How to Deal with ANGER!

Okay, I got the question of what do you do if you're feeling angry? Like when it just, it just bubbles up and you want to burst on somebody? I get this question all the time from you all here on Facebook and as well as on YouTube and all over the web. So what do you do with that? Right now a lot of people are feeling very, very angry. And have you noticed that a lot of people recently kind of feel like personally offended about everything? You know, everybody right now in the culture, it feels like, is getting so offended by the smallest little things. One misstatement over here and the world bursts at them and bullies them. And I bet you've been victim to that too, that you felt in the culture that there's a little more anger right now. Maybe it's the political process, I don't know. This is not a political statement. It's an answer to the question, Brendan, what do I do if I feel so angry inside? I'm about to wreck stuff. This is your tutorial on that. Four big ideas for you when you're feeling angry. Number one, wait before you say that mean comment, before you write that mean just reactive post, before you freak out on somebody or break something, always soon as you feel angry, make your mind go, wait. You have to train yourself on that. See, there's this old thing in psychology, you know, it's stimulus and response. And the people who keep struggling over and over and over in their relationships, in their careers, on any path to achieving anything significant, who keep struggling, do so because they keep living from a place that is too impulsive. They are impulsively reacting to the world. They're always reacting and they're justifying their reacting. Well, you made me do this. You made me feel that no one makes you feel anything without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt taught us that, didn't she? That it is on us to control our internal representations, internal thoughts, internal feelings. The world is not responsible for that. We are responsible for self and our reactions to the world. And I know you already know that. So you must develop a great capacity in life to go wait whenever you have that feeling that comes up, that anger. Because most time anger is coming from an impulsive part of ourself that is reacting to a hurt that probably isn't really there, that is coming from a place that is worry. That isn't something we'd worry about. It's usually what I call the drama mind. You know what I'm talking about? Like, it's like, ah, because most anger just poor management of the mind. The mind comes up and this ego child comes out and says, how dare you. And you scream at somebody when they didn't do anything in the big plan of things that was that big of a deal. You took something personal and they weren't even talking about you. You took something personal and they weren't even thinking about you. You took something personal and it didn't even apply. It wasn't even stated in a way. And so often most of our anger, we didn't even hear it right, or we were hearing it for us and it had nothing to do with us. Or it came from that place where someone was saying something and it sparked an old reaction inside of us that just welled up or burst like an old pipe from some old stories. Most anger isn't happening in the actual context of what's going on. It's an old story coming up, an old hurt, an old wound, an old concern. Am I respected enough? Am I cared for enough? How dare they? All these things are the child mind, they're the ego mind. I just call it the drama mind. The thing that wants to make something a bigger problem than it really is because you have no perspective on life. But I bet as you've traveled or you've experienced more in life, you've realized a lot of people have it very difficult out in life. You've realized there's a lot of poverty, you realize there's a lot of struggle, you realize there's a lot of hurt and pain. And hopefully that gives you some perspective to say, geez, somebody cutting me off isn't such a big deal anymore. Because here's the reality. Especially, especially if you keep getting angry about the same thing over and over and over again. You are a victim of the drama mind, and that victim is you. You have the ability to turn that off. And the way you do it is, wait. You enlarge the gap of time between stimulus and response. That's where all self mastery comes from. Enlarging the time between stimulus and response. So now it's not the drama mind. It's. It's not the impulsive mind. It's the intentional mind. It's the mind that says, how would I deal with this if I was centered? How would I deal with this if I was an adult? How would I deal with this if I could be proud about myself later on? Your job, wait. And enlarge that gap so that you can listen, so that you can ask questions, so that you can still engage with it but not fight with it, so that you can Understand what's really happening and that you can get composure because you'll find personal strength and pride in finding composure. Because if you keep losing your composure over and over and over to the same things, you're a child. And I don't mean that in a derogatory phrase. I mean that is, you're still operating like a child from a reactive place. Let me give you an example. I know a lot of people who, on their morning commute, every morning on their commute, they get angry every single morning. The same thing happens every morning. Somebody cuts them off and they go into a rage about it every day. And I go, if you know something's gonna happen and it's gonna lead to the same negative emotional reality every time, then you're just a Pavlovian dog who hasn't trained yourself. If you don't learn to anticipate it and adjust your response to it, you're still the child. But, hey, listen, truthfully, if you're still getting upset about the same thing over and over and over again, it's time to step back as an adult and say, wait, is there a better way to deal with this for my health, for myself, for other people? Enlarge the gap between stimulus and response. And now you have intention. Now you have more personal power. So whatever time that feeling of anger comes up, wait second w Wonder, Ask yourself, where is this coming from, this anger, as you're waiting to react, go, where is it coming from? What am I really upset about here? And it'll give you perspective. When someone cuts you off and you feel angry, wonder, is this really about me? Maybe that person didn't even see me. Maybe that person just. Yeah, maybe they. Are they really rude? Are they really terrible people because they cut you off? Maybe they need to get home because their child is sick. Maybe they're on an emergency. They need to get home faster than you. Maybe they truly didn't see you. And maybe it doesn't even matter because it's always going to happen. And those things that are always going to happen, we must wonder what? Why is that still triggering me? What is it about that I think it's important to learn to have more of a Buddhist or a stoic philosophy about our emotions in life, to be able to dispassionate from this, to step back, to be the observer, to step back and wonder, why am I acting so angry right now? What is it about myself? Where do I feel like I'm not being valued or respected? And why do I have to be so Valued and respected. Why don't I let go of all that? Because you find extraordinary power in uncoupling, unconnecting yourself from the emotions that get you so razzed up to let yourself go, go. Oh, I see myself getting upset here. I wonder why. And then let it go. I wonder what's got me here. Oh, that's it. Because once you know what upsets you, you're in control of that. Now you understand. With understanding comes a great level of emotional power. The third one. This is my favorite technique, my favorite tool. If you're like, dude, I can't wait and I don't know why I'm at it, I'm just mad. Then insert this question. Soon as that anger comes up, ask a simple question. How would my highest self respond? Have the expectation in your life from now on that you're going to respond to situations with grace, with ease, with confidence, with a sense of peace and centeredness. That was one of the changing days in my life. I remember I used to be offended a lot when I was a 19 year old kid. You know, this is 20 years ago, but I remember I'd gotten, I'd been through a breakup with somebody I really loved and it was an awful breakup and I felt terrible and hated myself, hated that person. And I had all this anger and hatred for months and months and months. It ultimately led to so much anger that it drew me to suicide. And a lot of people don't know that. And it was a very difficult time of my life. I couldn't make it through the day and I planned on taking my life. And the anger, it just, it was sizzling in me and I felt like it had me. And I felt so justified in my anger. Don't we always feel so justified? And then one day I thought, I know I'm a weak man. I know that I have sinned. I know that I am not perfect. But if I could have a person who's so much wiser than me, if I could look out into the future and my highest, best, strongest and happiest, boldest self could step in this situation, how would my better self advise me now? And you'll always find that your better self will say, calm down, it's not that big of a deal. In the bigger picture, you're stronger than you know. Believe in your ability to figure this out. Take a breath. Take a couple breaths. Know that you could make the situation awful and make yourself feel bad. But that's your choice. Your highest self would tell you, you know what Handle this well so you can respect yourself later. Your best self would say, handle yourself well now. Just to prove that you can, Your best self would say, you know what? If you handle yourself now, you have fewer regrets, less later. Your best self would say, you know what? Instead of being angry, try to be compassionate because from compassion and love comes a greater power to influence than you'll ever have as an angry little child. Your older self, they'd tell you, they'd learn you, they'd give you the messages that you needed to hurt. What would you do as your highest self? I like my trigger for myself is when I feel those negative emotions. I, I ask a very specific question. My question is, if I was acting as my highest self now, what would be my next right action of integrity coming from a place where I want to be happy as a human being, how would I reply to this? And that changes the game. The questions we ask ourselves in moments of conflict dictate the answers and the way in which we behave. And so I say to you, take a beat, ask the questions, wonder why you're so upset and let it go. Ask what would my highest self do in the situation? And the last idea, just another W, well being, well being. Ask yourself, what would my reply be in this case that would help me develop well being, of mind, of heart, and how could I respond in this way that would help somebody else with their well being, that would give them a little more perspective, a little bit more wisdom, not as the holier than thou, I'm so better than you, oh, I hate you and you scream at the person, but instead, how could I explain myself? So I feel good about myself and I've conveyed what I need to convey, but I also did it in a way that they became better. Because what if you went from the angry, responsive, reactive, impulsive child into the adult that inspired the world with how you behaved even when you had the right to be angry? What if, even though Nelson Mandela had all the reason in the world to walk out of his jail cell and be angry and he what if he had done it? We wouldn't have had the obliteration of apartheid. We would not have a, a Nobel prize winning person. We wouldn't have had somebody who millions and millions and millions of people went to the streets in peace marches to support when he passed away, the world celebrated, looked at as not just an inspiration, but an icon. You look at the people who have all the reason in the world to be angry. A Martin Luther King, a Mother Teresa, people who have been vilified taught, bad. But they held their center. They still thought in terms of not angry responsiveness, but service to the world. They knew that their role was to be a role model. Maybe next time you have all the reason in the world to be angry. You don't justify it and you say, I'm going to take a higher ground. I'm going to use this incident, this moment, this time, to develop some personal strength. I'm going to use this moment, this time, this context, to inspire. I'm going to use this moment, this time, to be the rational mind here, to be the mind that will help, that will serve, that will demonstrate patience. Because patience is a virtue. I will use this time, this moment, to demonstrate that I am a good person. If you can do that more often than you have in the past, you will start to feel stronger and you will start to feel what we call the charged light. Hey my friend, it's Brendan. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Do me two favors. Number one, subscribe to this channel so that you continue to get updates every time I release new training for you. And number two, if you would like to get ahead a little faster in life, what I'd like to do is give you my 10 steps to achieving anything 10 times faster. So if you have a big goal, a big dream, a big mission in life and you just like to achieve it faster, what would you need to do? You know, this is exactly what I keep next to my computer or next to my bed. And every time I have a big dream, a big goal, I open it up and I kind of use this as my checklist to get ahead faster. Because you and I both know if you're going to be more effective or more productive or you are going to achieve your goals and your dreams faster, you're going to have to switch your perspective a little bit on achievement itself. You have to adopt new thinking patterns and habits. You're going to have to have new daily rituals and habits. And your entire approach to learning and skill development must be better. So in order to help you do that, just go ahead and click the link in this post or go to brendon.com for that's Brendan B-R-E-N-O-N.com 10X and you can download this guide for free. Just tell me your name and email. I'm happy to email that to you for free. The same guide I use to achieve any goal or dream faster. Thanks for tuning in. Until I see you next time, go out there every single day of your life. Live fully, love openly and make your difference today.