Best Of: Facing the Fear of Rejection

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Hey, my friends, it's Brendon Burchard and.

Welcome to a best of edition of the Brendan show.

These best of episodes feature training that I have done live, sometimes online to 10 of thousands of people or live on stage where I was speaking on.

Some stages across the world.

Or these might be some of my monthly training programs and highlights of those that I do every single month with our monthly students. So I know you're going to really enjoy these because these are a little bit more of a deep dive look at some of my training as a personal and professional development trainer. You know, I focus so much on helping you find that deeper level of motivation and start practicing some of those high performance habits. Well, you hear me talk about many of those concepts in these special episodes here. These are my best of trainings only and exclusively right here on the Brendon show. So I hope you enjoyed them. Please note that as you hear me speak in many of these, you'll hear me reference something because sometimes I'll have been training live or on video or on stage or through a broadcast. So you might not be able to see something I'm suggesting or motioning to or maybe even drawing out on a, on a flip chart or motioning toward on a presentation. But you'll get the gist of it. So make sure you bust out your journal. Take some good notes here because this is really valuable insights on the mindset or the strategies that you need to adopt in order to improve your life. And if you want to go and get more content like this, but much more deeper and have more of an interactive relationship with me in this type of training, make sure you join our high performance monthly training program. That's our monthly subscription program where I go live with you and our high performance students every single month and I train on a new topic or a new piece of research that we've created from the high performance institute and I train on that and then I do Q and A and actual live coaching, interactive coaching with people every single month. That's called high performance monthly and you can Access it at brendon.com monthly that's brendon.com monthly b r e n d o n.com monthly to get deeper dive training similar to this. So if you like this, you would love that training program. But without further ado, let's jump in right now to one of the Brendon show's best of trainings.

If you've heard me talk about fears before, you know, I usually say that there's three types of fear. And those types of fear are usually oriented towards, like, loss. Like, I'm scared I'm going to lose, you know, my identity, or I'm scared.

I'm going to lose my job, or.

I'm going to lose money, or I'm going to lose something. I also talk about the way that we think about fear. We're also scared of the hardship pains. You know, it's like, oh, it's going to be difficult or hard or I won't know how to do it or I'll look stupid, or the outcome pains. And the outcome pains are, well, if I do all that and it doesn't turn out well, well then, you know, what's that say about me? Or, gosh, why would I have wasted all that time? So usually when I think about fear, I kind of think about it in, I guess, sort of three time periods. Like before I do the thing, I'm scared if I do that thing, I'm going to lose what I currently have. And then I think about, well, in the process of it, I'm scared I'm going to have some pain, it's going to be hardship. And I'm scared after I do it, it won't turn out well. And I think that's where our minds usually are when we are consciously contemplating fear. Right. If we sit down, we think about, okay, I'm going to do this thing. And we're very conscious or aware. We sense that, oh, maybe I'll lose this, maybe that'll be hard, maybe it won't turn out well. But that's really the rationalized fears. I think there are also very impulsive fears that we have that often maybe underlie beneath the surface. We're not aware of those ones. And those ones are also very, very, very powerful in shaping what we do and we do not do. And that's what these four are. They're a different type of fear. These are kind of like under the radar. We know that they're there, but we usually don't rationalize them. So let me give you an example. If you go to start a new job or start a new career or start a new project or a new mission, if you rationalize it, you say, well, I'm scared to start this new job because that would mean I'm going to lose this job. And I like some of my clients here, or I like my benefit package here, or I like the security. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my security or something that I like. And then you can rationalize well, and Then, you know, to go get a new job or start this new thing, I'm gonna have to start my business or I'm going to have to put my interviews or start. Put my applications out, do all these interviews. It's gonna be a pain in the butt. Might not do good, hardship. And if I do get a new job or I do get a new career or start a business, maybe it doesn't earn me as much as this one. Those are rational, those are easy to understand. I love those ones because I can decode those ones. People can talk about them openly. They usually know what they are. But very few people would point to these things and readily acknowledge or see that these are the ones holding them back. Now, when I go through them, some of them you go, yep, that's one. I can understand that part of my life. But many of them, I just want to preface all this with many of these, you're going to be resistant to. You can say, oh, no, that's not me, Brendan. I'm so conscious. You know, you don't, no, no, no, Brandon, I dealt with that years ago. Everything's great. And yet I worked with some of the most influential people in the world who are confident, who do contribute, who do inspire or reach millions of people, and they still struggle with these. When we get to the root of it all, they might not use these words, but these fears are present. So let's work through them. Okay, the first of the four fears is one. The first one you'll recognize. You go, yep, that's one. And I want to, before I reveal it, I want you to think about, have you come as far as you wanted? Like, have you made as many client calls, made as much business? Have you been as great of a mom or a dad? Have you got progress? I mean, have you really got a lot of momentum, as much as you really wanted? Okay, if not, let's see if this one behind door one is your. Is your enemy. Because maybe it's door two, maybe it's door three, maybe it's door four, or maybe it's all of them. I know you're like, brendan, get to the point, pull the tab, tell me what it is. Stop all the warm up and just reveal the first one, which you know is the fear of rejection as a social species. Acceptance, validation, belonging is so built into our DNA. Like, it's just who. It's like, so important to us that doing anything that would risk us looking like a fool, that would make your family make fun of you, that would make somebody stop Loving you or caring for you as much or doing something where you would truly feel like you are now ostracized by people that you care about or care for. It's terrifying for people. It's funny though, when I sit down with a 40 year old and we're talking about their life and they're secure at home and they're secure at work and things are going good, so life is good, but they're trying to reach that next level. Sometimes we have to really ask, am I fearing rejection? Is that why I'm not at the next level now? Again, most people wouldn't point to that. They wouldn't be like, well, yes, I fear rejection. Even though they know it's a human story. They're like, well, lots of people fear rejection, but they'll say, well, not me. And I'll say, here's the simple tell, here's how we know. Did you take as much risks as you should have? That's it. If you didn't take the risks that you know would have brought you advancement, then please don't tell me that fear is not an issue in your life. And please don't tell me rejection's not because you were scared doing that thing and this might not have been fully conscious. You were scared doing that fully thing, jumping into that goal, that dream. Somebody might say something to you they might hate on you on the Internet. Your neighbors might look at you funny if they don't already. You might have had somebody around kind of like you just knew their negativity would increase the more risk that you took. Even though you knew those risks were really the next right actions of integrity for you. When you're stuck and you don't know what to do. I always say just take the next right acts of integrity for you, whatever that is, speak up for yourself, Take that step, move towards that dream, whatever you got to do. Take that next right action of integrity. Well, for a lot of people, that's scary when the spouse isn't going to be supportive, when the boss is going to say no, when the business is secure. But now you're going to try something new that might risk your ROI or your cash flow. It's scary. It's scary. And what we all want so much is to be loved and validated and accepted and belong. And most people don't look at this one. So let's flip it on its head a little bit. Let's flip it on its head because we know it's a powerful driver for people, even if they're not fully aware of how much they really are doing. You know, when people read my book, the motivation manifesto, they're always like, man, I didn't realize how much I was doing to please other people. Because those who you might say, well, rejection's not an issue. And I'll go, well, are you a pleaser? Are you a people pleaser? Are you someone who makes a lot of compromises in your life to help other people because you just feel like you need to do that? And they go, yeah. I said, do you ever please other people to the detriment of yourself? They go, yeah. I go, well, then you have rejection issues. If you can't say no, you have rejection issues. If you can't take risks, you have rejection issues. If you're trying to please everybody all the time at the cost of your own health, wealth, joy, confidence in life, you have rejection issues. And that's okay. I know you're like, dang, brendon, don't tell me I have rejection issues. I have experienced life. But I'm telling you, I don't know anybody who doesn't have some somewhere. Like, if you're really going to go to a new level, I mean, just think about this. Did you call enough clients this year? Did you outbound? Did you email enough? Did you do enough social media? And for a lot of people say, well, brenda, I didn't have the time. And we dig deep. They were scared putting themselves out there might draw a specific kind of attention. That's a rejection issue. They were scared to say, no, I'm not going to do these things over here anymore, guys, Because I want to do these things over here. And if they didn't make that leap, they had rejection issues. And I'm just trying to reframe it for you people because, you know, often we say, well, I got rid of rejection concerns in high school or college. I'm like, mmm, if you're still trying to please and you're still not making the leaps and you're still not standing up for yourselves and you're still not putting yourself out there fully expressed yet, then let's dig deep and understand that might be a thing. And so I just say, hey, look, going in the next couple months, first and foremost, just be more aware. Awareness is always the first gate to change. And so, okay, I understand. Maybe I am concerned about what other people think and that's preventing me from living my life. And so what to do? A couple simple recommendations. Number one, make sure you read at some point of your life the motivation Manifesto, it will put a fire in you to stop being a people pleaser and it will put you back onto marching the right path for yourself. And it will do it with some language that will absolutely put some fire under your belly. Second though, let's flip the script a little bit here. If we know that human belonging, acceptance and love is so important to us, but right now we are focused on a rejection or a concern what they might think. If I say yes or no or don't do my thing, then maybe we can flip it and say, oh, well, what would I have to do to gain the next level of love, connection, belonging or validation in this group of people who I want to serve, who I want to care for, who I want to contribute to? So let me give you like a tangible example. Okay. For me, I think a part of my early career, when I was first starting public speaking, I really didn't want to share too much about my own internal world or my own sort of life experiences because I just wanted to teach. I just wanted to say, here's the concept, go apply it to your life. Here's the questions, go. I was more of like the tools based or implementation type trainer, right? Very tactical and yeah, some transformational. But I wasn't really like owning it myself because I just thought, well, I really want to put myself out there in that way because I don't want all the attention back. The truth was that was a fear of rejection. If I'm honest, I could see that about myself. And yeah, I was starting to become successful, but lots of us are successful and we still have that fear, right? So to get over it, what did I do? I didn't have to go some deep regressive work into my childhood to understand rejection. No, because rejection is always. No one ever rids themselves of this completely. And if anyone ever said that they did, I just have to suggest that maybe they're living too comfortable and not contributing to the level they really could. Because when you're really giving, serving, there's no way that at some point the human impulse for acceptance won't like snap in your head. It's always going to snap, okay? So when it snaps and you feel it, turn it around and say, okay, what would I have to do to get the next level of belonging or acceptance or love here? Because you know what that does? It makes you more proactive. It says, you know what I'm scared of? I have some concerns of rejection. So I'm going to make it even more important to me to be present with Those who I love to connect with them, I'm worried they're going to reject me or make fun of me based on appearances. So, you know, I better really show up and demonstrate who I am so they're less likely to reject me because I'm showing my full truth. Maybe I'm worried what they're going to think on me, you know, in the YouTube community. So, okay, how would I deliver with such excellence that more people would like me, would share me, would accept? Right? Remember that first question going back to, I am a person of excellence, so how can I serve here in a better way? That's what I'm suggesting to you. Instead of like feeling like the fear and the rejection is some weird thing. No, everyone has it. So now flip it and say, what would I have to do to demonstrate even more of me in a way that I would connect better? Right. That's why you go read books like Dale Carnegie's how to Win Friends and Influence People. That's why you get interested in putting yourself out there and being vulnerable and being real so that you can have more of what you really want. Belonging. People go, well, I don't want to be vulnerable because I'll be rejected. I'm like, yeah, but if you're never vulnerable, also never have belonging. Double sided coin, buddy. Are you going to live on this side of the coin where I'm scared, don't want to be rejected, so I'm not going to be vulnerable or do you want to live on this side of the coin? I'm being vulnerable so I'm getting more belonging. You see, that's what I'm saying. Flip it, flip it. Do the actions that bring more connection in your life versus don't do the actions to avoid the pain of rejection. If that's an aha moment for you, write it down in your journals. Capture this today. But please get this one, get this. What would you do if you knew that succeeding the next level could bring more belonging? What's the next thing you would really.

Go for if you thought that next.

Thing would actually bring you greater connection with your family, your friends, your loved ones? Like what are the dreams that you have that will actually bring you closer to people? Maybe those are some things to focus on again versus the dreams that you have that you're scared of because it might push people away. Because we're always doing those two actions, right? We're running away for something or running towards it. I'm like, run towards acceptance versus running away from rejection. It's a much Better pull in life and connection is one of the 10 human drives. Read another one of my books, the charge, right? The 10 human drives connection, it's everything to us. Okay, I hope that served you guys. I will see you until then. As always, please go out there every single day. Know that with deep motivation and high performance habits you can live an extraordinary life. So make that an intention for yourself this next month. An extraordinary life, my friend. That's what you are aiming for until I see you next time. Go out there every single day and live fully, love openly and make a difference today. Thanks everybody.

All right, my friend, I hope that you enjoyed that best of episode. Was that inspiring? Were you fired up?

Did you love it?

If you did, make sure you do me a favor, go out on social media somewhere and share that episode. Just go out, post it somewhere, post yourself, listening to it. Make sure you hashtag the brendanshow because when you do that I can look you up and and we can find you on Instagram and post that on the social media. And sometimes we do all expense paid trips to people we find. We just randomly select people, we send them gifts, autograph books, swag T shirts, all expense paid trips to some of my seminars. So make sure you let us know, share what you thought about this episode out there on the social media worlds and then we can find you and celebrate you. And also I would love to invite you to join us in our high performance monthly program. So just go to Brendan, that's Brendan.com monthly. That's where we do deeper dive trainings.

Like you just heard.

But we do that every single month and there's some live Q and A there and I do some giveaways and we give students in that monthly program tickets to my seminars and some extra special training on leadership. So make sure you check it out@Brendan.com monthly. I appreciate you being part of this community of so many people dedicated to finding that deeper drive of motivation and practicing high performance habits so that they can become extraordinary in their careers. In your personal life, in your health, you can live an extraordinary quality of life. And sometimes you just need a little bit more training and a little bit more nudge, a little bit more energy, a little bit more drive and consistency. And I'm hoping that being part of this community with the Brendon show, I'm providing that to you in some way. So thank you my friend for listening. I look forward to seeing you or listening with you on the next episode of the B R E N D O N show.