In this motivational talk, Brendon Burchard argues that genuine, authentic connection—both with oneself and with others—is the cornerstone of confidence. He explains how modern life’s superficial interactions erode confidence, especially during the pandemic, and outlines practical steps to rebuild it. First, he stresses the need for daily self‑connection through routines that remove distractions (e.g., turning off screens, walking, meditating) to reconnect with thoughts and feelings. Second, he highlights the impact of one’s environment, urging people to surround themselves with positive, supportive individuals. Third, he calls for consistently sharing one’s true thoughts, desires, and goals, regardless of how others might react, as a way to deepen relationships. Fourth, he advises raising the standards of one’s relationships—being more vulnerable, making clear requests, and not tolerating negative energy. Finally, he explains the brain’s “score‑keeping” tendency to log moments of self‑minimization, which can undermine confidence, and encourages ongoing, congruent actions to counteract this. Throughout, Burchard blends personal anecdotes, references to attachment theory and Buddhist teachings, and a compassionate, encouraging tone, urging listeners to practice these habits patiently for lasting confidence.
Chapters
This is the ultimate challenge, I believe, of our times is genuine and authentic connection. What we are experiencing in our times is phony, superficial sound bite connections. And that's why, while the world is supposedly more connected, we are more divided than ever because no one's being truthful enough. We're not having a worldwide conversation that is authentic and true and vulnerable and consistent. And so we don't feel connected. It. When you don't have a connection with yourself or others, confidence goes down. This has been a hard one for a lot of people this year because you've been. Many of you, I don't know if you've been like, Denise and I have been very serious about quarantine because we both have elder parents. We want to see them, we want to go be around them. So we've been really hard about the quarantine stuff. We've been very, very, very, very not out there. Right. Mostly because I've been working for you guys, but also because we just been like, oh, it's so important to have a positive connection, a healthy connection. We prioritize that for ourselves and for our family. And yet, you know, that's been hard because we haven't seen our friends as much as we see our friends. We haven't traveled. I haven't been out there at seminars with you guys, jumping and clapping and giving you those big hugs. So it's been like, I miss you all. And that lack of connection can lead to less motivation, can lead to less confidence. So you want to feel more confident in life, reconnect with yourself and others with yourself. That's your morning routine. Lock in that morning routine. The more you feel connected to self, the more confident you are. But you need the time to connect to yourself, away from the email, the social media, the obligations for the kids, the family, the husbands, the spouses, the team, everything else. You need that moment where you're, like, out and connecting with yourself, with your thoughts. You need time to think and to feel again. So turn off the tv, go for the walk, put down the phone, do the meditation, get away from the social thing 110 minutes earlier so you can sit in the car and just think before you go home. You need more space to be thinking and connecting with self. Why is it everyone who ever had some type of, you know, I don't know, midlife crisis had to go away? They had to go away so they could connect with themselves. Why do you go to a spa to change up your environment and lock in and feel your mind, your thought, your body once more so build that in your life. Self connection. Second part, the most important part. We know environment dramatically shapes your confidence, the connection you have with the people around you. This means be around positive people. Contribute around positive people. Learn from positive people. It means create great relationships in your life. Create great relationships in your life. But let me share something with you that's so critical to your confidence, to your congruence, to your clarity. I want you all to improve this one. Simple action. Simple daily, weekly, real life action. You must start sharing your real thoughts, feelings, desires and goals with the people around you. You got to do it more often. Now. Here's the thing. This happens every time. Oh, Brennan, you don't understand. My spouse, he's such a jerk if I share what I really want. Oh, he's like, da, da. Oh, you don't understand. Brennan, this person's so nice. No, no, no. Who? Why do you think they need to understand or praise you for you to share it? Stop sharing it with the expectation that they're going to accept it, cheer you on, approve. No, no, no. You're going to share it because it's your truth you all follow. Here's where you lack confidence in life, when you won't share your truth because you're worried what everyone else thinks. That's what high schoolers do. You don't do that anymore. You're too damn old. Now, you share your truth with other people and realize most of them won't get it, won't understand why it's important, won't support you, won't care, or at least won't get in your way and say anything at all. But the less you speak your truth to other people, the more superficial your connections are with them. See, people often say, well, Brendan, people don't know me. Well, whose fault is that? Is it their fault they don't know you? Or have you actually provided consistent enough intel congruently enough? Over and over, they're like, I know that person. People in my life, they know me. They're like, that's Brendan. Because I say it, I speak it, I walk it. It's my truth so that it's easier to connect with me because they understand me. And I think that's what's important for you, too. Like, you got to speak your truth more often. I mean, do the people around you really know what you want in life? Do they really know? And if they don't get it, that's okay. Share it anyway. But, Brendan, they'll discourage me. No, they won't. They'll say, Words that you could interpret and mean and feel are discouraging, but you don't have to accept their discouragement, right? We learned that from the Buddha. We learned that from the Dalai Lama, that when someone goes up and well, how do you deal with angry people? I don't accept their gift. See, people are coming up, they're trying to hand you a big pile of anger. You don't have to accept it. They're trying to hand you a big pile of judgment and labels. Here's a whole bag of labels for you. You can grab it and go, oh, cool, I don't like these labels, or hand it back to you. You don't have to take it. This is the ultimate challenge, I believe, of our times is genuine and authentic connection. What we are experiencing in our times is phony, superficial sound bite connections. And that's why while the world is supposedly more connected, we are more divided than ever because no one's being truthful enough. We're not having a worldwide conversation that is authentic and true and vulnerable and consistent. And so we don't feel connected. And with the lacking of these other elements, someone's not being clear, someone's not being congruent. They all sudden, it's like hard to understand people. If someone is not clear, not congruent, and not trying to create a good connection, then we're in trouble. We have to up. I want you to all. As much as it's going to hurt you this year, and I genuinely know it will, as much as gonna hurt you, I want you to raise your standards for your relationships. I absolutely know that will be. Asking more of your spouse feels dangerous and crazy. Asking more of yourself as a leader feels like unnerving. Trying to be a better connected father, mother, brother, grandparent, that feels tough. But you know what? When those connections are there, you're more confident. We know from sociology that kids who come out of a more connected family, and I mean authentic connection, do better in school, right? We know from simple things of attachment theory of how much connection the parent has to the needs of the child, alters their adult life unconsciously, consciously, that parent that we can change, we can shift. Like lots of us didn't have ideal perfect childhoods. So we can shift that thing as an adult, mature, wise. But we carry along unconscious things too. From the degree in which we had connection as children, from the degree of which we had connection with a young, formidable relationship we had, from the degree in which we had connection with friends early on. Now I know you know all that. So what Brendon. So form tighter, stronger, real relationships this year. This is the year you reconnect with your friends, the ones you really like, and you hang out with them more or zoom with them more or facetime with them more or text with them more. This is the time you peel back the layers or the availability that you give to people who just, you know, you don't want that connection in your life. You know what? Because you know what? Raise your hand if you know it's true. Some people aren't going to get it. Some people aren't going to get it. They're negative, they're hurtful, they're angry. They're always that way. Let life be their educator. Stop giving them so much time. For those who say, but that's my spouse or my parent or my partner or so. And so it's like, you know what? Then again, don't let their energy penetrate yours. Don't let them stop you from sharing your truth. I remember early on I had a neighbor and I got to spend a Thanksgiving at this family, and this girl was sharing. She loved this musical instrument she played. She was always talking about, talking about. And every time her brother would say this awful thing to her, she'd be talking about, she's gonna do this thing at school recital. Brother says awful thing. Tried this thing, tried this new musical thing. Brother said, like, every time she shared it, the brother said something negative. And she still always shared it because her sharing was not stuck to his positive affirmation. I think it's so hard for people to get that, but it is game changer. Heighten the expectations of your relationships and people go, you're crazy. I'm not saying necessarily your expectations. I'm saying the standards of how you show up in them. I want you to be more vulnerable. I want you to lead the way. I want you to make the requests. I want you to be more vulnerable and share the truth. And if they don't get it, that's okay. But if you choke that stuff down, don't speak that stuff. That is a log. The brain keeps score. Oh. Because guess what? I want you to understand this. I know this is. I hope you get this, guys. Your brain keeps score every time you minimize yourself. Write it down. Your brain keeps score every time you minimize yourself in a relationship. Minimize yourself in a relationship for 10 years. No wonder you don't feel good even if you achieve so much at work or you're a good parent. Because the brain, it gives kind of similar scores if you're doing good in this area, but you minimize over here. That's almost like a one to one. They're like, good job, but you suck over here. It's like the unfortunate thing, the brain. There's not a ton of nuance sometimes, right? Our labels, the way we grew up, good, bad, positive, negative, left, right. We're so divisive in our spectrum without understanding that there's more nuance there. And that's unfortunate. So you have to understand when you don't, when you minimize yourself. Here's what's important. You minimize yourself five days in a row. You have a big win on a Friday, a big deal on Friday. You do great on Friday. Breakthrough. Get the negotiation, achieve something great. And on Monday, you show up not feeling good again and you're like, I don't understand. I just had that great Friday. Well, the brain kept so many logs of the minimizations. You're going to have to be congruent again into the best of who you are. And you're going to have to do it day over day, week over week, month over month, until it grows into an authentic and a beautiful and a strong and assured and a consistent confidence. So for those of you who hope to have unbounded confidence tomorrow, hey, maybe today there was an epiphany with such a shift. We'll get there. Maybe it's going to take a lot of time, and that's okay. Give yourself the grace. But also know that confidence can be summoned by some of the things we're talking about. Sam.
