How to Fix Your Relationships: Attachment Styles Explained | 66

If you've done all the work, the personal development, the therapy or coaching, the spiritual work, but you can't seem to figure out your relationships, you're constantly triggered, you constantly feel unseen, or perhaps you just don't know what exactly is missing. That's probably because you've never asked yourself about your attachment style. And today you're going to be a psychologist for a moment. And you're gonna learn about the attachment styles that help us understand why we relate the way we relate to others in our lives. And we get to then change our attachment styles so that we may also change the way we view each other, relate to each other, and create fulfilling relationships. Angie and Alex came to therapy last week, and I realized in, in their sharing that they want the same thing. He wants to feel seen, respected, appreciated. She wants pretty much the same thing. She calls it connection. So they, they're both on the same page, but they think they want things that are completely different. So when I asked them specifically, like, what is it? If you had your way, if God came and told you Angie, you can have whatever you want in this man and in your marriage. What would that look like? And then she described, like, you know, about the intimacy and the conversations she wanted to have, to talk more to him and to, to feel like they have time to connect, not just about the logistics and their kids, but also about each other and their dreams and more profound things. And that was like a thing for her, like talking together. And, and building intimacy in that way. And for him, it was also about building intimacy and connection. And but it was more like, like sexual, like he wanted to feel that she saw him and the efforts that he made to make her and the family happy. And he wanted to be rewarded by having physical intimacy. And ultimately, they wanted the same thing. She wanted the intimacy through conversations. He wanted the intimacy through, through sexuality and just connection, physical connection. And he wanted respect, right? Like, and this is actually biblical. Like the Bible says, like, woman, respect your man, man, love your woman, right? Like, so, so the way we experience love as women is through love and affection and The thoughtfulness and all those things. And the way men tend to experience love is through respect. Like, if the woman respects him, then they feel loved, appreciated, seen, and all the good stuff. So he expressed that. She described it too. And then I'm like, okay, so let's think about examples. And he's like, oh, like, I wish you would, like, look for me more in our sexual intimacy. And she looked at him like, what? And then she started giving examples of moments in which she has pursued him, she has initiated, and he has rejected her, or it's not a good time, or he's pushed away. And, and she's like, what are you saying? And then everything he said he wanted, like he wanted her to be more intentional about maybe like being thoughtful when he gets home from work, ask him if he wants to eat and serve him the food and just like the traditional things of a female in the home. But he wasn't saying it in a chauvinistic, machista, you know, you're the woman and you have to do this kind of way at all. Like, it was in a very kind way. Like, oh, it just would feel nice. I would feel taken care of if you did XYZ. And again, she's looking at him like, what? Like, I have been cooking X amount of times a week. And every time I do this, then you end up complaining about XYZ. Like, she gave him like a whole example of the many times in which she has actually tried that because he's told her before he wants that. And it just, it just hasn't worked. And it went on for a little while that everything that he said, she had intentionally, mindfully addressed and committed to and done. But he hadn't experienced or received it, or he had somehow found the way to push it away and to sabotage that experience. And I share this with you because That was just an example. But if I tell you about all of the couples I see in couples therapy or coaching that experience something similar, I've heard, oh, I want him to love me. But then she— but then when he does, when he loves on her and tells her like, you're so beautiful, I love you so much, she cringes and she pushes away. And she's like— Oh, please, you're just saying that. Like, she rejects it. She doesn't know how to receive the love. So the one thing that she's asking for, she can't receive. She pushes it away. And then I've heard, oh, I just want to be treated like a queen. I want to be treated like I matter, and like I want to be protected and taken care of. And the husband has said, well, if you want to be treated like a queen, stop acting like a king. Right? Like, many times, We want to be taken care of, but we are Type A control freaks. Like, you know, we're the leaders and we want to decide every little thing and micromanage every little thing in our lives, then we leave no room for our partners to take care of us, to plan the vacation, to initiate, to notice something because you didn't give them a chance. Of course, with the excuse that if I don't do it, who's going to do it? Nobody's going to do it. And maybe that's true. But if you don't do it enough, And you communicate, maybe you give the other person the opportunity to do the thing you dream of experiencing, but you don't let him or her. So if any of this resonates, if you have seen yourself in any of these examples— I have 20,000 more to give, but then it would be a whole podcast of examples, so let that suffice for now. What I realized with this client this husband, in, in, you know, Alex, is that he did not know how to receive love. His family of origin was, was very dysfunctional, and he constantly felt neglected, unloved, unseen, lonely. He had to, like, fend for himself. And, and he became very— he has this appearance of, like, Like, I got this. I'm unstoppable. Like, nobody can mess with me. I don't care about anything. He has this— you know, he curses a lot. So he's very— he could be very intimidating. And when he speaks, you're like, oh, OK, OK. Like, it doesn't attract a person who's going to be lovable. There's a lot of F-bombs when he speaks. His presence is very strong. I know him to be a total teddy bear inside. But I've had the opportunity to experience the depth of his soul. But I can see how other people have a hard time getting to him because he's constantly like, don't approach me or I'll bite. So he has this appearance and this aura that has served him and protected him. In the past, because whenever somebody wanted to mess with him, or whenever a family member was was treating him with disrespect, being that way let them know not with me, buddy. Like no, like conmigo no te metas. Like I'm not gonna allow that, right? Like so so that presence served and protected him in the past, and now he's bringing it into his relationship. And conceptually and cognitively, he's like, I want love, I want intimacy, I want you to see me and appreciate me. But in his, in his habitual way of reacting, responding, interacting with the people he loves, or the people that are supposed to love him the most, he's fierce. He's a lion. He's like, do not come any closer. So then there's a disconnect. And then when someone is approaching him to give him that love, as is the case with his wife, because I know for a fact that she's been trying, and she's being very intentional, he just like finds a way to like sabotage it. And like, can't— it's almost like unconsciously he cannot believe someone can possibly love him. So before they hurt him, he'd rather sabotage it, stop it, prevent it before he buys into it, believes it, and then is heartbroken. What I realized in that session is that it's not It's not a relationship problem. It's an attachment problem. So I'm going to give you a little psychology class today so that you understand the power of figuring out what your attachment style is so that you may intentionally change it. There's this psychoanalyst called John Bowlby who created the attachment theory in psychology. And in order to understand the attachment theory, we need to at least have an idea of what attachment even means. An attachment is an emotional bond with another person. If I were to say it in just a few words, an attachment is an emotional bond with another person. And it typically forms in, in the early years with your caregivers, your mom, your dad, your caretaker. And it has a tremendous impact on the rest of your life and the rest of your relationships after that family of origin one. And what John Bowlby said is that attachment is a lasting psychological connectedness between you and other human beings. So what Bowlby did is that he studied an experiment called the strange situation, in which kids were In a room playing with each other and with toys, and the moms were there. And then they were asked— the moms were asked to leave the room. And when the moms left, the kids would cry, which is natural. But then when they came back, the kids who had a very healthy, good attachment would be happy that they were back. But then there were other kids that reacted differently. So in studying the reactions of all these kids, They were able to come up with 4 styles of attachments, which then created this attachment theory. And I would love for you to take a moment to reflect on which attachment feels more like yours in terms of like, how do you tend to relate to the people in your life? Do you tend to relate as in a secure attachment style? in an insecure, anxious, and I'll go over all of them so that you can explore yours and maybe explore that of the people that you're having issues with in your relationships. Maybe explore the one of your spouse, of your children. Like, how do they— did they attach as little babies? And how are they attaching now with you and vice versa? So the first attachment style is the secure attachment. And this is the one we all want to experience at some point. This is like hashtag goals. A secure attachment in this experiment was the kid that the mom left and then he cried. And I'm like, oh, like, you know, I want mom back. But then stopped crying after a little while, like, because ultimately the baby knew, like the little kid knew, the toddler, that mom was going to come back. Like, right? Like, so like, it was sad that she left, but he knew that she was going to come back. So he stopped crying after a little while. And kept on playing. And then when the mom returned a few minutes later, he was happy to see her. And it was like, oh, Mom, you're back. And then he kept on playing, right? So he was— he didn't have to like cry more or freak out. And he didn't have to punish her. How dare you have left, right? So attachment that is healthy and secure is when you know that the person you have an attachment with, like that emotional bond with, It's gonna be there, whether they're physically present or not. You know that if you ever need them, they're gonna show up. They're gonna be there. When babies were little, if they cried because they were hungry and mom came and gave them the bottle of milk, they learned that mom was gonna feed them if they were hungry. If they started crying because they had soiled their diapers and mom came and changed the diaper, Then they're going to know that mom is going to be there to change the diaper if they need anything. And so on and so forth, right? Like, as time goes by, if you know that your parents are going to show up, even if we as parents screw up, or they screwed up as our parents, the fact that they were always there is ultimately what truly defines the attachment more than if they did it perfectly. If they showed up and changed the diaper perfectly, Or not, right? Like, so we don't have to be perfect as parents to provide a secure attachment, because if not, we're all doomed. Secure attachment is more about the knowing that someone has my back. Mom's gonna come. Maybe she won't. She's not fully equipped to give me absolutely everything that I need. But the bare minimum will be there, and the best of intentions. Okay, so secure attachment is about, I have support. My person has my back. I am loved. Even when they're not here, they, they— I can, I can just call them and they're a phone call away. And what happens with people who grew up knowing that the parent was going to show up is that they don't feel anxious. when they're not with their person. They don't feel scared that they will come or won't come. When, you know, when my husband doesn't call me, even though he said he was gonna call me, I don't think the worst, and my mind doesn't start racing. And who is he with? And did he find someone else? Is he cheating on me? And did he lie about something? Like, I don't freak out because I have a secure attachment with my husband. So if he doesn't call, I could be annoyed and bothered by it and be like, oh, I do have triggers that I feel, right? Like, I'll have triggers like, oh, he doesn't care enough. But I never, ever, ever think that he's doing something inappropriate and he's not going to show up and he's going to leave me, or he had the worst accident and he died. And I like— we're human and we can have moments where we have that anxiety. But it's— they're the exception, not the norm. So when you have an attachment that is secure and healthy, you are confident that if your person didn't reach out, didn't call, missed the call, it's because they fell asleep, something happened, they got busy, they got stuck at work, their phone died, right? Like, we can, we can understand that it's not because they're not coming back. And When you're securely attached, you just live more peacefully and happily, which is why these emotional bonds called attachment matter so much. The second attachment is anxious-resistant attachment. And these were the children who, when the mom left, they were very, very, very distressed. So they didn't just cry a little bit like, Mom, like, you know, like when you leave your kid at school and like, they cry a little bit, but then they get over it and they start playing with their friends. But then there are kids that in pre-K will be crying forever and ever the whole semester. And like, they won't stop and there's no consoling them. That exaggerated emotional reaction suggests anxiety in their attachments. So when the mommy left, they were very distressed, more distressed than the securely attached because insecurely attached also cried. And then when mom came back, instead of being like, oh, okay, she's back, let me keep on playing, like, and getting excited, they were like, they would probably cry even more. Like, why did you leave me? Like, what the heck? And then they would complain and almost like want to punish her for having left. And they were scared. They did not have the certainty that securely attached had that mom would come back. They were anxious about losing her. They were anxious about being alone. And what happens is that then these people or these kids also tended to be more isolated in social environments and very, very, very wary of strangers. And anybody who is not familiar, they would push back on because if they don't know that mom is coming back, how can they possibly trust a stranger or a friend or someone, you know, a peer, someone in their social environment? So these, these were kids who tended to be more clingy to mom and wouldn't leave their side. And it was hard for them to connect with other people. And I would say that as adults, it shows up as, you know, when, when your partner made a mistake, You know, he didn't call you when he said he was going to, or he forgot something. And then you're— you see, when they come back, you're like, hey, what happened? Oh, you know, I'm so sorry, my phone died. Yeah, but you should have a battery and you should carry a charger. And like, you always do this. And they would like just complain and complain and complain and complain and be there for like a whole hour telling them, shaming them and telling them why it was so wrong. And like your wrath is like, how dare you do this to me? And never again. And over and over and over again. That's a way of, you know, that tantrum that the kid had when mom returned. Instead of being like, oh, okay, your phone died. Okay, coño, next time please be more mindful. And that's it. It ends there. You keep at it. You keep at it. You keep at it. You keep at it. Like it's almost like you want to punish that person for leading you to believe that he didn't care, that he wasn't coming back, that he wasn't going to call, that, like, you know, that all the things that, that may come from thinking that that person is not going to have your back, be there, show up the way you want him and need him to show up. So that's the anxious-resistant attachment. The 3rd attachment style is the avoidant attachment. And these were the kids who, when mom left, They were almost indifferent. Like, they didn't even cry. Like, okay, you left. Okay, whatever. And when they came back, they either ignored her or avoided her or simply was like, like, I don't care. It was like an I don't care, indifferent kind of attitude. And this typically happened when there was neglect and abuse. Because these kids learned they cannot count on mom. Mom's not going to show up for them. They have to fend for themselves. They have to figure things out. So in a— they had to protect themselves by depending and relying on themselves, as opposed to expecting much from the other person or seeking the approval, the love, the attention. of mom or other people in general, right? Like when you have that, that insecure avoidant attachment. So this was my client Alex. Alex had spent his entire life fending for himself, and he built an incredible life. Like he went from having nothing to building an empire in his business, in his career, to creating a beautiful family. He has a beautiful, lovely wife and children. But then at some point he managed— or this unconscious, ingrained avoidant attachment style got a hold of him and got the best of him. So when he was pursuing her and he was being intentional and he wasn't comfortable in his familiar ways, He was different. He was, he was showing up with, with, with love, and he was building a secure attachment with this in this relationship. But as soon as it started getting hard, or he felt a little bit neglected by her, or like, you know, she was being more mom than she was being wife, and there was no intimacy, or he felt like she— he wasn't being appreciated, the moment that some of those things came up, or he felt and experienced those things from his wife, was the moment that his unconscious mind was like, whoa, danger, danger, danger. And he reverted back to his natural or his— the original attachment style, which was avoidance with his parents and his family. He reverted back to it because now she is the enemy. Now she's the The neglectful mom that didn't attend to him. And now he has to fend for himself. And now he has to, to push back and not allow her in and be indifferent and like have this I don't care attitude that obviously pushed her away further instead of wanting— like, like inspiring her to lean in and, and give him the love that he ultimately desires. So because he had an avoidant attachment, he was pushing back on love. He was saying, I want you to cook for me and serve me food. And when she did, he found a way to complain about something minimal just so that he— just so that he would unconsciously, of course, Not put himself in a predicament where he could be vulnerable to being hurt again. And whenever she approached him for intimacy and she put on like a Victoria's Secret gown and she was looking all beautiful and high heels and came for him, he, he was too tired or it was bad timing or whatever, right? Like he would reject her before she had a chance to reject him. before she had a chance to make him vulnerable and then, you know, be at her mercy. So I just, I just want you to reflect on your life and the lives of the people you love and see if there's anyone you can, you can notice may have experienced neglect, trauma. Pain in their lives. And in order to avoid that pain, they've avoided love. I have met too many of these people, and I hope you're not one of them. But maybe someone you love is. And now you have information that can help you understand, like, oh, we need to build a secure attachment before he's able to feel safe and trust that I won't break his heart. And I get to provide evidence that I'm here to stay, that I'm gonna stick around, that I'm gonna show up, that I'm gonna love on him. And I'm gonna make mistakes that are gonna disappoint him and are gonna remind him of those old ways, but I'm still gonna show up. 'Cause again, secure attachment is not about doing things perfectly, it's about always being there. And then lastly, there's a 4th attachment style, which is the disorganized-disoriented. And this is like the— I think it's like the trash can where like whatever you didn't— if you don't fit into any of the others, you come here. But it's also the more complex, because if you have both anxiety and avoidance in your attachment style because you had Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in your life, right? Like your mom was bipolar or depressive or had some form of mental illness, or your parent was an addict. And when they were sober, like life was great and they were the best parents in the world. But when they were under the influence, then they didn't, they didn't show up, right? Like, so, and you don't, you never knew like what dad and what mom you're gonna get, right? Like if you experience that in your life, then you may have both the anxious attachment style and the avoidant. And then that's when it falls into disorganized because it could be either or, both and, or none of the above, right? So these are the people or the kids in this experiment were the ones who did not have like a predictable pattern, right? Like the ones that were securely attached, every single time that mom left and mom came back, They cried a little bit and then they were happy. The ones with anxiety, anxious attachment, when mom left, they cried a lot more than usual. And when she came back, they cried even more instead of being happy. And then the avoidants were always indifferent or I don't care attitude, or I'm not even going to look at her when she left or when she came back. But then the disorganized ones are like, Sometimes they'll cry, sometimes they'll, they'll be happy, sometimes they'll feel anxious and avoidant. Some, you know, they're all over the place. So this is the person who sometimes had someone that he could rely on. And sometimes, depending on what the parent was going through— is he high? Is he drunk? Is he whatever? They got someone that wasn't safe. So then during that time, they learned to be avoidant. But then, you know, they were avoidant when they— when they— the person was there. Like, it's just— it's messier. I think you get the gist of it. So ultimately, my question to you is, do you feel that in your family of origin, with your parents, your primary caregivers, do you feel that you developed a secure attachment because they hugged you so much? My best friend, Caro, Always says that, like, she was hugged a lot, and that's why she has such a high self-esteem. By the way, secure attachment does lead to a lot of confidence, self-worth, high self-esteem, and very healthy, fulfilling relationships because you're not overwhelming, you're not insecure, you're not overbearing, suffocating, jealous. Right? Like, when you're secure, you are happier, more attractive, And, and you feel so good about yourself, that self-fulfilling prophecy, right? Like, you, you create what you believe in your life. So then those people tend to have less issues with betrayal, infidelity, abuse, and all these things that can happen in relationships. They're not 100% protected from it because such is life. And I have— I've had students who had a very secure, healthy attachment and ended up with— in very toxic marriages. So, so this is not like a 100% cause and effect. But there's a strong influence in how you develop attachments and what kinds of relationships you create and engage with in your adulthood. So what kind of attachment can you recognize In your life? Are you secure? You know, people got your back. And you know, you're worthy of being loved. And you receive it, give it to me, baby, let's go. Are you anxious resistant in your attachment? Where you like want it so badly. And these are usually the people that are really jealous and insecure and overbearing and suffocating and like, it's like clingy and too much. And by the way, you said yourself, you said those, your spouse and the people around you, your children, your loved ones, you set them up for failure because they'll never be able to measure up. You're, you're, you're so anxious about wanting them to provide the thing that they'll never be able to provide because it'll never be enough that you overwhelm the crap out of them. And then, and then we lose, or we, we contribute to a toxic relationship. And then, or are you avoidant? Are you like, oh, I'm fine, I don't care? Is I don't care like your favorite phrase? Like, it doesn't matter anymore, I'm fine? Is then, you know, may you may be avoiding. And avoidance doesn't mean that it's not there. It just means that you're trying to protect yourself so that they don't hurt you more deeply. Or are you disorganized, disoriented, where you have all of the above? I know when I was Learning psychology, I thought I had all the diagnoses. I'm like, I have that symptom, and I have the other symptom, and I have all these things. So maybe you are listening to this and you're like, I have all of them. But which one is the predominant? Ask yourself. And now, what does this mean for you as an adult? Your attachment style will influence the person you choose as your partner, as a friend, It will also affect the way you relate to that person, and it will eventually also serve as a model for your children. So even if you create a secure attachment with your children by showing up and being there, by modeling an insecure attachment, an anxious one, an avoidant and disorganized, by modeling that with your spouse, you're confusing your children too because Behaviors are caught, not taught. They're catching on to what you're living and what you're embodying more than what you're telling them and teaching them. So this doesn't just affect your life, your relationships, it also affects the relationships of those around you, especially the ones that you love the most. I had a client who struggled so much finding a partner because she was So terrified of having a marriage like the one that her parents had that she was like, no, no, no. Like, she said she wanted to be in a relationship, but at the same time she would push it away because she was so terrified of repeating the patterns of her parents. I invite you to recognize where are you in, in these bonds, emotional bonds, and what needs to happen for you to transform an unhealthy attachment into a secure one? How do you reparent yourself? How do you— what kind of coaching do you need, or, or support do you need to help you intentionally, consciously, mindfully respond and, and interact in a healthier way until that becomes the norm, until it substitutes the old ways. What needs to happen for you to feel safe in your relationship and build a secure attachment so that not only you can be happier and more peaceful, but you can also model it for the people who are looking up to you for an example? I don't know if this was too technical for you, But I thought I'd give you a little psychology class so that you understood a little bit of where this comes from. And in order to give you something to work with, if you want to build a secure attachment, you are going to follow Dan Siegel's 4 S's: safe, seen, soothed, and secure. If you learn how to build a safe space with your partner, with your children, with whomever you're wanting to create a secure attachment, no matter how old you are. Because since we have neuroplasticity in our brains, which means we can change our brains forever and ever, and we can develop new skills, then we always have the opportunity to become better. One of my students in the Faith-Based Coaching Academy is 87. 87 years old, and she did this program twice. And at 87 years old, you should see how she has healed her childhood trauma, her lifelong trauma. It's really beautiful. So 4 S's: safe, seen, soothed, secure. When you work on creating a safe space, you are— you know that you can be vulnerable. You know that you can be honest. You can be yourself. You're going to be protected. There's, there's that sense of, they're not going to use this to then stab me in the back. I am safe here. I can share, I can cry, I can be, and it's comfortable. So create that safe environment. If you're already in a relationship where it's not, it's not secure, and you feel like, you know, whatever you say can be used against you, then start modeling for that person. Start changing the dynamic and the patterns to create that sense of safety. And model it for the person that you're wanting to do it with. I mean, have the conversations as well, but nothing is better than modeling, I promise you. Then seen is about knowing that people care for you. Then if you want to create a secure attachment with someone, care for them. See them, notice them, validate them. Oh, I see you've been feeling this way lately. Like, what's going on? Oh, thank you so much for everything that you've done. Like, like, let them feel appreciated. Like, you, you see the things that they're doing, you, you reward their efforts, you reinforce them, right? Reinforcement is when we do something to increase the likelihood of a behavior reoccurring. So reinforce the behavior by Praising them, appreciating them, giving them something they want, and, and just— or saying it, like, just letting them know. That's the, the seen, like, you want to be seen. So a secure attachment is a bond in which you feel seen and you see the other person as well. And then soothe is, you know, that your person is going to be there when you're hurting. So instead of like, let's you know, my daughter comes to me and complains about something in gymnastics, and and you know, in a mom's eyes, it's una bobería. It's like some dumb thing. It's not a big deal. But instead of me saying like, oh, that's not a big deal. Get over it. It's you know, you got to deal with that. That's part of the sports, which we may do with you know with the best of intentions. But if we say that, we're invalidating. And then the other person doesn't feel safe to be vulnerable. That's one of the S's. And they don't feel seen, like you couldn't recognize that I'm hurting right now. And they don't feel soothed. Because now instead of feeling like you held them, they feel like more attacked. And like they're wrong, and they can't get anything wrong, right? And they're— it builds insecurity and fear. And okay, then I'm not gonna come to you next time, right? So So you can see how this happens even when we have the best of intentions as parents, or our parents had the best of intentions with us. And then lastly, secure. When you trust that the person is coming back, showing up, getting your back, that eventually they'll come to terms with whatever you're arguing over, that, you know, like With my husband, there's been many seasons in which we cannot agree on how to do something. Parenting has been like the thing probably that's been the hardest in our particular relationship. So there's been times that we just, we can't, and we don't see eye to eye. There's been moments in which my husband's given me silent treatment for a few days. I want to die when he does that. And I'm like, what? But I know that it's just a matter of time and not too much time before we both figure it out. I feel so secure in my marriage that I just know that we have to figure it out. Like, you know, maybe the conclusion that we come to is we're going to agree to disagree. Or like he taught me once, we're going to hug it out. We're not, we're not even going to talk it out because we just can't agree. We're going to hug it out. We're going to love each other despite our differences, and we're going to continue showing up for each other, right? So that's secure. Secure has to be with the predictability that the help or the understanding or the compassion or the connection or the support is going to come from the person, the people, the community, The world that you are living in. So 4 S's that we're going to build on to, to create a secure attachment: safe, seen, soothed, and secure. We're going to provide that to our loved ones, and we're going to create that for ourselves by giving it to the person we're wanting to connect more deeply. But especially, my friends, and please don't forget this part, by giving it to ourselves. We must reparent ourselves at this point of our lives and give ourselves that sense of safety. We get to help ourselves feel seen by having grace, by looking in the mirror and being like, you know what? Yes, you messed up, but But that doesn't define you, and you're awesome, and you care. I like— so see yourself, love yourself, provide yourself with what you wish your parents would have given you. And then know, know that even if you're down and you're in a funk or whatever, you're going to show up. There's a sense of security, a predictability that it's just a matter of time before you come back at it and soothe yourself and love yourself and caress yourself. Because you're humans and you're good. You're good. You were created to God's image and likeness. And you know that good is God with 2 O's. So, so you are one with God and you are good. And if you, if you learn how to create that emotional bond with yourself, then eventually you will know how to create it with your children, your spouse, your loved ones. And anybody that you desire to have a fulfilling relationship with. I hope this wasn't too technical and that it supports you and, and helps you become a better person and a better partner, a better parent. And I pray that you have the maturity to be honest with yourself and take this seriously because it doesn't just affect you. It affects those who are looking up to you as well. And lastly, if you want to learn more, and if, if this was not too technical, and you're like, ooh, I want to learn more about this psychology thing that helps me understand why people think, feel, and act the way they do, then book a call with me at talktobetsy.com so that we can discuss whether or not the Faith-Based Coaching Academy is the right fit For you. I'll see you next week. I love you. That's it for today's episode. I loved, loved, loved spending this time with you, so thank you for joining me. If somebody came to mind while you were listening, bless them with this episode. Send it to them. And if you may, please subscribe and leave a review. Those are really helpful to help us spread the message. And if you want To grow in faith and wisdom, join me at faithandgrowth.com. Thank you for spending this time with me. Love you. Bye. Bye.