How to Handle Conflict

Foreign. Hey, my friends, it's Brendon Burchard and welcome to the Brendan Show. This is a podcast about helping you reach high performance in your life, in every area of your life. It's about staying more motivated, more confident, more disciplined and on purpose. You know, the high performance experience is really about feeling more vibrant, more connected, more excellent, more fulfilled in your life. But it's also challenging you because you and I both know it's difficult to reach those levels of high performance without support, without ongoing commitment and dedication to your own personal development. So welcome to our HPX community. Thank you for joining us here on the Brendon Show. I'm super pumped for today's episode. Before we begin, I want to let you know that we have specials right now on our HPX nutrition line. If you didn't know it, I rolled out three specific products to help you with your performance. These are three specific supplements that will really give you the edge. Now, don't worry, I'm not starting an MLM or a downline. I'm not asking you to promote any of my products. And frankly, just like you, there's a lot of different companies and a lot of different products that I love and I enjoy and I'm not trying to compete with. It was specifically, I could not find three world class supplements that specifically helped me in these areas. So we've got HPX Optimize, which is a mental focus and energy product for your brain health. Then we've got Essentials, which is a functional multivitamin which we've basically enhanced for longevity, for joint health and for vitality and digestion. But what we did, instead of like making a multivitamin where they sprinkled a million different things in there that actually have no effect, we put in dosages here that you'll be amazed by. And then finally we've got HPX Organic Boost, which is the energy drink mix that I take because it's 100% organic. Organic. It's actually delicious too, I have to tell you that. So go check it out. Hpxwellness.com, everything you need to know is right there. And if you've ever wanted to know how to reach the high performance experience in terms of your biology and physiology, these products can really support you. Go to hpxwellness.com and without further ado onto today's episode.

Let's jump into how do you personalize persuade people? Because some of you are salespeople, some of you do negotiations, some of you keep losing that argument to your spouse. Over and over and over again. So this might help you. How do you persuade people? Okay, here's a simple framework for it. Number one, you have to know the wins. What does that mean? You need to know, in any given situation, what does the other party consider a win? Like, what would they consider a win? It doesn't have to be super bowl, touchdown, full season, complete dream. It would be, what would be a first win? What's the first win you can give your customer, your client, your salesperson, your spouse? What is a win? What does the win look like? And you gotta understand the wins, otherwise you can't negotiate. And if you can't negotiate and persuade someone, you're in a lot of trouble. You gotta know the wins, right? You gotta know the wins. I'll give you an example comes to mind. The story. When I was in college, I had the dirtiest, nastiest, drunkest, pot smoking roommate you ever saw. I mean, he was a, I was a professional student and he was a professional dirty dude. That was, that would have been his thing if he had a business card. Just said professional dirty guy. And I mean, he was dirty. He was one of these guys who's ever lived with somebody who's just gross. So I got this guy, and by the way, really, you know, nice guy, no, no problem with him at all. And you know, no, no, no ill wishing or anything else like that. Great guy, but just filthy. And it was just like getting on me. I'd come back because, remember I was working like three jobs in college, so my room was like my sanctuary because I'd work three jobs, I'd have to come home trying to do work, trying to make some extra money, doing some mentoring and teaching. I'm like, I'm doing everything I can to possibly afford college. And it was just way out of reach for us. So it was just like, work, work.

Work, work, work, work.

Come home and I just want to come back to my dorm room and like die. Just total exhaustion, you know. And so I got back to the room and there'd be pizza boxes all the time, everywhere. And it was almost like, did you ever know someone who could eat more than one large pizza? He could knock out, you know, two or three a day if he wanted to. He wasn't that much bigger than me. I was just like, man. And so you can imagine it wasn't just the pizza boxes that smelled. He smelled, the sheets smelled, the room smelled. It was just like bothering me. And I'm not like an OCD freak or anything. It was just Gross. And so I did what everyone else does. I tried to persuade him to do what I wanted. Clean up the box, man. Take a shower once in a while. Stop pooping your pants. I don't know what the hell the smell is in here. Just knock it the f off. It's bothering me. And we would. We would go rounds about this. And every time, the more I got upset, the more he laughed. You ever have an argument with someone where you were serious and they just thought it was funny as hell? And they knew that by them thinking it was funny, they would get to you? Oh, he had it down. He had it down. So I'm just like, please, man, please. Nothing's working. Nothing is working. I'm asking and I'm trying to do anything. I don't know his wins. I don't know what could possibly make this happen. This goes on for months. It's a huge conflict between the two of us, like, constantly. Room issues, cleanliness issues. It's just. I mean, literally months. Who's ever had an argument for months? Yeah. The longer the argument, the less it is evident, you know, their wins, the longer the argument. It's just clear. You don't know their wins. Otherwise it wouldn't keep going on. And one day I happened to luck by grace into his winds. I was with two of my friends who were both girls. And we're walking down the hallway, and he happened to be hanging out in front of the dorm room talking with somebody. And I walked by with one of my friends, Aaron. And we walked by and I just happened to see him look at her in that way. And we kept walking. And in my mind, I was like, oh, he likes Aaron. I didn't. I never realized that. And so that night, I thought about it all day. I was like, okay. So I went in the room, I said, hey, man, can I talk about the pizza boxes? And he's like, oh, here we go again. I said, oh, I know, but listen, I walked by earlier with Erin and did you check her out? He's like, yeah. I said, yeah, she's kind of hot. He's like, yeah. I said, can I be honest with you for a second? He's like, yeah. I said, the thing is, she always wants to hang out, and I want to hang out with her and a bunch of her super cute friends, but I'm not comfortable bringing them into our room. Sometimes the real win in persuasion is something you don't even think about. Cause you don't know their enthusiasms, you don't know their expectations. You don't know their background, you don't know what they want, you don't know what they're trying to do. And so you're taking your conflict or your deal or your product and you're trying to persuade them in it. And you don't even know their first win. You don't even know what the first win is. You know, let me give you an example, another example and persuading. I used to when I presented and when I first like my dream. I told you yesterday when my dream was having people around the world have this high performance conversation. I wanted a bunch of coaches to start with me and start doing this amazing thing. And I would try to paint this huge big picture vision of like this, you know, just esoteric coaching thing. But I had to realize that the win was, let me help you get your first coaching client on the phone. Let's make you that first couple hundred bucks an hour. First win. If you're trying to sell somebody the dream, you're gonna lose. First win. I had a realtor one time sold me a two million dollar property. Super smart guy. And we're kind of touring around the place and we're watching, we're looking at everything and I'm already thinking, okay, I'm gonna buy this place, this is great. And we're walking around and he goes to me, he says, you know, if you sign the deal and it's your first night in the house with your wife, how are you going to celebrate? And I was like, ah, damn, you're good. He's not selling me the dream. And growing up, the kids and everything, it's like the first night. What's one win, tangible win that you can give your customer, your client, the person you're fighting with, whether it's related exactly what you got or something else. I thought we were fighting about pizza boxes. In the end it was something different. So know your wins, know their wins, and that changes the game. And know your wins. So when I say the wins, it means you gotta know what are your first wins and their first wins. A lot of people argue all the time, but they don't actually know what they want. They just like to argue. And people who like to argue but don't know what they want are called miserable bastards. I think that's what psychologists call them anyway. I'm not sure, but it's true. People who argue all the time but actually don't know what they want are miserable. Who's ever dated someone like that? It's just like you're Arguing, arguing. What do you want? I don't know. Good God, throw me a line. What are you gonna do? So you guys have been there too. I know it. You gotta know the. Okay, number two, you got to frame the conversation with the positive, which is not what we tend to do when we're in a conflict or we're trying to persuade someone. Usually what we try to do, especially in old school marketing, let's take product sales. In old school product sales, it was all about, you know, start with the problem. Headline should be the problem, problem, problem, problem, problem, problem, problem, problem, solution, Deal. Buy now. And that worked for a really long time and that was excellent. Like copywriting 101 for a very, very long time. And then we hit 2010 and beyond and everything changed.

Right?

You couldn't have just the problem be the storyline anymore because now problems are just commodities. Like anybody can solve a problem now, right? Steve Jobs did not hold up the iPhone and talk about all the problems. Only he painted a whole different picture about a different way, changed the whole game, reframed everything to a better way. Your job is to reframe everything to the better way. But when I mean this specifically, let's take it into a relationship you're trying to persuade somebody. I could go to as an example in my roommate and I could say, you gotta clean this stuff up. Or I can say, hey man, you got a moment? I'd love to chat about our friendship real quick. I love to chat about our friendship real quick. Is very different than you're a dirty rotten scoundrel, pig gross, pie eaten scum, you know? Right. And that's what we do. When you're upset with somebody, you say you did this and you blame and you point. You can't do that. The second thing people do is instead of framing the positive, friendship, love, they talk about themselves. Framing the positive is framing the positive around the relationship. Framing the positive in the situation, framing the possibilities of the thing. You're selling much more so than the problems. Because people don't want to talk about problems even if they got them. So framing with the positive allows you to get in the door. You can't get in the door by banging on it and kicking at it. Right. You gotta think about like, I gotta frame the positive instead of saying, honey, we need to sit down and have the talk. Sounds great. Who's ever had someone say that to you? We need to have a talk. Wonderful. Let me stop everything I'm doing right now so we can have the talk. Awesome. That's not how it works. Instead, you have to know the wins and you have to frame it with the positive. Even if there is conflict, you can say, you know, I know we've both been struggling with each other recently and I'm sure you're frustrated and not happy with it as much as I am. And I know you both, we both really just want to be happy and we both really care for each other. Do you have a second totally different, raise your hand. You felt it. It's totally different. It's honoring and it's framing with the positive.

Hey, it's Brendan. I'm bopping in here real fast for you to urge you to go to HPX wellness.com and check out our products to help you get more of that mental focus and energy. You need to stay at your best, to deliver with excellence, to feel like vibrant again. Because I know we all struggle with mental fatigue and mental focus. We all sometimes get tired and sometimes we're worried about our overall health. And so I created three specific products to help you with that. Go to hpx wellness.com check out our nutrition line and let's get you to high performance baby. HPX wellness.com.

Third Intrinsic extrinsic bounce. Maybe the hardest thing to do in all of persuasion or sales and maybe the most advanced things that the world class negotiators who I've interviewed do. And intrinsic and extrinsic bounce means first, let's redefine those terms for you. Intrinsic means internal, right? Intrinsic is the reasons you would do it because internally it bring passion, joy, fulfillment, positive engagement or emotions, right? It's an internal game. I would do that thing. I would buy that thing because to me that feels good, right? That's internal. Intrinsic extrinsic is external extrinsic rewards. If they do it, they'll get status, money, power, attention, social reward, right? And what I mean by the bounce is if you are making an argument or you're negotiating, your job is to make that whole conversation a bounce between why they should do it because they'll feel good about it and why they should do it because they'll be recognized for it. That's the intrinsic extrinsic bounce. And you got to go if you want to be advanced and really make real persuasion, you got to go between the two. So you're talking sometimes about why it's good for them, how they'll enjoy it, how they'll like it. But then you also have to talk about how others will perceive it and what reward they might get. The Personal versus the social, intrinsic versus extrinsic. And when you're making an argument and if you don't do both of them, you're in a lot of trouble. There's a really great book that I hope most of you read. How to Argue and Win Every Time by Jerry Spence. Like a must read. How to Argue and Win Every Time by Jerry Spence. He used to be called America's Trial Lawyer because he was basically in his field undefeated. And he would do things with the jury where he would make them feel personally engaged emotionally. But then he would flip to, it's, look, people are watching you to do the right thing. And he would do that back and forth, back and forth. He's like, you know, listen, this is a big decision, and this person's life or career is on the line. And I know that you want to feel like when you go to bed at night, you did the right thing because you do care about justice, because you do care about fairness. Because it's important for you to know that society is doing well and the people are being recognized and rewarded for doing the right thing. And so for you, I know you want to go to bed and feel good about this decision. So here's some ways you can feel good about this decision. And then you do that. And then you also say, and what's really important to know is, listen, the whole world's watching us right now. And you're going to be celebrated as a jury if you make the right choice. If you make the wrong one, people will know it, too.

Whoa.

Personal, social, intrinsic, extrinsic, right? You go to buy a car, if somebody revs you up about that car, they get you all your enthusiasm about the car and everything else like that. And then they also say, and you know what? Soon as you drive it up, you know what's gonna happen? You're gonna drive it up one day, you're gonna be washing it, and your neighbor's gonna come over and be like, so, you know, like, how'd you get that car? How'd you get that? And they bring your neighbor into the conversation about the car. That's when you go, oh, I'm dealing with a pro. Soon as you know it. I always ask, as soon as someone does the intrinsic extrinsic balance, I'm like, oh, here we go. Let me just get my wallet out. It's gonna happen. I just. I know I'm dealing with a pro. So think about it. Your last sales video, your last negotiation meeting, did you bounce between the two throughout the conversation not once or twice throughout it. It's gotta be a looping line in Persuasion. It's gotta. Both of them, you're bouncing it, Bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, bouncing. It's good for them, it's good for their family.

It's good for them.

It's good for the world. They all feel good. Other people recognize it over and over and over and over and over throughout the dialogue and the conversation. And it changes everything. It changes everything. All right.

Hey, it's Brennan. I hope you enjoyed that episode and I hope it helped you reach another level of high performance in your life. Whether it's just a shift in your mindset or shift in your habits or a shift in your intention for the day. I really honor you for listening to the Brendon show and I'm deeply thankful. So could you do me a favor? Could you just go onto itunes or Apple Podcasts and rate and review this episode or any of our episodes? And also while you're there to help me, just download the last five episodes too, onto your phone because, you know, Apple really cares about the downloads and the rating and reviews. And I've never really asked for that in six years of podcasting and finally my friends convinced me to ask you to do that for me. I've never asked anything with my podcast community ever, but I really, really appreciate if you could do that. Also, if you would like some more in depth training, please don't forget that every single month I go live for two hours and teach new and original personal development, research new frameworks to my entire virtual community in our HPX coaching program. And you can just go to hpxcoaching.com that's hpxcoaching.com to learn all about the different options there. But listen, I'm live two hours every single month with literally thousands of high achievers from around the world who tune in to get these new frameworks for reaching high performance in their life. Sometimes we talk about relationships, sometimes we talk about breaking bad habits. Sometimes we talk about achieving another level of confidence or discipline or goal attainment. But we are there every single month and I'd love for you to join us. Just go to hpxcoaching.com to see all of your options and really join us. Dedicate yourself to personal mastery. Dedicate yourself to this journey. Not just once in a while with an episode here or there or a book there, but literally a program that could change your Life. It's called HPX Coaching. And you can go to hpxcoaching.com. until next time, my friends, please remember every single day, you can choose to be average or ordinary or just kind of go through the motions. Or you can be more intentional, more disciplined, more excellence driven what you do. Because you know you need to serve those you love and those that you lead. You can choose to be extraordinary. So, my friends, go out there today and be extraordinary.