192: Autism & ADHD is Not Genetic. Parents are programmed to fail! Don’t be afraid to look foolish! - Len Arucri

Hello again, everyone, and welcome to today's show. If you're one of the 130 million people that are dealing with Sirs Lyme disease, autoimmune disease, or other conditions that are impacted by mold on a daily basis, and you need to learn how to eliminate that exposure, then you're in the right place. My name is Brian Carr, and you're listening to Mold Finders Radio.

Hello again, everyone. I'm excited today. I always say I'm excited and then I always say that. I always say I'm excited. And at some point I feel like you guys are, like, annoyed with me, but I just kind of am excited to talk to people all the time. I don't know what to tell you. So today, today's a really cool episode. It's not like a, like a mold episode and it's not like the traditional, like, health topic episodes either that we've, that we've done in the past, but it's, it's a topic that I know a lot of people are dealing with, like, holistically. I know a lot of our clients specifically will maybe ask this person how many people generally are dealing with things like this in the grand scheme of things.

And it's going to help provide ways to manage difficult situations. I think is kind of the best way to, to set it up at the top. So I was lucky enough to be a guest on the Autism Parenting Secrets podcast with Len R. Curry, who is here with me today a little while ago, and we got to talking and he started talking about what we're going to talk about today. I'm like, this is awesome. You need to come on my pod and we need to do the same thing. So, Len, thanks for coming. I think this is going to be awesome. Really excited for this.

Me too. And sincerely, I've talked to you twice for my podcast. I'm always excited to talk to you, Brian. No exaggeration. And the topic is an important one, especially for the people who I'm looking to serve and trying to help them get better equipped. Mold as a potential root cause for what's perhaps behind what's going on with their child is just really, really. It's really interesting to see how lots of scientists and functional medicine doctors are all really converging on this huge potential root cause. That is really something that very few parents are doing anything about.

Yeah, I love to. So here's what I'm thinking for the flow of this. Maybe we talk about that for a little bit, but I really would love to get into Your world around. Around this topic we're going to talk about today, which is not so much how to heal. How to heal a child or how to heal a person from autism or other, you know, major challenges like that that might originate from mold. You know, we get it. We can maybe do a quick, like, like, quick primer on it and move on, but what's really cool about. About what you're doing and just everybody listening. Len sent me some information after our last pod, and I shared it with Corey and we looked at this. We're like, this is incredible what Len is doing here. And so his podcast is great, obviously, but he's also the founder of a company called All In Parent Coaching. And it's one on one support for parents who have a child with a major challenge like autism. And it's about helping parents get equipped to work with a child in that way or how to be. How to best serve that child or support that child. And there's a lot of, you know, after going through what you sent me, there's a lot of, like, you know, mistakes that everybody makes and these sorts of things. And, you know, a lot of times we just don't know these things until it gets brought up to us. And so I thought that this would be a really, like, amazing topic. You know, there's obviously autism and cognitive issues and things like that are connected to mold, which we talked about a lot on your show.

But, you know, how do we, how do we navigate just the life that, that we have to live when we're dealing with something like that? And that's where I think this can be really helpful. So.

Would love to, like, one minute on the mold autism connection from your point of view, and then I would love to just dig into your world on this stuff.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, yeah, and the reason I started there is because, you know, whether it's autism, whether it's some other condition, the key is, I know, you know, it's addressing root causes. And that's where, you know, when the journey started with myself and my wife Cass, when our son Ry was diagnosed, you know, going back to 2008. At the time, you know, big potential root causes that were talked about, you know, mainly centered on metals, like heavy metals, metal exposure, whether it's in, you know, vaccinations or whether it was in the amalgams, perhaps that a mother had that in their dental work, that somehow that there was a lot of people were suspecting that metals had a lot to do with it. And clearly metals are one of many Potential root causes. And so simply put, within this space, there's this concept of total load where there's a lot of environmental stressors, toxins out there. And for super sensitive kids who maybe had certain exposures early on, um, that is where so much opportunity lies, is if you can address the root cause of what's relevant for that child, everything can change. And that's where lately it's just been interesting from my vantage point to see so many different people converging on mold being like something that was just mentioned occasionally. You might hear about it to now where doesn't matter what their. The discipline is, the type of doctor or practitioner. So many people are converging on this. And I just think it's very noteworthy.

Yeah, it's, it's really interesting and wonderful that the point of view is expanding and trying to look at other things that could be contributing this stuff. And you know, we have all these issues that are going on and like, why are they happening now when they didn't used to happen? Right. It's like, you know, what's the reason here? Not to say that environment is always the reason. Right. But it's, it's where you spend literally all of your time. Right. So it's, it has a direct connection to you.

Okay, good. So for everyone listening, you got your mold fix now. Now I actually want to get into the meat of this and what I really liked about what you had sent over, and this is, it's funny because it's actually like just parenting in general, but it's almost like kind of shaped to this. Whereas, you know, parents, this is some things I took out of it are often unintentionally in the way of their child's progress and not because they mean to be, but because they're just not equipped, whether it's emotionally or mentally or mentally or tactically or whatever it is to be able to like recognize what's happening and understand like strategies and ways and things to handle those specific things in ways that actually benefit and serve the child, whether it's just being a child and growing up or dealing with tough things that are going on. And so I'd love to maybe start there. And obviously you do one on one coaching as well. So.

What is it about the way that you approach this that you feel like really resonates and helps people?

Yeah, well, I appreciate that. And overall you're 100% right when you talk about. And I fully believe that parents are not equipped for this, particularly for the journey of parenting a child with Autism. And I think it's even beyond not being equipped. It's that parents are programmed for failure. And so it really takes a lot for a parent to step out of that version of themselves, to be able to better respond and to make better decisions, whatever they happen to be, for the child. And kind of. That's where what I do is extremely unique. In a sense, I'm not just some parent who has a child who's made a lot, you know, great progress, and now I feel like I have the answers for other parents. Absolutely not. Autism is so incredibly individualized to that person as to what exactly is happening. And it took me many years and a lot to leave my corporate career to do this full time, but it's really all about not even the child. It's about the parent and helping the parent to transform into a much better decision maker, which means kind of taking whatever you thought parenting should be and maybe mindsets you had as parent, as a parent, or beliefs that you're holding and really checking in on those. Because if you basically do what happened with me, you know, you get this autism diagnosis, which is like a shovel to the head, and you have no idea, you know, no expertise, no. No sense that you can handle this, and you're desperately looking for the doctor or the person who's gonna fix your kid. You know, there is no doctor, there is no guru that's going to solve it. Which is why the. The greatest opportunity is for a parent to go from wherever they are, which isn't a lowly place, but to where they're really running on all cylinders and can discern what is happening with my child and what are the few things I can do that can really help meet my child, where they are, to help them thrive. It's not about recovering a child or, Or. Or anything of that nature. You know, there's a lot of terms that are thrown out there, but basically, whatever's happening with the child, if you as a parent can really discern what's going on and address the key root causes for them, that child can thrive. And I've seen it time and time again that when parents make this leap to this very different version of themselves, they make much better decisions. And their child with autism, which is supposed to be brain injury, and there's not much he can do, I see time and time again these kids making significant progress, some coming off the spectrum, and it's really because not only is the parent making better decisions, including addressing mold, if it is an issue, along with many other things that Might be relevant, but it's because the parent's exuding a different energy and the child's receiving a safer version of that parent, a calmer, more present, more loving version of that parent. Because. Because when you have an autism diagnosis, the trap I fell into is I would say kind of ridiculous things like, hey, I love my son, but I hate the autism. But that's where he was. You know, he had enough of those behaviors and symptoms that checked enough boxes that he had that label. And as long as I was looking at him and not accepting him as he was, just created an incredible amount of unnecessary friction.

It makes, I mean, thank you for sharing that. And it makes a lot of sense. You know, as you're talking through this, my, my social feeds have turned into a combination of two things. Basketball, because it's playoffs, and parenting tips from random people on Instagram saying, hey, your kid doesn't listen to you. Try these three things. And you know what? We try things like that all the time. And some of them land and some of them don't. Right. And this reminded me of that, but in a much more well thought out and comprehensive way, as opposed to like a 45 second video somewhere. But like, if anyone has seen that, there, there are different ways to handle situations that can be more effective for. For different, you know, circumstances. And I think that's what's so. What's so really cool about this. You said something about identifying root causes for them, meaning the kids. When. What do you mean by that? Can you talk about that a little more?

Sure. Well, with whatever's happening with a child, let's just say autism, because that is, you know, my heart goes out to those parents. That's the journey. I know, but this has nothing specifically to do with autism. But whatever the child is exhibiting, whether it's physical issues or whether it's behavioral challenges or lack of communication, you know, the list goes on and on. In terms of what those types of things might be that a parent will look at and say, listen, I'd rather my child not have these things, or I'd rather them not have these behaviors. And I definitely want more speech. There's a lot of things that a parent can look at that their child either is doing or isn't doing. And it's okay for a parent to want more. But if you really want to help your child with those behaviors or to improve communication, what I've learned is that everything that's happening with your child, there are always underlying root causes that are behind these things, aren't just happening randomly. And autism, as many people know, is not genetic. There's a genetic potential, like you have a genetic makeup that may make you more susceptible, but basically it's the interplay of your genetic blueprint and the environment, the environmental toxins and the experiences you have that the combination of those two for some kids put them at greater risk of then being harmed in some way, shape or form, or being challenged where certain developmental milestones aren't being met. And so again, it's about where your child is now and as a parent, having a curiosity about, well, why is my child not having speech, why is my child a non speaker? And that's where with that kind of a focus. Which brings us to what you and I talked about on my podcast, where it's a functional medicine approach, it's a systems approach, there's something happening. It's not like with autism. It's not just in the brain. There's a whole system here. Which is why the last thing I do when I coach parents is pretend to be a medical doctor. A big part of my coaching is to help a parent get connected and to hire that right practitioner who's a fit for them, because that's really important to have somebody who can advise you there. But I do help parents with taking what they're, let's say a functional medicine or a maps doctor is what they're called in the, you know, for kids.

With.

With challenges like autism and adhd. You know, it's to basically help a parent get more out of those practitioners and to be able to take what that practitioner might be suggesting, because they may suggest supplements or some approaches and make recommendations to the parent, but I really help the parent really understand and take ownership on what their best guess is as to what the root cause is. Now, just because you hire a medical doctor doesn't mean that you have to blindly accept everything they're saying. So everything I do is to try to put the parent, help the parent to get into the driver's seat and have many good advisors. But ultimately it's the parent who gets to make those decisions. And that's where it all comes down to better decision making. And so there's nothing wrong with in the autism space doing things that only address the symptoms, like behavioral therapy or even occupational therapy, speech therapy, fantastic services that you could do for a child. But none of them would say they're getting to the root cause of anything. So I help parents map what they're doing, services and other types of changes that they're making. But I also try to help them to deploy some of their resources, their time, energy and money on things that are addressing what might be at the root of what's going on with their child. And depending on what that child's experiencing, I have a lot of deep experience of what those potential root causes may be. And I'm sharing that with a parent so they can make better guesses and to channel their efforts in a much more powerful way.

What are some of those root causes outside of, you know.

Environment like that. But like, what are other things?

Sure. Well, I mean, and toxins are a huge category. So toxins of all kinds. You know, some kids are metals kids, where there's metals, exposure to lab testing confirms that. And then there's a whole bunch of approaches you could do to maybe help your child if they have metals toxicity. Mold, we don't need to talk about, like I said, that one is really gaining steam and more appreciation. You know, when it comes to food. You hear a lot of times, especially with kids with autism about special diets and, you know, just nourishing food and food that's not poison will benefit anybody. But particularly for kids, again, who might be more sensitive and may have a more compromised immune system, something like going organic is actually really, really important because one of those root cause toxins that's everywhere is glyphosate. So even if a parent doesn't want to do a special diet like gluten free, dairy free, we've done all those things and they're very inconvenient. I'd like to say that we were smart and decided to do those things because we sensed that they might be helpful. My son had true allergies to everything, so we didn't even have a choice and we had to do all very restrictive diet. But for a lot of the parents that I'm coaching, if they want to play defense against toxic food, going organic and eating food that doesn't have pesticides, doesn't have chemicals, and especially glyphosate, which is, as I'm sure you know, like an insidious antibiotic, basically is a powerful thing. And for some kids, just going organic can make a huge difference in those behaviors and in what that child might be experiencing. So it really depends on what the challenge is. And there's a whole litany of root causes. You know, when it comes to speech, just because I brought it up, you know, a lot of what's becoming known now is that especially with kids or even adults who are non speakers, and that's the thing that parents want a lot for their child, but for a child that doesn't speak, that can be really hard for a parent. If you talk about what's the root cause of why a child might be a non speaker. What's really become known over the last few years especially is that there's this fine motor issue that some of these kids have that make it a real challenge. And that's why it's incredible where with letterboards and approaches like spelling to communicate rpm, there's a few other ones that are out there. These kids who most people would look at, including their own parents and say, my child, I love them, but they're in a totally different world. They don't understand anything that's happening. Profoundly autistic, but yet with this letter board, even though they're not demonstrating that they understand, they understand everything and now have a way of communicating non verbally. And they've, you know, these parents have rediscovered their, their kids. They didn't realize what was really in there. Right, right. Living in their own house. So it's been incredible that with this understanding of this fine motor root cause, you know, the lives of these kids and these families has been profoundly changed. J.B. hanley wrote a book called Underestimated. I think it's the one that's hovering over my head and it really talks. So that's just another example where if you just focus with curiosity and unearth more and more the root cause of what's relevant for your child, it totally opens up so much more opportunity.

So I heard in that what feels like two different definitions of root cause. So I love to like. So one of them it seems like, and you tell me if I'm understanding this right, is that it's essentially a formula of, of genetics kind of making, allowing you to be, you know, to, to be more susceptible to something and then having an external trigger, an environmental trigger of some kind that then causes that. And so then that becomes the root cause of just the overall issue, for lack of a better term, I guess. And then when you were just talking about the non motor, what I was hearing was less of a root cause of why somebody might. Or sorry, when I non speaking, not non motor why someone. Not the root cause for why they might be having the non speaking issue, but the actual mechanism for why it's manifesting that way in that child. Is that right? Am I kind of hearing that right?

Well, I think I use it loosely and it can take a few different forms. What you started with though is basically my view And I know others share it of the. Of what is autism. Right. And that's basically this total load theory that I mentioned, where there's a genetic susceptibility, but there has to be then some environmental trigger or triggers. More than likely, there's no one trigger. So even if a child does have metals exposure as an example, there's likely other root causes that are. That are at play. So I use it where that term all applied to whatever might be happening with a child that a parent would like to improve or to change. You know, for some. Some kids, it's like very restrictive eating habits, picky eating. You know, for my son, he had more of a lot of the. The textbook or hallmark signs of autism, like head banging and significantly repetitive behaviors, OCD like behaviors, what's called stimming. So these behaviors and these things that kids do that are not socially acceptable would not be tolerated in a classroom. As an example, I've learned that none of those types of behaviors are random. None of them are because the kid's trying to be difficult. There's something that's happening. There's something at the root of what's resulting in that child exhibiting those behaviors or engaging in those activities. And if you really approach it and put yourself in your child's mind, like, how are they taking care of themselves? Because that's basically what they're doing, again, that just opens up a totally different train of thought. And most of the time, almost all the time, there's simple, easy things that you can do that don't require a lot of investment of time, energy, and money that could improve the situation and again, meet your child where they are.

It's really interesting. It. Even some of the behaviors you just described, right. Like, we started this talk about autistic. It's a very significant thing. Right. But some of the behaviors you're describing are not necessarily like, I have a significant autism problem, per se. Right. It's, you know, I mean, my. One of my kids has this thing about washing her hands all the time and gets very, like, very upset if I try to get her to not wash her hands. And in turn, like, her hands start getting really dry and they start hurting. And it's like. It's like almost she can't, like, not do it. Right? And so, like, what you were saying, like, kind of resonated with me a little bit there. And, you know, she's not someone who you would ever think is, you know, on a spectrum or something like that. Right. But. But at the same time, you have like these behavioral things.

So I'm now, like, going down a whole new road in my head. But, you know, for.

Your daughter's hand wash, this isn't just to stick with that for a second. I would say that's a behavior again where there's a really good reason why she's doing that. And that's where, you know, one of the better books to come out recently is Dr. Neil Nathan. He wrote the Sensitive Patient's Healing Guide. And he talks in there where basically for these kids and for all of us really, like, it's all about we do things to keep ourselves safe. Because to his point, you can't heal, you can't improve if you don't feel safe. And so that's where there's some story that your daughter is telling herself or there's something behind why she's doing that. And what Dr. Nathan talks about in his book is that you have to address concurrently the limbic system, the vagal tone, as well as the mast cell activation system. It's like those three systems all are important, and really, especially for kids with autism, you have to do something across all in each of those three areas. And if you do that, that's where you could see real significant improvement in the sense of safety the child feels. Then all those other things you're trying to do, the therapies and all that, have a much better chance of actually know, helping if you address this underlying lack of safety that a lot of these kids feel.

It's. I mean, that's so interesting. My wife and I were talking about this particular thing the other day. Like, why does she feel like she has to do this? And we landed on. She's a Covid kid. She was when Covid hit and she was two and a half or so, and it was, wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands. We don't. You gotta wash your hands. You know, and then it was the masks, and everybody was afraid of being around other people and all this stuff. And it's actually like a germ thing as opposed to like a hand thing. Right. And that's kind of the. The conclusion that we kind of came to without talking to anybody, you know, to help guide us there. But that was sort of what we thought might be the thing. It's interesting you're saying, you know, it's a safety thing. It's a story. Story they're telling themselves. Yeah, I mean, there was a. A very big fear around that time and like a not safe feeling that everybody had. And I wonder if that if that.

Might be the thing, I think you're on to something. And so, and so going back to your question about 10 minutes ago, in terms of what are those some potential root causes? The two uber root causes where everything leads to are chronic inflammation. And if you have chronic inflammation, okay, that's where things like toxins, mold, metals, all that will lead to that state of chronic inflammation. So that's one. And then the second one is, I think what you just touched on, it's trauma. It's either it's unhealed emotional, perhaps physical trauma. A lot of it's not a coincidence. A lot of the parents I coach their child, there's. There's birth issues. Right. Whether it was a emergency C section that happened to be the case with my son, or just, let's just say a more challenging or stressful birth process.

It seems to be a significant characteristic of kids who ultimately are on the spectrum or have allergies. So again, if there's dozens and dozens of potential root causes, and that's why it's so wildly individualized, but the two uber ones are trauma and chronic systemic inflammation. And so I think what you just described with your daughter leads more to that traumatic experience of how people were. What was that environment she experienced during.

COVID Yeah, I mean, she, she was just in school. Everything was just like, everything was fear everywhere. And it was like every time you went into your classroom, you know, there it was like, really intense, you know. Well, that gives me another rabbit hole to go to after this.

Let's, let's talk about how you work with parents. And like, I know you have a framework and, you know, the, the parent is a tree kind of metaphor that you've worked through. Love to like, kind of hear that. And for me, that kind of felt like this is sort of, this is kind of the framework of how somebody, how a parent sort of helps to transform from one place to the next in, in the way you broke this down. So, so love to, Love to hear about that.

Yeah. Thank you. I'll keep it as high level as I can, but again, everything that I've dedicated my life to is about the parent helping the parent to go from where they are to a. An unrecognizable version of themselves, basically, to be the parent that they know that they can be, to really reach their potential. Because every. Everyone wants to be perceived as a great parent. Right. We all do. But there's not that many people, it's the minority, who are actually willing to do what it takes to actually be a parent who makes great decisions. And that's why there's so many derailers that can, you know, each individually takes away the parent's power. It's basically the parent surrendering their power. Because, again, we've been conditioned to defer to decision makers. Do what you're told. So just like we talked about root causes about what's going on with these kids, I'm really focused on what's at the root. What are the root causes of why a parent right now is not in the best position to make great decisions? Because, you know, one, some parents don't do anything. They just check out. They get the diagnosis, they believe what people say, that there's not much you can do, and they just, you know, basically do do nothing. And, you know, I'm not here to judge anyone, but I just know, and I'm so excited to know that there's so much a parent can do that can help their child, that checking out just once you get the diagnosis doesn't help anybody. And then at the other extreme is really where I was with my wife, where we had the means back then, and we basically threw money at anything that might help our child, you know, indiscriminately. And that's not a recipe for success either, by the way. So the key is to really get at the root of what's going on with the parent, because we all come into parenting programmed in a certain way. And I've just learned that there's five aspects of how a parent's navigating. They're all important. And every parent is going to have superpowers in some areas and have huge areas of improvement in others. And really, those five just very quickly are. Mindset is super important. And that's why one of the things about what I do and what you do, I think there's a lot of mindset issues that our clients may have that prevent them from either making good decisions or implementing something that was agreed to. So mindset's always a focus. The second area where I spend most of my time with clients and on the podcast, a lot of episodes are dedicated are the are the beliefs that a parent's holding. So the mindset going back to that, that's the trunk of the tree. And if you visualize a tree, the beliefs, those are the roots of the tree. These are below the surface. None of us are really in touch with what our beliefs are. They're below the surface. We're not really conscious of them. And it's those beliefs that a parent's holding about autism or about their child or about their spouse or about themselves. Or it's those stories that we tell ourselves that create most of the friction that make this journey to support a child with autism feel so heavy. So the belief work, the soil of the tree is really, really important. And that's where very few parents ever have true awareness of what those stories are, let alone to change them. But once you do have awareness, you can change in a heartbeat. It doesn't take you decades to unlearn a belief you've held for decades. You can do it in a heartbeat. So the belief work is really important. Then the third area is the soil surrounding the tree. And that's the environment. That's everything we talked about. Toxins in the air, food, water, it's also toxic. People that might be in the environment that you need to do what you can to, you know, create an environment around you and your child that, that is supportive, that feels, that allows them to thrive. And then the fourth area of the tree are the leaves of the tree. And that's really the knowledge that a parent has and then the actions that they're taking. And that's where, you know, it's easy to do nothing or it's easy to do too much. There's a sweet spot of doing a few things that you really believe are going to help your child the most and doing them well as opposed to doing 23, 20 things half assed. So that's where there's an art to how do you channel your effort in the most meaningful way. And that's where you can address whatever you feel is right, but at least have some of your efforts focus on a root cause or root causes, is how kids with autism can make huge progress. And then the final, the final, the fifth area is the fruit of the tree. That's what you're going after. That's the vision you have for your child, what you're hoping for them. That's the vision that you have for yourself as a parent. And then breaking that vision down into manageable goals. That's something very few parents, that very few parents use goals in a meaningful way. And that's also part of the coaching to help them do that in an effective way. And so that's basically the five areas. And you know, a parent can be stuck because of some root cause issue in any of those five areas.

And it sounds like when you're saying like, like the core beliefs are, are what you see as like the most frequent area where there's issues.

Absolutely. The journey feels heavy because of the friction that these beliefs come with because there's some belief, and I don't believe that there are good beliefs and bad beliefs. They're just, they're either beliefs that are supportive of what, of who you are now and where you want to go and beliefs that just get in the way. And that's where, again, parents can shift so quickly if they're aware of what those stories are. And that's, again, that's, that's the beauty of this portion of the work is that this is where parents can leap to this very different version of themselves very, very quickly.

You know, that piece reminds I. First off, I completely agree with you. We all tell ourselves stories and most of them aren't true. And there was just, I don't know why this like, flash in my head, but there is an episode I did on New Year's like a few years ago, and I was basically trashing New Year's resolutions because for, for it was actually really fun, like, rant that I went on. But at one point I talked about like, what my, what my morning looks like and when I wake up and what I do in the morning. And so for me, I have to get up before the kids or I don't get to work out. Like, that's it. Like, my day is gone. If it doesn't happen at 5 o', clock, it doesn't happen. And so like, like I know that that's it. And I think at the time I was even waking up at like 4:30 or something because I was stacking like, like red light panels and other things like while I was doing stuff. And so somebody had like texted me on my, in my text group or whatever, and they were like, how do you wake up that early? Like, I can't wake up that early. And I just saw that and it was, I can't wake up that early. It's like, no, you can't. You're telling yourself you can't wake up that early, right? And so I did this whole thing and I was like, it's like, it's not about like, I'm gonna try to work, I'm gonna try to wake up in the morning. Like, you telling yourself you're gonna try to do something is you telling you're giving yourself an out to not do it and not be accountable, right? And so what I talked about on that particular episode was what I, how I talk about what I do. I'm like, I wake up at four, whatever, to work out Just what I do. That's it. And now if I don't do it, I'm like going against, like, who I am now, like what I do, you know, and just like that little thing for me, that's such a small thing, waking up in the morning so I could work out or whatever. But it's like that little phrase of like, you know, I try to get up early before the kids. Well, if you. Then you. Most of the time you're probably not. Or like, I get up before the kids. It's like, I get up before the kids. This is what I do, right? And these little things are so powerful. So you're talking about that and saying that it's one of the biggest parts of this that you see, it just makes so much sense because, like, we just, we tell ourselves so many things that we don't realize that we're telling ourselves, and it's crazy. It's crazy.

It's absolutely true. And that's a perfect example where, yeah, we get to choose our beliefs. And that's where once you become aware of what you're believing, only then could you actually notice all the evidence that's out there that this new belief is true. But if you're not aware of it, then you'll keep telling yourself that story habitually, you know, that, yeah, I can't get up at 5 o'. Clock. You know, again, you'll just stay stuck in that way. And so, you know, it wouldn't be surprising to you. Like, just like with root causes, there's a few huge ones here. It's the same thing with beliefs. There's a few beliefs that just wreak so much havoc. And again, the beauty here, because there's so much about autism where there's so much that a parent can't control and things that are being done and that you just, you know, there's no way you can influence it or at least that you have no control over. But you know, your beliefs, that those are yours, you are, whether you realize it or not, you have the power to choose what beliefs you hold. And that's where, again, very few parents do this work. But those who do free up an incredible amount of friction. And that's where real, true freedom lies, is when you can actually design your life, you know, based on a set of beliefs, not just happy stories that you're telling yourself, beliefs that you know are true or more true than the stories that you may have told yourself before.

I imagine you hear the same ones consistently. What are some of the like Top two or three that you hear a lot.

It took me about eight years to develop an assessment that's really detailed where right off the gate, right out the gate with clients I unearth, help them unearth what those specific stories are that they're telling themselves, which again, that are not on their radar, but at a very high level. I'll just give you one big one. The big uber belief that a parent is holding that's likely causing a lot of friction and stress is this variation of a belief that my child is broken, right? So my child is broken, I need to fix my child, my child's not enough. There's some version of that. And again, it's very understandable because you're basically given a diagnosis that is telling you your child's broken. So. But if a parent's holding that right, then again that's going to manifest in so many ways that going back to what I talked about earlier with Dr. Neal Nathan, it's going to create an environment of that child not really feeling safe with someone who's judging them is not enough. And I used to say I had my own kind of therapy sessions and counseling sessions. And I remember one of them, I said to the person who is there guiding me that I love my son, but I hate his autism, as I mentioned. And that's where it's like, okay, well what is it? Am I inviting my son closer to be more connected with me or am I pushing him away? And that's where belief like my child is broken may sound obvious and very understandable. But the shift that I was able to make and that I helped many parents make is that, you know, I don't have to view my child as broken. I don't have to judge him as broken. I could just say, hey, I love my child as they are right now. Sure, my, my child has huge challenges. Yes, I want more for him. But it, but by viewing it through the lens of brokenness just creates this energetic state and just overall a level of non acceptance that is going to permeate through that whole relationship. And you know, I used to say early on that what I most wanted was for autism to be out of my life. I just, it was like a war against autism. But that, that wasn't what I most wanted. What I most wanted, I wanted to be connected with my son. You know, I wanted, I wanted to be connected with him. I wanted him to feel connected with me. And how could that really happen if I was judging him as broken? So that's where there's A. So. So it's not about you saying, hey, my child's perfect. I'm not going to do anything. It's about that, you know, just going for true acceptance, unconditional love, and more of a lightness where you're actually pleasant to be around with your child, to invite them to want to become more part of our world. Because that's ultimately what's so painful about autism is these kids are in a totally different world, usually like my son not wanting anything to do with our world. And, you know, if. If I wanted to make a great invitation for him to come more into my world, it had to start with me to. I had to stop judging him as broken. So that's one specific belief. And there's a lot of variations on it, but that wreaks a lot of havoc.

Wow.

What.

So there's, It's. There's this balance, it sounds like, between more like functional medicine and getting support on that side, as opposed to the coaching component here. I imagine even therapy work or something possibly. Like, where's the interplay and the balance between all of these things?

Well, there are definite few components that are at play here. That medical side of it is super important. And again, the key there is to get the. For a parent to be. To hire the right person and to have a relationship that's respectful and that works. But otherwise, again, it just really is so individualistic to a parent. What's the biggest stressor for, like, so right now, I'll just take an example of two parents I'm coaching now, mom and a dad. And, you know, if I look at them compared to some other client, I mean, the root causes of what's most in that that family's way are going to be wildly different. For some parents, it is mom and dad not being at all on the same page, kind of undercutting each other. And that could be a huge, you know, root cause of why right now in that family, there's a lot of, you know, unnecessary stress. But otherwise, you know, it really. It can vary so wildly. But it's basically, that's where the coaching is all about, ascertaining what is for this particular family, the most, creating the most stress, anxiety, and really kind of going back to. I think what I was hoping we would talk about is, is there's this first step of awareness, awareness of what's going on with your child, awareness of what the options are. And I think that's where for my families that I coach, it's all about decision making, and it's the same thing with mold and where with some of the clients I coach, where if that's something that they know is an issue or they suspect is an issue, there's a lot of stuff that can get in the way of them taking action. And so just going back and using it as an example, because I know your audience is familiar with it, but you know, to really understand the, the, the, the consequences of a mold environment, a toxic mold environment, if unaddressed. Right. And then, so, so what are the consequences and then what are the benefits? And I think a lot of times we all as people when it comes to decision making, we make a huge mistake. We only focus on the short term. We're focusing on the short term. Okay, how much is this going to cost me short term? Am I going to see results really quickly or is it going to take a while? And short term focus of the decision making takes, it's incomplete and it takes so many things off the table. So a big part of the coaching that I do is to help parents to have short and long term considerations for costs and benefits and then they can make a better decision as to is this something that's worth doing? So I just feel like there's a lot of aspects of where I see parents getting stuck on what's going on with their child and how they can help. That's very relevant for that specific issue, that if mold is an issue, what can prevent parents from taking action? And so I think that lack of awareness and then factoring in the long term is one and then a second one is just, you know, I look at it as like the bar test, because especially for a dad, you know, a dad needs to be able to explain to his buddies why they're doing something like whether it's going gluten free or whether, you know, tearing up their house, you know, doing mold remediation, it's the same thing. Unless, unless that person can explain it to his buddies, he's not going to go for it. You'll find all kind of ways not to make that decision. And that gets to another huge driver of all decision making. You know, more than the benefits of making a great decision, people are really more fueled by being terrified of looking foolish, of being embarrassed. Right. And that, you know, tearing up your house for mold, spending a lot of money on mold remediation. Some people may feel that, you know, like that, that make, that's a foolish thing, especially if their child or their family doesn't improve significantly. So there's this driver behind the decision Making where I think parent people generally, and I put myself in all these categories, you know, terrified of inconvenience, terrified of looking foolish. And that's where if you really factor in, you know, short term and long term considerations, you know, benefits and consequences or costs, you can make a much bigger, better decision that you can feel good about. But it might be one that's unpopular. So you need to be able to, to make a bold decision and be okay if other people are judging you as crazy or reckless or whatever the case may be.

That is. It's such a good insight. I see it all the time too and I talk about it too. It's, it's fear based decision making. Like being in a fear mindset. It doesn't, it doesn't serve anyone. And it's also a balance between the short term and it's like when you, when you're living in a, in a fear kind of sphere in terms of like mindset and when you're starting to make decisions, then every decision that you're considering, you're thinking of the worst possible scenario that can come from that. And so the examples you just gave, yeah, we're going to, you know, remediate the house, but we're not going to find anything. And it's like, well, what if you do right? And you don't actually know that you're not going to find anything. But then you almost start, you start believing what you're putting down, you know, now you're starting to believe the future story. You're like future facing fear on yourself and then in doing so it's altering your current person, like current use point of view on how you're doing things off of stuff that's never even happened and likely will never happen in the future. It's it this whole like this whole way of how our minds think and what people do and how they think about things. I just think it's so interesting and there's so many of us, including myself, that go through days and these computers in our head are, it's almost like they're wired to do harm in some way for some reason. But at the end of the day it actually ties back to what you said earlier. And I actually think that this is really why. It's because of, of the need for us to feel safe. Right. And so there's safety in the known and there is not safety in the unknown. And with the unknown now becomes fear. And there's a possibility of some sort of lack of safety, whether it's financial stability or relationship. There's all different types of to safety. Right. And so I think, I think when you said time back, like there's two main things and that being one of them, I think is like so important to really like unpack a lot of the thought processes we have and the decisions we make and all that stuff. Yeah, it's very, very.

Very insightful conversation that you're having here on like more of a meta level, as opposed to like specific tactics, which I think is really cool.

Yeah, no, absolutely. It's all about energy management. And just simply put, it's easy to spend an incredible excessive amount of time either futurizing how things are going to play out negatively or pasteurizing. Looking at the bet in the past. Shame, guilt, regret. And again, you can feel whatever you want to feel. But to make great decisions, you need to be in the present, look at things objectively and, and that means sometimes taking action again that other people don't understand or may not be cheering you on. But again, it's not about doing X, Y and Z. It's about a parent just discerning what is right for my child. And that's where a lot of what I do is just giving parents the space for them to discern that. And I have a lot of tools that help them do that. But again, I don't think any parent's going to benefit from someone who thinks they have all the answers. Hey, do X, Y and Z. It just really. Again, there's nobody who knows their child better than the parent. And this is all just about how can they get to a much better place where they can make great decisions, whatever they may be for their child, and not waste their value, the most precious thing they have, which is their time spent on things that just aren't helping anybody.

Yeah. So who's the right parent to reach out to you? Like, what are the signals or the signs that like, might indicate that they're ready to do this type of work?

Well, the one on one coaching, you know, again, it would benefit any, any parent of a child who's experiencing a challenging situation. But really, the podcast, you know, that's been going on for four years now. I know. Just like with yours, I mean, I spent a lot of time making sure those episodes are really in themselves useful. So a lot of the concepts, the perspectives and even the, the ways and these, these maybe different beliefs to check in on, it's all in the podcast so people can go there on all major platforms. Autism, parenting secrets, it's the podcast. And then for the coaching. You know, really, I mean, I'd like to say there's one profile, but basically, the one unifying element of the parents I coach are these are parents who are all in, which is why that's what it's called, all in coaching, all in parent coaching. And that means they want the ball. Right. They know that there's no one who's going to come to save them. They want to make the. And again, I didn't want the ball early on. I wanted anybody to fix my kid because I did not trust myself at all. But it's for parents who know more is possible for their child. They want to have that ownership. They want to be the CEO of what's going on with their child. And again, that means at least someone who is willing to do inconvenient things to perhaps go down a different path. And again, as I mentioned at the outset, it's for parents who truly are committed to being the best parent they can be for their child that needs them, as opposed to parents who are only willing to do what other people will approve of. Because the last thing I'll share is that autism is a uniquely challenging journey for parents, particularly a child with profound autism and the whole autism industry. It's like a hamster wheel where basically nobody gets better because it's a diagnosis. As you know, it's not a disease. It's a diagnosis based on checking enough boxes of symptoms. The purposes of getting a diagnosis that helps you to get.

Insurance coverage for services that address those symptoms. Right. So there's nothing about the root cause at all. It just basically, you know, it's designed really for parents and the child to stay stuck. But again, I see time and time again these kids can make. They all can improve. And even if it's just an improvement in terms of the family dynamic, there's so much that can happen there. But I see time and time again kids making huge improvements, but only when the parent gets unstuck first. If the parent's in fight or flight, it's really hard for any meaningful progress. And that's why I'm just so committed to helping these families who want to be the best parent they can be, but they just don't have a roadmap or the right tools. And that's basically the coaching.

Yeah.

One last question.

Very short question.

Is autism fixable?

Well, I would say yes.

The reason I say that is it depends how you define autism. But can the diagnosis go away? Absolutely. Can all those things that feel hard about autism get better without A doubt. That's again, why there's so much opportunity here. And I say that sincerely, things can improve for your child or for yourself in profound ways, but not if you just kind of sit on your hands and don't think there's work for you to do as a parent again to get to a stronger place, which any of us can do. So that's again, that's where the coaching and the one on one nature is really important. I played around with membership communities and group coaching. You know, parents of a child on the spectrum don't want to be in a class with other parents. You know, like, it's so individualistic. That's why the one on one is so key. So. So, yeah, so the way I coach parents now is extremely powerful. And again, for anyone who's looking to explore whether it's a good fit for them, elevatehowyou navigate.com is where they can go. And again, it's my honor to walk alongside parents. And it's incredible the change I see in parents rapidly when they get the right support.

Awesome.

Well, let's end it on that because I think that is a, a nice hopeful vibe to end it on. Len, thanks so much for coming on this. This was awesome. I knew it was going to be awesome. And it's different from what, at least what my people are used to hearing all the time. And hopefully, hopefully there's value in this. I know that there is. I pull value out of it. And, and I'm not necessarily one of probably your core demo people that would be reaching out to you. So this is like a really, really awesome chat and thank you so much for sharing everything. How do people find you if they want to hear? Obviously we talked about the podcast, this, autism, parenting secrets. Anything else? Any other places, any. Anything else?

Nope. Just elevate how you navigate.com but anybody can reach out to me directly. Len, all in parent. Again, I'm just committed to helping parents as in whatever way is right for them so people can reach out to me directly. And again, Brian, I really appreciate what you do. Again, it's a huge growing issue. I love that I can share our episodes with my clients with. With our listeners. So. And I love that you have your podcast. I think it's dynamite. So keep going.

Awesome. You too, man. Appreciate it. We'll talk to you soon.

You bet.

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