Understanding the Power of Vulnerability

Sometimes it's right at the end you're like, oh my gosh, I should have asked because the project is due tomorrow. Well, if you'd asked for help on Monday instead of Friday at 4pm you might have been able to get some assistance. So be early in asking for help. You know, ask for help before you burn out. I really believe just by listening to new information or new ideas that spark, even if it just sparks common sense, sparks familiarity, helps us set up a new habit or reminding us to do something we already know that the effort of making self improvement a way of life is what does create real self awareness and self mastery and the ability to socially contribute at our highest levels. So I'm happy that you're here today. I suggest to a lot of my friends and my family and all of my clients this idea of assertive vulnerability. Now I know that a lot of people don't love this. This is a little bit different than the traditional concepts of vulnerability. And certainly in the last couple years as some academics have taken on the topic who weren't life coaches have used it in different ways and it's come to be popularized sometimes as sort of a passive thing, sort of as you know, vulnerability is just people think about it, sometimes as passive as victimhood, as just sharing, oh my gosh, here's what's going on in my life. And I don't like that take. And I actually think that that became memeified, if you will, in the social media age. But vulnerability is a very difficult, challenging and courageous thing. It's just that it's been discussed in ways that sometimes weren't what I felt to be assertive. And I think that there is a difference. And so let me share this concept of assertive vulnerability. And I bet you have a take on this topic as well. So I will always encourage you to do two actions when you hear anything in personal development. Number one is open up your journal and capture your notes, your ideas, your feelings on these topics of personal development. Because it is by journaling about personal development topics that we truly discover ourselves. And then also share your ideas in the community. Just go create a post of your own take on what vulnerability means or a time in your life when you've been vulnerable. And I think that then what happens in growth day is it becomes self reflective. And there's an aspect also of social learning. So I don't pretend to be the end all, be all expert on every topic in personal development. I just get to share my perspective, having done it for so long. But everyone's got their own hot take on this topic, and that's important because we all view growth in unique ways. For me, assertive vulnerability is an ability to lean from forward and be very direct in our expressions of our true thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, and dreams, even when it's uncomfortable. And what that means is you have the willingness and the courage to share those things. Now, in my high performance coach coaching work, it means something very specific. So I'm gonna give you four ideas here of what I mean by assertive vulnerability. Number one, starts with the guts and the directness to say, no, I can't. It's about setting boundaries. It's about saying, no, I'm sorry, honey, I can't take that on right now because honestly, I'm stressed out of my mind. It's about having the guts to say, you know what? No, team, we can't take that on because we're already overloaded. It's about saying, you know what? No, I can't help you right now because honestly, I'm so overwhelmed already. It's about direct, clear boundary setting. I don't know how sometimes people forget that vulnerability is. Is about that. It's not just about openly sharing what's going on in my life. It's also about setting a hard boundary. That's why I put that word assertive in front of vulnerability. Honestly, I don't think it was needed, but it certainly resonated with a lot of people when I started teaching it years ago. Because if vulnerability got cast as soft, I wanted to put a little bit of edge to it and go, no, no, that's bold to set a boundary, to put a stake in the ground and say, hey, I'm sorry, The answer is no, and here's why. And at the same time, being disclosing and transparent enough to say, I can't. Stressed, overwhelmed too much. These things are going on. Would love to. Or if you don't want to say, would love to just be honest. Like, you know what? That's not my thing. That's not my jam. I'm sorry, I cannot. It's vulnerable to be honest, that you can't take something on even if you want to. It's also extra powerful when you're willing to say, no, I won't take that on because that's not my thing. And I think it's a vulnerable position to put ourselves in, to have to keep other people at bay or to let them know they've got to consider our point of view. And it also demands that sometimes the listener is vulnerable. So they have to accept that we're saying no and we hold that line and that makes them turn their own face to the mirror. Sometimes it's not easy to set boundaries. That's why I call it assertive vulnerability number two, the direct willingness and need to ask for help. Boundaries are one thing. Asking for help and making the direct request for assistance is another. I know people who won't ask for help when they have family members passing. I know people who won't ask for help when they've been through something truly traumatic. I know people who won't ask for help when they're going bankrupt and they won't say anything about it because our identities are so much that we're supposed to be able to take care of ourselves, that we're supposed to be self reliant, that we're supposed to be to figure everything's out and do it on our own in such an individualistic society that it feels truly vulnerable to ask for help. And I'm like, no, I want you to be assertive. I want you to be. Here's what I tell all my high performers. Be early in asking for help. Be early in asking for help. I never want you to be late in asking for help because often then it's too late. It's too late to save the ship. It's like sometimes it's right at the end you're like, oh my gosh, I should have asked because the project is due tomorrow. Well, if you'd asked for help on Monday instead of Friday at 4pm you might have been able to get some assistance. So be early in asking for help. You know, ask for help before you burn out.

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Before you gotta figure out the thing. As many of you know I've taught, this became such a Big thing, you know, literally worldwide. I've taught that in Montana we have this saying, the time to have the map is before you enter the woods. What that means is get the map before you do the thing. Know where you're going. And getting the map means asking for one. Hey, do you have a map for this territory? I don't know how to do it. Asking for help way earlier and being direct and clear. And here's the most important thing for assertive vulnerability, repetitive in asking for help. Some of you send one text message and you think you asked for help. No. Maybe on the fourth or fifth one, I'll give you credit for asking for help, you know, because isn't it true people need to be followed up on? If you found that true to be in business that you have to follow up with someone to close a deal, well, guess what? You're trying to close someone on asking and trying to provide you for help. Never just send one text or one voice message or one email when you need help. Reach out consistently and repetitively. That's assertive and that's what gets you the results. Because often people don't get it when you're asking for help because guess what, they're also stressed and overwhelmed. And maybe you were on their agenda that day when you were asking for something and they just kind of missed it. Keep elevating it, keep bringing it up. That's vulnerability. That's guts. Third, big idea, assertive vulnerability. Get career mentors and coaches. It's a tremendous act of vulnerability for us to admit that we have egos and that we can't figure everything else on our own. But more importantly, there's a difference between asking for help and actively seeking a mentor. A mentor is somebody who can assist you, guide you or coach you over a period of time, not a one time need some help on this project. It's like could we talk on a recurring basis about my career or with many of you who know I'm a certified high performance coach. And many of you have worked with certified high performance coaches in the past. They're the highest level trained coaches in the world for long term achievement, positive relationships and well being. And we all act from the a lot of the science that you read in high performance habits. And one of the reasons people hire coaches over the long term is because they need some consistent reflection and thoughts and brainstorming and helping you figure out options. And whether you formalize it informally with a mentor who you talk to once in a while or you formalize it with a Coach who you are paying, that mentorship or that guidance or that coaching, depending on what situation we're talking about for you and your life and your career is important. And some of you, if you're a stay at home parent or caregiver, find someone who's done that before. Talk to them once a week. For those of you who are new and fresh in your career, who's that one person who's one level up in the organization who you can talk to about your career once or twice a quarter. For those of you who are entrepreneurs, who's that one entrepreneur in your local town who you can go get a lunch with or have a zoom with, who's already figured it out, who you can pay or you can buy lunch for or you can meet up with and get some of that advice, guidance, counsel, coaching that it's vulnerable to say, I would like some guidance. I know I don't know everything. It's humble and practicing humility. I don't, you know, that's not an incredibly, I would say popular virtue these days in our social media western world that, you know, approaching things as an apprentice, as a learner, that's a lost art. And I think it's assertive to seek that out, especially in our modern age. Fourth big idea is I call it the three Fs. The three Fs that you learn to openly, transparently and quickly speak about fear, feelings and faith. It sounds like this. Again, I said fear, feelings and faith. It sounds like this. I'm worried about this situation in the future. It makes me feel unsettled, but I'm hoping for this outcome. Can we talk about it? What do you think about that? I think when you ever express a fear that's vulnerable, that's courageous. When you ever express the feelings that come from our fears, our worries, our traumas, our difficulties, that's bold, that's vulnerable, that's courageous. When we talk about what we hope for in the future, that we have that future minded faith that hey, things are going to be better, I hope they turn out this way, I have faith for that. But you know what? I feel a little disheveled or distrustful or uncertain or my faith's been rattled here. That's so powerful. I spoke with a coaching client recently who had some very scary down quarters in their business and was expressing that he was worried that he's kind of lost faith in himself to be able to handle the situation, lost faith in his team to be able to handle the situation. I thought it was so brave for him to say that even though I'm his coach, it takes guts to admit when your faith is rattled. I have another friend right now who is going through a very challenging medical situation in his family and he's upset about it. We all get in that saber rattling moment with God once in a while like this is unfair. And to express that our faith in God or our faith in life has been shattered or rattled in some way, that's vulnerable. And sometimes it's in talking through those things with people that we find our faith again, or we find our confidence and our ability to figure things out, or we find our ability to just carry on into the future a little bit more, hopefully, faithfully, optimistically, that we often find as social beings that when we share our fear, our feelings and our faith, that a unique bond forms with other people. A different type of friendship relationship, a different level of vulnerability. And I say assertive because it's about being proactive to do those things. It's about not just hoping that someone holds space for you one day, but rather you create the space. You're the captain of the ship. You're the one willing to direct your thoughts, to express your feelings, to reach out for help. It asks a lot of you, doesn't it? Yes, it does. Vulnerability asks a lot of us. And that is why I say we've got to be assertive into it. We've got to be proactive into it. We've got to be willing to do it again and again and again as a deliberate practice, not a one time breakdown. When vulnerability becomes a deliberate practice, just like we talk about in high performance habits, when it becomes an assertive lean, something you will express to others in boundaries or feelings or requests for help directly, It's a different level of vulnerability. It's a different level of growth. Up in here, people. I hope that you enjoyed this session. Why don't you go capture something in your journal today? Is there something you should be vulnerable about with somebody and it's time to share or talk through? Is there a situation you haven't expressed? Is there just something you want to achieve and you want to start brainstorming some things you'd say to a mentor or as a request for help? Is there a fear, a feeling or a rattling of your faith that maybe it's time to talk with your friend, your confidant, your pastor, your mentor, somebody about? That's good stuff to capture in journals and this topic of vulnerability. It's a nice thing to share in the community too, because that's assertive and that's courageous. The more you capture your thoughts about personal development, the more you gain access to self mastery. I promise you. I promise you. The research shows it over and over and over again. By actively engaging in these types of conversations, by actively journaling or scoring our habits or sharing with community, we do develop greater confidence and resilience and motivation and sense of purpose and meaning in our lives. You get to do that today. You could do that every day, because every day is a great day to grow.