Why Fake Relationships Make You Feel More Alone

If somebody makes you happy, stay close. If somebody makes you happy, increase frequency. Time together, fun together, adventures together. Don't make life so busy that you're not hanging out with the people who make you happy. We're all after depth in connection, not just acquaintance. The intimacy of a friendship, the intimacy of love. The intimacy where I know something about this person and they know something about me. That's not just generic. You are getting what you are putting out as well. And that really matters in our peer groups. That really matters in our network. What are the standards that you can help establish into a peer group? Whether it's your team or specific community, or even your overall audience or at the base level of your friends and your family? What does it really look like when you have this abundant, giving, expanding peer group? And how do you go about it? The first thing I want you to think about is I. I want you, as you hear me describe this, I want you to ask, do you currently get that from your social circles? Do you currently get that? Do you receive that? And then my second question is, do you put that in? Do you amplify that? Do you give that? Are you creating that? Okay, so that's what we're gonna talk about today. Like, do you receive it and do you give it? When you have a level peer group, your social circle, the people around you, I'm just gonna start very generic and we're gonna more specific, but I think this is so key. Are you becoming happier because the people who you are in relationship with, Are you becoming happier because the relationships you're in? Is. Are your friends making you happier? Are your co workers making you feel happier? Or they're just always stressing you out? Are the people in your community who you live nearby helping you expand your happiness, or are they completely disconnected? You don't even talk to them, you don't even know who they are. I really want. I'm going to start really broad because happiness is something we're all after and it's so generic for people, but it's just, it's an intuitive feeling. And could you also do me a favor today? Could you score this in a generality, meaning is your group, your community, your friends, on a scale of 1 to 10, I would love for you to think about your immediate social circle. You know, the 20 most important and close people to you in your life. I know 20 sounds like a lot, but maybe some of you have eight of those people are literally your siblings and your parents. So I got expanded a little bit. So let's Just go out the 20 people who are closest in importance or proximity to how you really live your life. On a scale of 1 to 10, is your peer group making you happier? So simple. Is it one? Not at all. Brandon or 10? Yes. They're really enriching and. And making me happier and helping me h. Helping me live a happier life. I know this is generic. Don't worry. Now, could you also identify who are the single two most, most likely in your current peer group to make you feel happy? Who's the two most? Is it your mom and your grandma? Is it your sister and your friend at work? Is it your high school buddy? Is it your college friend? Is it that creator you also work with? Is it your videographer? Is it your neighbor? Who are the two? The two? Okay, now put a little note next to them. Just write in this phrase next to their name. Write their name down. And as you write their name down, just write more interaction. If somebody makes you happy, stay close. If somebody makes you happy, increase frequency. Time together, fun together, adventures together. I know this one sounds very basic, but I also want to share. My story on this one is like, I have a group of friends who are so unbelievable. Like, and these are. These are particularly my college friends. I have the best time of my life when I'm with them. I don't hang out with them enough. I block the time. I try to make the calls or try to do. But if I look at it honestly, I can go. Not enough time. Can you all be honest? Is there anyone? Not enough time? Or there's just like, gosh, we could do more. We could be more present. We could be more adventurous. And I think that's important. And one of the reasons I think it's important is because you're just one person. I know when you talk with these networking people, they're always like, be out. Talk with 50 people, maintain 100 relationships with all this. I'm like, no, no, no. We're going to get into the mass conversation of networking later. Right now, I think we got an issue. The people you already like, you don't talk with enough. The people you already like, you don't talk with enough. And as I said earlier, the people you already like, you might not even know what their needs are, what they're doing, who they want to meet, who's most important in their lives. So you don't even ask about those things. So even the people you like, sometimes you're so superficial with them. That's why you still feel alone. Like, I don't understand Brennan. I have friends, but I feel alone. I'm like, yes, you might not have depth with your friends, you might have superficiality and fun with your friends, but if there's no depth there, depth in how you know them and depth in how they know you, there's the connection. Doesn't feel the same. Does it make sense? We're all after depth in connection, not just acquaintance. We want the depth, the intimacy of a friendship, the intimacy of love, the intimacy where I know something about this person and they know something about me that's not just generic. So I'm encouraging you. This is such an unexplored part of people's lives. You know, I've coached people every week of my life. So since. Well paid, as an actual career, since 2006 and prior to that, probably since 2002 or three, I've been in the coaching industry. And so I worked with a lot of people. And this is one on one coaching, right? I've worked with a lot of people and I can share with you so few of them, so few of them ever even thought the way I've already spoken to you today. So few of them ever did any of this work before. And when I introduced it to them and they just try that one thing, I'm like, hey, sounds like you really love hanging out with this person and this person. Why don't you hop on your calendar right now and schedule an extra lunch with them this month and then next I talk to him. I. I had that lunch. You told me the best time. I don't know why. I don't know why I don't do that more often. The only reason is no one told you to do it. You didn't put it in the calendar. You got caught up in life and then you forgot the person, even though you had a great relationship with them. Don't make life so busy that you're not hanging out with the people who make you happy. Let me say it again. Don't make life so busy that you're not even hanging out with the people who make you happy. It's a gift from God that you got to meet that person and they make you happy. When it's effortless, when it's fun, when there's just joy or enrichment there. And it just, it just is like, she's just your friend and it's just like, awesome. Call her more. She probably feels lonely too, somewhere. And I know this is so basic, but if you can't win one good friend, I can't get you to have a leveled up peer group. Lots of people want a great peer group. I'm like, but you don't even cultivate the friendships you already have. And I don't want you to go create relationships with a bunch of random people to get some external result of networking. I want you to have an awesome life of real people you talk with. I'm trying to encourage you here. Get around the people who make you happy. Also, just as a very simple aside, as a coach, I ask people, all this time, I'm like, tell me, what are you trying to do to make your wife happier? What are you trying to do to make your son happier? What are you trying to do to make your partner happier? What are you trying to do to make your co workers happier? Like, what are you trying to do? Like, actively, strategically, intentionally? I think about my wife as an example. She's one of the most thoughtful people. She, she thinks about people. She's one of those people who's really good at like a birthday. She remembers the cards. She's somebody who's really good about, like, hey, Brennan, don't forget to reach out this person. Like, oh, yeah, that's going on. Yeah, she's really good at that. And I think about all it took is, what are you trying to do? Well, I'm trying to make somebody happy. I'm trying to make them seem or heard or recognized. And I just want you to really consider this. Don't get so busy that you're not getting to have some time with the people who make you happy. And you're not asking the question of how you can make the people around you happier. I think it's so basic, right? I told you this one's basic. But I know that some of this sounds common sense, but it's not common practice. And that's why so many people run their lives at superficial relationship levels. I've got people all around the world who would drop everything for me because they know I would drop everything for them. Now, that's a level of peer group, right? Everything. I mean, I could be in a, in another country and struggling with something and I could make 40 phone calls and solve that because I've done that for other people. And I really want you to get this. This is really important. You are getting what you are putting out as well. And that really matters in our peer groups, that really matters in our network. A lot of people just want to be taken care of by a community. And I think that's one level of belonging that's One level of being seen and accepted and loved. I also think, though, if you only stay at that level, it's called selfishness. I think we have to serve into our relationships by asking, what's something I could do to make her happy today? You know, something I could do a very simple thing. Could show up with some flowers. I could show up with a card. I could send him this resource. I could send him this book. I have one friend, he's always sending me books. He knows I love books. He's just always sending me books. He stopped even putting a note on it. I just know it comes from him. And it's this obscure, weird old books that he knows I like. And, and I'm like, and just get him one random one all the time. He just knows it makes me happy. No reason. Never emails me to send me. Never calls or texts. The book just shows up randomly once in a while. He knows it makes me happy. He just thinks, huh, Just makes happy brand just does it. How cool is that? I want you to have tons of people who do stuff like that with you for you, because you do it. I know some of you go, but, Brandon, I'm always the one giving and serving. And they're not. I'm like, okay, that might mean that those people get less time attention from you. That might be a conversation you need to have with them. That it's like, hey, I, I don't, I feel. This is, like, lopsided. I, I want to be in relationship with you, but I feel like I'm giving so much and I feel like you don't even think about me. So we need to calibrate that and be honest about that. Or I just have to choose to spend less time because I feel, like, drained. I want to feel both of us filled up. Let's talk about it. You got to have the guts to do that. And here's the thing. It's not even guts. It's basic decency and respect to tell a person when they're not meeting your expectation. Everyone goes, oh, that sounds so assertive. I'm like, no, that's. That's being respectful to the relationship. It's. It's not respectful to not tell people what you need. It's not respectful to hold back, to lie, to placate, to be passive aggressive. That's not respectful. Respectful is truth. Respectful is going. I feel really drained in our relationship. I feel like you blame me for everything. And I'm noticing that when I walk away from our interactions, I don't feel good And I want us to love our relationship. I want us to love our friendship. I want us to feel like we're awesome at work. I want us to feel whatever it is. And so let's have a conversation about that. And if you can't see eye to eye, less frequency or interaction with the person, that's totally fine. But at least you gave it a shot to go to a level of depth versus flying superficial and fake. And if you fly superficial and fake in any relationships in your life, guess what happens as you expand your network? That fakeness expands. And now you got fake relationships multiplied, it makes you feel even more alone and worse. So that old conversation of win at home and win with your friends first is true. And I want you to think about the people in your life who. Do they make you happy? Are you making them happy? Have you had the conversations? Don't make life so busy that you're not hanging out with the people who make you happy. It's a gift from God that you got to meet that person and they make you happy.