Best Of: Confidence in Relationships

Hey, my friends, it's Brendan Burchard and welcome to a best of edition of the Brendan show. These best of episodes feature training that I have done live, sometimes online, online to tens of thousands of people or live on stage where I was speaking.

On some stages across the world.

Or these might be some of my monthly training programs and highlights of those that I do every single month with our monthly students. So I know you're going to really enjoy these because these are a little bit more of a deep dive look at some of my training as a personal and professional development trainer. You know, I focus so much on helping you find that deeper level of motivation and start practicing some of those high performance habits. Well, you hear me talk about many of those concepts in these special episodes here. These are my best of trainings only and exclusively right here on the Brendon show. So I hope you enjoyed them. Please note that as you hear me speak in many of these, you'll hear me reference something because sometimes I'll have been training live or on video or on stage or through a broadcast. So you might not be able to see something I'm suggesting or motioning to or maybe even drawing out on a flip chart or motioning towards on a presentation, but you'll get the gist of it. So make sure you bust out your journal. Just take some good notes here because this is really valuable insights on the mindset or the strategies that you need to adopt in order to improve your life. And if you want to go and get more content like this, but much more deeper and have more of an interactive relationship with me in this type of training, make sure you join our high performance monthly training program. That's our monthly subscription program where I go live with you and our high performance students every single month and I train on a new topic or a new piece of research that we've created from the high performance institute and I train on that and then I do Q and A and actual live coaching, interactive coaching with people every single month. That's called high performance monthly and you can Access it at brendan.com monthly that's brendon.com monthly B-R-E-N-O-N.com monthly to get deeper dive training similar to this. So if you like this, you would love that training program. But without further ado, let's jump in right now to one of the Brendon show's best of trainings.

This one's a big one. This is all about confidence in relationships because think about it for a moment Isn't it true that most of your confidence when it does wane is usually because of a social situation? You know, you could be at home wandering around in your underwear feeling pretty confident about yourself sometimes. But then when you interact with other people, you find you didn't say no when you should have said no, or you said yes when you didn't really mean yes, or you acted in some way that you're like, who is that? Or you found yourself just kind of feeling like a little shy, a little more quiet and reserved than you wanted to be. Most of our confidence issues come into play in social situations. Now let's talk about confidence in your relationships. You know, I know that it's just so hard sometimes to be confidently you around your parents, around your in laws. Oh, around a new person you're on a first date with. Oh gosh, around, you know, someone when you have to speak about, you know, a sensitive topic or for some of you, you know, it's like around that, that, that, that lover or that first networking experience, or if those are the two same things, I don't know, maybe networking and the first lover at the same time. I mean, you know, it's much more liberal society than when I grew up, folks. But anyway, we're talking about your relationships. How are you going to find confidence in your relationships, in your interactions with other people? Let me give you some basic ideas and ask how well have you been doing in these areas? So first and foremost I'd like you to decide right now that suffering equals silence. That, you know, so many of the reasons we suffer in our lives is because we don't speak up for ourselves. And I decided very early on, when I was 19 years old, I thought, you know, by just sitting here resigned and upset about the world and blaming about the world, I'm not expressing to the world what I think, what I feel, what I need, what I could use some help with, or what I desire, what my ambitions and dreams are. And because of that, guess what happened? Well, I fell into a deep depression. Depression is often, it's really a feeling that comes into us so many times because we feel like the world doesn't understand us, that we are alone. And in that aloneness or that loneliness, we actually stop speaking up for ourselves even more. And now we get bitter or resigned and we say, well, they don't understand me. And we get all upset about it. And the reality is, well, they couldn't understand us because we haven't been sharing ourselves authentically and often enough with people. And so we just become silent. And in silence equals suffering. And when I realized that, everything changed for me. It was like a global shift in my entire mentality about life. And I have to work with so many people in this situation. You know, people who tell me, brendan, well, I'm miserable at work, okay? I shadow them at work, and guess what I see? They're not talking to people. They're not really sharing who they are, what they think. They're the ones who sit at the meeting with the amazing idea, and they sit like this. Well, they wouldn't understand it anyway. They'd screw it up anyway. They stopped trying. They stopped communicating. So now they just sit there. They leave the meeting. They're like a bunch of idiots. They wouldn't listen to my idea anymore. Why? Because one time you put out an idea and someone made fun of it, right? You're quiet about life because one time in high school, a bunch of people made fun of you. I mean, as adults, isn't it time we get over all of that nonsense? I mean, whatever has shut you down from sharing, I mean, verbally sharing what you think with people more often, how you feel with people more often, what you want of life with people more often, what you need help in from other people more often, whatever made you stop doing those things, as much as you could be or should be. It's time to let that go and enter the present moment and make a different decision for yourself. To say, oh, oh, you know what I know if I stay silent for too long, I will suffer. My life will diminish. My source, my energy, my vibrancy will diminish because I'm not sparking to life who I am and what I feel. You've got to give yourself permission. And if you're in a marriage, you haven't talked to your spouse in too long about what you really desire, what you're really thinking. Then it's time to do that before you become that suffering case of the person who has a midlife crisis and runs off and does something irresponsible or dumb because you just didn't talk enough. Now, I know this enters dangerous territory because a bunch of people who didn't know your true heart and your true powers judged you, you shut down. Who's the fool in that situation? Them for not knowing you or you for shutting down because some fools who don't know you judged you. All I can share with you is I know that one of the key paths to happiness and yes, confidence in all social situations is learning to communicate more Explicitly and consistently. Who we are, what we feel, what we need, desire of life. And so I ask you this, how consistent have you been about those things? Or did you shut down because you got hurt one time? That's going to deeply impact the future of your confidence. So I hope you think about it and I hope you'll open up again and I hope you'll start being more talkative. And if your spouses end up hating me, your team ends up hating me. Why are you so talkative all of a sudden? Trust me. In sharing who you are, you will find more confidence in life. And that's why we are here. So challenge yourself. Second idea, practice presence for 20 minutes. This is my favorite all time relationship advice to give to people. I tell all my buddies this I think is an absolute ability to gain true confidence in any relationship. No matter what's happening, where there's a big conflict or big storm and people are all upset. It is the easiest thing to teach yourself to do to just whatever situations you walk into socially, to give it 20 minutes, to be patient and listen and be fully present for 20 minutes no matter what's going on. I can walk in. I've been blessed. I had some high level mediation training. So I dealt with people who were in major conflict, sometimes in divorce and they were getting mediation from us. Or in mediation where I work with students who are fighting or a teacher and professor with a student, or professors who are fighting, or the president university with the students or with a teacher. I mean I've had all the gamut and mediation case studies and in real life experiences, mediations and I've seen people go crazy and scream at each other and if I would just wait it out for 20 minutes. You know what usually happens at the end of 20 minutes? The person talking runs out of gas. Now they could be angry, upset, bewildered, hurt, sad, shamed. Let's let them talk for 20 minutes and just be there fully right with them. Non judgmental, not trying to answer or solve the problem, just there with them. Not trying to be a savior or inspire, just being there fully listening, actually reflecting some things back they are saying and not feeling the responsibilities to be a caregiver, the solver of the world's ills, you know, not trying to take a side with anybody, just be there with them. Let me tell you what that gives you confidence. I know I can go in any situation. I don't care what I'm seeing, what's happening. I've walked into rooms where literally they're negotiating a billion dollar Deal. A billion dollars. And I surveyed the people, you know, who won the most confident, the most patient, the ones who were present there. And I can see it over and over and over in every situation I walk into. If I can just be that person who's just patient, who's there, who's vibrant, who's alert and just watching it and be confident in that. Be confident in my ability to listen and my ability to be present in just those two things. All social situations now get easier. Imagine your relationships. You're gonna meet somebody new, right? You're at a networking function as an example. You walk up to a group of three people. You know what people feel like they gotta do to be confident. Hi, guys, how you doing? How was the day? Weather sure sucks, doesn't it? It's like, oh my God. What's no real confidence to be able to walk up to a group of people and just stand there and observe and talk with them when it feels right for you. No hurry. Not trying to win points, not trying to make that first 30 second elevator pitch so fast. Just walking up and you know, just being with them, checking out, listen to what they're actually saying, having something to say back when you feel ready, just having a calm mindset in your relationships, all of them, work and at home, will change your life. So my challenge is do this for 20 minutes. Just whatever. Imagine you come home next time and your spouse comes up and man, she is just unloading on you. Let's use that example, right? She's just, she's going off about her day and everything that's happened that day. And your first reaction, guys, is sometimes just to solve that problem is to get in there and fight with her, to take her side. And you know what, just listen really well. Look at your watch. Go for 20 minutes. Don't try to solve it, don't try to do anything. Just be there, listen, be present with her for 20 minutes and guess what happens? Watch your watch. I promise you it's going to happen about 20 minutes. She'll kind of run out of gas and she'll say, oh, okay, how is your day? Should we talk about what we'd like to do for dinner or about that and she'll change. Same thing happens over and over. It seems like a 20 minute fume point. People have. They can really go angry for about 20 minutes. They can vent for about 20 minutes now. Some people can go longer. Don't blame me if your spouse is one of those. That goes for 45 minutes. Okay? There's an Extra challenge for you. There's okay, survive the storm. As they're creating all that chaotic energy, just be that calm and listening to it. I literally tell the people that I work with when they're in a conflict to look at their watch. Don't let the other person see it. But you know, at some point when you can look at your watch and just give it 20 minutes, watch the magic of being present and listening calmly with somebody for 20 minutes, it'll change your life. Trust me. Watch. Do it tomorrow. Next time something's really going on. Just listen for 20 minutes. And they get more collaborative, they get more interested in what you're thinking because they feel like they've over shared. They feel like they went off too much. They feel like, you know, worried that they're not sure what you're thinking. They involve you more. Everything changes. It's a 20 minute segment. Give that a shot and see how it changes your life. Next, challenge yourself to be more vulnerable. What do I mean by that? Well, in the first one we talk about suffering is silence. So you have to share more, experience explicitly what you think, what you feel, what you want, what you desire of life. For a lot of vulnerability is talking about what things scare you and what things are disappointing you, what things have been difficult for you and actually talking about those again in the western cultures here in the United States, I mean, people really think they have to be buttoned up and so perfect and they may have one or two people in their life that they feel like they can share, you know, a frustration or a disappointment or a bad day. Be more willing to share that with more people. Vulnerability, sharing the world with who you are, but also the tough times, it makes you more confident because what you find is, you know, what people genuinely cheer you on. Your fear is, oh, they're gonna judge me as incapable. Your fear is, oh, they're going to judge you as a drama person. Your fear is they're going to judge you as someone who can't handle stresses. By talking them out with people, they see you cope with them. By seeing you cope with things, it gives them permission to be vulnerable as well. And your relationships deepen. Guess what happens when your relationships deepen. You find more confidence in them. If you're lacking confidence in any area of your life, it's usually because you're lacking the ability to be vulnerable there, to share who you really are, to share what you think and feel. Most importantly with vulnerability, sharing what you're struggling with, you know, but some of the best things I'VE ever done in my life is share what I struggled with. Because people go, oh my gosh, I've been through that too. Hey, could you try this? And I never thought of trying that. Or let me introduce you to that person. Oh, great. I mean, it could be as simple as sharing with someone. You know, I don't know what to do for the next level growth in my business. I know you've achieved it. I just, I feel like my cash flow sucks or, you know, my team is just not always right. I wonder if, you know, I don't know what to do about it. Could I talk to you? That one thing could change the course of your business and career for the rest of your life. Just being vulnerable. Say it's not going to as well as I had hoped. Think about that in a relationship to sit down with your spouse and say this isn't going as well as I'd hoped and it's not your fault or my fault. It's probably just how I've been of absorbing things and maybe of some of what we are doing together. Could we just talk about it? That takes massive amounts of confidence and I would say personal responsibility. Responsibility to yourself, responsibility to the relationship. So be more vulnerable. And guess what? Over a period of time, being more vulnerable, you start to feel more confident in yourself because you're being true to your struggles. You're honoring the struggles as much as you're honoring the wins and the striving. And suddenly your body and your brain, your spirit says, oh, finally brain, you're listening to me. You're acknowledging me. And by acknowledging yourself and your struggles over a period of time and being explicit with people, you start to find more self trust. And with that comes also you'll surprising much more social intelligence. So give that a shot. Last, challenge yourself to ask more questions. Confidence in relationships comes from understanding people. Is it true? Think about when you go to have lunch with the girlfriends or your buddies. You're confident in those situations because you've been there, you've done that, you know these human beings and so you find comfort in that competence. If we're all going to get better at this game of life and develop more social intelligence and confidence, we should get to know people better. I highly encourage you to get to know the people around your office more. Not only will you find a greater vibrancy in those relationships, you'll just feel better about life. You'll find yourself more confident. You'll be in your own tribe. You'll create a social sphere of understanding that Allows you to be more of these other things we've talked about, more explicit, more present and willing to listen to people, more vulnerable, much more likely to be flirty and open and joyous with the world. These things are simple and I know you know that, but people forget to do it all the time. We've covered everything that you know already is common sense. It's now time to put them in practice. Confidence is ultimately a practice. It's something you do, it's something you generate. It's something you choose to feel and to demonstrate to the world. And as you choose to feel it, as you have more of an intention for it, as you intend to demonstrate it more often, as you do practice it more often, it becomes a more natural part of you where you don't have to work so hard to generate it the first couple times now it becomes an unconscious rhythm. It becomes who you are. It becomes a feeling that lives in you. It becomes a belief about who you are, about what other people are. It becomes a global trust and joy in yourself and your life. I hope you will give yourself that gift. Sometimes so much of our confidence comes from just helping people in life. I've helped so many people. I'm confident I can help lots more. I. I hope you feel the same in your life and make that an aspiration that ultimately the greatest confidence we can ever feel that we lived a good life is to know that we mattered, to know that we gave some service to the world the way that we lived our own life, that we loved openly and truthfully, that we made our difference while we here. Those things give me confidence in life. Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter? I can go to bed at night knowing I did those things and that gives me confidence. And I hope by sharing what makes me confident and what I've learned with some of my world class entrepreneurs, executives, clients, Olympians, athletes, all these things I've shared with you, I hope you will put them into practice in your own life because you deserve it. You matter. Go out there every day of your life, live confidently, love confidently and make your difference every single day. Confident.

All right, my friend, I hope that you enjoyed that best of episode. Was that inspiring? Were you fired up? Did you love it? If you did, make sure you do me a favor, go out on social media somewhere and share that episode and just go out, post it somewhere, post yourself listening to it. Make sure you hashtag the Brendon show because when you do that, I can look you up and we can find you on instagram and post that in the social media. And sometimes we do all expense paid trips to people we find. We just randomly select people, we send them gifts, autograph books, swag T shirts, all expense paid trips to some of my seminars. So make sure you let us know, share what you thought about this episode out there on the social media worlds and then we can find you and celebrate you. And also I would love to invite you to join us in our high performance monthly program. So just go to brendon.com monthly. That's brendon.com monthly. That's where we do deeper dive trainings like you just heard. But we do that every single month and there's some live Q and A there and I do some giveaways and we give students in that monthly program tickets to my seminars and some extra special training on leadership. So make sure you check it out@brendon.com monthly. I appreciate you being part of this community of so many people dedicated to finding that deeper drive of motivation and practicing high performance habits so that they can become extraordinary in their careers. In your personal life, in your health, you can live an extraordinary quality of life. And sometimes you just need a little bit more training and a little bit more nudge, a little bit more energy, a little bit more drive and consistency. And I'm hoping that being part of this community with the Brendon show, I'm providing that to you in some way. So thank you, my friend, for listening. I look forward to seeing you or listening with you on the next episode of the B R E N D O N show.

Sam.