In this video Brendon Burchard reveals that the single most important factor behind couples who have been married 40 years or more and remain happy is respect, followed by communication. He explains how respect is often broken in subtle, everyday ways—condescending remarks, interrupting, failing to keep promises, or judging a partner’s feelings. Burchard introduces a simple self‑assessment scoring system (1‑10) for how actively and consciously one demonstrates respect, encouraging viewers to aim for a 10. He shares practical tactics such as publicly verbalizing specific respect statements about one’s spouse, writing down important people and noting how you respect them, and making respect a deliberate goal before meetings. The talk emphasizes that each partner may feel disrespected by different triggers, so understanding those personal cues is crucial. He stresses that integrity—doing what you say you’ll do—and active listening with reflective feedback are core behaviors that signal respect. When respect is lost, the path to regaining it involves honoring commitments, being kind and thoughtful, and ensuring the other person feels heard. Throughout, Burchard’s tone is motivational and instructional, urging viewers to make respect an explicit, daily practice to strengthen relationships.
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The greatest secret of couples married 40 years or longer still reporting to be happy, the number one thing they said was respect. Number two is communication. Respect is a difficult one because, listen, that last time you were condescending with your spouse, that wasn't respect. The last time you judged their feelings as stupid, that wasn't respect. The last time you interrupted them when they were really trying to share something or explain something, that was not respect. That last time you said you would do something, but you didn't do it, that wasn't respect. We break respect in these subtle little ways so often. So here's a simple scoring mechanism. And again, this might be a punch in the gut for some, but it's so helpful. One to ten. One, you have not been demonstrating respect actively and consciously. All 10. You actually think about it. How can I demonstrate respect to this person? And you think about it actively and consciously. That's a 10. That's like, wow, you're amazing. Okay. One, you don't even think about it. You're just going through the motions or being disrespectful. Ten, it's like, on your agenda to demonstrate respect. I'll give an example. You know, sometimes my wife and I will go out and we'll see other. We'll be with a couple or we'll see other people, and I make it a goal. I literally make demonstrating respect to my wife and of my wife a goal. So as we go to sit down, I'm like, okay, we're all together as friends or we're meeting these two people. I'll say, I want them to know that I respect my wife. So I will say things to her or give a level of appreciation to her verbally that people hear, and they're like, wow, he really loves his wife. But I'll often use the word literally with her respect. Honey, I respect how hard you have worked to make an amazing relationship with us. And I'll say that to her in front of other people. Honey, I respect how hard you work. Honey, I respect how caring you are. Honey, I respect and appreciate all the help you give. Honey, I respect how brave you are. I respect how courageous you are. I respect how giving you are. I respect how thoughtful you are. You're the most thoughtful person. Write down the five most important people in your life, or 10 or 15, however you want. Write down the most important people in your life and score yourself. Have you been demonstrating respect? One is no. 10 is yes. But then what I love you do is just scratch out real fast. Just write what's something you do respect about them, that you could communicate and tell them. That's what I mean by that. Like demonstrating respect. I didn't ask you to have respect of them. I said demonstrate it to them. Demonstrate your respect for other people. Demonstrate. I tell myself this before almost every major meeting I have. I say respect the people in this room. Respect the people in this room. Something my dad taught me. Respect other people. So I try to actually verbalize it. I try to communicate it. I try to do things that show it. And if you were one of my friends and you knew me, none of my friends or none of my family questions whether or not I respect them. Everyone knows it. If you're in my inner circle and I have respect, you know it. You know it. Now, here's the issue. The funny thing is this new generation, and when I say new generation, I.
Mean people alive today.
I don't mean millennials or generation X or Y or whatever. I mean, if you're alive today, respect is not a word that's actually used that often. People prefer other words that are easier. And that's nice. And yet that's why there's no depth in the relationship. You know, there's lots of other things that we could say that we want. You know, even. Oh, look, look, even Odile said. She said, I like, I appreciate better than I respect. I understand that, and that's a good thing. But respect is something that they need demonstrated. And said all people, like, I understand that. That might be your approach. Like I like. But appreciation is just one form of respect. And I think that we need to put that word back in front of us again. We need to make it a goal. Make that a goal, make demonstrating respect a goal. So maybe something. What could you do for your spouse or someone that you love to show your respect for them or to explain to them the. That you respect their work, their effort, their values, their heart, their commitment. My wife, she knows I respect her, like, more than any other person alive. There's no question. There's no lack of respect ever in our relationship, even when we have fights. And we're going to talk about that later, because the number one way to quickly make a conflict be worse is do something so that the other person feels like you don't respect them. When respect is gone, there's almost nothing else you can do. You can placate, you can say nice things, you can write them a gratitude note, but if they don't feel respected, that's trouble. So how do you demonstrate respect to your spouse? First, you speak respectfully of your spouse to other people in a way that when your spouse can see it, like, literally say the words, I really respect my wife's heart, her giving, her thoughtfulness, her care. Like, say the words, I respect this person for these reasons. And say it around other people. So the person's like, wow, that was so nice of you. That was so kind of. You also know how your partner feels disrespected. I'll give an example here. Like, because it's different, right? The way I feel disrespected is not the same way my wife feels disrespected, right? For me, I feel disrespected. If I am sharing something, I'm right in the middle of, like, passionate sharing, and someone interrupts something and they interrupt and it's something that's kind of unrelated and it's not, like, in line with what I'm sharing about passionately. So I feel interrupted and kind of like, from a tangent, I feel disrespected. Now, I know many of you are going to say, brendan, take it easy, man. You don't feel disrespected about that. But that's my immediate impulse. It doesn't mean I freak out about it or go crazy. I'm just saying that to me, it's not a show of respect. Show respect is cheering it on or jumping in the conversation or aligning with it and, like, creating something together. Now, for Denise, she's. I mean, that's not a big deal to her. She's happy to jump in in any conversation. So we have different ways. Another way of respect, as I said before, is absolutely making sure that if you say you're going to do it, you do it. That is integrity. That is congruence. I'm defining it here as respect to your partner. If you promised your partner something, show up, said you're going to do it, do it, promise to be there at that time, get there on that time. It's not that we don't all struggle with those things, but you being congruent with what you promise is a real big thing, right? Someone asked Tara asked, how do you get respect back if you feel that it's been lost? You start number one by honoring your commitments. If you say you're going to like the way to get someone's respect back, be kind and thoughtful towards them and do what you say you're going to do, that's how you get it back, how you win respect from another person. You do what you say you're going to do. You show up. When you say you're going to show up and you're generous, kind or thoughtful towards them, they will feel respected. Also, the way that people feel respected is to be heard. So learning to reflect back what they are saying to you and accurately. And I really work on this one. It's like learning to like if Denise says something, I listen to the words with precision of what she says and I reflect those words back. Not my words, not my take what she said. Because when people feel that's big. When people feel like you say, oh yeah, he heard what I said, they feel respected. So you got to work on that one too. And listening to other people, being thoughtful towards other people, doing what you say, all those things are so obvious. And that's why I say make demonstrating respect the goal.
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