1 Dec 2020 · 27 min
Brendon Burchard breaks down four core fears that block growth, especially rejection and ruin. He explains how to recognize these fears, reframe them as signals for connection, and use weekly fear-journals and exposure practice to build resilience.
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Hey, my friends, it's Brandon Burchard and welcome to a special episode of the Brendon Show. Hey, I'm Brendon Burchard and I'm honored to be your high performance coach today. With this episode, I've spent the last 20 years studying human behavior change and writing, coaching and training literally at the top levels on the topics of motivation, focus, productivity, confidence and more. My goal, inspired by my own personal journey, is to help you and my audience live love and matter, which means to feel more vibrant, more connected and and more fulfilled in every area of your life. That's what we're doing today. If you liked today's episode, grab a screenshot and share it on Instagram. Just tag me enonbichard so I can see you and give you a shout out or a hello. And if you want to go to another level of personal development in your life this month, be sure to join me live every month in my coaching program. Just visit HPXCoaching to get signed up. I teach a brand new personal development session every single month. Meaning it's like a personal development seminar for you. Live every single month on the first of the month and then after I teach that for about 75 minutes, then we do live breakouts where you get to meet new people, network with people, set your monthly goals and establish real accountability for your growth. Listen, you know that expert guidance and real consistency and an inspiring community is critical to your growth. So join me this month on the 1st. Just go to hpxcoaching.com that's hpxcoaching.com it's time to level up, my friend. It's time to take your year back. It's time to find that focus and that confidence and that vibrancy and that vibe again. Go to hpxcoaching.com and and let me be your coach into fuller levels of high performance in every area of your life. Now, without further ado, let's jump into today's episode.
The first of the four fears is one. The first one you'll recognize. You go, yep, that's one. And I want to, before I reveal it, I want you to think about have you come as far as you wanted? Like, have you made as many client calls, made you as much business? Have you been as great of a mom or a dad? Have you got progress? I mean, have you really got a lot of momentum? As much as you really wanted? Okay, if not, let's see if this one behind door one is your is your enemy because maybe it's Door two. Maybe it's door three, maybe it's door four, or maybe it's all of them. I know you're like, brendan, get to the point, pull the tab, tell me what it is. Stop all the warm up and just reveal the first one, which you know is the fear of rejection as a social species. Acceptance, validation, belonging is so built into our DNA like it's just who. It's like so important to us that doing anything that would risk us looking like a fool, that would make your family make fun of you, that would make somebody stop loving you or caring for you as much, or doing something where you would truly feel like you are now ostracized by people that you care about or care for. It's terrifying for people. It's funny though, when I sit down with a 40 year old and we're talking about their life and you know, they're secure at home and they're secure at work and things are going good, you know, so life is good. But they're trying to reach that next level. Sometimes we have to really ask, am I fearing rejection? Is that why I'm not at the next level now? Again, most people wouldn't point to that. They wouldn't be like, well, yes, I fear rejection. Even though they know it's a human story. They're like, well, lots of people fear rejection, but they'll say, well, not me. And I'll say, here's the simple tell, here's how we know. Did you take as much risks as you should have? That's it. If you didn't take the risks that you know would have brought you advancement, then please don't tell me that fear is not an issue in your life. And please don't tell me rejection's not because you were scared doing that thing and this might not have been fully conscious. You were scared doing that fully thing, jumping into that goal, that dream. Somebody might say something to you they might hate on you on the Internet. Your neighbors might look at you funny if they don't already. You might have had somebody around, kind of like you just knew their negativity would increase the more risk that you took. Even though you knew those risks were really the next right actions of integrity for you.
Right?
That's what I'm always telling people. It's like when you're stuck and you don't know what to do. I always say, just take the next right action of integrity for you, whatever that is, speak up for yourself, take that step, move towards that dream, whatever you got to do take that next. Right. Action of integrity. Well, for a lot of people, that's scary. When the spouse isn't going to be supportive, when the boss is going to say no, when the business is secure, but now you're going to try something new that might risk your ROI or your cash flow. It's scary. It's scary. And what we all want so much is to be loved and validated and accepted and belong. And most people don't look at this one. So let's flip it on its head a little bit. Let's flip it on its head because we know it's a powerful driver for people even if they're not fully aware of how much they really are doing. You know, when people read my book, the Motivation Manifesto, they're always like, man, I didn't realize how much I was doing to please other people. Because those who you might say, well, rejection's not an issue. And I'll go, well, are you a pleaser? Are you a people pleaser? Are you someone who makes a lot of compromises in your life to help other people because you just feel like you need to do that? And they go, yeah. I said, do you ever please other people to the detriment of yourself? They go, yeah. I go, well, then you have rejection issues. If you can't say no, you have rejection issues. If you can't take risks, you have rejection issues. If you're trying to please everybody all the time at the cost of your own health, wealth, joy, confidence in life, you have rejection issues and that's okay. I know you're like, dang, Brendon, don't tell me I have rejection issues. I have experienced life, but I'm telling you, I don't know anybody who doesn't have some somewhere. Like, if you're really going to go to a new level, I mean, just think about this. Did you call enough clients this year? Did you outbound? Did you email enough? Did you do enough social media? And for a lot of people say, well, Brendan, I didn't have the time. They were scared putting themselves out there might draw a specific kind of attention. That's a rejection issue. They were scared to say, no, I'm not going to do these things over here anymore, guys, because I want to do these things over here. And if they didn't make that leap, they had rejection issues. And I'm just trying to reframe it for you people because, you know, often we say, well, I got rid of rejection concerns in high school or college. I'm like, mmm, if you're still trying to please and you're still not making the leaps and you're still not standing up for yourselves and you, and you're still not putting yourself out there fully expressed yet, then let's dig deep and understand that might be a thing. And so I just say, hey, look, going in the next couple months, first and foremost, just be more aware. Awareness is always the first gate to change. And so, okay, I understand. Maybe I am concerned about what other people think and that's preventing me from living my life. And so what to do? A couple simple recommendations. Number one, make sure you read at some point of your life the motivation manifesto. It will put fire in you to stop being a people pleaser. And it will put you back onto marching the right path for yourself. And it will do it with some language that will absolutely put some fire under your belly. Second though, let's flip the script a little bit here. If we know that human belonging, acceptance and love is so important to us, but right now we are focused on a rejection or a concern with what they might think. If I say yes or no or don't do my thing, then maybe we can flip it and say, oh, well, what would I have to do to gain the next level of love, connection, belonging or validation in this group of people who I want to serve, who I want to care for, who I want to contribute to? So let me give you like a tangible example. Okay. For me, I think a part of my early career, when I was first starting public speaking, I really didn't want to share too much about my own internal world or my own sort of life experiences because I just wanted to teach. I just wanted to say, here's the concept, go apply it to your life. Here's the questions. Go. I, I was more of like the tools based or implementation type trainer, right? Very tactical and yeah, some transformational. But I wasn't really like owning it myself. Cause I just thought, well, I really want to put myself out there in that way because I don't want all the attention back. The truth was that was a fear of rejection. If I'm honest, I could see that about myself. And yeah, I was starting to become successful, but lots of us are successful and we still have that fear, right? So to get over it, what did I do? I didn't have to go some deep regressive work into my childhood to understand rejection. No, because rejection's always. No one ever rids themselves of this completely. And if anyone ever said that they did, I just have to suggest that maybe they're living too comfortable of a life and not contributing at the level they really could. Because when you're really giving, serving, and there's no way that at some point the human impulse for acceptance won't like.
Snap in your head.
It's always gonna snap, okay? So when it snaps and you feel it, turn it around and say, okay, what would I have to do to get the next level of belonging or acceptance or love here? Because you know what that does? It makes you more proactive. It says, you know what I'm gonna have. I'm scared of. I have some concerns of rejection. So I'm gonna make it even more important to me to be present with those who I love, to connect with them. I'm worried they're gonna reject me or make fun of me based on appearances. So, you know, I better really show up and demonstrate who I am so they're less likely to reject me because I'm showing my full truth. Maybe I'm worried what they're gonna think on me, you know, in the YouTube community. So, okay, how would I deliver with such excellence that more people would like me, would share me, would accept, right? Remember that first question going back to, I am a person of excellence, so how can I serve here in a better way? That's what I'm suggesting to you. Instead of feeling like the fear and the rejection is some weird thing. No, everyone has it. So now flip it and say, what would I have to do to demonstrate even more of me in a way that I would connect better, Right? That's why you go read books like, you know, Dale Carnegie's how to Win Friends and Influence People, Right? That's why you get interested in putting yourself out there and being vulnerable and being real so that you can have more of what you really want, belonging. People go, well, I don't want to be vulnerable because I've rejected. I'm like, yeah, but if you're never vulnerable, you'll never also never have belonging. Double sided coin, buddy. Are you going to live on this side of the coin where I'm scared, don't want to be rejected, so I'm not going to be vulnerable. Or do you want to live on this side of the coin? I'm being vulnerable, so I'm getting more belonging. You see, that's what I'm saying. Flip it, flip it. Do the actions that bring more connection in your life versus don't do the actions to avoid the pain of rejection. If that's an aha moment for you, write it down in your journals. Capture this today, please. Get this one, get this. What would you do if you knew that succeeding the next level could bring more belonging? What's the next thing you would really go for if you thought that next thing would actually bring you greater connection with your family, your friends, your loved ones? Like what are the dreams that you have that will actually bring you closer to people? Maybe those are some things to focus on again versus the dreams that you have that you're scared of because it might push people away. Because we're always doing those two actions right, where we're running away from something or running towards them. I'm like, run towards acceptance versus running away from rejection. It's a much better pull in life. And connection is one of the ten human drives. If you read another one of my books, the charge, right? The 10 human drives, connection, it's everything to us.
Hey, it's Brendan and I want to jump in the middle of this episode here real quick and, and tell you about something I'm really excited about and something that answers a question that many of you have for me all the time, which is, Brendan, where do you get this crazy focus and energy in your life? And the truth is I've developed a supplement line that really helps me do that. And frankly, I needed to. I don't know about you, but sometimes when you're trying to achieve big things, a lot of stress comes along. And as you're trying to achieve bigger things, you need to be on your A game more often. You need to be mentally sharp and you need to be mentally prepared. You need to be mentally energized and productive. And not once in a while, but like every day you have to be on. And sometimes guzzling more coffee isn't going to do it. You have to use what we call nootropics, which are, you know, basically supplements that help optimize your brain.
And yes, we have a product for exactly that.
It's called HPX Optimize and it is our most popular product. And you can get it, it's back in stock at HPX Wellness. That's HPX Wellness.com you'll find HPX optimized for your mental focus and energy there. You'll also find my favorite powdered energy drink that we created, this 100% organic and vegan. And you'll find my essentials, which is my daily multi that I take, that covers my energy, that covers my longevity, that covers my immunity, that covers my brain and body health that I absolutely love. And you will feel the difference, go to HPX wellness.com right now. HPX wellness.com.
Second big point up here. Oh, my gosh, this is a big one. If you didn't take that big risk this year. I bet this one. Oh, I bet this one was rubbing on your brains and you're like, why didn't I do that thing? It's because we fear ruin. We think, if I do that, I will be ruined, I will go bankrupt, she will break up with me, our relationship will never recover. These things, like, we catastrophize. That's where real fear comes from, is when we are taking a fear and we are catastrophizing, we are making it so big and so broad and so detrimental that we're like, that thing would, you know, that'll kill me. We say, right, oh, if she left me, that'd kill me. Or, oh, my gosh, if I did that thing and we failed at it, we'd be ruined forever. You've heard yourself say this nonsense. Ruin. The fear of complete and utter irreversibility, a negative consequence. That's what it is. It's that fear of just complete irreversibility of a negative consequence. And here's the thing. If you've ever found yourself like, I'm not going to do that, because that could ruin us. You're in a ruined mindset versus a learning mindset. I tell people all the time who say, well, Brendan, you don't understand. I'm not scared of ruin. I'm just scared of being disappointed. And I said, no, you're just not into learning yet. You're not scared of disappointment. You're just not into learning yet. Because when you are into learning now, disappointment and ruin aren't even on the table anymore. Because everything is a test, Everything is a data point. Everything is something to learn from, and everything is a jumping off point, not a cliff. And once you get that, it's like, oh, I know a lot of people in the industry of entrepreneurialism or small business owners or people who want to be in that. And they go and they say, well, Brenda, I'm scared to start my own business. Because what do they say? I'll go broke. I'll face financial ruin. And I'm always like, you know what? No one ever hits financial ruin. They really don't. There is no financial can't come back from place because every person can make a new dollar, right? And that new dollar is. That's one peg up and another new dollar, another new dollar. And I speak to this not Flippantly to you, I went bankrupt in my life. Really? I mean full on bankruptcy. In the early part of my life when I first started my first business and I teaching and training and online training and workshops, I didn't know what I was doing. Totally went bankrupt. And I never thought this is forever. Oh my God. I was like, you know what? This sucks. Not what I want. So what's the next right action of integrity? Why is it important that I still show up and deliver with excellence? What will I do today? If there is tomorrow, there is no ruin. If there is tomorrow, there is no ruin. So what do you do? As soon as you start feeling yourself catastrophizing, Remember to ask yourself better questions and say, okay, not what I wanted. So what should I do today? Not what I wanted. What am I going to do tomorrow morning, tomorrow afternoon, tomorrow evening to start moving it forward to making that next dollar or that next right action of integrity to make that next call, that next email. There's always a next, right? Always a next. It's one of the great four letter words of all time. Next, right? So ruin shouldn't be stopping you. Fear of ruin. You just have to know where that is. Because what you're doing is you're catastrophizing. And this is really important. If you don't feel like you made big leaps this year. You were scared, you were like, I'm going to jump off this cliff and take this action and I'm going to fall to my death. Ruin, death, destruction. Instead of saying, I'm going to jump off this cliff and I'm going to fly, baby. I don't know how and I might fall for a little bit, but I'm going to flap those wings at some point. I'm going to catch that wind. And here we go. Your expectancy was in the gutter versus in the air. You were looking down versus looking up. You were feeling down versus animating yourself so you felt better and that you moved further. So, my friends, be wary of the ruinous thoughts, those global catastrophizing, dead, negative, forever things that you have. Soon as you hear it, you gotta flip it. As soon as you hear it, you gotta flip it. Now, we're only halfway through of this particular topic, but here's what I want to share with you. This might be a really good thing for you to add to your weekly reviews. Like a lot of people when they do weekly reviews and high performance, they're only focused on what did I achieve this week? What things did I get done what do I still have to do? What moments do I feel grateful for? And I'm like, that's good. But also, along with focus on what moments I feel grateful for and having a gratitude journal, maybe in part of your gratitude journal, you add fear journal and you go, what was I scared of this week and how can I release that? So I enter next week a more confident, bold, thoughtful person who's not catastrophizing, who is optimistic. Because we know in every area one of the most dominant, powerful human traits related to long term success and almost every positive psychological outcome from health to happiness to positive marriages to better behaviors that support you. Is this human trait of optimism like having an optimistic outlook? Well, if you're always stuck in fear, how optimistic are you going to be? Like, the most fearful people I know are also tend to be extreme pessimists who, who they just look at everything as dark. And that's because they've never challenged themselves to see the other side. They spent so much mental energy on the darkness that they forgot that, you know, the shadow in the room can only exist because the room is illuminated. So they focus on the shadow in the corner and miss that the whole room was lit up. And that's what we have to remember to focus on those positive things and to address where we might be catastrophizing, fearful, pessimistic, dark, and so that's why I say put on your weekly review. I know that doesn't sound incredibly motivating. You mean every week, Brennan, look at the things I might be fearful. Yeah, that's called self awareness. Like if I don't know why I'm not taking actions, well, then clearly I'm not measuring each week what's preventing me from taking those actions. But as soon as I'm very clear about what's preventing me from taking those actions, then next week I'm much more likely to take better actions. I know that sounds so basic, but let's test. Do you have a weekly review that every week you review parts of your life and what's important to you? If you don't, please don't tell me you're really a high performer because it's impossible to be leveling up consistently. Remember, high performance is consistent and sustained success over the long term. And you can't sustain it unless you know, at least it's growing a little bit as you're growing. So make sure that you have that weekly review. Test your fears, test your assumptions, ask what held you back this week and deal with that and People are like, well, I don't know how to deal with it. I'm like, you know, how to deal with it completely. Just acknowledge it, see it. Sometimes acknowledging and seeing something over and over and over and over again is the way to decouple from the fear.
Right?
It's that old thing in helping people overcome phobias. You slowly introduce them to more of that phobia, they see it more, they interact with it more, and they realize it's not so scary, public speaking, so terrified. Well, if I put you on stage 50 times, the 51st time, you're less scared, Right? Exposure therapy, they often call it. Well, I just want you to expose yourself to your fears more every single week by asking, what, what held me back? And as you see those, you go, oh, that's what's holding me back. And now week after week after week after week after week, 52 weeks of that, you start seeing that list dwindle because you're familiar with it and like, oh, not such a big thing. Oh, I was fearful this was bad thing was going to happen, you know, on Wednesday, I was terrified that meeting was going to go bad. And somehow Friday, you still had a job. Congratulations on your weekly review. You go, what a dumb fear that was. I totally survived. And now that next meeting, next Wednesday, it ain't scary no more. You got it. You need the weekly review.
All right. Hey, my friend, I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you're ready to go to another level, don't Forget, go to hpxcoaching.com Let me be your coach. Let me spend the first of each month with you, giving you a personal development seminar. Let me help you get unstuck, break through your emotional blocks, find your real clarity, your real passion, your real purpose, and implement the habits that you know you need to implement. Change your life by getting a coach, getting some expert guidance. Listen, you got as far as you could get. You're here. You've achieved so much in your life. But to go to another level requires another level of mindset, another level of discipline, another level of direction and community and consistency. And that is what my coaching program is all about.
So.
So go to hpxcoaching.com and listen, if you're ready to go to a whole other level, I'm hiring. Please go to brendon.com hiring for our open roles. I got a big secret project that we are rolling out and you'll only find information that@Brendan.com hiring we've got, I don't know 10 or 12 open positions there. If you ever wanted to work with me, if you wanted me to be your leader, you wanted me to literally employ you and help you grow in your career and do what we do, serving this mission of helping people around the world achieve their dreams faster, helping them improve their lives. We live every day as a team to do that and we are currently hiring. We're building out a new product and we need some people to help us do that. Brendan.com hiring if you don't know how to spell my name, don't even think about it. We're looking for people who are pros. If you're interested in internship with me, don't go there. We're not hiring interns. If you're interested in starting your career with me, don't go there. We are an a team here. We've got people who are really experienced. So if you're new to personal development or you're new to marketing, you're. You're probably not going to be the person we're looking for. We're looking for people with at least three years of professional experience in a lot of different roles because we take.
This role very seriously.
We get to change lives and millions of them every single day. That's the work. So we're looking for real pros. Top of your game, ready to come on to an organization that reaches just as many people in the world as any other personal development influencer or trainer on the planet. And we'd be excited to have you join us in a big new initiative we're rolling out for the beginning of the year. I can't even tell you any more about that. Go to brendon.com hiring if you'd like to work with us and if you just want to go to another level and have me as your coach, not your Boss. Go to hpxcoaching.com so I can give you a brand new personal development session this month to help you set your goals, get on track, get unstuck and and achieve your ultimate difference. Go to hboxcoaching.com for that. Thanks again for listening to the brendon show. You all mean so much to me. I have so much coming out in the next couple months for you here that's going to be unique and special and I know you're going to love it. So keep your head up. I know it's been a hard year. Please remember, as always, you are stronger than you think and the future holds good things for you.
Sam.