How to Get People to Change

Welcome to the charged life. This is Brendon Burchall. How do you get somebody to change? I'm always asked this. People write in Brendan, how do I get my spouse to change? How do I change my parents? How do I change my teachers? How do I change the people I lead and that I serve? How do I change a team member who's being a jerk? You know, we all struggle with. Sometimes we wish the people around us were different and that they change their actions. Well, how can you inspire that? How can you help in that process? First, realize the odds are stacked against you, my friend. The world and people don't change unless they have incentive to, unless they have reasoning to and forcing somebody to change. Good luck at that. I'm sure you've already learned that with your parents or somebody loved before. Okay, so let me share with you maybe the process to change. And once you understand the process to change, you understand some of the levers you could push or pull with others to have more influence with them, hopefully inspiring them to change. Okay, there's basically only four gates to change. It's like if you master each of these four areas, you can change your life, but you can also influence other people to change their life. The first thing that makes us change is, is awareness. When we become aware of the consequences of our behavior being good or bad, if it's good, we want to do more of it. If it's bad, we want to do less of it. And when, most importantly, we become more aware of an alternative path for us, a new option, a different way of being, doing, thinking. And if we think about that as a truth, awareness being the first gate to change. Well, if you want someone to change, first we got to get them being aware that what they're doing is behavior that is not supportive of them or that what they are doing, you want them to do more of that. And so your job is to be a little bit of a mirror, a little bit of a reflector, to say, hey, honey, I saw you doing this. And seemed like the result was that. What do you think about that? It's not to blame. It's not to ask for the request right up front. It's to reflect what you're seeing, seeing and how things are turning out and asking the other person to talk through it because it's in them reflecting and talking through it. That that gate to awareness suddenly opens up and they have to reanalyze where they're at, reevaluate how things are going. And that gets the old brain churning. Up there. So your job is to just point things out, not blame, not accuse, not even ask for anything. Just say, hey, I see, right? You know, I see you're struggling at work right now. And sometimes you say that you're just struggling with motivation, like, what's going on with that? Let them talk it through. Get someone in the process of talking through, and you get somebody in the process of transformation. Okay? That's where it begins. Also, awareness to an alternative path. This is where you come in. This is where you get to be the role model, right? We've all heard it before. Be the change we hope to see in the world. And so if you're going to do that, you've got a role model. What do you want them? You want them to be happier, you be happier. You want them to be more loving and vulnerable. You be more loving and vulnerable. You want them to be harder working. You be harder working. You want to be more kind, caring, compassionate, open. You lead the way. Because if that person sees you being that way consistently and enjoying life because of it, and it triggers our head, saying, hey, I want some of that. I want to be a little better here, right? So awareness is the first big gate. The second big gate is acceptance. That is when we can come to accept that our behavior is our own. We can accept the way things are and accept our role in wanting to change those things. Magic happens in our lives. So for you, though, to give another person acceptance is to open up the gate. This means if you really want someone to change and you've been really hard on them, that's not the path. I mean, unless you're a high school football coach, you know, the odds of you getting somebody to change by berating them is not so good. If you want somebody to change, your way is to meet them where they are and accept them for where they are. To accept their struggles as part of their story, to accept them even if you don't accept their behavior, you don't approve of their behavior, you can accept the humanity in them and saying, I know this is hard for you. I know you probably don't like this. Or, you know what? Regardless of where you're at, even if you do like your crazy narcissism, I accept you. I love you as a person. I hope I can support you through this process. And just being there spiritually for somebody, it's just like, you know, if you really want somebody to change, they have to be open to talking around you. They have to have a sense of acceptance around you. It's the hardest part of all of this, because I know you want somebody to change, but you need to slow that intention down and instead of open up and say, what would happen if I just met this person where they were? What would happen if I honored this person, complimented them, told them I understand things are hard, met their difficulty with an open ear or a shoulder to cry on. Because sometimes the greatest weapon in change is kindness. Being more kind and empathetic and understanding to other people. That's when they start opening and there's a new opportunity for change there. The third big gate, third big lever that you got is accountability. When people realize their role in things and they own, they take ownership of that. But there's also an accountability beyond them to change. Right? See, I remember the biggest change I ever made in my life. It wasn't for me. Even though I was a driven kind of guy, as you know, I'm a writer and a trainer, so my whole goal was to write. But I had trouble motivating myself sometimes. I couldn't change that behavior. You know, I just. It's just kind of stuck. It felt like one story and I couldn't go to another level. And for me, the accountability came when I. I saw somebody who I loved, my then girlfriend who became my wife. She was struggling, we were struggling financially, and I had to take ownership of that situation, to change it by being aware of the consequences that were happening there, by accepting my role in that, but also being accountable and saying, I must be the person to shift this. Things changed. Now. Sometimes accountability, you can get accountability by just sharing your goals. So get that other person to share their goals with you and say, hey, I like these goals. When are you going to do that? I'm going to do it on Monday. Okay, well, let me follow up on Monday. And getting people to share their plan of action with you and then you keeping them accountable to that, that starts getting them a process of momentum which opens up that gate to change and they go storming through. So your job is to say, how can you get them sharing something about why they want something about when they'll do it? And. And then you get to stay on top of them and say, hey, we said this. Are you going to do it? Accountability also comes into play if you can give somebody some more responsibility. You know, some people who want someone to rise up at work, you know, instead of just saying, well, they don't ever do anything, give them more responsibility and say, hey, look, I need you to rise to this level. And if you don't we need to move you to another role. We need to let you go. We need to change. But sometimes it's a new challenge, shakes somebody out of their comfort zone that makes them start changing. So giving people more freedom or more power, even though it seems counterintuitive, can actually shake them a little bit to say, I better rise or I'm out. Right? What other level of accountability could you set for that person or help them set for themselves? One of the greatest things you can do in accountability is be there for somebody socially. In other words, do the change with them. So if someone wants to get healthy, you eat healthy with them. If someone wants to work, run miles, you run miles with them. If someone wants to lose weight, you get workout partners. By having social influence on it, it makes it a little bit of a peer pressure situation, which is really accountability. And when there's a little peer pressure situation, that person tends to rise or at least show up more often. And the last lever you really have, the last gate to change, is called action. It's about helping people get momentum. But it's hard to get momentum if you don't know what to do. This means if you want someone to change, you need to work with them. Not just set big goals, but figure out the process to accomplishing them. People need a work plan, people need steps, people need a checklist. Lots of people in this world would change if they knew how. They don't know what to do. So your job is to help them figure that out. Pull that lever, you'll help them change more. So get somebody just to take a little bit of action by giving them the checklist or the plan. And soon as they start getting a little momentum again, they get more belief. They're more willing to change. Once they start the process of change, help them take action, you'll help them change. I hope this supports you in inspiring other people around you to reach that next quality of life. Whatever you feel that is for them, but just always, as I said at the beginning, realize it's a tough up for her battle. It's more beautiful in life to accept people where they are, ask them questions and help them get where they are. Then berate them. Don't point fingers, don't judge, don't be negative. You know, there's too much of that negativity in the world. But if you show up and you be the change and you facilitate that process by supporting other people through that awareness, acceptance, accountability, and action, you'll start to help them change and you'll start to Experience we call the Charge Life. Hey, my friend, it's Brendan. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Do me two favors. 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