Deeper Listening to End the Upset

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When I first learned this technique and there are several books out on deeper listening, the Power of Deeper Listening. But consider this, that behind every like really big upset or complaint, there are virtues and values that are being threatened. There are fundamental concerns that people have that are thwarted, that are upset, that are jeopardized by this. Well, I don't know about you. If you're an into a long term relationship, you probably have some familiar arguments. I know that I did for a long time with my wife over the TV in the bedroom. And it's funny, she knows the story, it's okay to tell you. But we used to argue like many couples do over something. It was just this argument that was so deep and so triggering and it just sent us down, you know, terrible rabbit hole. And it was about whether or not we should watch TV or even have a TV in the bedroom. Now I don't like a TV in the bedroom in general or I didn't at all. And I just like it's the light in particular bothers me, the noise, it interrupts my sleeping. And yet she liked to turn on the TV and go to bed with the TV on. Like she could fall asleep with the tv, the light and the whole thing going the middle of the night, notice it, click it off or sleep all the way through the TV on all night. Not a problem for her. Oh, so upsetting for me. So upsetting. Anyway, we would get in this Argument. This thing would come up and we'd be. We'd dig in, and I was right and she was wrong, and she thought I. She was right and I was wrong. And, you know, like, it was just one of those things. It's a stupid thing. It's kind of funny now in hindsight, but one day at lunch, this argument comes up again, and it's like, it just starts in, and very quickly we start going down this rabbit hole. And I can feel it, and I can sense the dynamic now in a marriage. A committed relationship, a relationship, you know, like, how charged it can get. But we have many versions of this with the people we work with as well. The same fundamental concept applies as applied in my marriage. And I just recently learned this deeper listening technique and the notion that behind these big upsets are some fundamental values. And the key is to ask what's really going on with the other person that's not being spoken. They might not even be conscious about it. Right. And so this argument starts to have. Is very familiar. I could suddenly feel it and see that it's going to get very ug very quickly, and we're going to feel like there's no way for us to survive as a couple and that kind of thing. I see all this coming, and I'm like, I remember the recent lesson, and I breathe for a second, and then I take myself out of the thing mentally, and I go, what is going on over there with her? What is it like for her? Not, like, how do I get her to see what she doesn't see about the TV and why this is so bad for me, but what's over there with her? And I looked across at my wife, and I became completely overwhelmed with emotion in the next instant, because what I saw is that to be her was to have to fight to get your way for the rest of your life, to be married to me. And I was, like, heartbroken that this woman that I love so much was going to have to struggle and fight to get what she wanted in life. And I just couldn't bear it. And even, like, it wasn't fully formed, but it all came very quickly, and I became overwhelmed with emotion. I'm not a great poker player. It comes out, out of me. And she looked at me, like, the change in my face interrupted the dynamic going on between us. She said, what happened? Where'd you go? And I said, I just realized that to be married to me is to never to be able to get your way without fighting for the rest of your life. And I'm sorry. And it's funny, like I'm emotional now even as I share it, right? It comes back. It's years ago that this went on. And then she started to cry because I spoke what she hadn't even said out loud. And it was true. It was true. That's how she felt, roughly. And in the next few minutes, I don't remember exactly what we said, but we kind of worked out some accommodation. My getting her world gave her room to get mine. And we found a way to work together instead of fighting about it. Appreciating the other person. It doesn't happen enough in our business lives and in our other relationships. It doesn't happen in international relations between countries. We spend so much time worrying about what we need and what we want and not what's going on and not what the other person values that is jeopardized and that kind of thing. If you want to handle and transform upsets forever, go deep. Look for what the person isn't even saying that's behind everything. Think about what they really value, what's virtuous to them, what they care deeply about, and give voice to that. Say, are you worried about this? Is this what this is like for you? Think about what it's like for them to be dealing with you in this situation and it'll blow their mind and yours and how much things move deeper. Listening is key to an awful lot of stuff. Like really, really deep behind what's being said underneath. Unconscious. Give it voice, bring it out. It's life altering. It can make a big difference not only in your personal relationships, like it did in my wife. I'm still married now, 28 years later as we speak. Knock on wood. Let's hope that keeps going. It's good so far, but it'll transform business relationships and conflicts with people and partners as well. So hope that's been helpful for you. My name is Bill Gallagher. I'm the Scaling coach and host of the Scaling Up Business podcast. 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Thanks again for watching for listening. We'll talk to you again next time. Until then, Keep Scaling Up. Are you ready to turn your goals into daily wins? You should check out our Scoreboard software powered by Align. It's the official software for scaling up. With Scoreboard, you'll get an AI driven coach for priorities and KPIs and it'll help keep your team focused on what matters most. With Align, you can track your goals in real time and you'll even see results on the go. With their mobile app, you can rest easy knowing that Align has world class onboarding and support to set your team up for success. This is really more than just software, it's what I actually actually used to manage growth in our scaling up client teams. Unlock clarity and results with Scoreboard by Aligned. To try it now, go to aligntoday.com Bill G One more time aligntoday.com Bill G that's aligntoday.com Bill G Check it out and try it now.