The Secret to ANY Healthy Relationship

If you get into a practice of denying, going, that doesn't matter. I promise there's going to be bitterness there. Because what matters to them doesn't matter to you. Bitterness is the blockade to passion, intimacy. It doesn't have to be something that you agree with. It matters to them. Let them have it. The job is to elicit more, to create these conditions in which they share. You're not the arbiter of perspective for them. The less they share with you, the more you're oblivious. Beware of saying or thinking it doesn't matter. Write it down so you capture this phrase, it doesn't matter. Now here's the thing. I got in trouble when I was trying to explain this one time. You're right. Nothing matters. You ever heard of a nihilist or nihilism? It's this belief that nothing matters. Hey, we're all going to die. The world's just spinning around. There's all this randomness. Nothing really matters. We give meaning to things, but that meaning is made up, right? Our laws are made up. Morality is made up. This is all nihilism if you don't know it. I don't believe that, by the way, at all. I'm just sharing. It's a philosophy that nothing matters anyway, because the perspective of the whole universe is so big. We're so infinitesimal. We don't. It's like humans. We're so tiny. Does it even matter? This is the belief of the nihilist. I don't believe at all. I believe that everything is a blessing, that it's. There's meaning in everything. I find so much meaning in walking down the street and looking at flowers. I find so much meaning in talking with you. I find so much meaning in my writing. I find so much meaning in my relationships and my conversations. But I do. I'm putting the meaning in. I'm putting the meaning in. But it would be very easy to say nothing matters because of perspective, right? And I know you perspective checked your partner before. Listen closely on this one. They're like, oh, this thing happened with the kids today. And you're like that. You're upset about that. Do you know what happened to me at work today? Oh, you're complaining about that? Do you know what's on my shoulders? Right? Your perspective checking. Oh, wait, you're complaining about that. Well, there's kids in Africa without shoes. They don't got shoes. You know, that's called perspective checking. Beware of that. Because what is that telling your partner? It's telling them what they are thinking or feeling or saying doesn't matter. You're denying them of their reality because you don't think it matters. And I want to show you again, please listen, because this will make you feel so self righteous. You're probably right. This is terrible. You're probably right. What they're working, what they're upset about and they're freaking out. They're probably zooming in on it, they're probably catastrophizing. They probably lost their perspective. They could probably, if they stepped away from the thing they're upset about, if they stepped away from their emotions, if they stepped away from their reaction, if they stepped away from the situation, they'd probably realize it's not that big of a deal. There's other things going on. There's people starving, there's wars. I mean, there's all this stuff happening. Maybe they lost perspective. That's probably true. The issue is though, you're not the arbiter of perspective for them. They're feeling it, they're sensing it. If you get into a practice of denying, going, that doesn't matter, I promise there's going to be bitterness there. Because what matters to them doesn't matter to you. Bitterness is the blockade to passionate intimacy. They get embittered, they're not heard, seen or validated by you. She's having a freak out and you want to correct it, you want to fix it, you want to tell her, don't freak out, it's not that important. Well, for her, that feels like you're diminishing her feeling or not acknowledging it. Even if you don't agree on perspective or on a decision or on an idea, the job is to ask more. The job, tell me more. Share how you feel. The job of a relationship is to elicit, not shut down, whatever they're feeling, whatever they're sharing, when they're doing that. They might not call it being vulnerable, but that's what they're doing. And so whenever they're in that place where they're sharing and you shut it down, or perspective, check it every time, they stop sharing as much. When they stop sharing as much. Well, we just broke, you know, the rule about rhythm. We've stopped holding the container for where they can share. And the less they share, here's the problem. The less they share with you, the more you're oblivious. The less they share with you, the more you're oblivious. And the more you're oblivious, the more you got a big problem on your hands. I have to tell myself it's hard for me because a lot of my life is in these one hour increments. All my CHPCs, you all know what I'm talking about. My living is an hour long conversation, right? I'm a high performance coach. And in high performance coaching, our sessions are one hour. So I'm like, I am fine tuned to how long you've been talking at me. Like, I'm very fine tuned to how long you've been talking to me. And sometimes I'm built this way where like I want to like, let's get to the point here. Thanks for sharing all these feelings and, and these ideas, but, you know, let's land the plane. Let's get to the point. But see, when I cut them off, what I'm saying is it doesn't matter what you're sharing. Get to the point. That will make them share less, make me more oblivious, us less connected. Disaster ensues. I want you to write it down. The job is to elicit, to ask for more. I know it's hard. I know it's hard. The job is to elicit more, to create these conditions in which they share. Now, I know some of you say, but I can't handle that. He or she is always venting at me. They're always, they share too much. I'm tired of listening. This is, I mean, they need a therapist or a coach. I'm like, great, get them a therapist or a coach. But you, in the meantime, weather that storm, stand strong, listen as long as you need and take comfort in the fact that science is pretty clear on this fact. So much. So I can tell you, most people, they're only going to vent and they're only going to share, tops. 20 minutes tops. Most people, they run out of gas. Now, I know you're like, no, no, no, you don't know my wife, Brendan. And she'll go for hours. I'm like, yeah, she ain't most people. I understand. But even if we actually tracked it, most people that vulnerable share that connection. It's only 20 minutes. So much, so similar. I won't belabor the point, but the famous guy named John Gray who wrote Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which would be a controversial book today because it's engendered. But he taught me this amazing thing. He goes, brennan, whenever you go in your house, have a watch on. And I said, why? He says, when you walk in your house, I just want you to look at the clock. And he goes, just be aware of it. Don't let her in the conversation, see that you looked at your watch. But just glance at your watch and just know you have to be receiving for 20 minutes. Just don't have. When you walk into your house, don't have anything to do for 20 minutes. Just talk with your wife, ask her to share more. Listen, it goes. And just watch. He goes. For 20 minutes, just receive. Don't solve. Don't give advice. Don't perspective check. Just listen for 20 minutes. And you know what? If you listen really well for someone for 20 minutes, they kind of run out of gas or they flip it to you or they got stuff to do with the kids or the house. You got 20 minutes in you to actively listen, to elicit the conversation, to really hear. Don't deny it. Don't perspective check, don't solve it. Just ask. Elicit. You're like, how do you do it? Tell me more. That's your magic phrase. All of life. Wow. Tell me more. Or, ugh, Tell me more. Or, oh, sorry. Tell me more. So simple. And if they run out of gas, you're like, I'm listening. I'm listening. You don't have to have an answer. It's very hard for me because Denise will share lots with me, and I'll be in that place of like, oh, I'm a coach, or I have perspective, or, I know this, or, you know, I want to share all my research that tells her she's wrong. No red, dead bad boy. Listen. And so I just say to Denise, I say, okay, I'm listening. Okay, I'm listening. Where I want to solve, I've taught myself, okay, I'm listening. Where I want to shut down. I've taught myself, tell me more. This might go against your impulses with your partner, and yet it will make you a better partner. Remember, don't deny them what matters to them. Matters to them. Let it matter to them. It doesn't have to be something that you agree with. It matters to them. Let them have it. I'd love to talk about that famous protest or request I want you to teach yourself to listen to how you ask for things from your partner. When you ask for things from your partner, does it sound like a protest, a complaint, or aggression? Complaining or aggression? Or does it sound like a request for us, for the relationship, for me? And I want you to have the guts to ask your partner about your tone. So here's how I frame it. Anytime I'm going to ask my partner to change, to do something different. When I'm with Denise, I don't Just like, hey, I need you to do this. I have to listen to my tone and I literally say, can we have a conversation about something? Yes. Can we have a conversation about something? Yes. There's something that I need, but I want to make sure this is the right time. There's something that I need, but I want to make sure this is the right time. So first, can we have this conversation? Yes. There's something I need. I want to make sure it's the right time. Yes. Okay, great. Then when I make my request, I share what I saw, observed, or felt. What I saw, observed, or felt. Hey, when this happened, I felt this. Hey, we just had this conversation. You said this, I felt that. So I just observe. Like, I just share what did I observe. And then I share what would help me. What would help me better be a better partner, or what would help me feel better, or what would help me is if this could happen next time. Then I share the request if this could happen next time. If I'm not sure what happened, if I don't think that it's observable and obvious, all I'll share what I observed or felt, and then I'll ask, what did you feel about that? What did you feel about that? Before your request, this is pro tip. Before your request, you describe the situation and then ask them, what did you feel about that? What did you need there? What could have gone better there? In other words, elicit from them their perspective. If you're unsure, if it's so obvious, then I don't think you need to belabor the point and just get right to the point and say, you know what, what would help me next time is if this happened? And share that with them. What would help me next time is if this happened. And then say, does that make sense? Does that make sense? Not does that make sense to you? No, no, no. Tone. Does that make sense? Am I like, way off base here? And here's the thing, be prepared that soon as you make a request, they're going to do something crazy, which is they're going to share their perspective, which is different than yours. And this is the pro tip. Don't be surprised and don't get mad. This is where most people derail. They make the request and the partner goes, no, but this is what happened and this is what I need. And you feel interrupted, you feel denied, you feel not seen, you feel like they're oblivious, they're just in their own head and they're in their own world still. So you can listen to that if they made a request and you agree or you want to help, say, okay, yeah, that makes sense to me. And then you come back to your quest and could you also do this so you hear their request? Remember, when you make a request, they're likely to defend or make another request. They went into their world, let them. Don't get mad at them. Stop being so surprised. They interrupted you and offered a different perspective and made their own request. And you're like, hey, this is my time to make the request, you jerk. Don't interrupt me. No. Most people have never had any communication training at all. They don't know they're operating on their unconscious operations, on their impulse or their family patterns. They've never consciously had a conversation like this. They hear your request. They don't even know they're denying you. They're just in their own world. And when people are in their own world, a good rule of thumb is don't get mad at them. Let me say it again. When people are in their own world, a good rule of thumb is don't get mad and don't be surprised. Assume 99% of the time people are in their own world. When you meet somebody who's with you and present and there, what a blessing. But just assume most people in their own world. So when you make a request and you get interrupted, now you know, well, Brennan told me that's exactly what's going to happen. I'm not going to get mad. Instead, I'll hear them out, I'll give them what they need if it's reasonable and they're asking, and then I'll return to my request. Everyone, write it down. Return to my request. Write it down in caps. Return to my request. What happens for many of you is you get derailed. Raise your hand if you know what I'm talking about. You got derailed in the conversation. You wanted to ask for something. They were in their own head. It feels like they went crazy by telling you they saw the world in a different way and they want something from you. You're the one asking them, but now they're asking you, and you get mad at that because you don't know that that's just a keto. That's just what's going to happen. Anytime there's a push, there's a pull. There's an opposite reaction, isn't there? You're making the request. What's the opposite? They make a request and you're like, so here's the rule of thumb in relationships. There's always Three requests going on. You're going to make a request. They're going to make a request, and there's going to be some kind of request for the relationship. So never from now on, as a mature adult, do you get mad when you make a request and someone defends it, defending their perspective and make their own request. You're like, I'm asking you for help with kids, and you're asking me to clean the car. What? How did that happen? And you get derailed, right? And you get so flustered that they gave perspective from their world and they made a request. Now you're mad at them, and in your madness and your anger, you forgot what you even wanted, and you don't return to the request. Now the conversation ends, you go away, you feel denied, and you get embittered. And bitterness is the blockade to passionate intimacy. So we have to come back and go, okay, I heard you, husband. You saw it this way. You feel that I understand that you want the house cleaned and this thing to happen, too. Okay? Thank you for sharing. Let me come back to what my request was. What I'm asking of you is this. Can you help me with that? Is that fair? Do you hear me? Will you support that? Those phrases, does that sound fair? Do you hear me? Will you support that? Does that make sense? Those phrases after your request keeps the door open if you don't make those phrases. What you did is you made a command, not a request. You made a demand, not a request. A request is you ask for it and then you say, does that make sense? Can you help me with that? Will you support that? Can we do that together? The difference between a demand and a request. And please, gentlemen, if you're listening, who are the number one offenders on this without knowing? You just haven't even been taught this, right? You got taught pickup lines, not request lines. And that's why relationships suck. And so you have to realize the request line is, you know, I sense this. I saw this. I feel this. I need this. Can you help me with that? Would you do that? Will you support that? This would help us? And that is then where they say, yes. That is when they say, okay, I got you. But you had to wade through. Listen, you had to wade through patiently being vulnerable and letting them being vulnerable, making your request, letting them make the request. See, what surprises people is your request. Conversations are always twice as long as you think they need to be. But once you know that, you got superpowers, right? A request conversation is always twice as long as you think it's going to be why? Because you shared perspective and you made the request. But guess what? They're going to share perspective and make the request. If you are thrown off by that every single time, that's called living in anger for no reason. So much of your anger is actually just the natural conversational push and pull. It's totally natural for him to share back. You think she's a jerk? It's totally natural. She's sharing how she feels about it. This is relationship. Being in relationship is understanding the back and forth and giving time for the back and forth. This will change your whole life. Your patience will explode. Your spouse's sense that they see you and your sense that you see them grows. Intimacy grows because that you're giving time for the back and forth. Every time I'm hearing a request from my wife, I immediately go, like, okay, this is gonna be a long one. That sound awful? It kind of did when I said out loud, but it's real. I just go, oh. You know, because if she shares, she just needs something, you know, I think I can walk out the door right now. It's going to be a conversation. Every dude here, it's going to be a conversation. She's not crazy. That's normal, gentlemen. That's called time for back and forth. It's normal. She's not crazy. That's how conversation works. It's back and forth. It's not linear. Pop, Pop, I saw this. I need that. That's called demand, not request. And remember, if you demand of her, you're making her your servant. Now you've lost her. Now she's got bitterness to that. This is what the key is. This is what the key is. A protest versus a request. If you complain and you protest and you're angry against something, they're going to get defensive, going to be awful. A request is. Is this a good time? Here's what I experienced and felt. Here's what I need. Does that make sense and understand? They're going to come with another perspective, and they're going to come with their request. And that's natural. That's negotiation. That's them feeling like they have a say and an input into hard conversations.