Workout: Conflict Management

I'm gonna take you through a conversation about conflict management. Every relationship in your life, this is gonna improve, even if you're not actually in conflict. But what I found is so many people have pain there and don't know how to deal with that, and it's frustrating that over and over they struggle. Now, I'm gonna teach you a framework here about managing difficult conversations, managing conflict, but you could use the same thing for a feedback session with somebody on your team. Doesn't have to be a conflict, but I'm going to frame it that way because it's a useful metaphor. But this might be just a better way to interact with people. I want you to think about the relationships in your life and maybe one where you are struggling to dial it in to make it better, to feel better. Now, this is. I'm going to share it in one sense, like, these are principles in relationship. But for those who are like, I don't know how to structure the conversation. Like, you need to go have a tough conversation with your partner, your spouse, a team leader afterwards. These could be literally the order of the conversation, like the order in which you would say things. So they're general principles. But if you needed to, this might be a good outline for you. Y' all with me. Say, I'm here. Okay? I love this stuff. So tune in. Let's work on the relationships in your life. Principle number one. Principle number one in all of relationships and all of conflict is to know the wins. Know the wins. What does that mean? It means what is winning in the situation for your partner or spouse? What is good for them? What is the outcome that they want? What's the win for them? Like, how would they be satisfied or happy with this process and conclusion. Please write those two things down, please. Process and conclusion. So I had the blessing of studying under Bill Wilmot, arguably the greatest peer mediator in the history of the world. He wrote an amazing book on mediation. Really powerful guy, taught me in college, and he taught me that most people, they're fighting about something and they think they're fighting for the outcome they want. You want them to put the dishes away every night, the outcome is dishes put away. And so that. That's the outcome. We think for you, winning seems like putting dishes away, right? We. We focus on what he called the content of the argument, the thin thing, the thing. But I ask you to write down process and conclusion. What most people are fighting about is the way they sense their identity and the relationship in the conflict process. You think you're fighting about the dishes. But really it is. You hate that he raised his voice. And what happens over a period of time, especially with couples, if they've been together for a long time, they're actually fighting way more about process, but they keep getting stuck on outcome. What it is is who am I in this and am I being treated the way I want? Who am I in this situation? Am I being treated the way that I want? And what most people actually want, the win for them. The win for them isn't just that they get what they want. It's that they feel heard and seen and respected. The win for most people is feeling heard and seen and respected. Say it with me. Heard, seen, respected. Write it down. Heard, seen, respected. That's a process. Win. You gotta win the process more often than you win the outcomes and you have good relationships. Let me say it again. You got to win the process more often in your relationships than the outcomes see. People keep score and what they think they're keeping score is, did I get what I want? Unconsciously, what we forget is they're actually keeping score is, did I get treated the way that I want? When you know this, that unconsciously, what they really want is about how they are treated more than what they are asking for or demanding. It's one of my secrets to the coaching. Process is understanding. Oh. Process is more important than outcome. Almost always.

Right.

Because there's always going to be stuff to fight about. Who's found this out the hard way, who's ever resolved one thing, and. And you thought you got 10,000 points for resolving that thing. And then in the very next hour, you lost 20,000 points about another thing and you're like, oh, my God, I thought we resolved. And now it's. There's always gonna be another thing to fight about. So I'm here to change your life forever in your mind, make it a huge shift, a radical shift, a forever shift. Win the process. Win the process. Win the process. They want to be heard, seen and respected. Say it with me. Heard, seen and respected. If you win that over and over and over again, you know what people start doing, Giving you what you want. More often, you in the process with someone over and over and over and over again, they turn into a giver. They almost can't help it. They're just like, oh, man, you're so great. What do you want? What do you want? Thank you for this. You're so kind. Wow. It's the way that we treat people, and I know everyone knows that, but I bet every time you're fighting, you immediately go to what you want. We go to outcome, not process. And that's where the majority of the mediations that I do and I used to do court referred mediations when I was in my twenties. Meaning a couple was getting a divorce and their lawyers or the judge decided to do a court referred mediation, which means they showed up and and now they're sitting on each side of the table and I'm mediating versus judgment. So I have to help them solve the answer. And it was so hard. But it didn't take that long in training to understand. Oh, often they're fighting about completely different things that they want, but secretly and unconsciously they're really fighting about process. I don't feel respected here, so I'm gonna hold all these things against you. I don't feel respected here, so I'm gonna hold all these things against you. I don't feel respected, so I'm gonna bring up all these things that happened three years ago to you right now. I don't feel good about the process. So let me pull out my bow and arrow and hit you up with every past hurt that you did. Anyone ever deal with someone with a better memory than you in a fight? Isn't that the worst? You think you're talking about this and she pulls this list out on you guys. Ever happened to you? You lost the argument because she had the memories and you thought, oh, I don't even remember that. And then you try to argue that and you realize she's right and then she pulls out another one. She's probably in process mode because she's not getting process from you. She's dumping old outcomes on you. Gentlemen, sometimes you're showing up wrong and as you're showing up wrong, you're attracting yourself a world of hurt. You're trying to win and convince her versus hear, see and respect.

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Sa.