5 Fears Running Your Leadership

You've got the title, you've got the experience, and yet there is a constant streaming of noise running underneath everything that you are doing as a leader every single day. Fear, self-doubt, negativity, insecurity, whispering that you're not enough, that you don't belong, that someone's going to figure you out, or that the one wrong move is going to cost you everything. That noise, what I call those inner bitches, are not just in your head. They are showing up in your leadership, in your gaps, in your scores. And today we're going to name them. This is episode 2 of our series, From Stuck to Leading, a 5-part self-coaching series where we work together through the exact steps my private clients use to go from stuck to leading in their full power. Now, if you haven't listened or watched episode 1 yet, you can go to ballofirecoaching.com/podcast or on any one of your podcast streaming services and on our Shed the Corporate Bitch TV YouTube channel. And you will find that episode called Leadership Identity. It's the step 1, Discover, which is the foundation of everything that we're going to be doing today. And as we move forward through this series, and before we go further, this series is solidly based on our leadership gap diagnostic, which is a free tool that I also have provided you in order for you to assess where you are today and where you want to be. And if you haven't done that yet, you can grab it at ballifiercoaching.com/optin or at the link in the show notes. You're gonna want it throughout this series so you can balance where you are today and the tips and the tools and the strategies I'm gonna provide you to get you where you want to be. Welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch. I'm Bernadette Boas, executive coach, speaker, author, and founder of Ball of Fire Coaching. By the end of this episode, you will know exactly what inner bitches have been creating the biggest gaps in your diagnostic, and you will have a framework for beginning to confront them. That is my promise to you by the end of this episode. Stay with us.

Welcome to Shedding the Corporate Bitch, the podcast that transforms today's managers into tomorrow's powerhouse leaders. Your host, Bernadette Boas, executive coach and author brings you into a world where the corporate grind meets personal growth and success in each and every episode.

When leaders look at their diagnostic scores for the very first time, they almost always go right to the gap, whether it's a low score on trust building, low score in executive presence, low score on developing their team. And the first question they ask is, what skill do I need to develop? That is the wrong question, or at least it shouldn't be the first question, because in 18 years of coaching over 400 executives and doing the personal work on myself, what I've learned is this: the gap in your diagnostic is almost never a skill problem at the root. It is an inside job. It's internal. There is something happening internally, a fear, a doubt, an insecurity, a deeply held belief about your own worth or capability to lead that is expressing itself outward as the gap. So to define the bitch in our world, it is those internal fears, insecurities, negativities, and self-doubts that cause us to behave, to communicate, to perform in a way that is working against us. I know this because I lived it. I spent 25 years in corporate America as a VP, Chief Knowledge Officer, I was performing leadership from the outside while quietly falling apart on the inside. I didn't feel like I belonged. I was convinced someone would discover that I was a fraud, that I really didn't know what I was doing. I was terrified of failure and equally terrified of becoming irrelevant. And all of that internal noise just consumed me. It came out in my leadership as control, aggression as the kind of behavior that ultimately cost me my career and created a label of a corporate bitch. And the moment I understood that, the moment that I could see the direct line between what I was carrying on the inside and what I was producing on the outside, everything changed. And that direct line is exactly what this episode is about. Your diagnostic showed you the gap, and now today we're gonna follow that gap back to its source. So I want to introduce you to those 5 inner bitches that you might consider as to whether or not they're impacting you in a negative way, working against you, so then you can find a way to confront them, shed them, which we'll talk about in our next episode, in order for you to continue moving forward and growing and elevating as a powerhouse leader. These are the most common fears, doubts, insecurities. Informs the inner noise that I see driving leadership gaps in the executives that I work with and the professionals that I run into on a day-in, day-out basis. They are not character flaws. They are not signs of weakness. They are human experiences that every leader carries, and that becomes leadership liabilities the moment we stop being honest about them. So as I name each one, notice which one makes you shift in your seat. Notice which one gets you really uncomfortable. Notice which one immediately you want to explain away or defend or rationalize in some way, shape, or form, because that one is yours, your inner bitch. And it's something that you're going to want to be addressing and closing that gap as you move forward and want to continue advancing in your career. And we're going to tie these inner bitches, these fears, insecurities, doubts, and negativities back to the areas of your leadership gap diagnostic and the characteristics that you would want to be focusing on should you have scored low in them. Now, just like we did in episode 1, in this particular discussion around confront, I'm also going to give you 2 spotlight questions that you can focus on and tie back to your leadership gap diagnostic scores to see what the priorities might be for you to begin chipping away at whatever those gaps might be. And so stay tuned for that because those are going to be really critical for you to start doing the work, start doing the self-discovery that will allow you to not only confront those inner bitches, but also as we move forward into the following episodes, you're going to be able to shed, create, and accelerate through all 5 steps in toward being a powerhouse leader. All right. Inner bitch number 1 is the imposter. This is when someone really feels that in a matter of time, someone's going to figure out that they're a fraud, that they really don't know what they're doing, that they're not as smart as they are. They're not as capable as they are. You might have the title, you might have the track record, maybe even the respect of others. And yet that voice in your head is still running on a loop. That says that you don't belong or you don't fit in or you're not capable or you're not expert enough and that someone's going to figure it out and you're going to lose what you have. And if that's the case and if you feel any of that, as we discuss what the imposter is, then that's when you just simply want to take notice of it, name it, and then find ways to combat it and shut it down so you don't have that voice in your head running on a continuous loop. In your diagnostic, how the imposter is going to show up is it's going to show up as a gap in your self-awareness, a gap in executive presence, and even in your authentic communication, because you can't project confidence if you don't feel it, if you don't believe that you belong, you don't believe that you're expert, you don't believe that you fit and you belong and you deserve that title and that office and that position that you have, you are not going to be able to build the trust, the engagement, the connections that you need and create a high-performing team to achieve the ultimate results that you have for your business. And the conclusion of that is you are performing as a leader and not actually leading as an authentic leader. And that is definitely something that no one deserves to feel, because it— trust me, I felt it for many, many years myself, and it is a depressing, heavy burden, debilitating type of inner bitch that can definitely sabotage your career. Maybe not today, but sometime down the road, and that's not what we're looking for. To rid yourself of that imposter syndrome. You really want to consider and work toward manifesting the fact that when you walk into a room, you are confident, you are certain, and that you believe that you belong. Inner bitch number 2 is the failure avoider. Raise your hand if you might fall into this by just hearing the title of this one. This is when someone is terrified of getting it wrong and equally terrified of being criticized for it. So they play it safe. They overanalyze, they micromanage, they avoid taking risks that really could expose those fears and insecurities and create risk of that judgment, of that criticism. If they're ever given feedback, they take it as a personal indictment, a personal attack. On who they are and what their worth is. And how they project that is that they just start task doing. They just start producing. They just start trying to check off everything that's on their task list because that volume, that production, that output will make them feel as if they have proven themselves, that they're worthy, that they are a massive producer. And yet what will ultimately happen is they stagnate. They're very indecisive. And their teams really stop bringing new ideas, stop raising up issues, stop creating new innovations because they know that that leader is afraid of failure, afraid of risk, afraid of judgment, and therefore they just don't bother doing it. And your team goes quiet. So it's your job to ensure that you're looking at your leadership gap diagnostic. And if any of your scores in these areas are low, you want to start really digging in and asking why. Why am I feeling like this? Why do I believe this? Where did this belief come from? And what do you need to do to shift it? And we'll continue getting into all of that as we move through this series. However, how this is showing up in your gap diagnostic is that your scores may be low in the strategic thinking, decision-making, risk-taking, creating a psychologically safe environment for your team. Your fear of failure becomes your team's calling because what you're projecting and how you're performing and behaving and showing up each and every day in this state of avoiding failure, your team picks up on it. And therefore, they respond to it exactly the way that you're delivering on it by that indecisiveness, by that failure to take risks, by the avoidance of difficult conversations, whatever the case might be. Your team members pick up on that and therefore, they just respond in kind, meaning they start acting in that same mode. Maybe I should be scared. Maybe I should not take risks. Maybe I need to overanalyze and micromanage in order to ensure that I don't fail or I don't make a mistake. And that is just suffocating, suffocating for team members and the leader themselves. So if you want to consider whether or not this is you in any way, shape, or form, then ask yourself, what is the last decision that you delayed or the last risk you failed to take? What were you actually protecting against? Be brutally honest with that answer because that will lead you to the truth that you need and that self-awareness I mentioned earlier in order for you to then be able to identify the actions that you have to take in order to close that gap. Inner bitch number 3, the control freak. Raise your hand if you've ever experienced one or there's a sense that you might be one as well. This particular fear is one of becoming irrelevant, one of losing their grip on what they've built, what their authority is, what their power is, what their value is. So they hold on, they micromanage, they make themselves the bottleneck because they have to be the final answer or final response or final decision maker on everything. Delegating means that they're going to lose control, they're going to lose their identity, they're gonna lose the relevance. The cruel irony is the tighter one holds on to things, the less effective they become. And the result of being less effective is being less needed, less relevant, less valued. And that is something you absolutely wanna prevent. Now, how this is gonna show up in your diagnostic is you're gonna look for gaps or low scores in your team development, in delegation, in trust, in strategic thinking, in accountability. Your team can't grow because you won't let go. Think about that. And we're gonna go deeper on that in episode 3 when we discuss shed. Now, if you wanna think about, all right, is this an area that I can fall guilty of? Then think about this. Where are you holding onto something, a task, a decision, a role, not because you need to, but because letting go makes you feel like you're disappearing, irrelevant, not valued. Where is that showing up? All right, inner bitch number 4 is the people pleaser. You know, the one that absolutely feels that they must be liked. They're not really concerned about being respected. They want to be liked. And that need makes the hardest part of leadership feel impossible. The difficult conversation, the unpopular decision, the honest feedback, setting the boundaries— everything gets watered down by an individual who feels like they need to be liked by everyone. They create softer edges around everything, around their communications, around their approach, around their decision-making. And this individual will avoid all confrontation. Their role in their head is that they need to keep the peace and keep people happy at any cost. However, what it's really creating is a lot of very confused people, a lot of people, team members who are building up resentment towards someone who can't stand their ground, who can't hold people accountable, who can't say what needs to be said and has to like be politically correct around every corner. And that in itself creates such distrust amongst team members that you'll never have a high-performing, high-functioning team as a result. Now, how is this showing up in your diagnostic? It's showing up as accountability, communication clarity, trust-building, psychological safety, authentic leadership. When you lead to be liked, You sacrifice the respect that makes leadership actually work. Now, we're going to go into this a lot deeper in episode 4 of the series, which is all around Create. But if you want to be thinking about how you tie back to someone who is a people pleaser or not, then what you want to ask yourself is, where am I softening? Maybe I'm hedging or I'm staying quiet because I'm more afraid of someone's reaction than I am of the situation that needs to be taken care of, or the decision that needs to be made, or the risk that needs to be taken? Where am I hedging or being soft and not being direct, honest, and upfront with the people that need it? Now, the last one that we're going to be talking about is the approval seeker. This is all about someone who is looking for external validation, external approval, external recognition, confirmation that what they're doing and how they're doing it is not only appropriate and not only good, but great, excellent, super job. They really need that rah-rah cheerleading on anything and everything that they do in order to feel as if they're valued, and that they have relevance. Now, this type of individual, this type of leader, they know how to lead upwards. They know what management wants and needs, and they provide that. However, they're less effective in leading downwards with their team. They, they hold on to any recognition or any credit or any confirmation or validation to others, because if they feel that they're not getting it themselves, then they don't necessarily hand it out to other people because that would only diminish the value they feel of themselves. They're only going to give it if they're getting it, because that'll just make them feel less. And that will also make them start questioning their own value and worth. And the fear of that other person getting recognition is going to elevate because now they're going to start questioning, oh wow, is that person going to replace me? Is that person more relevant than I am and more important than I am? And this is often why a lot of managers and their employees struggle in an employee wanting an advancement or a promotion or an opportunity, and the manager prevents them from doing it or getting it because of the fact that they aren't— they haven't received their advancement, their promotion, and therefore they're going to hold their other team members down as well. It's ugly, but it's true. Now, this is gonna show up as gaps in your diagnostic in the areas of team development, psychological safety, authentic connection, and building trust. And again, we're gonna go deeper into that in our episode 5, which is all around Accelerate. But I'll leave you— so the question that you wanna ask yourself to consider whether or not you have any gap in this area It would be how much of what you do as a leader is driven by what you know is genuinely right to do, as opposed to what you think will get you the recognition or the reward or approval. Are you doing it out of that need for validation and approval, or are you doing it because you know it's right? Answer that question, and that'll help clue you in to whether or not a gap might exist in any of those areas of your leadership gap diagnostic around team development, psychological safety, authentic connection, and building trust, ultimately leading to whether or not you have any aspects of being an approval seeker. Now, these 5 inner bitches, as I call them, they're all part of being human. At the same time, they're all quietly running and potentially damaging your leadership capability. And some or all of them could be showing up in your leadership diagnostic. So you want to download the Leadership Gap Diagnostic. Again, you can go to bolafirecoaching.com/optin and score yourself on the 25 statements that are within that diagnostic. And really come back to this episode as well as episode 1 and continue listening through the series and really understand where your gaps are and what you want to do about closing those gaps. Now, the two spotlight questions we're going to focus on is going to be around self-awareness and executive presence, because these are two critical areas that, especially as I engage a corporate executive in our coaching, self-awareness is the foundation of everything. If you don't know who you are, what you are, what you stand for, What's working for you? What's working against you? If you don't have that foundation, then nothing else is going to matter. Nothing else is going to be able to support your growth in your leadership capacity. So we want to look at self-awareness and executive presence. So pull out your gap diagnostic and/or as I read off the first spotlight, then what you want to do is just simply score yourself 1 to 5, 1 being that you're not a master at all. 5 being that you are a master, 3 being that it's average. I want you to look at these statements in a different lens than you did in episode 1, when I was asking you what skill you were potentially lacking in order to really move yourself and score yourself into the 4 and 5 section. Here, I want you really to think about those inner bitches. When I read the statement, I want you to think about what are those fears, insecurities, doubts, or negativities that are causing me to have the score that I'm gonna give myself on these two spotlights. All right? So the first spotlight is going to be around self-awareness, as I said. I'll read it to you. Score yourself 1 to 5. The statement is, I have a clear and accurate understanding of how my leadership behavior impacts the people around me. Not how I intend them to land, but actually how they land. Now, I love this question. I love this question because it says so much about an individual's self-awareness. I will often ask this question, and 9 out of 10 times I will get, "I have no idea." And if that's your answer, then score yourself between that 1 to 3, because most managers and leaders don't focus on the experience they're creating for other people. And if you did one thing as a people manager, as a people leader, you want to ensure that you understand how you're showing up for your people and the experience that you're creating for them. One truth about this is a low score here almost never means that you haven't had enough feedback from anyone around the experience that you create for them. It's often because of the fact that you're not willing or you're very uncomfortable about confronting what that feedback is and how it lands for you. For instance, the imposter doesn't want self-awareness. They don't want accurate, honest, direct. They are more comfortable with it being a little fuzzy, with it being a little bit hesitant from others as to how they're really impacting them. They wanna keep it very blurry, so to speak. And this person will often, especially in our coaching discussions, will often talk about the intent. Well, I intend to do it. I intend to make them comfortable. I intend to create a safe environment. I intend to ensure that they feel valued and that they're contributing. But they're actually just avoiding the honest feedback that others are trying to give them. It makes them uncomfortable about what to do next in order to change that perception, that reality. If you scored yourself low here, the question isn't what feedback you need. The question is, what am I afraid of confronting and looking at honestly? If you can answer that question, dig, why, why, why, why, why, then you're gonna find out so much about yourself and build that self-awareness foundation that you need in order to really progress forward and become that powerhouse leader. The second diagnostic spotlight we're gonna shine a light on is around executive presence and influence. So I'm going to read you the statement and once again score yourself 1 to 5 and then we'll discuss it. The statement is: I walk in high-stakes situations, whether that's senior meetings, difficult conversations, moments of visibility, and I feel grounded, credible, and fully entitled to be in the space that I'm occupying. Because executive presence is not a polished problem. You'll often hear even coaches say, you just need a little polish. There's some relevance to that. But at the same time, it's not about your wardrobe. It's not about your vocabulary. It's really at the core about your belief system. Do you believe you belong there? Do you believe that you're credible? Do you believe that you have influence? Do you believe that you can move the needle? You can't project authority you don't feel. You can't project confidence you don't believe in. You can't command a room you don't feel you deserve to be in. If you scored yourself low, don't go running out and sign up for an executive presence course or a speaking coach. Identify what inner bitch or fear, insecurity, doubt, or negativity that you're feeling, and why are you feeling it. Answer that for yourself, and that will open up a Pandora's box of opportunity for you to make shifts to change it. I keep saying, so you can make a change, so you can make a shift. Well, how do you go about doing that? I'm going to walk you through a 3-step framework, my Confront Framework, that will really allow you to start chipping away at what you've discovered and now what you're willing to confront. You have to first commit to that. So the first step would be to name the inner bitch Specifically. So as you went through your diagnostic and you scored yourself, you don't want to say, I struggle with my confidence, or I have some self-doubt. You need to get specific about what's running and/or even ruining your leadership. So use one of the 5 and name it. Is it the imposter? Is it the failure avoider? Is it the control freak? Is it the people pleaser? Is it the approval seeker, write it down, name it, specify which one of those 5 it is. And if it's not those, then name the one that it actually is and put a name to it. And then specifically write out and think about how does that individual, that style show up? What is the behavior? What are the words that are used? What is the actions that are taken? What is the experience or the reaction or the feedback that is being received by others as a result of this mode, this inner bitch showing up at work? The moment you start really putting names and specifics to all of it, it'll quiet the noise. And quite honestly, vague inner noise has unlimited potential and power to really sabotage yourself and your team. Whereas putting a name to it will help almost put a target on it to where then you can say, all right, I know what I need to eliminate, to shed, which we'll talk about in the next episode. And therefore I can get really clear on taking that next step and defining those actions. But right now, all I want you to do is name it and get very specific about how that shows up and what kind of impact is it having on you, on your team, and on the business as a whole. That's step 1. Step 2 would be trace where it came from. Now, let me tell you a quick story about this. I was doing my own transformation, what I call the shedding process. This was back in 2008 to 2010 period. And so I started going through this discover phase that we talked about in the last episode of the series. And then I started confronting what we're talking about today. And I'll be honest, I carried a weight of not feeling like I belonged since childhood, since my earliest memories. For those new to me and to the show, I'm one of 12 children. I'm a middle child. I was also one that was named the milkman's daughter, the postman's daughter. I didn't look, sound, act, do anything like any of my other brothers and sisters for many, many, many years. From a very early age, people would joke about me being adopted. The mailman's daughter, any daughter but my parents. And it was, I was 9 or 10 and I went to my mother almost hysterically crying because I was being teased. And asked her, "Mom, am I a Bose? Because everyone always jokes about me being adopted." And she kind of giggled, which made me feel even worse. And she's like, "Honey, of course you are. And you may not see it now, but one day you will." Well, I did. In my mid to late 20s, I started seeing the characteristics and the behaviors and the features come out, and I started looking and sounding and acting more and more like my siblings. However, until my late 40s, I felt this gut-wrenching absence of feeling like I belonged, I fit in, because of the fact that if I didn't belong to my family, if I was adopted and wasn't one of them, even though it wasn't true, but if I felt that, then how do I fit in anywhere? So you really want to be able to track back to where your inner fears, insecurities, doubts, negativities, your belief systems come from. Because the minute that you do, which is what happened to me, the minute that you do, all of a sudden you start letting go. And then the third step of the framework is own it but don't become it. So using my example, what I did was I named it, I didn't fit in. I looked at where that came from, believing that I was adopted. And then what I did was I asked myself, is that true? I quickly discovered no, it wasn't true. I did fit in. I had many friends. I had many teams that I've worked with that I was ingrained with, and I definitely felt I belonged. So I realized, no, I don't need to continue or even become something that I feared or had an insecurity around. And so I can work to let it go. And it's important because there's a difference between having an inner bitch of fear, insecurity, doubt, negativity, or a belief system, and being defined by it. And so if you are putting a name to it, you're identifying where that came from, and you're then thinking through how you can flip the story on its head and tell yourself a different story, believe something differently, then you are allowing yourself, giving yourself permission to kind of let that go and rid yourself of the noise, that reel or loop of voices in your head that are constantly reinforcing something that isn't true. And that's where confront has its— the most power and does its most important work is right there in that you as a leader are willing to look at your gap brutally honestly, so you can then determine a new path to take. Here is your coaching question for this episode. I want you to write it down and I want you to take pen to paper and actually answer it for yourself. This is the self-coaching part. Although I will say the whole discussion and the work that you're doing in regards to your leadership gap diagnostic is also your self-coaching. Your coaching question is, which interfere, insecurity, negativity belief system is running your leadership, and what specific gap in your diagnostic is it responsible for? Name it, name the gap, and name the leadership behavior or behaviors that it's producing. You don't need to fix it today or even this week. You just need to name it and own it. That's it. And you'll be taking a first big step in really becoming the powerhouse leader you're meant to be. Here's what I want you to take away from today's conversation. Your leadership gaps are not random. They are not mysterious. They are not proof that you're not cut out to do the work that you're doing. They are simply the outward expression of those inner voices, that inner noise that you've been carrying around— fears, doubts, insecurities.. But most leaders never name them. And the moment you name them, the moment you can see the direct line between what you've been carrying around on the inside and what you've been projecting or producing on the outside, you stop being a passenger in your own leadership and you start being the one who is driving the type of leader you want to be for your team in the business. Two things before we go. One, your leadership gap diagnostic. If you haven't downloaded it, do that right now. Go to ball of fire coaching.com optin and look at your scores, especially in the areas of self-awareness and executive presence through the lens of what we talked about today. They will mean something completely different for you now. And secondly, if this episode hit home, then our next episode of the series in a couple of weeks is step 3, shed. And it's where it gets even more powerful because now that you've named your bitches, the next question is, what do you actually do with them? What do you release? What do you change? What are those hidden strengths that you haven't been leveraging? What's buried underneath all of the noise? So you don't want to miss it. So be sure to subscribe, follow, and like us at balloffirecoaching.com/podcast or go to any one of your podcast streaming services and our Shed the Corporate Bitch TV YouTube channel. Until then, I'm Bernadette Boas, and I will look forward to having you for the next episode of Shedding the Corporate Bitch. Bye!

Thank you for tuning in to today's episode of Shedding the Corporate Bitch. Every journey taken together is another step towards unleashing the powerhouse leader within you. Don't miss any of our weekly episodes. Subscribe to our podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you love to listen. And for those who thrive on visual content, catch us on our Shedding the Bitch YouTube channel. Want to dive deeper with Bernadette on becoming a powerhouse leader? Visit Ball of Fire Coaching .com to learn more about how she helps professionals, HR executives, and team leaders elevate overall team performance. You've been listening to Shedding the Corporate Bitch with Bernadette Boas. Until next time, keep shedding, keep growing, and keep leading.