16 Jun 2021 · 11 min
Brendon Burchard argues that partners want your attention, not gifts. He traces how childhood conditioning creates anger and distance, then offers specific moves: put phones away, bring tenderness, recall the excitement of early dating. Presence, he says, is what people actually crave.
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Hello my friends. I'm Brendon Burchard, host of the Brendon show and founder of growthday.com and I'm honored to be your high performance coach today. I believe that every day we can be inspired. We can live with intention and purpose. We can bring the joy and honor the struggles of each day to push ourselves to grow, to serve, to be a role model, to lead extraordinary lives. I believe that every day is a great day to grow. That's why I started my company, growthday.com it's an online personal growth platform where you can get me and the world's best personal development teachers live coaching you every week. Sharing our wisdom, keeping you motivated and accountable, encouraging you to find the aliveness and the connection and meaning of life that we're all after. If you're not a member yet, please go sign up@growthday.com and join our huge worldwide community of achievers. For less than a dollar a day you get the world's best teachers live every week. And look, you've probably known for a long time that you needed some expert guidance and inspired community and life changing tools. So please, your breakthrough awaits you@growthday.com now let's get to today's episode. My friends, please listen closely. Maybe you take some notes so you remember these insights of personal growth and share this episode with three of your friends because we all have to share more positive messages in the world today. So share this with three friends just like you who are committed to their personal growth. And also be sure to tag me or DM me on Instagram. Rendon Burchard Join our million plus community there on Instagram so I can say hi. Thanks again for listening.
Now let's begin. Try to be present. Try to be present. I really believe, as Denise does, it's like when couples have learned mindfulness, when both of them have learned how to be self aware in the moment, to be able to come openly into the moment and be there with the other person in full presence, not stuck five years ago Present. Everything changes. I would say what our partners, our spouses, our relationships, our families want from us isn't more presents like material presents like Christmas gifts. It's presence. They want more sense that we are grounded right here with them, attentive to them, accepting of them in the moment with them. Not trapped in old stories, not angry about the stress or freaking out about the worries of next week or next month's bills, but rather at dinner with them in the moment with them, on the walk with them Living in the present with them. And this one, I would guess Denise probably brought up because it's so important in times of conflict to be present with them and to be. I would say, like, if I had to think about, like, my presence with Denise when we're struggling or when we're in argument, I would say if I could give my.
Like, I.
Knowing. Knowing what she needs in that moment more than what I'm kind of built or I was conditioned to as I grew up, is that presence with tenderness. That presence with tenderness. I think that's what lacks in a conflict or a fight. It's like one person's so worked up and the tenderness is in there, and I'm. I. I raised my hand. I got to work on that. That is one of those things I grew up in a. I don't know about some of you. I grew up in a super fast twitch, like, very speed up to argue, very vocal. Not, you know, no, there.
There was.
I didn't grow up around any passive aggressiveness or. Or quiet silence and conflict and judgment. It was all verbal and very physical. I grew up in a place where there was a lot of the physicality, a lot from the neighbors, the friends, the teachers. I mean, I grew up in a place where the principal could swat you with a wooden paddle. Like, literally, you got in trouble, you got beat by a wooden paddle by the principal. Like, I grew up so, like, crazy like that. And so my mind, until I was probably about 25, was conditioned for that. And I recognized in a relationship when I was 25 how quickly I got angered and wanted to storm out or scream or holler or. I just. I. My ego, it trapped up. But I was also just angry. I was an angry young man. I worked a decade really hard in personal development to let go of my anger that came from just how I grew up. I had to let go of that and let go of that. Not be perfect. Just get a little better every day.
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Com. I was also conditioned that way. And I have to go, who? Okay, that's a weakness of mine. And where does that come out? Usually for me, that will come out in an argument, right? If we're just not seeing something, I just, I just feel it. I feel it literally come up. I feel the emotion of it. It just can be trigger. And what do I have to do? I've got to try to be present. That's why I love her language this morning. I was like, oh, that's so good. I underlined try like seven times. Just try. Put the effort back into being present with your partner or spouse, even in conflict. But also in the beautiful times, put your dang phone down, be at dinner with them. Right? When you're intimate together, don't be staring off at the wall thinking about something else. Like try to be passionate, intimate again. Bring your awareness, your physical body, your mindset to the moment with the other person. I tell people all the time, I go, imagine you just found out your beloved partner or spouse is going to be gone in three days. They got a terrible diagnosis. I promise you would be so tender with them and so present. Well, none of us know when those days are going to come. None of us know we're going to lose the person. And as I've been with people towards the end couples, all they want is to hold each other and to be tender with each other. And so being present is about living in this time zone with them right now, in the here and out. Not the past, not the future here. But it's being attentive, tender, thoughtful, and energetically co creating together. Because some people say presence is B.O. you know, it sounds like presence is just tenderness and boring. I'm like, no, presence is pop and vibe and like the thrill of it all, too, right? That when you went on those first couple dates with that person, you were locked in. You were interested in trying to learn about them.
You cared about what your clothes looked like.
You know, you tried to smile. You tried to show some physical reaction to what they were doing. There was interest there. There was intrigue there. And you're both there, right? You're attentive. And if that relationship lasted, let's bring some of that back. That energy and the magic from that time. You fell really in love. When you went crazy for each other, what was there? What was there?
Intention?
What was there? Mindfulness to one another. What was there? Acceptance. And also not just accepting them, but pulling them in with your presence. Like you were drawn in, right? You were drawn together. They say, what was that? That's that energy. That's that presence that's bringing us together. We must rekindle that over and over and over in a relationship. It begins with both of us finding presence.
Okay, my friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Brendon Show. Tell some people about this episode. It's on each of us to spread positivity and empowerment during these times of chaos and negativity, right? So I'm asking you to be the dealer of hope and personal growth and education in your tribe. So take a screenshot right now and share the screenshot and this link to this episode with three of your friends today. Post it on social media. Use the hashtag growthday. That's growthday, because that's the name of my company and we're always giving away prizes to our community. If you'd like to help me personally, then please rate and review the podcasts on Apple Podcasts. Give us some stars. Cheer us on. Leave a review. Because believe it or not, that stuff actually really does help. And I read all of them. So my last thought for today, please remember you are stronger than you think.
And the future holds good things for you.
Tomorrow can be an inspired day. Every new morning is a second chance. Every day is a great day to grow. We're thankful to have you here in the growth day community. So be sure to go deeper with us@growthday.com.
Sam.