Overcome Trauma and Adversity Using This 5 Minute Technique | 61

There are things in life that are unpleasant, or we don't like them, they're annoying, and we want to fast forward through them. Well, today I am going to tell you how to not be in that pain or suffering or frustration for more than 5 minutes. In just 5 minutes, you'll get all the outcomes that you desire. You're welcome. If you're new around here, I'm Dr. Betsy Guerra. I have been a therapist and coach for 26 years, And I have solved the most difficult problem I've ever endured, the grief of losing my daughter, in 5 minutes. And I am here to show you how to do the same. My dear friend Cynthia just had her son move to Tallahassee. We're in Miami, so 8 hours away, for college. And it was painful. It was very, very painful. Like, she was super close to him. The thought of her little boy that made her a mom not being home anymore, family pictures having minus one. For me, I have a senior in high school. The thought is terrifying. So I can only imagine what it feels like to, to go through it in real time. And when she came to me for some words of wisdom or hope, all I could think about was, oh, wait a minute. You're going to solve this in 5 minutes. And we can do anything in 5 minutes, right? We can do homework in 5 minutes. We can do work in 5 minutes. 5 minutes feels like that's nothing unless you're doing a plank. Or a wall sit or something in the gym, right? 5 minutes may feel like nothing, but in general, friend, we can do anything in 5 minutes. It's just 5 minutes, right? We just need to know that it's not gonna take long, that they're gonna pass by. Even if they feel like it's going super slow, like in the gym, they're gonna— it's just 5 minutes. Who doesn't have 5 minutes? We all have the capacity of enduring something For 5 minutes. And I am going to teach you how my friend Cynthia and you, whose son or daughter went away to college, and you who are going through a very unpleasant situation, or you who are feeling unpleasant emotions, I am going to teach you how to endure them for just 5 minutes. But before I do that, I have to tell you a story. I lost Fofi exactly 13 years ago. Last week on August 25th was the anniversary of her 13th year after passing. And I had the most lovely day. My husband and I always take the day off. We go to 8 o'clock Mass. We went to the gym together afterwards. We We spent time in the house in stillness, and we waited for our kids to come back home for the first time. We had never done this. This was the first, hopefully of many times. We waited for Chichi, Gordy, and Mia to come home from school to go to the cemetery. Usually, Alaina and I go after Mass, but this year Chichi said, Mom, I'm gonna go to the cemetery after school. And I was like, wait, we'll wait for you. Let's just go all together. And we had such a beautiful, holy moment. We brought a picnic blanket, and we sat on the grass. And it was a beautiful time of the day. Usually, we go when it's really hot and sunny. And there was a shade of a tree, a flamboyant tree that's right next to her tomb. It was peaceful. It was perfect. It was a perfect day. And while we're there, we're looking at her, talking about her, bringing back memories, telling them stories about how she was and how they each had a little piece of her. And then we talked about, like, you know, how is your life different and better because she lived and she existed? And this all came from a song that Chichi shared with us. It was a Beyoncé song of— because I was here. I Was Here, I think, was the title of the song. I don't remember exactly. But it was a beautiful song that talked about purpose and how when we're here on Earth, if we're here on purpose and we leave a mark, then our presence transcends. And Beyoncé was singing like, I want my being here to mean something and to impact as many as possible. So Chi-Chi shared that song with us. We listened to it. And after that, we were like, OK, so because she was here, how is your life different? How did she impact you? So we each said what that meant to us. And it was really beautiful because even Mia, who was born after Fofi passed away, Had so many things to say. Like, she talked about how she brings her peace and she's her guardian angel and, and, and her love and presence, like, lives on. And it just shows that love transcends death, always. So after we shared our thoughts about how our lives are blessed because Fofi lived, because she was here, We prayed together and each one of us said a prayer. And I don't know what to tell you. It was just beautiful. You never think of going to the cemetery and an anniversary of passing, especially of your daughter, to be something pleasant, but this was beautiful. I had one of the most beautiful days. And, oh, and if you know about Fofi, you know that she sends rainbows. That's her sign. There were rainbows in the morning that day, and people sent me them via text. And I love, love, love, love when people remember her. So when people reach out to me on these days, I don't resonate or connect too much with, I'm praying for you, I'm so sorry, I'm thinking of you. Not thinking of you, but like when they're— when they come with grief, I don't connect. Anymore with those messages. But I really love receiving the messages that say, I'm thinking of Fofi. Fofi was this. Fofi was that. That makes me— or they send me a rainbow. That makes me happy because all I want is for her to live on, to be remembered. That's how I keep her memory alive, and that keeps me alive. So it was that kind of day. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was a lovely day. And then I asked myself, like, how did I get to this point during which I am not invaded by the, what we call in psychology, anniversary reaction? Anniversary reaction is when your body knows that you've experienced trauma or grief in a particular season of the year, and it starts acting up, and you feel it, right? Like, for many years, Back to school was a trigger. August was a trigger. Like, I remember being like in a funk and feeling like all these unpleasant emotions, and I didn't know how to deal with them because I worked a lot on like, you know, preparing for the day off. But then it would catch me before, or it would catch me after, and it was so hard to intentionally prepare to be still, to be peace, to be grace, to be love, as opposed to being grief. So I thought, well, maybe anniversary reaction is never going to go away because we have no power over it. But for years, I've been like, I refuse to accept that. I am the producer and director of my movie. So I am— I'm not going to accept that. I'm not going to accept that grief is always going to stay with you and you're going to always have a hole in your life forever because there was— part of your life and they're gone. And I refuse to believe that grief isn't temporary. Grief is the path to healing and joy. Grief is not the destination. I just refuse to believe it is. So I have always worked on connecting more deeply with peace and joy, the peace and joy that surpass understanding. the peace and joy that I know God came to, like, give us. Like, He sent His only Son to save us and to gift us this peace. So that's my belief, and that's what I decided I was going to experience. So over the years, I have found a way to rise above the anniversary reaction and to embrace August is a new beginning. It's a new beginning of the school year of my other children. It's a new beginning of my life, because life as I knew it ended when Fofi died. But a new, better, holier, more graceful, more joy-filled, more peaceful life emerged with time. Of course, it didn't come overnight. So So, so August has has been better the last few years, and this year I was I was in a really good place. I have my heart is like so filled with gratitude and joy these days. Que que no me aguanto mi gente. Like I cannot stand myself. I feel like a unicorn in a world of rainbows and butterflies. Like I I just have so much gratitude every time I wake up. Everything that happens, even even adversities happen, and I'm like. My gosh, like I'm learning from this, or thank you, or like this. I don't know what to tell you, but I'm in a really good season of my life, probably because I I had a hard patch in the last year. So I worked so hard to regain my peace that I succeeded. But if you've heard some of the podcasts from the beginning of the year, you know that I'm human and I go through tough times. And there's one that I'm like llorando a moco tendido. I'm gonna put it on the screen if you want to go back and compare my energy now to my energy then a few months. But how? How did I go from hurt to hope, from grief to gratitude? How? And one of the answers to that is through visualization. And visualization is an exercise during which we imagine something that hasn't happened or isn't happening right now, and we would love to experience. So, Something that we want, because the subconscious mind believes whatever you tell it. So if you're visualizing something, the subconscious mind cannot differentiate fantasy, something in your mind, from reality, something in your physical life, right? So visualizations are a way of experiencing that which you haven't gone through yet in the present moment. You can visualize yourself winning the lotto. You can imagine yourself finding the man or the woman of your dreams. You can picture yourself in a happy marriage if you are struggling in your relationship. You can visualize yourself wealthy and free and peaceful and joyful and whatever it is that you do not think you have, you can imagine it. And for that moment that you are imagining it, You can feel it. You can be it. You can experience the whole thing in your mind, and your subconscious mind will not know that it's not real. Which is what— when you go to the movie theater, you know how you're watching a super sad drama movie, and a kid is dying, and you're like, this is so sad, and you're crying in the movie theater. Why are you crying? It's an artist. It's an actor. This is, this is not real. That's not a real kid. He's not dying. But your subconscious mind is so engaged with that movie that you, you think it's true. It just believes it, and it evokes the emotions that are connected to that which you are interpreting as truth in your subconscious. Okay, so that's visualization. So I have this visualization that I go to every time I feel sad, every time I miss her. You know, every time I go back to grief, or it shows up uninvited, I go to this vision. And this visualization involves me dying. I go to heaven. And when I go to heaven, I see Jesus, of course, but Fofi's there. And Fofi is receiving me, and she's like— she's a little older than she was when she passed away. She was almost 3. In this vision, I think she's like 5 or 6. So she's a little bigger, but still a little girl. And she has her beautiful curly brown hair. And she has like the big brown eyes and the big smile that takes up her entire face. And like everything about her is like glittery, like she's, she's shining bright and illuminated and Gorgeous, like absolutely gorgeous. Like my eyes have never seen anyone as beautiful as her. So I see her and then like we like we go and we hold hands and she has like she's holding my right hand and we're skipping going through through like a very beautiful prairie with a lot of grass green perfect grass and there's like the smell of gardenias and wildflowers and lots of colors and different, all kinds of flowers. I love nature and I love flowers. So there's like flowers and grass and the wind is like blowing in our faces and it's, you know, like all her curls are like swimming in the air. And I am blissful. I've never experienced all these colors, this sense of joy, this love inside me, this— I can't even describe it. There are no words. And we're skipping together, holding hands. And at some point, we get to some flowers, and we stop, and we look at each other, but facing each other. So now we're holding both of each other's hands in front of each other, You know when you're saying your vows in a wedding, like like that. We're looking at each other, and I'm like, oh my gosh! Like I'm enjoying the heck out of her. I'm like, qué linda mi amor. My goodness, I'm so happy to see you. And at that point, I'm not even thinking about how much I missed her. I'm just indulging in the present moment that I get to be with her. And when we're holding each other's hands, looking at each other. With that joy and love inside burning, I think, oh my gosh, I cannot believe that I suffered so much when you left. I cannot believe, like, how, how dumb of me. That was just 5 minutes. What are 20, 30, 40, 50 years? 5 minutes. Compared to eternity, 5 minutes. That's maybe less. 5 minutes compared to the rest of eternity, for an infinite amount of time. That was like a realization I had at that moment when I was in heaven with her. I was like, for the rest of eternity, I am going to be with you. I'm going to be Feeling your two little hands wrapped around my neck, and I'm gonna be experiencing your kisses and your love, and like just having the joy of looking at you because you're so beautiful, mi amor. I I was like, qué boba! Like five minutes. All I had without her were five minutes. And immediately I thought about people at that moment. In this visualization, when my daughter was too little for me to think about college, her leaving away to college, at that moment I thought about people who send their kids off to college and become empty nesters. And I remember thinking at that time, oh my gosh, they go to college for four years, and you're like, oh my gosh, I miss them so much, and what am I gonna do without them? And then they come back. Ah, joder! 5 minutes later, so 4 or 5 years later, they come back and they get married. Obviously, this is an ideal world. Things can happen. I never went back home, in all fairness. But in my vision, it works. They come back home, and I, you know, then they get married and they have kids. And now I have not just my kids, but I have my grandkids, and I am enjoying them. And I have never been a grandma, but I hear it is the best thing ever. I hear that. Like, if it's beautiful to be a mom or a dad, it's even cooler to be a grandparent. Like, it's, it's like all the benefits and then some of being a parent minus the hazards and the responsibilities and all the things. So I remember thinking, oh my gosh, 5 minutes. And that perspective, my friends, changed My life and my grief forever. Because if it's just 5 minutes, I can do anything in 5 minutes. I tell myself this a lot when I go to the gym. If I have to do a 5-minute plank, I can do anything in 5 minutes. If I have to hold a weight for 5 minutes, I can do anything in 5 minutes. We can. 5 minutes, they've been gone like, I don't know how many times since we've been here. 5 minutes. That's nothing. So when you reframe that time, especially when there's uncertainty— there's uncertainty in knowing when I'm gonna die and be back with her. There's uncertainty if I'm gonna be back with her. I believe it wholeheartedly. I choose to believe it wholeheartedly. I believe in heaven. I believe in eternal life. I believe in all the things that are going to support my heart. I believe in it. You may think like, oh, that's a lie that you're telling yourself. Okay, you tell yourself that. But I am choosing to tell myself this truth that I am believing in. This is my truth. And I just— I don't even believe it. I know it at this point. I believe it so wholeheartedly that it's become a fact. It's become reality for me. And because I can do anything in 5 minutes, I'm going to do it well. I'm going to do it with love. I promise to honor my daughter through love, service, and gratitude. So I'm going to be grateful during those 5 minutes. I'm going to serve others during those 5 minutes. I'm going to love the heck of humanity during those 5 minutes. And while I'm at it, I'm going to have fun. I'm an adventurer. I love having fun. I'm going to enjoy this. And that's why I live in a world of rainbows and butterflies, because I choose to see all of the misfortunes, all of the tragedies, all of the hardships, all of the adversities that I go through as 5-minute situations. Even if in the physical world they feel like an eternity. But think about it. Infinite. Okay, we can't even think about it. That's the problem. We can't even understand, imagine, think about infinite eternity because our human minds, the thing that we think with, are programmed to be limited and finite. So it makes everything that's infinite, it makes it finite. And that's why it's hard for you to see the light at the end of this tunnel. That's why it was hard for me. But today, you can visualize this thing that you're going through, anything. It could be something as little as— A headache. I don't know, I'm in an argument with my spouse, or as big as I'm struggling in my marriage and divorce is knocking at my door, or my child is going through addiction problems, or there's a legal situation that I don't know if and when it's gonna end. There's so many things that we all go through. Business issues, financial problems. resentment, unforgiveness, whatever it is that you're going through, lack of— like not knowing your purpose, uncertainty, like your kids going away to college. 5 minutes. In 5 minutes, you get to experience the peace, the joy that surpasses understanding. But while you're at it, if you If you are able to buy into this belief that it's just 5 minutes and you can just, you can get through it, then at that point, you're able to find hope in the present moment. 'Cause again, if you're in the gym, 5 minutes doing an exercise may feel like an eternity. But if you're doing it with purpose, with intention, with courage, with, with positivity, with— if you're holding that weight or that plank or whatever it is, during those 5 minutes, imagine that your kids are watching and like you want to teach them and you want to show them what determination means and you want to model that for them and just grab strength from that belief. Or imagine that someone's life Depends on it, and you love that person too much to fail them, you're gonna, you're gonna hold on tight. I like— give it purpose. When you're in the present moment of those 5 minutes, set an intention. And go back to the episode, it's on the screen. Go back to the episode on intention. Set an intention and decide what those 5 minutes are gonna look like, because they go by fast. And I know my life is gonna go in an instant, whether it's 20, 30, 40, 50 years that I'm without her. And during that time, however long it is in the physical reality, but really in my mind it's just 5 minutes, during that time, I am going to leave a mark, like Beyoncé said. And I am going to leave an impact, and I am gonna touch as many lives as I can, and I'm gonna be a vessel of God, an instrument that— That's right. That heals and spreads joy and peace and hope. Because if it's 5 minutes, all I have, why not make them count? So my friend, I ask you, what is the pain that you're wanting to fast forward? What are the thoughts, the beliefs that you're engaging with That are preventing you from living this present moment with peace and joy? And would you join me in this 5-minute theory that ultimately what you're going through right now is insignificant and little and short-lived? As real as it feels and as painful as it feels in your body, It's just, just 5 minutes. In 5 minutes, the person will be back. In 5 minutes, the pain will go away. In 5 minutes, you'll be healthy again. In 5 minutes, you'll be healed from resentment and unforgiveness. In 5 minutes, you'll find love. Just 5 minutes. If this resonated with you, or maybe you think of someone you love, Bless them with the episode. Send the episode, like it, subscribe, do all the good stuff, leave a comment. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one listening to my own podcast. So by all means, like, just, just share the love and let me know. Let me know if this is supporting you. And if you're already on board with the 5-minute belief and you want to find that purpose In these 5 minutes, go to talktobetsy.com and let's book a call to see how I can support you in making these 5 minutes extremely meaningful by equipping you and helping you connect to that divine wisdom and knowing so you may serve and elevate humanity while leaving a mark. I love you. Have a beautiful day. That's it for today's episode. I loved, loved, loved spending this time with you. So thank you for joining me. If somebody came to mind while you were listening, bless them with this episode. Send it to them. And if you may, please subscribe and leave a review. Those are really helpful to help us spread the message. And if you want to grow in faith and wisdom, join me at faithandgrowth.com. Thank you for spending this time with me. Love you. Bye.