Your Partner Is Not Your Therapist

Your partner is not your healer. Your partner is not your therapist, is not your spiritual guide. And if you expect them to be, you're only asking for more harm in the relationship. Often when we want things to change in a relationship, it's a complaint. Instead of telling them the things you don't like, what's a hopeful change? When you see their superpowers, you explicitly acknowledge them with gratitude, appreciation, admiration, your healing journey. You're in charge of that. You are responsible for that. The change activity. Now, I approach this in two ways with you, but one will be surprising. The first one's obvious. The change activity. What do you wish changed in your relationship? Let's just start with that intention today. This is just for you. What do you wish changed in your relationship? What do you wish changed in your relationship? Now, there's probably some things that you wish you changed, and there's some things you wish they changed. Now, I can't fix problems in the past, but I might be able to fix your mindset and your approach today. Let me share with you how I did this with Denise. We were out for a walk and this was another conversation like, hey, what do you. What's something you wish was different in our relationship? Something we want to change at the next stage of our relationship? What's important to you? What do you wish would change? And of course, she had a long list for me. Men, you need to make it through the long lists. Just be okay, that's her list. Doesn't need to be your list. Let her have her list. Don't be defensive. We're going to talk about that. Let it be real, hear it, deal with it. Don't fight it, don't defend it. Don't get angry from it. Okay? When requests come in, we're going to teach you a new way to do it. And then when it came my time to share what I wish changed for her, I shared something that shocked her so much, we basically stopped walking for a second. And then later she told me she told all of her friends about it. I didn't think it was a big deal, but it's just a different approach. When it was my time, the first thing I shared with her, I said, well, what I wish would change in our relationship is I wish you were nicer to yourself. My wish in the relationship was for her to be nicer to herself. Now think about how that might sound different than what maybe what you wrote down or thought about. Often when we want things to change in a relationship, it's a complaint. Think about this for a minute. When we want things to change in a relationship, the framing is always. It's a complaint. Having done all of this research in relationships and coached all these couples, I know there's a different way. And that different way is having a hopeful change for your partner instead of telling them the things you don't like. What's a hopeful change? Well, you know what I'd love for a change in our relationship? I would love to see you get some more sleep. I would love for you to feel more engaged at work. I would love for you to be happier in our relationship. I would love for you to. To feel healthier. I would love good things for you. I would love the change to be good things for you, not the change to be. For you to please me. Who heard it different. Is that different? It's a very different approach. I would like positive changes for your life, not for you to serve my needs. Whoa. What a cultural perspective check. What a different approach in relationship. Don't worry, all those who are really mad at your partner right now. I'll get to how they suck. Can you just chill for a minute? We'll get to all the reasons you get to feel validated today about how terrible your partner is. He doesn't listen, he doesn't clean up. The garbage is still not taken out. Okay. We'll get there. Okay. I thought that was funny. I'm not being too facetious. I'm just trying to make this a fun session because I know many of you, you're just holding this negative space for your partner. And I want you to know all this negative complaint that you are holding for them, all the things that you see that suck about them. That is the blockade between you and more intimacy. That is the blockade between you and more playfulness. That is the blockade between you and them. Listening and caring more. I'm here to tell you it's going to be a shift today for some people. So what's a positive change you would love to see in your relationship? What's a positive change? Let's start with you. What's a positive change you'd love to see in your life? Oh, I would love to see myself as more assertive or I'd love to see myself as healthier. I would love to not drink as much. I would love to focus and be more disciplined. I would love to. To be more honest, be more kind to myself, be more respectful to what I need. I would love to see myself set boundaries. What is it for you that you would love to see A positive change for you See, we're good at that part, but then we turn it to our partner, it becomes complaint and criticism. Today, I would love it to be. What's a positive change you'd love to see for them? I would love to see for my wife, her to be nicer to herself. Sometimes she says negative things to herself. She's very hard on herself if something doesn't go exactly right or perfect. She can be very hard and she can speak bad to herself and she can call herself names. And I don't like when she does that. And so my hope for her isn't something I need from her. It's like I want her to love herself more. I know she cares about herself and loves herself more. You know what? I get the positive ripple effect from that. Who knows what I'm talking about? When your partner is in a better place of loving and caring and they're changing in a positive way that comes into the relationship, it's why it's important for you to change positively. I think it's really important that you see that as you're positively changing for yourself. That's a positive ripple effect that will go in the relationship, even if it doesn't change your relationship right away. It's very cliche that you go to change your life and you come home and they're not changing, and then you're mad at them. Hey, you're on a different timeline of growth than your partner. As soon as you can accept that, it's easy. Like, oh, my timeline's not her timeline. You know what? My wife is amazing at, like, Pilates and bar method. I'm not, but she doesn't get mad at me when she walks into the house that I can't do those things. Well, many of you have done the mental conditioning further than your partner or spouse, but you walk in the house and you're mad at them that they can't do the positive mental thinking, the journaling, the planning, the intentional living that we all do together. It doesn't make any sense. They're on a different timeline than you. And once you recognize your partner has their own life and they're on a different timeline, then you're not so mad when they don't change to match your immediate shifts that you're making. It happens all the time. When one partner gets healthy, starts working out, eating well, and the other one's still into pizza and booze and never working out. And then the person who's on a new trajectory of health gets mad at the other person. And it's like, wait a minute, you were fat with me three weeks ago and now you're mad at me that I'm not in, you know, CrossFit with you? Wait a minute. We built this thing together. But see, you can't be mad at someone else's timeline. In the rest of the world, that's called compassion. In the spiritual world, that's called compassion. Compassion is recognizing other people have different timelines than you. I never get. Imagine me in my personal career when I teach people about, you know, online marketing, personal branding, being a creator or an expert. Imagine if I got mad at them that they didn't have as many books as I had. Or, oh, you don't know how to build an opt in page? What are you, dumb? It's like, no, it's like, oh, they're on a different timeline. They're just starting. So this is all to come back to a simple point. When you think of what you want to change, could we think about it in positive terms? What do you want good for you. What do you want good for your partner? And what do you want good for a relationship? If we can start with the what I would like to change are these good things versus your pet peeves. Because are you living in the good things change or are you living in the criticism? Pet peeves change. As soon as you make that shift, it's like a world of difference. We've just made a dramatic shift in your entire life. Your entire frame of reference just shift. When you see their superpowers, you explicitly acknowledge them with gratitude, appreciation, admiration. And when you think about what's changing, it's a positive thing. I love having the conversation with my wife, like, what can I change? And she can see that. And we can honor each other. Okay, Third, we're going to continue this chain. We're just trying to break some frames here of the negativity that often exists that becomes a block between you and intimacy with your partner. Another one is your partner is not. These three things. I'm going to get in trouble for these. Bear with me. Your partner is not, number one, your healer. Your partner is not your healer. Your partner is not your therapist. Your partner is not your spiritual guide. Your partner is not there to fix all the problems that were created with your parents. Your partner is not there to heal the problems that you're having at work. Your partner is not there to heal the bad relationship you had with your dad. Your partner is not there to heal the trauma that you had at war. Your Partner is not there to heal all the injustices that you have faced in your life. Your partner is not there to heal the system that has pushed you down. Your partner is not your healer. And if you expect them to be, you're only asking for more harm in the relationship. Your healing journey. You're in charge of that. You are responsible for that. You need to make that happen separate from your partner. Now, the good news is, hey, if your partner contributes to that in some way, amazing. If your partner is aware of all of your wounds, all of your insecurities, all of your triggers, all of amazing. But let me tell you something that is very empowering. I don't care if my wife is aware of my triggers. Those are mine. That's my issue. I don't need to thrust that on her. Let me give you such a simple example. And I know it's a metaphor, maybe it's too silly today, but can we have a little bit of fun? If you want a good relationship with me, don't eat potato chips on the side of my body or behind me. If you eat a potato chip behind me or on the side, I am triggered immediately to murder you. Don't do it. I don't know why. Anyone else have something weird like that? Something just drives you crazy, and I don't know why. Did I have a trauma when I was a kid with some potato chips? Not that I can recall. It just absolutely drives me crazy. I. I can't handle you crunching on potato chips. Now, if you're three feet away in front of me, doesn't bother me. But if you're on the side of me, you are my enemy. Now, that is a metaphor. That's my trigger. Does that mean my wife can't eat potato chips around the house? Do I put that on her? No. That's my deal. Not normal people's deal. That's my deal. Not her deal, not the rest of the deal. In other words, I don't put my deal into her responsibilities. I don't put my stuff into her responsibilities. She doesn't have to heal that for me. Could you imagine her like, I guess I can never buy potato chips again because Brendan doesn't like the sound of it. How stupid would that be? But we do that as a metaphor with our partners all the time. We put our issues and we make them have to deal with it. And this is a bad, bad, bad thing we have in our culture right now where we got into a broader armchair therapeutic culture. Okay? Don't worry. Therapists. This is not offense to you, but a therapy culture in which all feelings are supposed to be heard and everyone's supposed to acknowledge everybody and work to solve each other's problems. I'm like, no, actually, that's therapists. There's a professional for that. Your partner is probably not a professional for that. And by the way, if they are a professional therapist, part of their profession is they're not supposed to do therapy on you. That's actually part of the licensing agreement right there. Okay. They're not supposed to do that with you. And so let me really hit this home. Heal thyself. Heal thyself not. Heal me, heal thyself. That's your work. That's your journey. That's your timeline. That's your effort. That's your stuff. We got into a culture where all of our stuff is supposed to be broadcasted to everybody because that's vulnerability. But we actually got into a therapeutic culture that was an armchair therapeutic culture where my stuff is your stuff and you're responsible and you're wrong for it, and you need to see me, honor me and tiptoe around me because I have feelings. Okay. I thought that was hilarious. I'm not much of a meme, but that was good. Okay. So I just feel like, hey, let's stop this piece that we do this. And that's why I'm calling armchair therapeutic culture. It's because therapists don't want this. Marriage counselors don't want this. And spiritual, you don't want this. They're not your healer. They are not your healer. See, your partner, the reason you have this partnership, this relationship, is because you want to enjoy and build life together, and you want to enjoy and build intimacy together. That's what you're doing together, right? If you're a parent, you're building a family together. But when I say you're building life together, that can include family or not. Some of you have children, some of you don't. And so you're building a life and a future together, and you're enjoying intimacy together through that journey. It's not to have somebody take a role to be your parent or your therapist. This is so important. I remember I was at a relationship seminar teaching, and the speaker after me, and I always forget their name. So I apologize. But she said something so powerful. She said, they are not there to fix all your wounds. They didn't cause them. The stuff that you went through early in your life, that's not on your partner, that's on you. Those were challenges and struggles that you were given that now you got to deal with and get better at. And I really just want you. If there's any part of your mindset where you keep putting it onto your partner for them to heal something that's going wrong in any area of your life, please listen. Because some of you think this is now therapy. It's not any area of your life. They're not there to heal the trouble you have with your coworker at work. They're not there to heal your relationship with your sister. They're not there to heal your relationships when you got angry at work today. I don't go to my wife and be like, please make me feel better. Can I say it again? I do not go to my wife and say, please make me feel better. It's not her role. It's not the job. Now, if she does that, is that amazing? Yes. But remember, we're starting with you independently. You need to own your stuff. My emotions and feelings are not her obligations. My emotions and feelings are not her obligations. She has her own emotions and feelings. We manage our own emotions and feelings, not they. And because we got into a terrible culture in which we throw our feelings on others as if they're responsible for it, we've forgotten the very essence of personal power. We've forgotten the very essence of personal development, that we are responsible for our own meaning. Ra.