The Self-Perception Problem

Have you ever had the pain point where you perceive yourself different than everybody else around you? You know, you think you're this great, amazing person and other people around you are being mean, or maybe sometimes you're like, down on yourself, but everyone's like, no, you're awesome. I love you. What's wrong? I love you. If you ever had that, it's like there's this challenge sometimes between our self perception and how other people perceive us. So the first thing you have to do is make sure every single day that you have a very clear intention for who you want to be. I know you've been watching my YouTube, hopefully for a long time, and you hear me talk about, you can't keep bumbling into each day and just reacting all day. You have to have an intention for, like, what kind of person do I want to show up to the world as? Like, how do I want to be perceived? And be really clear about that. Don't just, like, wander into social situations all throughout high school, all throughout college, all throughout your professional life. Showing up as you do normally instead go, how do I really want to be in the situation? How do I want to feel in the situation? And how do I want to treat people in this situation? How do I want other people to perceive me? Not in some kind of method of conformity, but rather like, what's the real me? If you can't articulate the real you, please don't ask other people to figure it out. If you're not clear about your own values, how you want the world to see you, and what you want to accomplish, please don't ask the world to know who you are and what you're about. So it begins with that intention, that clarity of self. First you gotta do the homework, you gotta do the personal development. You gotta read the books. You gotta geek out on figuring out your values, your drives, how you want to show up to people, what your goals are. Because if you don't know it, I promise you, we're never gonna figure it out. And I think a lot of people are really miserable in their life because they're like, no one understands me. But they don't understand themselves or they don't understand themselves and communicate who they are. So it all begins with intention. All begins with clarity. You got to start by defining yourself. And every day, look at it. I mean, like, literally every day, like, what are the words that should define how you're going to be today? I have people write that down every single day. Like, I want to be a person who is and write it out. I want to treat other people like this. Because if every day you show up as that person and you treat people like this, then integrity starts happening in your life. You have that congruence of being who you really want to be, and more people see you on a consistent basis and being like you versus Scattershock, just reacting or conforming or trying to fit in. Now, when you know you and you show up as you more often, they go, I get you. So the second big thing you can do is learn by discussion. This is the hardest thing to do. And what this means is ask other people how they perceive you. I mean, it's the hardest thing. But let's say you got a job and you have a great meeting and you feel good about the meeting. Lots of people walk out and just go celebrate, and they'll go, I guess I did a great job. Instead, ask other people, like, how did that meeting go for you? How do you think I did? Was there anything else I could do better? How do you think of the way I talk to this person? Is there anything that you feel like I missed? And just start asking other people to share the perceptions of you and your performance. It is the gutsiest, scariest thing in the world for people to do, because most people don't want feedback. But if you never solicit feedback, if you're not consistent in asking for it, then people just don't say it. And then one day they're like, well, I think you're like this. And you're like, how could you say that? We've been in a relationship for 10 years. And they're like, I guess you never asked. So you got to ask. Ask consistently and constantly in almost everything you do. Be like, how is that? Did I come across as this? I was trying to go for that. Did it work? I mean, even as we're shooting this video, you know, today I shot a couple of these and I asked my team, like, do you think that was, like, too slow? Was it too fast? Did I get my points across? Because if you don't ask that, you don't know. And a lot of the external feedback that comes from others can give you the real direction for how to be better. I know it's scary. I know it's like, well, people might say negative things, but if you realize all you're trying to do is learn, not judge, everything goes fine. If all you're trying to do is say, hey, just give me the honest feedback and don't worry about saying it exactly Right. I won't get hooked. I won't get mad. You got to actually have those conversations with people, allow them to share the feedback and don't take it personally. Take it as a learning point that either applies and is true for you or not. Like, I get a lot of feedback. I'm like, I don't agree with that. That's not true. I don't think that's true for me. I'll try to do better next time to make sure that that doesn't happen. But I don't ever hold it against other people. Now, is it true that some people are going to be mean to you? Is it true some people are going to call you names? Is it true some people are going to be hard on you? Yeah, that's part of life. So don't be surprised by it anymore. You're too old now to be surprised by other people being a jerk to you. You should know that it's gonna happen. You should know people are gonna give you negative feedback. And what you have to do is start learning to take feedback from people who know how to deliver it. If someone gives terrible feedback and they're a terrible jerk, and they're always that way, man, don't take that personally. Just know that's their style, that's their thing, that's their life. That's their, you know, axe to grind, not yours. You want to find the people in your life who know how to give good feedback and you want to ask them for more of it. The third thing you can do is make sure that you're doing progress checks. I know a lot of people who feel like, you know what, I'm amazing, I get a lot done, I'm awesome. And yet they are still living in their parents house and they're 50. You know, a lot of people's self perception isn't real because their self perception is never checked against progress. Self perception should always have a component of self evaluation compared to where you want to be. Because a lot of people think they're great, but they haven't done anything in seven weeks. A lot of people think they're also not good, but they're also, they've had so much progress, they're not giving themselves credit. We got a lot of people who are so amazing in their life, but they never feel amazing because all the progress they get, they never look at it and they never integrate those wins, integrate that progress, integrate that momentum. And so their identity feels weak, they feel bad about themselves, they hate themselves even though they're amazing. And sometimes we have to tie a little bit of our perception to our progress because that just makes it real. I know people comment and go, well, you don't understand, Brendan. That's dangerous thing to do because some people, if they're not getting any progress, they'll hate themselves. No, this is about hating yourself. It's about being real with yourself. Like if you're not progressing towards your goals, call a spade a spade. Be like, you know what, I'm not showing up enough. I'm not giving my full, I'm not like playing intensely. I'm not protecting my time and handling my time well. I'm not speaking up for my truth. Sometimes you got to be real with yourself before you know yourself. Sometimes you got to acknowledge the fact that you're not progressing and that will spark something on you. Go, you know what? I don't want to feel like a loser. I don't want to feel like I'm not doing things. And I know that language is hard for people because no one wants to feel like a loser and no one wants to feel like they're not doing anything. But sometimes it's okay. I mean, there's times in my life when I want to be a writer. And many of you guys know I've written six best selling books now. But I'm telling you, before that period of time, I kind of hated myself because the truth was I wanted to be a writer, but I wasn't writing. And at some point I had to own that and go, you know what, it's okay. I feel crappy about myself as a writer because I'm not writing. And that internal angst can sometimes become fuel and fire. The main thing is don't let the internal angst stop you and hate yourself instead. Acknowledge it is real. Call a spade a spade and get back in there and improve. Approach your life as an opportunity to grow and progress faster and your self perception will start to align with it. Like your self perception, your confidence, how you feel about yourself. If you can align it with real progress, you'll feel momentum and the depth of your character. If you have the bad days or the bad weeks or the bad months, if you, you gotta acknowledge it and be okay with it. Don't hate yourself, but go, I can do better. What's my next project? What's my next progress checkpoint? What's the next milestone? And get back on track again. And you'll find yourself feeling better and people perceiving you in more of your truth, which is a capable, competent, confident person. And Then I'll share the last thing. There's no greater way to gut check your self perception than the degree in which you have leadership in your life. Are you being a role model and a leader for other people? And you know that question is either yes or no. It's a binary thing. Either yes, I am being a role model and I'm trying each day to have the role model mindset to lead other people to influence them positively, or you're just going through the motions. And ultimately a lot of people's self perception, they're scared to check it because that's a high standard right? To check your identity, to check who you feel you are against the reality, the influence you have with other people. It's super hard and super scary. There's gonna be parts of your life where like, oh my God, I don't have, like, I don't have any influence with people. They don't like me. I don't have any leadership. Well then call a spade a spade and say, what do I need to learn about communication? What do I need to learn about leadership? What do I need to learn about persuasion? Because if you can get better at those, your self perception of yourself improves. You start feeling good about yourself when you're a better communicator. You feel better about yourself when you can lead other people. You feel better about others when you can influence them to support you, believe in you, buy from you, cheer you on, or at least improve their own lives. Because you want to know when your self perception goes to its highest. When you know that you're in service to others, when you know every single day that you show up to serve and lead and to care for and to be a role model for others. Your confidence comes in. Your perception aligns with the truth that you're here to make a difference. Your perception aligns with the truth that you are capable of helping other people. And when they see that you're helping other people and you feel like you're helping other people, that alignment of perception comes back into alignment. And you feel better about who you are because you recognize that other people are seeing your greatness. You can't be great if you don't lead. You can't feel great about yourself unless you care for other people, you serve other people and you seek to be a role model. These are the things that can align that self perception of what other people think and what you think. And gut check yourself once in a while because you're an extraordinary person. So start living like one.