Mashup: Simple Habits to Improve Your Relationships

I would argue that almost 90% of conflicts in relationships are actually not about who cleaned, you know, the kitchen. It's not about, you know, the finances or this kid didn't do that in the household. No, no. What it usually tends to be is a push and a pull between interdependence and independence, and the couple's not understanding that duality. Today we have a special session on the topic of improving your relationships. So if you are in an intimate relationship, you have a partner, you have a spouse, you have someone you're dating and you're trying to improve that or set that relationship up for great success, this is the topic we're taking on today in Growth Day, one of our most requested topics because clearly we've all learned over the last year and throughout the pandemic how difficult it was to have great relationships if suddenly now you're locked in the house with somebody or you had distance. How do you create a great relationship? Is something I think we all want. I'm always sharing with you all here in Growth Day that we all want greater aliveness. We all want more connection, we all want more meaningful pursuits, and we want more growth. And if you're going to grow in any area that brings you more vibrancy and fulfillment and life satisfaction over the long term, it is with your relationships. Now I've got a lot of fun to do today with you because in talking about relationships, I made sure not only to come at I'm going to share a couple different perspectives today. One, I'll definitely share the research, you know, if you know my work now, it's 25 years studying personal development in depth, including psychology, neuroscience, sociology, behavioral economics, the whole nine yards to understand what is it that helps people become higher performing and create greater wellbeing and relationships. That's what I do. Right. So a lot of research I'll share with you here today, but also kind of a little bit magical. Hopefully I'll share my own personal perspectives in dating, in relationship, in marriage. Also share with you things Denise's So for those who've been through Transformation Week or have ever taken some teaching and training from Denise and I, I asked her literally this morning for her list of most important practices that have kept us sane and happy for all these years. Going on 18 years. And just like anyone else, ups and downs, challenges in relationships, they are not easy. And so part of that is because you have a different perspective than your partner or your spouse. I also know with the worldwide community, some of you all aren't in a relationship right now, you just ended one and you're trying to debrief and learn and think of, okay, what's it going to be like next time? Or you're dating somebody right now and you're trying to see if you want to deepen that relationship, or maybe they're not the person some of you are. Like, dude, I don't want a relationship right now, but I'd sure like to know this stuff to help my friends. So I'm always telling what to do over coffee. So wherever you're at, I'm going to make some assumptions, say, because this is a, this is literally a seminar on how to improve your intimate relationship. I'm going to use the terms partner or spouse a lot today. I'll kind of default to partner because maybe that partner someone you're dating and you're deep in that relationship you're just starting, or it might be a spouse that you're with and maybe you like them or you're trying to improve it. Wherever you're at, it's okay. I've had ups and downs in my relationships my whole life. I know it is not an easy thing. I'm not here to preach to you. I'm here to say this is such an important area of your life. Get this better and everything gets better, right? You know that when your partner, your spouse, your significant other, when they are happy and fulfilled and you are happy and fulfilled, there's a greater flow and magic of energy and love between you. And so it's always about, okay, let me own my stuff and let me help this person in my relationship. Let me support them and cheer them on too. And so I'm going to share two different perspectives. I'm going to start with one that is kind of the double sided coin that makes relationships so hard. And that is simple rules that you already know, right? And I hope today a lot of what I share is common sense and. But we all know it's not always common practice. And that's why so many relationships fall apart. So simple. One, first double sided coin. We all know these two rules, right? One is put the relationship first, right? We all heard that before. And this is Denise's. I'm going to combine two of hers together right here. One is put the relationship first. But the flip side of that coin is you must grow and be independent and be striving to be your best in and outside of the relationship. Otherwise, if you aren't growing, the relationship becomes stagnant. And so it's interesting that's that interdependence independence thing that makes all these relationships so dang hard, right? Is because, yes, you want to pour yourself into your partner and your spouse and support them and cheer them on and make decisions just for the relationship. And we all have the individual spirit that wants to manifest and reach our own full potential. And how do we do those two things in union and alignment. We talk a lot about that today. Our first teaching today is that simple understanding. There's two sides of a coin in relationship. There's relationship first, and there is grow and. And reach your potential independently as well. That interdependence, independence, you must recognize the push and the pull of that and be attentive to that at all times to have a great relationship. I would argue that almost 90% of conflicts in relationships are actually not about who cleaned the kitchen. It's not about the finances or this kid didn't do that. And that household. No, no. What it usually tends to be is a push and a pull between interdependence and independence and the couples not understanding that duality and not mitigating for that duality. And so one person's like, relationship first, we should do everything together. We should be on the same page. It should be perfect together. And relationship first also, though, means, hey, when you're making decisions about your life, make it please. In the context that we have chosen to live life together, who's ever had a relationship where the person was completely oblivious to this idea of make the relationship first. Right? It was probably miserable for you. It was like, this person doesn't prioritize us. And I believe that one thing has really helped us, me and Denise, in our relationship, and is honestly, she defaults to that. She is so good and bringing me back to that, too, that it's about us. We plan together. We have to have the journey together. Don't just go do these things. Think about how does that impact us, our life, our family? And she's really just good at that. And I believe that's what has taught me to be a better man. I hope in the relationship. We've gotten more and more years into our relationship together. I think that that is really powerful. How do you put your relationship first? You always make decisions within the context of realizing you're in a relationship together. Like, obvious, right? And it doesn't mean you can't have independent decisions. It means those decisions still take place in understanding the effects and. And the consequences of your actions within the relationship. When we forget there's consequences of our actions within A relationship, the relationship inevitably becomes something separate than us. And when this relationship is separate than us, they feel a separatedness. And the more your partner feels a separateness in the relationship, the more that relationship struggles. This is why you hear people say, make decisions together, plan together, know what you're both working on together. That's the idea of relationship first. It's all right, I have a life partner. That means I do life with my partner. So when I plan things in my life, I think about my partner. And that simple reminder, I know not all of you need, but you've been in relationships where that was not true. And if you have been, you know what I'm talking about. In that separateness, you don't feel like you really know the person or you feel like they don't value your opinion. You feel like they are living their own life and they don't care about you or the effect on your family. And so it's so important for us to always remember. All right. When I think about relationships, I always think about the coin. I call it the coin. Interdependence, independence, relationship first. Okay, got it. And the opposite side, which so many people naturally gravitate towards and know. Especially if you're in a growth day community like this, which is you must continue improving yourself and fulfilling yourself if that relationship is going to come into a true, deep, meaningful, fulfilling relationship. Right. If you're stagnant, don't get mad that the relationship is stagnant. If your partner is stagnant, meaning they're not growing, they're not stretching themselves, they're not trying to learn about their mindset or their effect of energy on other people or to become more productive towards meaningful pursuits that matter to them. Well, then what happens? It's like you're growing and you're extending, but they are not. Who's ever been there? That's super hard. Now the challenge is you can't. If relationship first is one side of that coin and growing is the other, and you happen to be the person on that coin, you're growing and you don't sense that they are because relationships are first, you also cannot be bitter towards them, hate them, be jaded about it, because there's probably been points in your life where you weren't growing at your potential either. And what is the thing between, like, what is the material? I call it between the coin, interdependence and independence. What's the material? Right. If you have a penny, you know that the material is copper. Right? In between. Right. What is what is the in between? Here's my philosophy. The in between. The stuff of the coin is called grace. Grace. If two people are going to come together and it's going to work out, there's got to be grace between them. Grace when you're growing and they're not. Grace when they're growing and you're not. Grace when they're struggling and you're doing great. Grace when you fall a little bit away from each other. And without that, it's really hard to keep that coin unified and valuable, if you will. And so I want to begin today with a simple idea. I know after teaching about relationships, literally for 15 years, and I've been blessed to coach some of the highest level couples in the business world and some of the highest level Olympic couples. I mean, I work with couples in every possible scenario that you can imagine, from new parents, to people who have chosen not to have children, to people who are just trying to finally create depth and meaningfulness in a new relationship. I can share you 15 years of coaching. You have to imagine every conversation or every other conversation brings up a relationship that somebody is in. And what I have seen over and over and over again when either teaching or coaching on relationships is your or the listener or the student's immediate impulse to judge the other person. So as I'm teaching today, it's very easy. Ugh. My husband, he's like this. My wife, she's like that. And you're immediate, like, soon as I start teaching about something, you immediately cast the other person as the wrongdoer. And if we're going to explore relationships today, no. The material in between interdependence and independence is not wrongdoer. It's grace. If you want the relationship to improve, if you want the relationship to deepen, if you want that thing to feel better, no bitterness here, no judgment here. I always say judge less, feel better. Okay, let's not judge our partners or spouses here. Let's educate, let's learn, let's explore how we think you can't control them. Maybe you're lucky and they're watching with you, and some of you are doing that. That's great. But if your partner or spouse isn't here with you right now, don't make this a judge session on them. Even if you're in turmoil, even if they feel separate, even if you're fighting, I want you instead to say, let me explore my relationships with openness and grace. Let me be accountable for my stuff, think through my stuff, and not make this a Session of they're bad and they're the wrongdoer. Because I promise you, as soon as you make your partner or spouse the wrongdoer, life gets hard, that relationship struggles. And so I want to start with laying this idea onto you of the coin. Interdependence, independence, relationship first grow so you don't stagnate. And as you have that difficult duality sometimes in between, what makes a relationship work is grace. That means understanding, compassion, forgiveness, openness to the other and their life amid your relationship. I hope that helps. That's the first idea. The coin. The coin, man, the coin. Second big idea. And this is what you know, I'll come into this perspective of the first thing I would say to someone once they get that, which you always keep front of, mind you, in a relationship, you are co creating the future together. When relationship gets difficult, what happens is we are judging the past or we are feeling upset about the current thing. And what happens is sometimes in relationships, they took the eye off the ball that, oh, we're building a life together. We are co creating a future in which we are both happy, fulfilled, cared for, loved, excited. It won't be perfect, but it will be better than today. That is what we are doing. We are building our ideal future today. Even when it sucked today. Because the kids did this all over the house and this finance situation over here, and I am having this trouble and she doesn't understand or he doesn't understand. And you're in that place where they don't get it. Oh, my God. Okay, this is a time to reorient and like, oh, right, I'm not here to be angry about the past. I'm not here to be, you know, upset about right now. It's like, oh, we're on a project together building the future. You know, so funny how people sometimes have some complete behavior that is different at work than at home. And obviously these are two different things. But so many people, if they're at work and they're working on a project, they have to deliver something amazing to a client, right? They collaborate. If there's a problem, they solve it. They move on. And it's kind of like, solve, move on, solve, move on. Because what are we trying to do? We're trying to deliver this thing. You're trying to deliver a future for you and your family together. You're trying to co create something that is better and more beautiful than you could even imagine now. You know, I've been very lucky to do hospice work in my life and be with people and their families at the end of their lives. And you and I both know that in those moments, towards the end, relationships really matter. And I've been with couples in those last days and moments. And the beauty of a couple that has built a good life together in those last moments, it's incomparable. The solace, the peace, the reverence for life that happens when a couple built a good life together and they get to be together or support each other in their last weeks or months or years of life. It's really an incredible sight to behold. It's very humbling. It's very humbling. It was always a reminder to me they built a good life. So at the end, they're handling this well. They feel fulfilled and grateful to have had each other. It's a beautiful. It's really. If you haven't been with people towards the end, it's super hard to explain because it's so magical. It's also so rare because very few people remember, oh, we're building this life together. You know, I've officiated some weddings with some friends, and oh, my gosh, I've been to so many weddings I can't even count. And I always try to think about the couple in the future. What are they going to be like? What do they desire? What's the win for them on either side of that coin? What does it look like in the future? Maybe today, if you've been struggling in a relationship or you came out of one and things just weren't good, maybe today is that day you go into your journal and growth day, and you actually spend 20 minutes, 30 minutes an hour writing about what would be that future relationship that you want or you're willing to create with your partner, your spouse, or somebody new in the future, what does that look like? Because you're co creating the future together. That's so powerful. You know, I think of some of my favorite times in my relationship with Denise, and it would be times when we were, you know, we were working, you know, we had separate careers, but we were like on the same page because we're gonna go, you know, buy this dream house, and she's gonna design it, and I'm gonna, you know, do these parts, and we're gonna take on this project together to move somewhere or to start this thing or to open this business or to try this new adventure. And it's like this future. Or maybe you have that in your own life, in your spouse, your partner. When you go on vacation and you plan the vacation a little bit together and you both kind of get excited about it together because having a compelling future about your relationship, that opens the heart when you see nothing but a dead end and an awful day again tomorrow and the next day and the month after that. You and I both know how bad that feels. And so we must, no matter how difficult it is, reorient ourselves to an idyllic future together and do the hard work to get there. It's not just about co creating the future though. My related point here is we're co creating the future and we are co creating energy together. One of my favorite questions in mediation so mediation usually means in my world that there's two partners or two parties and they're fighting and they can't resolve their stuff. So I'm brought in to help them work through stuff, right? And I spent a lot of my college years and grad school years doing this. And so I would see all these examples of where people were really they thought they were fighting about content, but the really issue was it was the process and the energy that they were fighting about. It wasn't about the kids or the finances or that thing she did or he did. It was really about the energy they were feeling then. So I would always love to ask them My first couple questions to a couple is tell me about the energy you two create together when you are alone. What is the energy of the house when you are on a trip? What's the energy between you when you're out with friends? What's the energy? And inevitably if the relationship Listen to this so closely. If the relationship is in a tough place, one person is blaming the other for that energy, not realizing. In relationships, energy is co created hey guys, it's Brandon. I'm jumping in here real quick. First I want to make sure you've gone to progressmode.com to join the newsletter because I have a resource for you related to this episode and I have an upcoming meetup with my private group, Ultra. If you've ever liked to be in a private group with me where I help you get more progress towards your passion projects or to build your business or your brand in a bigger way, just go to progressmo.com, click on Private Group to apply to. See you can get into Ultra and we can take it to the next level by getting in person and meeting up virtually once a month online as well. Just go to progressmode.com we're just trying to win the day. We're just trying to win the day when it's A struggle. We just want to get through the day. We just want to survive. We want to make sure the kids don't tear each other's arms off. We want to make sure that we got some food in the fridge. We want to make sure the business isn't falling apart. We want to do all we can to care for other people. And however, I want you to recognize a couple concepts today I'm going to teach you about and you need to always be highly alert to them to have a conscious and deliberate and high performing life. I really want you to get this, I really want you to tune into these distinctions because I want you to check in right now, I want you to check in where you're at and then we're going to build towards the future. This first idea, when you go into protection, when you go into caretaking, when you go into managing the energy of everybody else and just hoping to make it through the day, what happens is enough days of that and disconnection from the future, this dichotomy starts happening. This challenge, this thing here, dread versus excitement. Even great leaders can start to feel dread about the day. Oh, now I'm going to have to go manage more complaints from other people. Ugh. I'm going to have to manage the attitude of my snarky husband. Ugh. I'm going to have to deal with that grumpy person over here. Ugh. I got to answer all those emails. Ugh. So even in the context of abundance, joy, the good positive energy you can have, when every day can start to feel a little Groundhog Day, it can start to feel like dread. Even Bill Murray, one of the most fun people on the planet in Groundhog's Day, starts to have dread. And I want you to be attentive to your energy. Over these last seven days, how many days did you feel a little bit of dread? And I want to share with you. It's okay, because you might not have been aware of that dread. It's not about your life. The dread is not about the kids. It's not about the husband. The dread is not about your health. The dread that comes, that existential dilemma that comes in in times of turmoil is actually not anything happening right now. It's a disconnection from the future. Sometimes we get it wrong. We think everything around us is wrong. Actually we just don't have a connection. We don't have something to be excited about when we don't have something to be excited about when we don't have that compelling future. That thing to look forward to that thing, to celebrate that thing, to be excited about the week. The day feels like a slog. Even when it's good. Even when it's good. You got a good husband, you got a good job, you got some money coming from the business, you got good opportunities. But in times of crisis, when it feels like a slogan, when there's dread there, it's not that the opportunities are the husband or the kids or the house is wrong. Sometimes you lost connection with what to look forward to. And that was the missing thing. That was the piece of psychology. I mean, I know because I've talked with many of you, I know that sometimes you're just dealing with the stuff right now. And so how are we going to win the year? Today's a pivot. Today you are going to design back into your weeks, back into your months, and back by the end of this year, you are going to design into your days on purpose, visualization of the future every day. Visualization of the future every single day. Just as you might meditate every day. I want to turn that into a purposeful, deliberate visualization of something that you are excited about, you are thrilled about, you can't wait to happen. I don't care if it is next week. I don't care if it is a big thing or a small thing. I don't care if it is December 31, 2020. We've got to find those things, and we need more of them than you have been granting yourself in the last 60 days. Many of you have not granted yourself anything to be excited about in the last 60 days. It was more like, God, I got to figure out how to work out here now at home. That kind of sucks. And, oh, I got to figure out this homeschool thing that kind of sucks. And I got to figure out how to deal with this grumpy spouse that kind of sucks. And there's all this. There's this. That's life. You know, you're dealing with these things. You're like, ah. And dread. We need to build in excitement. We need to build in anticipation, optimism, thrill, adventure. We need to build those things back in. That's how you are going to win this year. You are going to make a pivot right now to institute a new protocol of daily connection with the future. That is your new protocol. Daily connection. Not just listen. This is different than just writing a goal down. No, I want you to see it, feel it, think about it, dream it, visualize it, see it, and build in every single day or week or Month, the win, the reward, that thing to celebrate these conversations of anticipation, it's got to be built in and listen, I know the mistake. Sometimes we go, well, Brendon, let's wait and see how things turn out. Oh yeah, okay. I like this idea, Brendan. Let me plan for October. Let me plan for November. No, this week, the next seven days was something you can look forward to and no, wait for it to hopefully happen. Build it in. You got to build in the rewards, the vibrancy, the adventure, the fulfillment, the daily connection of conversation with your spouse, with your partner about something coming up even in moments of delay. I'll give another simple example. When we came to Puerto Rico, my dream, as many of you guys know, I know some of you knew the community but since I was a teenager, I wanted to live in the Caribbean. I had that dream of living on a white sandy beach with some palm trees, riding, overlooking the ocean, taking daily walks on the beach, running on the beach, swimming in the ocean. I wanted that my whole life. I thought maybe one day I'll get to a point, then I'll retire down the Caribbean somewhere, you know, because I thought you had to leave the country and I thought you had to go down there. It's like, you know, well, Puerto Rico is a US territory so we didn't have to give up a passport. We still under the same federal guidelines and laws. And I thought, okay, you know what, I came down here, I fell in love with the place. Well, we've been down here for two years and we've been trying to figure out, well, where do we live, what's our vibe and what do we want. Long story short, there was a new development being built and Denise and I decided, okay, let's get on that. It was new construction, it was a new building going to be built. And so we purchased and as you can imagine, it takes a long time to get things done in the Caribbean. And so we've been waiting and then the pandemic hits. And in the meantime we've been renting places, trying to figure out where we're going to live and waiting for this new construction to finish. Well, of course construction completely comes to a halt on non essential things like new construction down here. And so for the last 60 plus days there's been no construction on our future home. And so it's like we're not living where we want and we're just kind of, you know, we're waiting it out. And yet instead of having that as a sense of dread, Denise goes into, oh, planning Mode. Now, we don't know when we're going to get there, but we can still plan. So she's already designed every single room. She's already shown me the layouts and everything been still moving forward the pieces that you can, ordering this, getting that light, getting that fan, doing things and same thing. Listen, how many of you had a trip or vacation cancel anyone? You had something you were looking forward to, you had to cancel it. You know, we were looking forward to going to a certain foreign country this year and had to cancel. But guess what? We can still go. Okay, we don't know we're going to do that in September. Now is that going to happen October? We don't have a date, but guess what we can still do well, when we get there. What are we going to do when we get there? So we're still researching. What are the cool activities we'll do when we go there? What are the adventures we'll have when we go there? Who might we get to invite when we go there? We don't know the date, but the trip is visual. It's real. We know things we're going to do there. And that is a post into the future that we can look forward to. Talk, discuss, dream of. It can be that simple. It can be that simple. It can be a place you're going to go, a family outing. But here's what I want to know. Listen, the difference between what I'm talking about, this is not hope and inspiration. This is coaching you to sit down today with a calendar and every single week, build something in that you can look forward to and talk to with your spouse, your partner, your family, your team. Build it in, talk about it, discuss it, get excited about it. That's what you got to do. It's tactical. It's every day I want you to sit there. You know, for me, it's when I wake up in the morning. When I wake up in the morning, I lay in bed for an extra couple minutes and I just visualize and think about things I'm excited about, think about the future, think about things. I don't even know how it's going to happen. You know, we're working on a documentary. I have no idea when that's going to get done, no idea when it's going to come out. But I sit there and I imagine scenes that might be in it, conversations might be in it, places we might air it. Just sit and dream about it. I don't get attached to, does it turn out exactly as how I want it no, no, no. That's called flexibility, babes. That's adaptability, my friends. That's your ability as a high performer to pivot, to make things happen, to manifest. You can do that. But manifestation comes after visualization. And if you're not manifesting what you're wanting and if you're not manifesting the energy that you want in your life, I promise there's a disconnection with the future. And it's not because the future doesn't hold promises for you. It's because you haven't made the plans for the future because you're scared they won't come true. I want you to visualize a bigger future for yourself than you ever have before. Not because it's disconnected of the reality of the pandemic right now, but because you have a choice. And it's right here on this card. If you're going through the motions, dread will be there. If you're not visualizing the future, dread will be there. Even if you have good things in the world and you got to do them every single day, dread will be there. But if you build in excitement and you got to figure out what that means for you, psychologically, you got to figure out what that means for you, your family, your spouse, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, you got to know the answers. I don't know the answers. My job as your coach is give you that prompt, beg you, cajole you, cheer you on, give you that impetus to say, ooh, how do I build excitement back in? Because, dang it, I've been in too much protection zone. Brendon, you're dang right. I've been a little bit myopic, focused right now to handle things, which is good. But listen, I talked to a friend last night who lost everything, laid off 30 employees, been building his dream for 17 plus years. Lost the business. Lost the business. In this. The dread was there. The dread was there. It was real. Day before that dear friend of mine lost a family member to coronavirus. The dread was there. The grief was there. Both people had to cope. Both people had that feeling of, oh, my gosh. So when I talk about visualization manifestations and hopes and dreams, I don't do it. Disconnected from reality. I say if we don't touch base with that future, if we can't see ourselves moving on when we lose family, if we can't see ourselves rebuilding, if we can't see ourselves with a better future, then what's it going to feel like? And who owns the fact that it feels like that because we have that choice, we sometimes we just forget the choice and we forget the ability to build that excitement in. To build that in. Because even in the person who lost family members, they could start thinking about, how are we going to honor this person when things come around, when we can get together to celebrate this person's life? How are we going to get together to celebrate this person's life? Let's do that. Let's get together and celebrate this person's life. How can we build things, create things, share things together to celebrate this person's life? Oh, I lost my job. Oh, I lost my business. Okay, what can I be excited about starting anew because now there's all this white space. What can I learn? I wanted to learn these things for years. I've wanted to do these specific things. And let me try them now. Let me get excited about those things. I'm not saying that the loss isn't there. And I'm not saying detach from the loss, be unaware, try to stuff it down. I'm saying that can be there and excitement and adventure and joy. The human being is capable of holding extraordinary amounts of emotion, extraordinary ability to expand and feel like there's this myth that you can't be, you know, angry and grateful at the same time. I'm like, oh, that person has never studied emotion ever. Ever. That's not true. It's not true. It's a nice thought. And it reminds us of a dichotomy, of a choice that we get to make. But we can simultaneous emotions and feelings because they do linger. Sure you can. Absolutely. I can be grateful that I had my father and mad in the same instant that he's dead, sad that he's gone. I can be grateful for an opportunity and sad that I'm not capable ready for it yet. It's okay. We are immense inside. What I am saying is it is okay if you feel vulnerable or sad or lost or you are struggling with capability and coping. And that is also, though, why I encourage you to build in those touch points with the future. There is no way, not a single one of you, that I could not emphasize this enough with. I could do four more hours on this topic. But the most important thing I can share with you right now is your reorientation must shift now back to the future.