The Most Important Boundary You Need to Set Today

The most important boundaries you're ever going to set in your life are with yourself and what is acceptable with who you are. What is acceptable in how you conduct yourself. A boundary between the good self and the not so good self. A boundary between. Between the higher level of who you are versus the lower impulses. A boundary in your own sense of what is right and wrong and what you allow yourself. This is going to be one of those sessions where you go, got it. That the reason we do personal development, it's ultimately all about new ways of accessing self awareness, isn't it? That when we hear new ideas and personal development, maybe just a sweat, like a slight change in how we think about something or how we think about ourselves, life can change. Just one little subtle shift in how we think about a topic, in how we approach something in our life. Those subtle shifts can make a big difference. And this topic today is that we're talking about setting boundaries. I'm going to talk about how to think about this topic of boundaries. So we're going to be talking about on boundaries all day long. And I think you're going to be really amazed in the simple hour of how much you're going to cover and learn today in your own self awareness. In a way you probably haven't thought about boundaries before. Because what most people do when I say, you know, the topic of setting boundaries, they immediately think of like, I need to set boundaries with my family, I need to set boundaries with this jerk in my life. I need to set boundaries with. By the way, we'll talk about those things, but I'm going to elevate the conversation for you, if you'll forgive me. Go a little more advanced on this topic because I think that's the Power of Growth day. It is not only just hearing the common sense things, but maybe hearing a little more advanced approach to these topics. And I think that is the promise of today. So thank you for being here. Let's do some personal development work. We are talking about boundaries today. And here is how I am going to start with this. The most important boundaries you are ever going to set in your life are with yourself and what is acceptable with who you are. What is acceptable in how you conduct yourself. A boundary between the good self and the not so good self. A boundary between the higher level of who you are versus the lower impulses. A boundary in your own sense of what is right and wrong and what you allow yourself. In other words, we're going to go into the conversation of standards that we allow in Ourselves and in our lives. And I think when you think about a boundary, not just something between you and another person, but in your own mindset about what is allowed or not allowed. I think this could be a game changing conversation today and I'm going to jump right into it because I don't want to speak conceptually for you here. So let me talk about some important boundaries in your life. I will talk about three huge internal boundaries. Then we will talk about the standards that we allow in our life that may be really hurting us or accelerating us. The boundary of the fake self versus the real self. See this boundary and what you allow here and how you conduct yourself here. It matters, doesn't it? When I talk about setting boundaries, Very few people ever think about this one. Because when we talk about setting boundaries, we often feel victim to something. We feel like, oh well, someone's encroaching on my boundaries, we'll talk about that. But this is the one that causes the real damage. When we blur the lines between who we authentically really are and how we are showing up to please or placate or others to minimize ourselves. That's the boundary. How much do you cross this boundary? You want to talk about the quality of your life? How much do you cross this boundary right here? Think about this. How much, how often do you cross this boundary that can be the game changer in your life today when you become aware of these two selves that we all have. The authentic, the real, the vibrant self versus the face, the facade, the person we try to be for others. It's not really us. When we step outside of ourselves into a Persona of somebody else to please others, to fit in, to belong, to get love. This is the ultimate boundary that breaks our own integrity. This is the boundary that makes us miserable. And you have to decide at some point in your personal development that you don't cross this boundary as much anymore and at someday not at all. And that is the ultimate work of personal development, isn't it? How easy it is to glide into conformity, to go from who we really are to suddenly acting out of character. I really believe breaking this boundary leads to most of the long term miseries in our life. Let me say it again. Breaking this boundary leads to most of the long term miseries in our life when we aren't honest about our real thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, hopes, aspirations. And instead we show up just to please others and to fit in. We minimize ourselves. We enlarge the falsehoods in our life and see, there is this thing Of a boundary, right? There's a boundary between true and false, fake and real, authentic and inauthentic. I know we all might use different languages. I'm very aware that this is an international audience. I just think you've got to figure that out and get highly attuned to when that is happening. When people talk about mindfulness, they are often talking about, ooh, look at the flowers over there, let me notice the sensations in my body. When they talk about mindfulness, they often think of, let me just drink in this moment. But the most critical and important part of mindfulness is to know who you are and who you are being in any given moment. Because I know a lot of people, they can appreciate the flowers all day long, but they're miserable because they're not being themselves. Listen, write this down. Boundaries are all about identity. Boundaries. The most important boundary you will ever set in your life is who are you, what's in that circle of who you are and what's outside of that. Who are you? Who are you not? In other words, just bringing back my little picture here. The fake self versus the real self. That's the ultimate boundary to be mindful of when I cross that. Oh, it's so important. I know a lot of you out there. You're influencers, your creators, your leaders, your caregivers. And you can recognize how often you have to step into a role. Maybe you don't want to be in, or maybe you're in a situation where you have to hold back a little of your own truth for decorum. You have to put on a shiny space and not freak out on your child. You have to calm yourself down because you want to scream at somebody. That's self regulation. That's okay. That's allowed. We have to do those things. What we are talking about is an enduring sense and enduring recognition or mindfulness of how often we are crossing these boundaries. This is a conversation of frequency, isn't it? Because sometimes we have to do a certain behavior that is appropriate. We are going to talk about that later. Right now I want to shift your whole brain. Oh my God. Setting boundaries in my life is all about who am I, who am I really? And am I showing up as that? Consistently with intention, with joy, with flow. That is the thing we are actually talking about. Not just boundaries, about, you know, what you'll allow on your plate from others. It's about who you are. The more often you break this boundary, the more miserable you are. I really want you to capture that. I know you're kind of like, geez, Brendan, thanks for the personal development today. Can we get some dancing bears and balloons? Make this a little more entertaining. Dude, this is a little hard, but this is why you might be miserable. And I don't say that in any judgmental way. I've been there and I've coached thousands of people through this. We got to get you more on this side. We've got to be aware when we break a boundary, who we are, who we are not very key. You want to change your life. You also become vitally aware of this other internal boundary and this is this one. Your old self versus your new self. You got to know what happens is you have these patterns or these habits, these ways of thinking that were shaped by others. You have this old identity and you have the new you who you are today as a conscious, intentional living adult. This is when you drop into your childhood fears and concerns and this is when you are in the moment as an authentic conscious adult. Right? I know not everyone loves this language, but I think it is important. And I have had to say this, listen just for context. I know so many people are new into growth day here, but I have been coaching people one on one for 16 years of my life. 16 years I've worked with people from all walks of life, 100 plus countries. I've had the blessing of so many millions of people going through our programs and getting immediate feedback. But also I do this one on one with people for 16 years. And sometimes as a high performance coach, I have to push a little bit. I always say I am paid to push. I have to sometimes jar people or help them see themselves or recognize something. And so I know not everyone will like this language that I'll use. But sometimes I'll say with a client directly to them. I say, is that the high school self or is that you as a leader? And what I'm helping them recognize is this versus this. There is an old part of you or old set of patterns or habits or beliefs that you have to be aware that might not serve you. And they cannot break the boundary into the now. Who knows what I'm talking about. You got to know when that boundary is broken. Oh, my high school self just walked up into this room and smacked everybody in the face. You got to know. You got to know when you lose it. You got to know when that childish, smaller, older, less competent, less secure you shows up in the moment, breaks the boundaries of time. The time zone boundary just got broke, right? Time zones are a boundary of time, aren't they? That's what a time zone is. It's a boundary of time. And sometimes we allow that boundary to be broke with old thoughts, old beliefs, old insecurities, old selves that do not belong in this moment. And so I know not everyone likes it when I call you or call a client high school, because that's not really that kind. Because I knew a lot of kids in high school who are wise and centered and incredibly remarkable and spontaneous and creative and giving. That wasn't me just letting you. I just want to let you know, people. Okay, so when I say it, what I mean is that childish, dramatic. Dramatic. Overly selfish, you know, repugnant, like little high school kid that got all worked up and angry and had no emotional regulation, no connection with intention and vision. So maybe it's not appropriate to say that. I'm trying to give it to you as a metaphor though. Is there an old you that shows up once in a while and breaks the boundary into the now? If so, when does that happen? Let me share with you. One of the most important concepts in setting boundaries is to recognize when that happens. Same thing with this one. When do these breaks happen? What's the pattern there? Is it when you're under pressure? Is it when you're feeling defensive? Is it when someone judges you? Is it when someone doesn't comply? Is it when they insult you? Is it when you fail? Is it when you're feeling discouraged? Right. We all know this. It happens in our lives, right? Imagine the truth of how many of you ever have been on a diet or a new health program and you're like, I'm building a new self. I'm going to get pretty. I'm going to get, you know, in better shape. I'm going to do all these things. And then you have a bad day and you're three seasons into some Netflix show and you've murdered like 17 bags of chips and popcorn and two bottles of wine. You're like, oh my God. Well, something happened to make you break that boundary of the new self and the old self, isn't it? An old pattern of conditioning came back in and you went to a creature comfort versus a higher intention. You went to a creature comfort instead of a higher intention. You knocked out that conscious, willing, forward looking part of you and you went into coping zone and you might have went into an old coping zone. I got to know my old coping zones versus my new coping zones. The way I used to cope might not be appropriate in this relationship, in this career, in this role, with this person. Are you guys geeking about this? I love personal development for this conversation. It's a new way of looking at things. Sometime ago. Oh, yeah, man. I never thought about a boundary as something internally that I am breaking between old self and new self, fake self and real self, and dialing when that happens. This is why I really want to encourage every single one of you. Please, please, please make sure you are going into your growth day app and using the journal to capture what's going on in each of your days. To capture your feelings, to capture when you break a boundary, to capture how you wish you it would have shown up, led, performed, interacted, or communicated. Your journal is the most important part of growth day in my perspective, because the breakthrough you might be getting here, you get that every day when you reflect about yourself and you see, when did that happen? When did I go backwards? When did I break the time zone here of old self, new self? What caused me to cope that old way versus this way? It's in thinking about it that we discover ourselves. It's in self reflection that we discover our future self. It's in self reflection that we discover our future self. This is the power of journaling.

This has been so powerful. When you've shared this on our morning show, and I just wanna share it with everyone here, a lot of people are showing up here going, okay, like, it's been a hard 14 months and, you know, struggling with self doubt, struggling all the things. And some people have goals that they're trying to figure out with their career and all the other stuff. But then there's also a thing called feelings. Goals, feelings, goals. Right. So many of you guys, this is gonna be new for a lot of people. This is newer for me in my own life, frankly. Right. Cause, you know, all my years of working as a Denny's waitress, trying to all the jobs, and then all the years of rejection with my business, when I finally got, you know, when we were finally getting momentum, I didn't feel the day. I just drove as hard as I could. And one of the things Brendan has shared so much about, and I would love for you to share with everyone is, yeah, you can have goals in your fitness journey and in your career and all these things, but what about goals for your feelings for how you feel and how you feel the day? Can you share?

Yes.

This is so powerful.

I remember the first time I said this to her, feel the day. And she's like, right. And we just, we had this huge great talk about it. Because what happens is sometimes you're Taking care of the kids. You're going through your life, you're doing the projects, you have the to do lists, and you're just going, going, going. And you finished the day. You didn't even feel the day. There's no reverence for life. There's no love, there's no heart, there's no spirit, no flow, no connection, no creative pop. And it's not because it wasn't there. It was. You just. You just, like, blew through the day. You bullied the hours, I call it. And there was no moment of a pit stop to give prayer or meditation or gratitude or a second to go, like, how am I feeling? Am I experiencing the energy that I want to experience in life? And that's again, we generate that. But feeling the day I found the most successful people in the world. I remember we drew this out. I went to Jamie's house almost two years ago, I think now.

Yeah.

And we were talking about successful people, and they're drawing this little triangle and what everybody wants after they've gotten everything. After you hit your goals, you made the money, you feel like your family needs. What you want is you want to feel the day more. You want greater depth in your relationships, like deeper relationships, deeper commitment, deeper meaning. Right. We all want those things. And then we also want to know that we're leaving some kind of legacy or contribution, what I call meaningful pursuits. And I think feeling the day should be in your top one or two priorities every day. The whole mindfulness movement is really architected to. I want to feel the day. I want to feel presence. Right. I want to feel the energy, I want to feel the spirit. I want self awareness or consciousness. It's a different feeling of the day versus just like powering through or caffeinating through it all and just blunting it out. We want you to have those sensations of beauty and honor and respect and depth every day. We want you to feel joy and reverence every day. She knows. I probably say reverence every morning show because I'm so happy. Who feels so happy to be alive? I'm so happy to be alive. I'm so happy to be with this woman. I'm so happy with this team and you all guys. It's amazing. It's a gift.

Yeah. You know, I love that so much. And even Ed Mylett was sharing a little bit about that idea of, you know, setting goals also for feeling the day. And then also, like, how do. What are feelings we want in our life? And I think you just named a big one too, which Is presence. I think that it's been so easy, especially last 14 months, to like disconnect and just try to numb out and try to surf Instagram or watch the news or all the things, right? And so many people are saying that's really taken a toll on them that they feel their own light dimming when they do that. And, you know, I started the morning off by talking about how that light is still inside of you. That light in every single one of us, right? A lot of people nodding. It's still inside of you right now. And I think part of igniting it is learning to feel the day. Right? So what are just a few, just simple tips people can do who are like, Brendan, how do I feel the day?

I feel nothing. Part of it. Recognize your overall emotional feeling. Every day is usually a 72 hour after effect of how you moved, breathed, slept, and ate in the last 72 hours. It really is like, it's a cumulative effect, especially of the last 72 hours, have a lot to do with your emotional world. So that's why having good habits on a consistent basis, like you might listen, if you want to have a cheat day, that's okay. But that's why they call it a cheat day. You eat bad for one day, but then number two and number three, if you get back on the train, you start feeling good again, right? So it's okay to have one day off. But I think the most important thing for feeling the day is you need to have pit stops throughout the day. You need to have moments that you purposely take every day throughout the day to reconnect with spirit, soul, energy, or even just to breathe, Mom. Like, just to take a beat. Close your eyes. Like, ideally, I'll stand. I do this every hour. Okay, I'll stand up. Sorry for the camera, guys. I'll stand. Every hour I stand up. You've been asking me to demonstrate.

Yes, demonstrate.

I will stand up. I will close my eyes. Because a lot of your fatigue is visual fatigue, and that visual fatigue is causing a lot of neurological fatigue. So closing your eyes, especially because we're all these devices, close your eyes. I stand, I bounce in place, I swing my arms, I take 10 deep breaths like this. 10 deep breaths like that every hour. And it re energizes my body and my brain and it's a little pit stop. And now my mental focus is back. When I open my eyes, I go, what's my intention for this next hour? And that little pit stop makes me go longer. Just like a race car, it can go around the whole race, but it doesn't. It takes the pit stops to tune it up so it can go longer and faster and win the race. You need a little more pit stops to tune your mind up, amp up your emotions, reconnect with the heart or the spirit or the soul. And if you are just grinding all day, that is not. There's no pit stops. That's the equation for burnout.

Yeah. Well, so many people feeling burnt out, right? People that aren't leaving their home because of the pandemic, but just so burnt out and so overwhelmed. And one thing you shared that I want to make sure everyone caught is the idea of visual fatigue. Because that was a huge aha moment that I had with you on the morning show just in the past few weeks. I thought you guys, we implemented this at IT Cosmetics. We grew to over a thousand employees and we would start ending meetings like five minutes before the hour instead of just back to back to back meetings.

Right.

Because the idea that you can get up and just walk around and move your body, but one of the things you brought up is I learned I was doing them wrong because I was like walking and moving, but still engaged. I would take meetings in the hallway walking, or I would check my email on that five minute break.

Right.

And can you just quickly share the idea that when you do take a pit stop, when you do take that five minutes. Right. And this is hard for a lot of people, but the idea is when you take that five minutes, the other 55. Right. Or you take the 10 minutes, the other 50 are so much more alive.

Yes.

They're so much more alive than. So people that say, oh, I can't afford to do that. No, no, no, you're so much more alive than those other 50. But I was doing it wrong because I wasn't actually resting my mind. And you talk about the power of visual fatigue. If you take a break and you're scrolling Instagram or emails, that's not a break.

That's exhaustion. Right. Scrolling is just exhausting your brain even more and more and more and more. It's engaging it, but it's exhausting it more and more and more. And so it's like this. You cannot possibly hope the burnout will end if you don't more consistently recharge. But we grew up on a century old model that, oh, we'll get to recharge when we retire. We'll get to recharge, you know, two weeks out of the year when we have vacation. It's why people are miserable because the burnout is real. Because they don't recharge. One day I'll recharge. The spa day. Or you know, a year from. No, no, no. The world's largest study of productivity that's ever been done found out the most productive people in the world who also reported high levels of happiness. They took a break on average every 52 minutes. Largest study ever done. Every 52 minutes they took a break. Did they need a break? No, they're recharging. If you're crashing at 2 and 3 o' clock in the afternoon every day, it's time to take a hint. You need to recharge and at like 10:30, 11:30 or 1:30 to prevent the crash that happens two or three. The crashes happen because the recharges are not happening. And so the burnout will always be there. And I always say make sure you don't blame the burnout on anybody. Please don't blame your burnout on your kids. That's not fair to them. Don't blame your burnout on the team. Blame the burnout on either ambition that is unmet with planning or just not taking care of and prioritizing your self care or your well being. You know, take care of you so you have the energy to serve at your highest levels. I think that is something we call alignment. Hey guys, it's Brandon. I'm jumping in here real quick. First I want to make sure you've gone to progressmode.com to join the newsletter because I have a resource for you related to this episode and I have an upcoming meetup with my private group, Ultra. If you've ever liked to be in a private group with me where I help you get more progress towards your passion projects or to build your business or your brand in a bigger way, just go to progressmo.com, click on Private group to apply to See you can get into Ultra and we can take it to the next level by getting in person and meeting up virtually once a month online as well. Just go to progressmode.com how do you create remarkable and long lasting friendships? And I'm talking about the kind of friendships that you love. The friendships that bring you alive, that bring you that connection, that help life feel more even meaningful, that help you progress and feel supported, help you be seen, help you feel a true connection with, with not just others, but with humanity. Because the people around you are awesome. And when the people around you are awesome, you know you feel better about life. But we also went through this crazy last 18 months where so many people were isolated, where we had so much turmoil, so much conflict, so much just uncertainty and fear in the world, where I really believe friendships really elevated. And you could see whether or not you had great friends throughout this pandemic or you didn't. You were able to see whether or not you got the support that you needed, whether or not you were able to maintain your sense of vibrancy in some of those times of aloneness, whether or not you had people who cheered you on when you decided to make a transition, start something new, or the kids left the house, or you got sick or something was going on that was difficult in your life. We look to our friends and I think that this is a very undervalued conversation in mental health. So much about the mental health conversation is appropriately about self awareness, is, it's about mindfulness, it's about taking care of our stressors. And a lot of it is that solo work that we all have to do for self mastery. But I can tell you that the great universities of the world, the psychology department is right near the sociology department because they go together. We are social beings. And when you lose that social connection with the world, which usually starts through lack of disciplined habits with your friends, then suddenly life loses its color. And I think this is so important. You're going to hear me talk about friendship today in a way you probably haven't heard before, very much from what we would call a high performance psychology perspective. And I think you're going to love this. So if you've been struggling with friendships in your lifetime, not either having enough friends or not having the quality of friends that you've always wanted, this is a serious conversation today. I can't imagine a time, at least in my life so far, where friendships were so incredibly important. I get to share some of the things that really have worked, not just in my life and my friendships, but in studying this work deeply over the years, in recognizing how many people are entrepreneurs, high achievers, people who are trying to make great impact in the world. You're here today. And sometimes that journey can feel very lonely, or when you get to the top, it can feel lonely. They say. And I'm like, I kind of believe what my friend Brian Tracy and mentor said to me one time. He said, if it's lonely at the top, you did it wrong. I thought, woo, that's good, that's good. Because maybe sometimes we value today progress, we value today getting things done, we value that top mountain of achievement. And then we look around and go oh, nobody really knows me. I don't feel a connection to others. Yeah, I got the thing, the house, the car, the bank account, the accolades, the Instagram page. And all of a sudden, though, something's missing. And friendship is one of the greatest vehicles to the real psychology of well being that we talk about here at Growth Day. I'm going to share with you a secret today, just a simple phrase. You're going to go, oh, my gosh, that's why my friendships aren't going right. So you're going to love this session. I say that triangle, right, of well being that we talk about. Growth Day aliveness is one of the things we all want after you had everything else, right? Another thing we want is connection. We're not after casual friendships here today. We're at like, how do I create authentic, deep, trusting, vulnerable, fun, real relationships? Because how many of you have ever had friendships that turned out to be fake? You thought you had a good friendship and that thing turned out to be not so good or poisonous or, you know, somebody, like, they weren't loyal to you as a friend, or they lied to you or something went wrong. You thought, how could that happen in that relationship? And I always tell, like, friendships are a science of relationship. It's about how you create relationship with others. And I'm going to give you again a phrase that will really help you with this today. And then if it's true that we want aliveness and connection in this triangle, another thing that we want is meaning. Well, meaning isn't achieved just by living your purpose each day in your own head. Meaning is achieved through a social relationship network. My sense of meaning is, do I feel connected to the world? And the world isn't an abstract thing. It's not like I feel connected to the oak tree. It's like, no, I mean, did I feel. Did you make your difference in the world? That's going to be served and answered through your social impact, your relationships with others. And I have to tell you, after I've been coaching people for 20 years of my life now, and a lot of people have one friend. You know, in the United States, unfortunately, the number of people with three good friends has declined over the decades. You're like, three good friends. Oh, we got to talk about that. Because some people stumble into friendships or hope for friendships, just like some people hope to have a loving relationship, just like some people hope to have a good job, just like some people hope that, you know, they get healthier. And then there's strivers who take life a Little bit by the reins and say, no, no, no, let me architect that, let me build that. And I'll give you my own examples today of where I sucked at friendships and I had to learn how do you do them and how do you create them? And once you know how to create and craft them, life really opens up for you and it becomes not just more alive and connected, but more meaningful. Like, a sense of meaning happens when we have a tapestry of social relationships that are real and impactful. And then, of course, in the middle of that triangle, you always see me draw out growth. Your friend should be lifting you up, not pushing you down. Your friends should be inspiring you to get better. Your friends should have your back, but also be willing to challenge your face. You know what I'm saying? Like, your friends are and should be one of your primary growth drivers in life. Most people choose ambitious goals to be their growth driver. Oh, I'm going to do something that's hard, or I'm going to try to achieve this amazing thing. I'm going to try to become a millionaire or make this difference or build this company or, you know, have this type of family, and it's this external climb, this thing they're trying to achieve. And too many people forget. It's like, actually, one of the best drivers of growth isn't your job, isn't your goals, it's your friendship circle. And when your friendship circles make you a more alive, deeper, caring, thoughtful, authentic person in the world, I'm telling you what, guess what? At work, you're better. At home, you're better. Your art gets better, your sense of life lifts. Let me share with you what I really believe to be the two central problems of friendship. Okay, the two central problems of friendship. The first one is a failure of each of our own. I'm just taking this on myself as well. It's like we fail in life to realize most of our friendships were assigned not aligned. Most of our friendships were assigned not aligned. What I mean by that is many of our friendships happen because group assignment, right? Think about it. Some of your best friends, where did you meet them? School? Your neighborhood? Some other affiliation? Maybe at work, Maybe in a group that you joined. So it was like, oh, we showed up somewhere, or we were assigned somewhere, and there was that girl who sat next to me in class. We became friends. Or, oh, I worked with this person at work. We were co workers. We became friends. And these are kind of like assigned friends. And I know that sounds really weird to say, so bear with me a little bit. I don't mean that the manager, like, you're going to be friends here. What I mean is because of your group, your affiliation, or where you were, you kind of met people there. And by default, by you being a good person or communicating or doing stuff with them, you kind of became friends versus, that's like an assigned friend. It's like, oh, because we were here, we became friends versus an aligned friend, which is, oh, I'm an adult now. What are the types of friends that I want to create that align with my passion, my dreams, my lifestyle, my values, my beliefs, the things that I want of life and let me go get them, not let them fall into my lap, which brings up the second designation. And this is hard to say to people. And if you're in a place where you feel lonely in your life or you feel like you don't have great friendships, I promise this will be so helpful for you today to even know how your own brain thinks. And many of us, and I was this way probably all the way throughout high school, even I never. And this is the second problem of friendships. I never made the deliberate choice to have remarkable friendships. I kind of ended up with friends. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Who's like, ended up with friends if you kind of just ended up with like this person? It was kind of my friend. One of my buddies goes. He goes, I don't want no rando friends. And it was like, random. Now, I love random. I love the universe. I love God, I love coincidence. Listen, I read the Celestine Prophecy. People are glowing out there for me. I believe in that coincidence stuff. But I can also share with you, like, if you just allow randomness in your life all the time, you'll always feel a sense of mediocrity too. We have to stretch. We have to choose our life. And to choose our life, we have to be deliberate and go, what kind of life do I want? I would like you to learn to architect your ideal friendships. And can you get all of them? And will all your friendships be perfect? I'm not that guy. I'm not here to promise everything's going to be sweet and perfect and peaches in life. I am here to suggest, though, that if you haven't deliberately chosen the types of friendships that you want, that's a problem, especially if you're an adult. Right? And that's the thing is we're just, we're not encouraged to do that. Think about how much time people were feeding your ears with the idea you had to be really thoughtful about the career you choose. How many of you ever had more people tell you more times about. Be so thoughtful about the school you choose, the career you choose, but no one ever said as much. Be very thoughtful about the friends and the friendships that you build. And that's why we have a lot of high achieving people who are lonely their whole life. Think about your career. What are you going to be one day? Very rarely. What's the type of social network you're going to build around you? What's the type of friendships you're going to architect? What are you going to be proud of in terms of your friends in the future? What do you want your friends to achieve? What do you want your friends to experience in life? Not just what they give you, but what are you going to give out too? What kind of friendship do you want to create and experience? How do you want your friends to actually interact with one another? Have you ever thought about that? We spend so much time. If you're a parent and you have two kids, you're so worried about how they interact, right? I know people who've never even thought, how do I want my friends to interact? I mean, they might think, you know what, we shouldn't put them in a room at a party because they have this history of that background. But very few people are like, I'm going to actually teach my friends how to be friends with one another. Now, I know some of you might be like, this guy sounds like a control freak. I'm like, I am, but I'm a happy one. You know what I'm saying? I think this is such an important area to architect. Most friends have never talked about how to be friends. They just go, you want to go to lunch? They go to lunch. They talk about the weather, the waiter, the food, what's going on. They leave. And there's no architecting. There's no, I think of like social systems are things that can be shaped. You all think, like at work, right? How much we talk about at work, building a culture. More books and more people have spent time on this conversation of building culture at work and never the culture of a friendship. Isn't that weird? I don't know where along the line we lost the conversation and the desire to choose to build awesome friendships and a culture of friendship, meaning not just friends. Most people think of, I want a friend, right? When you're in high school, you just want a friend, right? You're just like, at least I was, can I get one? You know, it's like, you worry about having friendships when you grow up. And usually that means you think. And we're all trained this way. Especially in Western cultures. We're taught to have a friend, and we think in a very individualistic mode. I and this person are in relationship, and then you have another friend. I and this person are in relationship, and maybe you go out and you try to get them together and we have a party. But even at the party, it's individual nodes. Me, that friend and this friend. And I don't get trained, as I'm getting older, to think as a systems social architect. Oh, wow, look at all these nodes, if you will. These friends. If I like each of these people and have relationship with each people, why don't in some way I weave them together and create a tapestry of friendship where I'm actually connecting the dots and creating a culture of friendship? See, we don't think like that, do we? I was a very, kind of solitary child. I was kind of in my own little world. I don't know about you all, but I was definitely, you know, much. I would be like an introverted kind of child. I kind of kept to myself. I like to play with my toys kind of by myself. In elementary school, from what I can remember, I was kind of solo. Brendan I didn't see social systems right. I was in a class with kids and a teacher, and. And I had a relationship with the teacher, and I had a relationship with this person or that person or not. But I couldn't see the class. I couldn't say, oh, you know, like, this group is kind of like this. Instead, it was just like, she likes me or she doesn't. Teachers like that. I didn't see the system. Today, I'd like you to try to see the system a little bit. See the system of the friendships you've built in your life. See the system at play, at work. See the system of your culture or your nonprofit or your company. When you can start seeing a bigger picture and get out of your head a little bit. Now something happens. There's connection, there's community. See, everyone says, I want community. I'm like, well, you can't be an individualistic person in the community forever. You have to elevate to seeing the system. If you never be a community member or an effective one or a helpful one, if you can't get out of your head, well, I'm saying that not as judgment to you. That was me. So there's no judgment here. If you don't have friends, I'm like, I'm telling you my story, too. I was a solo person. I was in my own head. I couldn't see the class. I couldn't see the system. And so I felt apart. And because I felt apart and I couldn't see what was happening, and I didn't know how to engage. I was lonely. And then when I finally made a connection with a friend, that friend became my life. Later on, that perpetuated into, you know, some of you guys know my story of my first breakup with the. My high school sweetheart. I was destroyed because that was my one person, right? That was my one node in the world. And then when that relationship fell apart, I fell apart and became depressed and suicidal. And so how we relate with one or multiple people can completely shape our mental health. I know you already know that. And so I had to learn, like, wow, one. I don't want to ever be dependent on one friend. I want to build a support system. You ever heard that language before? No one says, go build a supporter. I want you to listen to the language of successful people. When successful people are speaking, they never tell you, go build a supporter. They say, go build what? A support system. A support network. Oh, I got to get out of single node thinking. A node is one individual unit. And I got to get into the system. I gotta stop thinking, does Sally at the class next, does she like me? And if she likes me, my whole life is good or bad or ruined. And I gotta go, hmm. There's a class here. There's an energy, a vibe, a spirit. There's rules and norms. There's a culture here that is happening. How do I want to participate in this? And how do I want this culture to happen, too, in ways that I can affect what do they want? And we all have to start thinking about that more in a society in which we're supposedly connected, but we've actually become individual nodes in the network. How do you reignite your life? You know, if you're, like, ready for a big change or you just want more vibrancy and more pop and more joy and more energy into your life so that you can actually feel happy about life? How do you do it? Especially if you've been through, like, a dark period of time and you're just like, I really. I just want to turn back on. You know, maybe you've come through a breakup or a divorce or you've started a new business, or you just recognize, like, hey, for the last six months, you've kind of sucked. You know, life has just not been good. It's just been, like, upsetting. And you're like, I need something. Something new. I need to revivify. You know, you're in that place where you're like, I just need some new pop in my life. Brendan, how do I reignite? Well, some of you guys know I did a whole course on this with the Oprah Winfrey Network back in the day. But I've been really thinking about it lately because so many people are asking, like, okay, I feel like so much negativity. I want more positivity and joy in my life. But I also need a change because a lot of people right now, they're in transition. You know, they had this part of their life and. And now the career change, and they're like, oh, I'm in this part of my life, and they want to do it better. So this still applies to you. So how do you reignite your life? I got four big ideas. I call it the four Ps. Okay. The first way to reignite your life is not to have a midlife crisis and become a metaphor. Okay. What I mean is that most people, what they do is they think, well, I must have to move. I got to move to a whole new location. I see, Brendan, you moved to Puerto Rico. It's great. I guess I got to move my life. No, my life was already ignited. I didn't have to move somewhere to find it. You don't have to be in a new relationship, start a new career, move to that new town. Often when we want to reignite our life, we look for these big things. Well, I'll feel good when I win the lottery or that perfect thing happens. You're waiting for that perfect thing to happen in order to feel good. And that makes you a novice in personal development. And I say that with all respect because we all do that at some point, I can recognize time in my life. I'm like, brendon, why didn't you feel better at that stage of your life? Because I wasn't using my mind. Well, and so I learned that if you want to reignite your life, don't think it has to be this big, abrupt, sudden, crazy change. Those can be great, but if those aren't well thought out, it becomes a train wreck and a midlife crisis and versus an intentional new way of being. Because, listen, that's how you reignite your life. An intentional new way of being. And that's what these four P's are really going to be about. A new way of being for you. We don't have to Change your marriage or your career. I'm not saying those things might not need to change. But you can reignite your life by starting with these four P's. The first piece. Presence. Learning to be more present in the moment, more mindful and appreciative of what you already have that you've been missing. So many people think that they need something new to make them feel good. When I'm like, but didn't you see what your child just did? How cute was that? Or didn't you just notice that you do have more abundance than 50% of the world? Didn't you notice that today went by? No one shot at you, Nobody tried to stab you. Didn't you understand that today there was no crime in your house? Like, if that's true for you, you're lucky. And what happens is we lose our perspective and we become people who are always attached to the next moment or the previous moment, and we're not here. And I've always found that when you can learn to get in this moment and you can breathe and use your breath to engage in this moment, and you can notice the small things in this moment and just be in the moment. That when I'm here in the now, in this moment, I will always be happier. I will always notice things. I will always feel a sense of connection with life. The reason a lot of people are unhappy and they feel like they have to reignite it is because they become disconnected. They become disconnected with themselves. They become disconnected in their relationship, they've been disconnected in their career. And the only thing they're connected to anymore is their phone, Right? The only time there's any presence when they're like, and they've lost presence with the moment, with this breath, with this joy of being alive. Like, I hope that you realize the ultimate way to reignite your life is to first have reverence for life. And if you have reverence for life, you connect with the moment. You have fun with the moment. You dance with the moment. It's all here. It's already here. You're already alive. You already won the lottery of this crazy cosmos that all these billions of cells aligned perfectly to make you right now. Please. You forgot this moment. You forgot the magic of now. And you're looking for tomorrow to make you happy when it's right here. It's a choice. It's a decision. It's an intention. It's a reconnection with the moment. Each day. Stop going through the day, going through the motions. Reconnect with the minute. Take Notice of your breath. Take notice of what you're paying attention to. Appreciate the small things. Be present now, because trust me, if you can't learn to be present now where you don't feel like life is going great, when it becomes great, you won't notice either. Trust me, I coach some of the highest level people in the world, and I always find this to be true. They have everything and they're still not happy because they never trained themselves in the practice of presence. The second P that I think is so critical is people engagement. And that is if you want to reignite your life. The way to do that is in your current relationships. The people you already interact with, the people you already love, the people you already lead, the people you already work with. I want you to re engage them again. You got distracted and you thought that you know everything about them. You don't know a lot about your wife, your husband, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. The people who you're working with, they are infinitely complex. But what you do is you shorthand them. You kind of like take them for granted. You stop asking them the questions. You stop engaging them deeply and without depth in relationships, we'll never feel like life has its pop. Life has its pop. When you're in a relationship with people and it's this deep and real and curious thing that you honor the mystery in other people enough that you ask them questions, that you explore what they think, what they feel, what they need, what they desire. That curiosity with other people lights you up, man. But you take them for granted because you've been around them for a while. Yeah, you know your kids. Yeah. You know your husband. Yeah, you know your friends. But you don't. And once you accept that, it becomes like a curious thing again. I mean, think about all of the vibrancy and the pop that you had at the beginning of your relationship with somebody. Remember those first couple weeks of dating? It was just like magic and fire because you're learning so much about the person and you're just like, oh, I learned this about the person. You tell your friends, oh, and she's like this, and he's like that. And it's so cute. It's because you were curious about them. You didn't pretend you know everything. But so many of us take our relationships for granted, and we're missing the very thing right in front of us. Just like presence, it's right in front of you. The people in your life are there to make your life come alive. You forgot that they're a tool for that There are ends, there are means. They're an experience. They are there with you and for you in your life to make life have pop. And don't blame them if they're not giving you that, because that's what we do. Well, she's just negative. She's terrible. They don't support me, Brendan. Yes, I understand, and that might be true. But if you haven't fully tried to re engage them and been present with them, don't expect them to do it for you. So first, take ownership. Ask. Have I really poured myself into these relationships, getting to know these people and diving deep? I mean, think about when someone does move to a new town. Why is it so magical? New people they can ask questions to and get to know. Well, they had people at their house too, but they forgot to do that. So I hope that makes sense. Re engage the people around you. There is vibe and pop there like you just can't even imagine. Third P is probably not. It's not a sexy one, I gotta tell you. It's planning. Planning. The reason a lot of people want to reignite their life is because they're frustrated with where they are. They're not having the momentum behind them. They recognize they have unbelievable potential and they have not been activating it. And why? Because they have been leaving their growth. They have been leaving their momentum. They have been leaving their goals to randomness. Let's just see what happens every day. See what happens every day. See what happens every day. See what happens. And if every day is I guess I'll just see what happens, guess what the odds are in a month nothing happened. Two months, nothing happened again. Because the world is good at letting you sit on your laurels. The world is good at it passing you by and not bringing new opportunities. Yes, sometimes we're lucky and new things come into our lives and changes us. But often we've got to architect that. We have to strategize it, we've got to structure it, and we've got to schedule it. Baby, you have to think about that. You have to take back the strategy and the structure and the scheduling for you to get ahead. What does this mean? It means planning. It means I need to be able to show up in your house. You need to be able to open up your laptop or show me on a wall somewhere on a piece of paper at the kitchen table. Here's my plan, Brendon. Here's what I'm excited to do, even if all that shows me is what's my ideal day look like. I'M trying to work towards that every day, Brendan. It doesn't have to be your, you know, your mission to go to Mars. It can just be like, here's what an ideal day would look like for me. I'm going to hit it. More often than not, it's just a plan. And without a plan, without knowing what your next month is about, we end up going month to month to month, flailing about. And then one day we're going, I'm kind of miserable and I don't know why. I'm like, I know why. Because you're the same as you were five years ago. And we all have within our heart and our soul the growth imperative. It's in us. By biology, evolution, God, whatever you want to call it. We are meant to grow and to try to reach the rim of our full potential. But that can't be done without some planning. So think about, what do you want next month? What does your ideal days look like? What are the big goals and projects you want to work towards? Bust them down, put them in the calendar. Start building knowledge, skills and ability to be able to achieve those faster. And that's getting you a little momentum because momentum makes life come back to full color. Got it. Other idea I think is really important is that as you're striving towards this, the fourth P is peaceful progress. One reason that people want to reignite in their life isn't just because they didn't get where they wanted to be. One reason often is because where they got, they can't sustain it and they don't want to do it that way anymore. They burnt themselves out, they hustled themselves in the ground, they ground and ground and ground. And they were in the grind philosophy. And they cheated their relationships, they cheated their health, they cheated their joy, they stole away their presence. And because the way they were striving was not present, but also was not peaceful. You got to meet life with peace. Yes, there's that warrior part of us. Yes, there's that grind part of us. But if you ground yourself into exhaustion, that's why you feel like you need to reignite. That's why people love to go away to a week long detox somewhere because they're like, I need to turn off the phone, I need to eat healthier, I need to work out, I need to take care of myself. Because self care is part of peaceful progress. To take care of yourself as you are striving isn't a luxury, is a necessity for long term performance. As many of you guys know I conducted the world's largest study that's ever been done on high performers, which are essentially the top 15% of the most accomplished people in any field, any art, any endeavor. And these top 15% people aren't superhuman. But one thing they are doing is they are striving more satisfied. They are joyous on their journey, they are happy with the path, they're not waiting for the destination or the outcome. And they're not grinding themselves in the ground every day with work. Rather, they're peaceful. There's a sense of centeredness to how they are proceeding through life. You ever meet somebody like that, they walk in the room and they're just so grounded and so centered and so peaceful. And you're like, gosh, I wish I had some of that. You got to practice yourself into that. So for some of you who just you feel like always stress, always anxiety, always frustration, always nervousness, always like hustle, hustle, hustle. Jeez. Please teach yourself to meditate. Simple. Close your eyes 20 minutes a day, 5 minutes a day, 10 minutes a day and just release your thoughts and release the tension in your body. If you need a training on that, just Google me on YouTube and type in release meditation technique. Two million people have learned to meditate. For me, I'm super honored by that. It's something simple that can give you a daily break from all the noise in your head, that can steal away your presence, steal away your connection with other people, steal away the motivation to pursue all that planning that you did. Because listen, you could do all those things. But if you're completely hectic, freaked out, anxious, upset all the time, and you're exhausted, there is no way. We cannot reignite your life without managing your self care better. And I know you know all these things, but this is my invitation to you to explore. Or are you leaving any of this? Have you forgot your presence? The deep connection you have with people? Have you not been planning and have you been progressing just with just like all the time versus joy? You deserve to have a vibrant, joyous, connected, excellence filled life.