Creating Boundaries in Relationships

This is that time of year. People are thinking about their relationships. And one of the most common questions we get asked is Brendon, how do we set more boundaries in our relationships? You know, someone takes advantage of our time, our energy, our effort, our money, whatever it is, and we get upset about that. So how can we prevent that? Now, I'm going to speak today specifically about setting healthy boundaries in healthy relationships, right? So your lover, your partner, your spouse, that person you're kissing on, how do you set some good relationship boundaries there? Okay, let's get into it. Four big ideas. Number one most important, say it early, don't wait to say it. What I mean by that is if you know what your boundaries are, don't let them crash into it and mess up before you say it. And what happens for most people because they don't know their boundaries, they just flip off at somebody, right? Someone does something, they get all mad at them like, what's wrong with you? And they don't realize the other person's clueless. No one will ever know your boundaries until you explicitly say, hey, this is a boundary for me. Let me say that again. No one will ever know it. Here's what happens especially, especially when people are new or young in a relationship. They try to set little hints. You know, someone does, their man does something that, oh, honey, I wish you wouldn't do that. And they're like, that's all they say. That is not enough.

Okay?

Men, by the way, are thick in the head. They need explicit, direct communication. If you set little hints or little traps, they're not going to figure it out ever. Not five years in the marriage, not 10 years. Boundaries need explicit communication. You need to say, hey, you know what? This is a real boundary for me. I'm not able to do that. I don't like that. This thing is really important to me. If you don't explicitly say it, they will never understand it or try to respect it. So if you had someone who's disrespecting you or not understanding you, is it because you haven't been explaining with them yet? At least start there. Trust me, start there. So maybe sit down and go, okay, think about the person you're in love with right now and say, okay, what are my real boundaries? What don't I want to talk about? What don't I like that they do? What do I not want to compromise again on where do I not want to feel like I'm too vulnerable or where do I want to open up? Like, you need to know your Boundaries. And if you don't, don't ever expect them to. And never get mad at them when they bounce into it. The most important thing this is number two, never get upset when someone bounces into your boundary. Ever. When someone bounces into it, either A, they don't know it, or B, they're just kind of going through the motions in their own life. Look, they're not thinking about your boundaries. This is really important. No one is thinking about your boundaries. And so when they bounce into it, don't get mad. It's a useless emotion to get angry when somebody does that. Because remember, like, would you get mad at oblivious child? Well, most adults are obliviously going through their day automatically. And when you're going through life automatically without full adult vibrancy and presence, you're going to do some dumb stuff. So don't get mad just once, it happens again. Turn back to explicit, hey, I'd really like this. Could you pay attention to that? I would also say one reason you should never get mad is do you know theirs? What are their boundaries? Do you know their boundaries that make them too vulnerable? Like if you go there, do you know their boundaries of what makes them upset? Have you asked the questions to try and figure out what they want, what they desire, what they need? Or. Or you just thinking about your own space now? I know, and I'm not trying to judge you because I don't know your story. I'm talking about this happens for a lot of people. They make the mistake of wanting so much for people to respect them without understanding others or giving others respect. Because it's very easy to get selfish in relationships, especially if you've been hurt. I understand that. But sometimes when we've been hurt, we want to set up a boundary to make everybody follow in line for, fall in line with us without understanding them. And that's trouble. And that's why I want to lead to this next point, which is really important. Set boundaries that help your relationship, not just you. I mean, you have to think of the boundary is no longer you and the boundary is no longer them. The boundary is the two of you together. So it's a different boundary. You need to open up your boundaries to the relationship. That means you need to change your personal preferences and pet peeves and everything else and open it to realize they got theirs too. Your boundaries as a couple should always be expanding between the two of you. Your trust should expand between the two of you. Your love should expand between the two of you. Your faith in each other and confidence in each other. That should expand between the two of you. Meaning boundaries are never set in a relationship. You should be pushing and pushing them. Be more vulnerable on your fifth date than you were on your first date, than you were on your first year versus your sixth year. Like, continue to grow and open up that boundary. It's so important. But realize, if all the boundaries you have are to protect yourself, you're not setting boundaries for the relationship. You're just being a single person in a silo in a relationship. Real relationships have boundaries for themselves. What do I mean by that? You protect your time with your spouse, your lover, your partner. As much as you try to protect your time against them or against others, you protect the respect that the two of you have. When people try to poke holes at your lover and they criticize them, you don't allow that. You don't speak ill of the person that you're in love with. You know, if you're in love with them, that relationship is healthy.

Look, if.

If they're abusive or they're doing something bad, tell lots of people and get the heck out of that reason. Get out of that situation. But if you are in love and this is a good relationship, listen, listen. It's important that you respect the relationship boundaries. That you don't speak ill or bad of the other person, that you don't take potshots at them. That you respect the two of you together. As important as your preferences, as important as their preferences, as important as your career, as important as their career. That the relationship itself deserves protection and your boundary around it to love on it and to protect it. Your job is to protect the relationship more than protecting your ego. Does that make sense? So expand your own definition of boundaries, and that will lead you in this last piece, which you actually really like, which is how can you now let go of all these boundaries you've set up? Like, there's a freedom in relationship. After a period of time where the boundaries have been knocked down more, where you're allowing people in more. I tell people all the time, I say, you really want to set boundaries in life, be more loving. It'll push the boundaries away, right? You want to set more boundaries in life, be more loving. Because the bigger those boundaries get, the more they become useless. Like, why are you trying to protect yourself so much? Think about that. After a period of time in a relationship, why try to protect yourself so much? Open up again. Open up those boundaries now again. If you're in a relationship where there's abuse, mental, physical, emotional abuse, then Your job needs to be exit, period. Your job isn't. Change the other person your job exit. Set the boundary exit. That's the answer, period. If you're an abusive relationship, go right, go get served. There's plenty of services in your local communities. Get support, ask for your friends, but get out of that relationship because the abuse will not. They're not going to suddenly remember not to be abusive. That's where they're at, and you can't change it. So set that boundary clear and clean. But if you're in a positive relationship, love more in that relationship. Be more vulnerable. Let that thing come open. Now, obviously you can tell I'm just answering questions here, and I'm going off the top of my head, but I hope it serves you. Because the reality is most people, they're trying to protect themselves too much in life because they got hurt. But I had to learn that lesson, too. I had a terrible breakup when I was a young man that caused me and led me into depression and ultimately suicidal thoughts. And I did what we all do. I didn't want to get hurt anymore. So I built up boundaries. I put up walls. I put on a mask. Whatever metaphor you want to use, I was trying to keep out the bad people, but at that cost of letting in good people. So I always say, sometimes in our own boundaries, in our own efforts to protect ourselves, we block out the very things that we so desperately desire. So it might actually turn out in your life, you didn't need more boundaries. You need to let a few of them go. Be vulnerable. Be open. Be open to the universe. Be open to your spouse, your lover, your partner again, and you'll feel a different kind of energy. Enter that relationship that you will sense is a big part of the charged life. Hey, my friend, it's Brendan.

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