How to Improve Your People Skills

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Hey, my friends, it's Brendon Burchard and welcome to the Brendan Show. This is a podcast about helping you reach high performance in your life, in every area of your life. It's about staying more motivated, more confident, more disciplined and on purpose. You know, the high performance experience is really about feeling more vibrant, more connected, more excellent, more fulfilled in your life. But it's also challenging you because you and I both know it's difficult to reach those levels of high performance without support, without ongoing commitment and dedication to your own personal development. So welcome to our HPX community. Thank you for joining us here on the Brendon Show. I'm super pumped for today's episode. Before we begin, I want to let you know that we have specials right now on our HPX nutrition line. If you didn't know it, I rolled out three specific products to help you with your performance. These are three specific supplements that will really give you the edge. Now, don't worry, I'm not starting an MLM or a downline. I'm not asking you to promote any of my products. And frankly, just like you, there's a lot of different companies and a lot of different products that I love and I enjoy and I'm not trying to compete with. It was specifically, I could not find three world class supplements that specifically helped me in these areas. So we've got HPX Optimize, which is a mental focus and energy product for your brain health. Then we've got Essentials, which is a functional multivitamin which we've basically enhanced for longevity, for joint health and for vitality and digestion. But what we did, instead of like making a multivitamin where they sprinkled a million different things in there that actually have no effect, we put in dosages here that you'll be amazed by. And then finally we've got HPX Organic Boost, which is the energy drink mix that I take because it's 100% organization organic. It's actually delicious too, I have to tell you that. So go check it out. Hpxwellness.com, everything you need to know is right there. And if you've ever wanted to know how to reach the high performance experience in terms of your biology and physiology, these products can really support you. Go to hpxwellness.com and without further ado, onto today's episode.

I always say, look, only two things change your life. Either something new comes in or something new comes from within. That's the magic of the people skills, right? We hope that some New strategy will do it. I'll give you some frames of reference that will help you. But ultimately, is your intention to be a person who adds value and be a person of virtue, to be good with other people Again, to put that back of mind, we've gotten to a society where it's so much like about, oh, wow, how do they make me feel? How do you know? How do I fit in? Do I get what I need? And we've just stopped focusing on those old ideals of service and doing good and being a good citizen and taking care of other people. That's why I tell millennials all the time, I said, stop asking if you fit in and start asking if you can help. How many follow? It's just like, I know belonging and all that is important, but I'm like, everyone's living their life for so many approvals versus, like, take the lens out and say, how can I lead? How can I serve here? That's how you grow. Ultimately, that's how you make the greater difference. And I know you all know that. So let's get into people skills. First and foremost, if you want to understand people, which is important, first and foremost, if you want to understand people, you should understand their enthusiasms. Let's say you're going to go talk to your kid about math. Don't think about math. Think about what energizes this child. What are they usually enthusiastic about? And how can I connect their usual enthusiasm to this situation? Let me ask that again. How can we connect their usual enthusiasm to this situation? So many people forget to do that in negotiations or sales. Find someone's enthusiasm and you find the gateway to all of influence. Find someone's enthusiasm and you find the gateway to all influence. What is it that engages and excites people? What is it that they see themselves in the future that they can get excited about? Because if you can connect there with them better, you will lead better, you will ask better questions, you will have more influence with them. Is this too much for Sunday afternoon? You guys are all here. All right, say I'm here. So I would say, start with their enthusiasms. You want to be good with people, start with their enthusiasms. Second thing, always understand people's expectations before you talk to that child about math. What are their expectations about their homework? What are their expectations about school? What are their expectations about their future? Like, you have to understand what they want to happen and also what they expect to happen. If you go into a situation, you know someone's enthusiasm, but you also know their expectations are quite low for themselves. You're going to change your approach to them if you know what their enthusiasm is. But they expect a lot for themselves. You just have to change your language and your approach to people based on what they expect is going to happen. Very simple. If everybody around you is expecting a disaster, you approach the situation than if everybody around you is expecting a success. How true is this? But even though this is common sense, it's not always common. Do you know how many Fortune 500 leaders have asked me to help with their all hand presentations, you know, before they go, before all of their employees to kick off a new strategic initiative? Right. And I get asked or brought in to help them with that process. And it's unbelievable how many people fail to contemplate how to meet their people, where their people are, especially new CEOs. New CEO comes in, they go, I've got these new initiatives, I've got these new ideas, I've got these other things. But based on the culture. Everyone's expecting disaster and they're speaking up here, but everyone's in disaster mode. Their expectations are low. You got to meet people where their expectations are before you can raise the expectations. Third, consider their education. How much knowledge or skill or exposure have they already had to what you're talking about, right? Talk to a 9 year old about math. You got to talk to a 9 year old about math. Very different than you talk to a high schooler about math. Unless you're in, you know, like the United States, because it's the same. We're not even in the top 30 school 30 in education for math worldwide. In the US it's embarrassing. Like our STEM scores to step on my soapbox for a minute, are really low. Science, technology, right, all that stuff. Math, we're terrible at that. In the US we're below most of the other developed countries in the world. And that's just too bad. But we have to understand that too. Now I know you guys, having so many of you have had continuing education in here, you understand the value of education. True. Yeah. That's why you're here. But never forget leaders, the others around you may have not had your educational experiences. So you have to contemplate, well, what's their exposure to this topic? Because often you're trying to meet people at levels of expertise they don't have yet and that's when you miscommunicate. Like sometimes you're talking over their head and you got to start with where they're at in terms of their exposure and education. Fourth, Effort. If I know what you've been putting effort towards in your life, I know you. If I know what you've been putting effort towards in your life, I know you. So how much has that kid given effort to their homework? How much have they given effort to in the past, their math homework?

Right.

I want to know all of this. Like where do they put their time and efforts? Because if I don't know that, I can't negotiate, I can't influence environment. If you know that kid who you're going to help math with is at home with an abusive parent, you change your approach. Raise your hand if you follow. So I often give this slide, literally an incredible amount of effort and work goes into this slide, helping usually major organizational leaders. Hey, before you talk to your people, before you start that initiative, before you try that moment of influence with that senior executive you're in trouble with or fighting with, before you have that conversation with that investor who you're upset with, sit down with this framework and think about it for 20 minutes. I won't even let them go into the negotiation without thinking through these things. Always think through these things. What happens is we bumble into situations and we count on our intuition to guide us through them. And that works. But not at the high performance levels, right? Often your first intuition with people is wrong. Often your first intuition with people is wrong because it's guided by stereotype and personal perspective. Right? I'm sure a lot of you read Kamen's book thinking fast, thinking slow. If you haven't put that on your thing, it's super hard. If you finish that book, you should get a certificate of completion. That is so hard. Have you read it? How many people have read that book? It's so hard, right? That one. I've. I read a book a week for 21 years of my life. A book a week minimum for 21 years, usually with three academic studies as well. So I usually read three academic papers and a book a week for 21 years. That's one of the hardest books I ever read. That's just like. It's kind of a little hard to get through, but it's powerful in teaching you. We all have these cognitive biases that usually tend to be out wrong. Our usual first glance is wrong. Now, your intuition is usually right in creativity and safety, right? If you feel someone's dangerous, get the hell out of there. You're right. Take that action.

Leave.

Right? If you have a creative impulse, follow it. See where it takes you. But in your judgments of other people or Your estimations of their capabilities. You're probably usually a little off, right? And so you want to make sure you take the time. This just brings intention into your social situations. People say, bren, why are you so good with the people you coach? I go, well. Cause I'm thinking before I hit, even get to them. I've already thought through all these pieces, so now I have the background I need. This is like your research. Salespeople in the room do not ever try to do a sale without knowing this stuff about people ever, ever. Before I do a sales video, I look at this slide and I do sales video that generates millions of dollars. And I sit there and I go, I'm obsessed about this kind of stuff because I know if I understand these and I can add language into my sales videos on the Internet that accounts for these things of my audience, I'll connect better. Raise your hand if you follow right? If I don't account for these things, they're like, I'm not. I don't get it. And that's why I really believe our videos really took off is because. Versus my peers who are just. I'm usually speaking my customer's language by knowing these things.

Hey, it's Brendan. I'm bopping in here real fast for you. To urge you to go to hpxwellness.com and check out our products to help you get more of that mental focus and energy you need to stay at your best, to deliver with excellence, to feel like, vibrant again. Because I know we all struggle with mental fatigue and mental focus. We all sometimes get tired and sometimes we're worried about our overall health. And So I created three specific products to help you with that. Go to hpxwellness.com, check out our nutrition line, and let's get you to high performance baby. HPX wellness dot com.

Okay, next up, how to persuade people? Okay, I get asked this all the time, Brenda. How do you persuade people? And I think first and foremost, you don't usually come from that frame of like, I'm going to persuade someone to go do something. But we all do have those real life experiences where we're trying to get people to believe in us, buy from us, invest in us, follow your mission, follow your purpose, invest in you, help you with that. Like you have that in your life all the time. So let's talk about the strategy of what we know to help you get better at it. The first thing, if you wanna persuade someone, anything, and I really want you to think about a situation in your life Right now, who's somebody you're trying to influence right now and persuade. Think about who that is and then let's go through the framework.

Okay.

First thing when you're trying to persuade somebody is to know the wins in any persuasive experience or situation. You wanna know what would be a win for you and what would be the win for them? Like how would they win? You always have to have that in mind. What are they looking for in the situation and how would they feel like they're winning? And if you don't know that, you're not really doing any persuasion. Right. When I get to work with high levels of government often. You ever see that story or that show Secretary of State and I can't remember her name? Taya Leone. You ever seen that show? Okay, great show. Like watch that to learn how she that character and based on many real life situations, by the way, is actually making sure the other person is winning. She's constantly negotiating and persuading by giving them wins, even when it's not the win they really want, but it's just enough to get the deal done right. So maybe if you're gonna watch a Netflix season, maybe watch that one. I'll grant you that one. How's that? We're all even know their wins. If you're gonna have a. If you're gonna ask your spouse to do something and you don't know their wins, you're probably not gonna be very successful. Second frame, the positive. Always begin the conversation on a positive foot. Positive statements. That's framing the positive. Okay. You don't go to your lover and say, I need to talk to you about all that stuff you did. That is not how to start the conversation. Right. I remember I was in a conflict in college. My roommate was a total stoner. Like total stoner. And I would always come back and I worked. So I was working three jobs. I come late, late at night. I'd come in and he and his friends would be around smoking pot, which is no problem. But then they'd be smoking pot and watching movies on my entertainment system that I'd like busted my butt to do. And there'd just be like, you know, doobies all over my stuff and like beer cans everywhere, which is no problem. But it was like always. They always ate so much food because they were so high. So my dorm room stank all of freshman year. And it just drove me crazy. But I was not a conflict person. And I happened to get to meet a person who's a peer mediator and he said, brendan, have you tried to get down? He's like, oh my God, I've like begged this guy, I've screamed to this guy, like, please just, I mean, throw the pizza boxes out so when I come home from a night shift I don't have to friggin smell this stuff, you know, just please do something. And he says, he's like, that's not going to work. He's like, you have to frame the positive here. He's like, you have to not go in and be like, oh, you know, the pizza box is, man, it's really disgusting and it's pissing me off, which is what I was doing because I didn't know how to frame the positive. And he said, what if you went in and said, hey man, can we talk about something? Are you enjoying living here? And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah. And this is. I really do this. Are you enjoying living? He goes, yeah, I love it here. I said, I like our room too. You like our room? He goes, I like our room. I said, do you think I do a good job, like being a roommate kind of stuff? And he's like, oh, yeah, man, you're never around. Thanks. I said, oh, okay, I appreciate that. I said, could we talk about something I think would make our room more awesome? And he's like, yeah. He's like, I've been thinking about getting like one of those fans in the thing that pulls in cool air, pushes out cool air in and out. Cause it's always stuffy in here. What do you think about that? He's like, I love it. He says, I'm gonna buy it. It's like 20 bucks. You wanna go like half in? He goes, yeah. I just got him collaborating he's half in with me on something I know he probably wants because I know he doesn't wanna get caught smoking pot in the room. And that window is his way from getting caught. He says, yeah. I said, all right, I'll tell ya, if I get the fan and tell you what, if I get the fan, would you agree to also just. If you have the pizza boxes, would you agree that you throw them out at night so when I come home, they're not here? And he goes, yeah, sure, sure, sure. I said, well, I know you said that before, so tell you what, you get one request from me. My request is a pizza box. What do you want? And he goes, oh, I'd like a call before you come home. A call before I come home? He goes, yeah. I go, you got it. I'll call before I come home. If the pizza boxes are out of the room, he goes, got it done. Never had a pizza box in the room the rest of our time. A whole year living together, never another pizza box in the room. Because he got some wins. And I didn't frame it confrontationally. I framed it. What can we do together? How many follow? If you're gonna have a fight with your. If you really have to bring something up with your spouse or your lover or partner when you go in, say, hey, honey, could. Could we talk about something? Sure. I know that, you know, we're. We're. We're sometimes not on the same page about some things and everything, but I just wanted to know. I. I really love you, and this isn't a setup. I really just want to let you know. And it knocks the humor into it. I really want you to know. I know we've been struggling with this, and we both want it to be a better situation. Is that true? Yeah. And we're both kind of frustrated with each other. I know I'm frustrated, and I can tell you frustrated. Is that true? Yeah. And now we're on the same page. We're both frustrated together, and we both want it to be better together. How many followers? That's the we story, not just the I'm angry story. I know we both want it to be better. That's how you frame the positive. We're going to work on something towards moving to better.

All right. Hey, it's Bren. I hope you enjoyed that episode, and I hope it helped you reach another level of high performance in your life, whether it's just a shift in your mindset or shift in your habits or a shift in your intention for the day. I really honor you for listening to the Brendon show, and I'm deeply thankful. So could you do me a favor? Could you just go onto itunes or Apple podcasts and rate and review this episode or any of our episodes? And also, while you're there to help me, just download the last five episodes, too, onto your phone because, you know, Apple really cares about the downloads and the rating and reviews, and I've never really asked for that in six years of podcasting.

And finally, my friends convinced me to.

Ask you to do that for me. I've never asked anything with my podcast community ever, but I really, really appreciate if you could do that. Also, if you would like some more in depth training, please don't forget that every single month I go live for two hours and teach new and original personal development. Research new frameworks to my entire virtual community in our HPX coaching program. And you can just go to hpxcoaching.com that's hpxcoaching.com to learn all about the different options there. But listen, I'm live two hours every single month with literally thousands of high achievers from around the world who tune in to get these new frameworks for reaching high performance in their life. Sometimes we talk about relationships, sometimes we talk about breaking bad habits. Sometimes we talk about achieving another level of confidence or discipline or goal attainment. But we are there every single month and I'd love for you to join us. Just go to hpxcoaching.com to see all of your options and really join us. Dedicate yourself to personal mastery. Dedicate yourself to this journey. Not just once in a while with an episode here or there or a book there, but literally a program that could change your Life. It's called HPX Coaching and you can go to hpxcoaching.com until next time, my friends, please remember every single day you can choose to be average or ordinary or just kind of go through the motions, or you can be more intentional, more disciplined, more excellence driven what you do because you know you need to serve those you love and those that you lead. You can choose to be extraordinary. So my friends, go out there today and be extraordinary.