Do This When You Feel Lonely

Welcome to the Charged life. This is Brendon Burchard. Hey, everybody, it's Brendan. Let's talk about loneliness. I mean, how can you be lonely? I'm right here with you guys. I mean, come on, you can Hear My Voice 247 on YouTube. How could you possibly ever get lonely? I'm right here with you. Really? That's not that funny because I think loneliness is a pretty serious subject and it's something people take incredibly personal because, you know, when we get lonely, it hurts and it's a bummer. And I think people need better strategies to deal with it, especially if loneliness becomes a recurring feeling that you have in your life. So let's actually talk a little bit seriously about this topic. First and foremost, I think a lot of people, and this isn't meant to be offensive, but I think a lot of people don't really feel loneliness. They're confusing it for something else. They call it loneliness. But often really, they're experiencing the general reality that sometimes life can be boring. That the general reality that sometimes we feel nostalgic for things. The general reality that sometimes we're just kind of like, you know, even though there's people around us that we don't feel like we're connecting, you know, they're not really lonely. There are people, but they're just, they feel lonely. So those three things tend to be what people are sometimes feeling and not loneliness. I'll come back to loneliness. But those things aren't loneliness. Boredom is not loneliness. Boredom means, you know what, you're just unsure of what to do that day. So you kind of feel like these feelings and you don't really connect with people because you're just, you're not goal driven at the moment and you just don't really feel like doing anything. And sometimes when you don't feel like doing anything, your mind that's trained to be so task oriented and to always be more, do more, achieve more. Go, go, go, go, go, go. It's not comfortable with stillness. And so the stillness or the silence or the quiet starts to be like, freaks you out a little bit and you feel like something's wrong. What's wrong is you haven't learned to sit in stillness and be comfortable with yourself. That's all. It's one of the reasons we tell everybody you should be meditating every day. Those people who tend to meditate tend to experience less mental disorder. Those people who meditate tend to experience a greater quality of control over, over their negative emotional range when it comes up because you know what? All of us sometimes, you know, you eat a bad salad and some bad emotions come up. You don't know why. There's no real big psychological drama going on. Sometimes just a crappy cloud flies over your head, you feel kind of bad and there's no big reason. There's no esoteric problem with your life. It's just a matter of you're having a bad mood, there's a bad moment, and it's okay. And people who meditate seem to handle those moments better because they can manage their thoughts better. So I just want you to think about it. It's like, am I really feeling lonely now or is it just that I don't have anything to do and it's kind of bothering me and it's bringing up some discomfort with being by myself. Because some people, myself included, when I'm lonely, when I'm alone, if you will, if I'm away from other people, as an example, I feel pretty good, like I need the breather, the. There's a lot of me that's an introvert that wants to feel that aloneness. I know it's different than aloneliness, which we'll talk about, but I want to feel alone and I want to have that time. And loneliness isn't a scary thing, it's not necessarily a negative thing. So it's just about how you really deal with it. Also, sometimes people think they're feeling lonely when they're really just feeling nostalgic. You know, you missed your ex girlfriend or your ex boyfriend, or you miss your father, your mother who's passed away, and you feel like there's a hole in your heart because they're away, they're gone, and you feel like there's loneliness there. But that same feeling for them can be easily transferred into positivity if instead of being like, I wish they were here, and allow that nostalgia to really play itself out, to really get in your mind and think about the wonderful times and moments you had with them. Because if that loneliness is coming from that connection that's no longer there, then recreate the connection. Even though physically that person isn't there. You can go in your mind and relive the beautiful moments you shared with that person. You can relive the laughter, you can relive the life lessons. You can relive the moments of connection that you had and just allow it to be there. Let it flood your heart. If it makes you cry, it makes you cry. There's nothing wrong with crying when you miss somebody. Let's stop making that a negative, bad thing and calling it loneliness when really it's just a beautiful moment of nostalgia. We should allow those moments to happen for us. And finally, let's also recognize when it's not necessarily loneliness. It's just that in that moment, we're not connecting with people who are around us. You know, I know a lot of moms tell me, I feel lonely. I say, how do you feel lonely? Have kids. And they say, I don't know, someday. I just feel really lonely. Are the kids home? Let's just say yeah. I say, okay, so what's happened is you're wrapped up in your head for a moment. You're evaluating your life, whether you're happy or you're unhappy with it. And just this. This loneliness kind of lands on you. That's okay. Your job sometimes is to get outside of yourself. You know, go play a game with the kids, go walk around the block, ask the kids what would really, you know, what do you want to do today? What do you want to have some fun? Do something where you just connect outside of yourself and get them excited. It's hard to be excited about our life when we're lonely. But if we can just use that as a moment, as a recognition to be conscious of it and say, let me energize the kids. Let me energize my husband. Let me energize someone around, and let them. Let me see them get excited about something, and maybe I'll be pulled along. Because the reality is, what we know from neuroscience is when you see other people having a positive time, your mirror neurons activate and you start to feel that expression, that emotion. It's why we have a high degree of empathy with people, is because our mirror neurons are activating and telling us to feel what other people feel. It's the social emotional contagion that we can feel. So get other people excited. You might start to feel that way, too. So first, that this big bucket of saying, just explore. Are you really feeling loneliness? Or is it something else like boredom, nostalgia, or disconnection from others in the moment that you could turn around fairly quickly because you do have the skill to do that. It will take practice. And I know those are common sense, but they're not common practice. So people who would rather, you know, who would otherwise feel vitalized in life don't, because they labeled it loneliness. And now they are a lonely person, and they're letting that negative label perpetuate a big negative ongoing story about themselves versus calling it what it really is. I'm bored. I don't know what to do with myself. I miss somebody. Let me allow myself to miss them. I don't feel connected with other people. Let me challenge myself to connect with them. I think if we start at that stage, that's a good place to be. Next thing in dealing with loneliness is to realize that what moves us through loneliness is a new level of connection, right? Often we are disconnected with those around us, but also with ourselves. And so one of the easiest ways to get through loneliness is to get moving. You know, it's been over and over and over and over and over again. We found from science, over and over, if you will go, move, go exercise, go for a brisk walk, just go, move, go dance, go do anything, go swim, Just get physical movement in your body. It will activate your mind in a different way. Literally, as you're moving, different hormones and molecules are firing off on your brain to help counteract those more negative emotional ranges. So get moving, it's vital. Whatever that could just mean if you're so bummed out and you're in bed, you know what, just force yourself, get up, get in the shower, go for a long walk, or go for a long walk, come back, get in the shower, just start moving around. That's all you gotta do, just move yourself. Best if you can do that with a friend and really share with them, even tell them, you know, I feel like I'm feeling lonely, I'm not sure why, and talk it through, but be walking while you're doing that, you're going to feel much, much better. Here's what else we know if you're lonely is it's important for you to get that social support. Call your friends, call your spouse, call your lover, call your buddy, go out, have a conversation, have a coffee, have a walk, work out together, whatever you do, but get somebody around you and just start interacting with you. And some people say, well, Brennan, you understand I'm lonely, you idiot, because ain't got nobody around. And I say, no, you have 7 billion people around. Let's stop fooling ourselves. There's nobody in the city I live in or the city you live in who are truly lonely. Loneliness is self invented. It is a label. It doesn't exist when there's 7 billion other beings. What it is, is it is a lack of assertiveness to go out and meet people and talk with people. Let's call a spade a spade. No one's lonely when across the street there's 20 people at a Starbucks. You're not Lonely, you're scared to make social approach. There's two very different things. There's some reason you don't want to go do that. And sometimes we need to get over that. And here's the way to do it. That is safe. That is proven that I think you might really enjoy those who really struggle with it. We say, brendan, you don't understand the depth of my loneliness. And by the way, that is their traumatic fault. People who are lonely always say that you don't understand and they forget that everybody understands. I understand loneliness, even though I'm teasing and cajoling a little bit in this. And I hope you can, you can feel my compassion as much as I'm teasing and helping try to give you some strategies to overcome it. There's no one in this world who doesn't understand loneliness. So when you say, well, you don't understand what that is, is that your ego lashing out because you're not allowing yourself to be understood? Look, if no one understands you, it's because you're not expressing yourself. Stop being a victim and blaming other people, those who they don't understand. You forget humanity. No, you're not the only person who's ever gone through cancer. You're not the only person who ever lost a kid or got a divorce or lost their job or went bankrupt or failed miserably or embarrassed itself or felt shame or did something stupid. Look, we've all done that. The world is full of that story. The world is only full of two stories. One is struggle and one is persistence and progress. We've all been there. So never get yourself in this. I'm lonely and no one can understand me. Please. That's just your ego just lashing out. It's not real. There's 7 billion people. There's thousands of years of recorded human history. Someone's been through what you've been through. You need to get outside and talk with people. And so here's what I tell people all the time. When they feel ultimately lonely, I go. It's easy to get in the very deepest depths of the despair when all we do is focus on our own story and our own life. So try this. If you have recurring feelings and emotions of loneliness, I would love for you to become a volunteer. What I, like you do is every single week, yes, every single week, go volunteer somewhere in your city. When you get around volunteers, you're around a positive, supportive peer group that training themselves to look outside their story, to serve somebody else. And some of the most powerful, profound moments in My life, including the times when I felt lonely, were when I said, you know what? I need to turn the mirror away from myself and go and talk with people and serve people. Tell you what, it's pretty hard to feel lonely when you go down on a Sunday and you serve at a soup kitchen. You got rows and rows and lines and lines of dozens of people who don't have a place to live, who don't have a regular meal, who don't have the opportunities and the joy and the blessing, the comforts that you might have, who are themselves in desperate need or themselves in a desperate desire to connect with other people. You want to get over your loneliness and get over yourself. Get in the service. Trust me on this one. If it's a recurring feeling for you, outside of doing the work that we talked about, moving, looking at your mindset, asking what this really is, maybe you knew. If it's really deep and it's real despair of loneliness, go see a therapist, go see a counselor, a professional mental health clinician. Go see somebody who can really serve you at that professional level. But also, as much as they're going to help you, they're probably going to say, same thing I'm saying, get moving, go out and serve other people. If you can get yourself to volunteer for someone or volunteer for an organization on a weekly or monthly basis, it will set up a rhythm of connection in your life of serving other people. That rhythm of connection in your life helps rid that feeling of loneliness. We all deserve to feel connected. We all deserve to know that there's this huge world of people out there who want to connect, who, who also struggle with loneliness, who also struggle with hardship and pain, who also struggle with shame and vulnerability and all the challenges. And if we can recognize that humanity in them, we can recognize it in ourself. If we can recognize it in ourself, we can now begin to take the actions to overcome it. You might not know that you're loved by other people because you haven't talked to enough people in a while. You might not know that you're respected by other people because you haven't shown yourself to other people for a while. You might not know that there's a deep connection and caring in your community for you because you haven't been in your community. But I guarantee it is there. As sure as a divine care and a divine and a godly love is for you in this universe, as much as you are loved by God, you are loved by God's children. There are a lot of people out here who care for you. Never forget it. Get out, get in the mix, start talking with them, start moving, start contributing, start serving and you start to feel more of what we call the the connected and charged life. Hey everyone, it's Brendan. Did you like this episode? Be sure to subscribe to the next one and tell a friend about us. If you want free books and world class training on motivation and high performance, visit me@Brendon Burchard.com and enter your name and email for our newsletter list. Until next time, stay charged and go out there every day of your life and live fully, love openly and make your difference today.