How to Say I'm Sorry. (On Apologies and Forgiveness)
21 Jun 2014 · 15 min
In this episode of the Charged Light podcast, Brendon Burchard argues that genuine apology and forgiveness are not signs of weakness but demonstrations of personal and spiritual power. He explains that many people avoid apologizing because they fear loss of ego or being seen as wrong, yet apologizing is about acknowledging another person's feelings regardless of intent. Burchard emphasizes that an apology should be sincere, expressed without ego, and focused on the other person's well‑being, not on defending oneself. He also warns against getting drawn into the other person's emotional drama after apologizing, urging listeners to maintain integrity while not surrendering power. The discussion shifts to forgiveness, which Burchard frames as a personal, spiritual discipline that releases the forgiver from the weight of bitterness, independent of the offender’s actions or remorse. He describes forgiveness as a simple decision that does not require justification, approval, or rationalization, and highlights its health benefits—mental clarity, emotional freedom, and better relationships. Throughout, Burchard provides practical language for apologies, outlines how to handle chronic offenders, and stresses the importance of cultivating pure intentions so that fewer apologies are needed. The episode concludes with a call to practice these principles daily, encouraging listeners to let go of ego, apologize sincerely, and forgive for their own spiritual well‑being.
Chapters
Welcome to the Charged Light. This is Brandon Burchard. I believe that one of the great marks of personal power and spiritual power is the ability to apologize and to forgive. And often those things are seen for some reason, some weird, odd reason, as weak things, you know, oh, well, I don't want to apologize to her because that will make me look weak or, well, I'm not gonna forgive him because if I forgive him, then that gives him the power. And it's like, whoa. People have been thinking about apology and forgiveness in wrong ways for so long. That's why we have so many people who are pent up, angry, frustrated, and bitter around the world. I mean, do you have any bitter critter friends? You know, these people who are just like, bitter and angry all the time, but, you know, they're mad at other people, the injustices of the world, but then when they screw up, they. They can't even say, I'm sorry. I mean, does that drive you nuts? It's a lack of congruence. And I think the challenge is that so many people have never really taught. How do you think about these things? You know, should we apologize to people? Absolutely. If we do something that causes harm or hurts someone's feelings, even if it wasn't our intention, even if we think it wasn't a big deal. Because guess what? Apologizing has nothing to do with what we think is a big deal, no matter how smart we are about justifying why someone should not feel that way. Well, she shouldn't feel that way, so I'm not going to apologize. It doesn't matter if you think she should feel that way. If she feels that way, she feels that way. And because whatever action you did, whether it deserved to cause that emotion, if she is having that interaction or that feeling, we ought to say, I'm really sorry that you're having that experience. I didn't intend for that. But I apologize, and I want to let you know I want you to be happy. I want you to feel good. I want us to have a good relationship. It's turning that apology into a direct intention, a direct statement that we want things to be better. And yes, you say, well, I'm not going to apologize, because when I apologize, then they really hold me to the ground, you know, have you ever apologized to someone? They just won't accept the apology. They just kept getting meaner and meaner and meaner to you and make you defend yourself, defend yourself, defend yourself. Don't play that game, say, you know what? I don't know what else to say. I've totally apologized. I have really nothing else to say about the matter other than I just feel bad. I feel bad that you feel bad. None of us wants to feel bad, you know, but not let anyone drag you into their emotional drama either. To apologize with sincerity and strength, but not allow yourself to be drawn in to everyone else's negative emotions, you know, to allow yourself to apologize from a place of knowing it is. You're doing it with integrity because you don't want to cause harm or make anyone feel bad. To do that, but not allow yourself to give over your integrity. To allow someone now to make just browbeat you into submission, you know, into beating you into a place where you're just, like, you know, emotionally and spiritually completely taxed, where he's saying, okay, I'm not gonna apologize anymore. See, when we apologize, we don't have to give away our power. It's coming from a place of real power that allows us to apologize. Because when we were coming from a place of real, raw, emotional and spiritual power, we can apologize because there's no ego attached to it. Whatever dance is going to happen after we apologize, we're not going to be drawn into that dance of drama. See, part of the reason we don't apologize is because we fear it makes us look wrong. Even if we don't wouldn't say that or conceptualize that. We just feel like, oh, if I apologize, and that means I was wrong. But what if it has nothing to do with whether or not you are wrong or right, deserved or justified? What if it's so simple to apologize because it has nothing to do with your ego? I'll apologize all day long. Because nothing. Me apologizing or pointing out any flaws that I have or any mistakes that I have made does not diminish me as a person. It grows me as a person. It makes me stronger, more aware, more capable. Right? I want to learn when I mess up. So when someone says, you deserve you should apologize for that, I'm saying, okay, I apologize. There's no hook to it for me. I don't get angry about other people. Well, I don't need to apologize to you. Who the do you think you are? Nothing is served from that. Have no ego about these things. And it's so much easier to apologize because it's not about you. It's not about protecting your own mental turf. It's not about being right. I mean, most of the frustrations and. And the anger and bitterness we have to other people is because we Feel that we have to be so right and we are so powerful when we are right. It's like, really, just be a spiritual person and be open and allow warmth and love to flow through to you, especially to the people that you have hurt, you know, and just let it go. Let go that need to feel right or justified. And your life really does transform. You can literally feel thousands of pounds of baggage releasing from your shoulders the moment that you are spiritually free enough to apologize. When someone around you has been negatively impacted or took something negative and they felt bad, now some people just are going to feel bad all the time. So they'll be asking you for apologies all the time. Your job, limit your exposure to that person. You're like, what if I marry that person? Don't blame me. I didn't marry him. You married him. I think you have to have a greater sense of connection with other people to realize that if they're continually offended and continually hurt, to sit them down and say, I sense that you were always continually hurt. And there was always this thing, I can't do anything right. So what dialogue would we have to have? Or what behavior change would I have to have? Or what we have to have in this relationship so that you're not always hurt? Because if you're always going to be hurt, I'm always going to feel bad. And if I'm always going to feel bad and you're always going to feel bad, where could this relationship ever really go? So let's have an intentional conversation about what kind of relationship do we really want? Do you and I both want to continue drowning in our drama, or do we want to find out a new way that we can live and interact together? And if we can't figure out a new way to live and interact together in which we have true joy and openness and care and compassion and love and fun with each other, then we're not doing a good enough job together. And then we have to explore that, too. And sometimes there are people who just. They're not at the same conscious plane you are. And you don't say that from a place of ego. You just say it in recognition that they're still. Still on that plane of hurt, and they're not going to ever release that plane of hurt. Or maybe you have to be honest with them and have a conversation. Maybe they need true therapy. They need true help. I don't say that as a joke, by the way. I mean, some people, truly, they cannot resolve their own internal dramas as much as they try and you are not a therapist. Well, maybe you are, but I don't know. But your job is not to be a therapist to your loved ones. Your job is to facilitate that. If they need to go get some help, let them go get help. Champion that. Don't create stigma around it. Let them get some help to resolve their internal dramas that are creating all this negative energy, that are constantly creating bitterness and feuds between the two of you. Because that's. Your job, is to help. How can I guide this so that there's not as much hurt here? And if you do that well in your relationships, you find it so much easier to apologize when you do something. I. When someone feels bad around me, I immediately apologize because I know apology has nothing to do with me. It has to do with their ability to and their will and their need to release their bitterness. They're upset, and if all they need is a simple switch of an apology to release that upsetness in their life, I want to let them switch that thing all day long. You understand? It's not about you. It's about a need they need psychologically, a need they have psychologically to release from something. And the apology is the lever for that release. And I'm just like, I'll hand somebody a lever all day long. Doesn't bother me because it has nothing to do with me. Does that make sense? If your intentions are pure and your actions are done with true compassion and faith and love in other people, then you'll find suddenly you don't have to apologize that much because your actions are pure. Who you are is pure. You're doing good things for yourself first and foremost to have integrity and then for others. And because you do that, suddenly you don't make as many mistakes, you don't hurt people as often, and you just find yourself acting not in noble ways, but in ways that are true to your real spirit, which is coming from places of love and comparison, passion. Anyway, I think the second part of this and demonstrating real strength is also the ability on your side to forgive. If someone says, I'm sorry, you're like, I get it. You don't have to say you're not really sorry, and until they bleed, you won't forgive them. You know these people, don't you? Like, look, forgiveness should be so as simple as apology for you. Simple, right? Forgiveness has nothing to do with you. Just like apology might not have anything to do. It's not about ego, right? Forgiveness is not something mentally you need to construct in your head. It is a spiritual discipline because you know what? There's so many things going on at any given time that can be judged as wrong, as harsh, as terrible, as mean, as vindictive. And what we have to realize that could be. We could interpret everything that way, everything that way. Someone cuts you off in traffic, you freak out, and now you're going to chase them down and run off the road because you won't forgive them for five days. You're mad about that guy who cut you off. You know what? You're carrying bitterness and anger over a period of years that starts to wear on your face, it starts to show up in your body, it starts to slow you down in your progress in life because you start thinking people are bad. So you divide yourself from other people. And because you see other people are as bad, you don't collaborate as much. You don't ask for help. You don't believe in the power of a team to accomplish something. And suddenly you find yourself alone, bitter and alone, because you didn't have the spiritual wherewithal to forgive. Forgiving is so simple. It literally is a decision. No justification or cause has to happen. And forgiving does not have to do anything with accepting the other person's behavior, approving of it, justifying it, rationalizing it, or understanding it. It's just saying forgiveness is a personal power. Saying, I'm not gonna. You don't have to forgive them. You don't have to forgive their actions. It has nothing to do with them. Forgiveness has to do with. You're just gonna forgive the weight that you're carrying around about something that impacted you. Right? That's the way to look at it. It is a spiritual power that just dropping weight of negativity, of negative emotion and energy around you. Right? I can forgive so fast in my life because not because I'm so. Wow. Spiritual, it's because I'm practiced it so many times. I'm constantly. I'm like, wow, I'm kind of upset about that. Let me let that go. Because it's not going to serve my life. Let me let that go. Because if I don't, I can't sleep tonight. Let me let that go. Because if I don't, I feel heavy and angry. Let me let that go. Because when I'm upset or bitter, I don't have a good vision for my future. Let me let that go. Because if I carry it, I'm going to walk that into my next relationship with somebody I love or adore or care. Let me let that go. Because nothing is served by being angry. Nothing is served by being bitter. Nothing is served in a relationship by lording over something, over someone else's head. Nothing ever moves from that. There's no positive movement that comes in a relationship that has been broken without first forgiveness. It has to happen and it has to happen in a place where it's not about you. Do it just for your spirit. Let go of the ego and just forgive somebody. Not to approve of them, not to justify, not to rationalize. Like I said, just do it for your own mental and spiritual sanity, health and vibrancy. Just let it go. You need nothing more. Make a decision today that whatever is bothering you, just let it go. Let that challenge with that relationship. For now, just let it go and see how that feels. It will lighten the load. It will allow you to soar again. It will give you spirit back. It will allow an openness in the life again that never can happen there. When you're tugging at all this baggage on your shoulders that you chose to carry, maybe they threw a piece of baggage at you and you caught it, right? You caught it. Now you're angry. You know, all you gotta go is not gonna carry your stuff anymore. I forgive the situation. I forgive you only for my own mental sanity. That's personal power. That's how you feel free in life again. From apologizing people and from allowing forgiveness into your life. You feel free again. And when you feel free again now life is unbounded. It's beautiful. The colors return to the sky. I mean the whistle comes back to the work. And in metaphor, you need to justify doing this. You find it and let it go today. Apologize when you need to let it go every single time and suddenly you find yourself fully charged once again. Hey everyone, it's Brendan. Did you like this episode? Be sure to subscribe to the next one and tell a friend about us. If you want free books and world class training on motivation high performance, visit me@brennan burchard.com and enter your name and email for our newsletter list. Until next time. Stay charged and go out there every day of your life and live fully, love openly and make your difference.