Mental Health Matters Memorial day episode
In this live‑stream episode of the Mental Health Matters series, host Brooke Cheney welcomes viewers for a Memorial Day‑themed discussion about honoring fallen service members, veteran suicide prevention, and coping with grief. Brooke explains the distinction between Memorial Day and Veterans Day, shares the Aiming for Zero veteran suicide‑prevention program, and cites statistics that two‑thirds of gun deaths are suicides and roughly 22 veterans die by suicide each day. The conversation moves into a detailed look at the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—interwoven with Brooke’s personal stories of losing her grandparents, sister, and father, as well as her current experience caring for a mother with dementia. Co‑host DJ contributes quotes (e.g., FDR) and helps enumerate the grief stages. The hosts discuss how grief can be non‑linear, using metaphors of trees growing around barbed wire and plants surviving adversity, and they highlight community coping mechanisms such as flag‑laying at graves, animal‑rescue work, and sharing stories in the chat. Throughout, the episode emphasizes the importance of remembrance rituals, community support, and practical tools for managing grief and mental health, while also noting production details (e.g., removal of intro due to YouTube policy).
Chapters
There it is! Hello everyone, welcome to Mental Health Matters. It is Saturday night, unless you're watching the replay, and then it is no longer Saturday night. It's whenever you are, wherever you are. So welcome to Mental Health Matters. My name is Brooke Cheney. Oh look, my name is right here in case you forget it, but it's also right there, so there's that too. Um, it is Memorial Day weekend and Why are we here? Well, Memorial Day weekend, we are here remembering those who have fallen in the line of duty and/or were injured in the line of duty, which then caused them to die. Um, funny, fun facts for this weekend. So I have crib notes so I don't screw this up because I have plenty of veteran friends who explain these things to me. And if you do not have enough veteran friends, let me tell you, here's the deal. Memorial Day is the last Monday of May, which is in 2 days because today is Saturday, unless it's the replay, then it's whenever. And military personnel who died in service of their country. Now here's the thing where people get cranky. If you don't know this and you don't have enough veterans for friends or people who are currently serving, Veterans Day is our day. November 11th honors all military veterans, anyone who has served the U.S. Armed Forces, whether during war or peace, and whether they are living or deceased. So for those of you who will see folks in uniform at the parades and everything on Monday, do not thank them for their service. That is not this holiday. This holiday is thanking the families who are left behind after we've lost our soldiers. So in case you were wondering and you didn't already know, now I am wearing my Aiming for Zero shirt. Aiming for Zero is a suicide prevention program that is aimed at our veterans. And Saturday night, why are we here? Because 2 out of every 3 gun deaths we hear about are suicides. So every Saturday night since 2018, I come on here and I chat with you folks for a couple minutes here and there. Used to be 5 or 10. Y'all have gotten chatty with me, so now it goes to 10 or 20, but I still try to keep it short because time is our most precious resource. So aiming for zero. There's roughly 22 veteran deaths a day from Suicide. On this weekend, where we are going to be— traditions, right? Visiting cemeteries and memorials. Flags are placed on graves, especially in national cemeteries. Parades in many cities. And, um, I didn't know this until I did my little research here, but there's supposed to be a national moment of remembrance at 3 PM local time. Um, so this is one of those things we are always learning. We're always learning a little bit more about the things that we don't know. So unofficially marks the start of summer, um, and people have barbecues and other outdoor activities and family gatherings. So whether you're a veteran or not, um, we are memorializing the losses of life due to war. And war sucks because people always die in war. No matter who wins, there's always people who are going to be dead after a war. So Memorial Day is our weekend to honor the families who are left behind and thank them for their sacrifice, whether it was somebody's husband, son, um, daughter, whoever it is, and remembering that Just like when we're talking about our mental health stuff, we want to remember the things we've screwed up in the past and we want to make them better. That's my sweet, kind way of saying, um, everything that you have is due to the fact someone died for your ability to have it. Our freedom here in America is because my ancestors, maybe your ancestors, died in wars to get us to where we are currently. If we had the opportunity to wave a magic wand so that there were no more wars, that would be really awesome. However, until that day, on this weekend, it is a time to reflect and realize the price of our freedom and the sacrifice of so many families in today's day and age and all of our ancestors prior to now. Pretty heavy stuff, right? Happy Saturday. You know, I'm usually very happy, bubbly, all of those things, and I still want us to be happy and bubbly, but there is always that time for reflection. Um, for those of you who are not in America, I will say that go to DC if you get a chance and go to the war memorials. And I haven't visited all of them, but I will say the Vietnam War Memorial is the one that I know the most about. And it is a giant black slab, and the idea behind it is it's supposed to look like a gash in the earth. Because all of the names on there are people who are lost in the war. And there's a lot of names just on that one war memorial, and it's very striking, and it gives you pause to realize how many people died for your freedom here in America. And there's just so much that we could go into. My son is actually an amazing war buff. I should have— if I was thinking, I probably would have had him on tonight But World War I was supposed to be the war that ended all wars, and that would have been lovely if we could have just one last war and be finished with it and be done. That'd be great. However, we haven't made it there. So when it comes to mental health matters and talking about Memorial Day and remembrance of those who have been lost, we should do everything we can to help those who are still here. Including ourselves. We should do everything that we can to come to peace and find a way to make our world a little bit better. And when I say our world, I'm even talking about right here in your own noggin and my own noggin. What can you and I do to make our world a little bit happier? Because if you and I are a little bit happier, our little bit of happiness grows and the people around us get to be a little bit happier. And if we lead by example and we make our world a little bit better and those around us are a little bit better, then maybe it can be contagious and we can keep this going, which is another reason why I come in here on Saturday nights and chat with all of you folks. Now, I am blessed enough to have my cohort, Mr. DJ, in here with me, and I am purposely ignoring the contact con— comments completely. They're hidden. I don't even see them popping by. Um, and DJ is going to welcome everybody in and say hi to everybody. And he told me when I told him what the purpose and how we're going to talk tonight that he had things to say. So Mr. DJ, if you'd be so kind to say hi to the couple folks that I have seen commenting— or no, it says that there's a couple people out there, so you know the drill, you do the thing.
Right on, thanks Brooke. Uh, most recently in the room I see Hillbilly Up is out there saying howdy to everyone. And before that, Viejo came into the room. Mike Ballinger is also out there. Sorryfan93 has joined us tonight. And early in the room we had The Crappy Turtle, and maybe if she's still awake, Chasing Ghost is out there listening tonight as well. That's your roll call for now. You know, I had to dig out the, a quote that was one that effectively communicated to me what Memorial Day meant, and I was a Scout, I think, when I learned this. And so that quote is from Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and he said, "Those who have long enjoyed such privileges as we enjoy forget in time that men have died to win them." And I don't decorate any serviceperson's graves on Memorial Day, but I do make a visit to the cemetery for someone who is no longer, who's no longer living and able to make those visits every Memorial Day. And, you know, the cost, you know, considering what the cost of the freedoms are that we enjoy when it's attached to the lives of others, I think Franklin Delano Roosevelt had it right. We too often will forget that that is what provided us the privilege to be able to exercise freedom, democracy, justice. And I think that another thing that I thought of and reflected on the other day when I was thinking about the show was that one of the best things you can do is try to live a life that's worthy of that sacrifice. And I don't know that any of us are able to accomplish that while we're still living. It's something that I think we should all endeavor toward, but what an example to follow, one that comes at the ultimate expense. And that kind of sacrifice, unless the self's name can never be restored. And so, yeah, my suggestion along with Franklin is don't forget and to actually spend that time in contemplation. Consider how it is that you have the ability to go to walk outside your door. Be free, as free as it is that most of us feel these days, kind of thing. It's a wonderful thing to be able to live in this country and to have the things, the sacrifices that were made to install us where we are today is something that we should not forget, truly. I also want to say hello. I also want to say hello to Abigail Sorcha Finnegan, just in the room, saying sup.
Yeah, uh, so yeah, so I don't know if Tara is still out there or not, but yeah, she actually beat Crabby Turtle in for once, um, because, you know, my favorite pink hand waving. And I had something else I wanted to say and then I totally spaced it because I don't know, I had to hit a button or something instead. But, um, yeah, are you going to any parades or anything this weekend, DJ?
No, ma'am, I will be celebrating in my own way. And then on Monday, um, I will be going out to— you have to visit the, the two grave sites.
Okay. All right. Sorry, I realized I moved my camera. I'm like, oh wait, we want to see the Aiming for Zero thing, and thanks for dropping the link before.
Um, no problem.
So yeah. All right, so reflection, paying attention, having that moment of memorial for anyone you know, Anyone you don't know, all those people actually that you don't know really, because most of us will never know all of the people that died for us and our freedoms. So as far as happy, happy things, I don't know how far we're going to go down the road on that, but the short version for our mental health stuff, let's talk about grief for a moment because for some people, the losses are recent., they're close to their heart, and their family members, their brothers or sisters, their sons, parents, all of that. There are children who have lost parents. And so for Memorial Day, as we're remembering the sacrifices that were given to us, we also want to do everything that we can to build ourselves up, acknowledge, and learn different ways that we can deal with grief. Now, if you guys haven't heard this one before, um, there's a couple different versions, but basically we have 7 steps through grief. Our number 1 is denial. Nope, that didn't happen. That can't be true, right? And I can tell you this from when I was I was told my sister was killed in a car accident. I'm like, no, no, no, that can't be true. She's at school. Then we get, I believe, the second one, because I didn't pull these up and I should have, because it's much easier if I just go through the list. Second one becomes anger. How could they leave us? Why did they do the thing that they did in order to die? This is one of those things where addiction is one of the most horrible things, because often addiction is one of those things that we'll get mad at versus getting mad at the person. So anger. Then after anger, we will often get— so we did denial, we got mad, and then there are like 2 or 3 other things which I'm actually forgetting. And DJ, if you know them off the top of your head, let me know because they're sort of a common set.
But bargaining, the bargaining part of anger. Mm-hmm.
Um, so then it's like, what, what is the bargaining though? It is if only they were back or something along the— how do we bargain with death exactly?
Well, it's also part of the if only, if I had, uh, you know, I would do this again. I would, you know, the feelings that one has, um, and I've had it several times in my life. I would have traded my life for theirs. Oh, what could I have done? And yeah, so it's bargaining with self, um, to me, like that's the most intimate version of it that I have at least. Yeah. And then straight into the— after that, straight into the depression. Okay. Um, that's, that's the next on that, on that 7 scale. And my— I think that there's, you know, I, I don't think that when we lose someone, I don't think that we ever get out of a grief. Um, it's just how well we deal with the grief and those wounds can heal, but But to be fully restored, no, never again. And that's that, you know, regardless of the size of the, you know, if it's a twinge or, you know, a pain, or if it's an absolute meltdown, depending on how we were dealing with the loss, how close that person was, depression is going to be something that will hit. And so being mindful of that fact, that's one of the great things about this program. I'm pretty sure that, and, you know, I'm pretty sure that most everyone who listens has had at least one point, if not some point during each broadcast, where they're thinking about someone that they have lost. Where, you know, I don't think that we gather here just to think of ourselves, right? So, and, and the fact that you don't throw a pity party but yet give us ways to consider, to discuss, and to think about things in a different context, or to be able to move us along, um, is one of the greatest values of this program. But the next step is The next step is that upward turn. So things start to come back together, and it suggested that the next step is reconstruction and working through before we can get to those final stages of acceptance and hope.
All right, so I just looked real quick because while you were going, I did look and I'm like, oh, it's not 7, it's really 5. But then they came up with 7, so we actually kind of figured it all out. Cause denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. But like you said, there's, there's definitely a lot of work between the depression and acceptance without a doubt. So that's definitely all right. I don't know why, cause like I said, there's a couple different lists, which is why I guess I got to 7. But like you said, we're never actually all over it. My, Grandmother— no, my grandfather was the first person I lost. My grandmother was the second. My sister was the third, and my dad was the fourth. And my dad died in 2010, and I know there are still times I'll be driving along because my dad and I spent lots of time in the car, but I'll think, oh, I just want to give him a call. So I'm not sure acceptance actually really works because we know it happened. But I think sometimes we forget that it happens. I don't know if that also is a coping mechanism or not.
And I think it might be one that's part of the human condition, certainly. But I, you know, I really hate when I do. I despise, I despise the feelings that I have sometimes that are associated with that because I feel as if I'm not up to the challenge of actually being able to heal these things. Yeah, and so it's not the time. It's definitely a time to turn the, you know, the focus inward, but it's not the time to grind on yourself for not having been healed from a loss.
Gotcha. Um, oh yeah, actually, I'm gonna— it's, it's sort of weird, but Sariah thing, grief is complicated and it can be just as hard if the person you're grieving is still alive. And so Surya is getting estranged from his mom. But like, for me right now, um, my mom's got dementia, and so I'm slowly losing her, and yet she is still alive. And it's one of those things where all of us have known someone, I'm guessing, or know of a friend or something that we that may have cancer or dementia or one of these things where it's a slow death. And so one of the things as we learned about my mom getting dementia, it's just like she noticed it first and she's like, oh yeah, this, this isn't right. This isn't right. And it took me a little while to get her to a doctor. And then, you know, it took a little while for the doctors to figure stuff out. And then we finally got the thing and it's just like, and now I see it more. And we don't know how long she has. And it's just like, for real, I get to go through denial. Cause that was in the beginning, honestly. And this is sickness in general, right? Is that when she's like, oh, I'm losing memory and I'm losing what I'm thinking and that sort of stuff. And I'm like, okay, well, you know, you're getting older. We're sort of doing that. And But so I already started with denial, and then we found out that she was sick, and that's like, oh, this makes me so mad. I have to do all this stuff now. And it makes you scared, right? Sickness is a little bit different than grief. And then bargaining— well, maybe there's a way we can actually make her better. Maybe there's some special thing that's gonna fix everything. No depression or acceptance. Maybe a little bit of acceptance, but um, like VO said, it never leaves us. It's always there. We grow around it every time, like rings on a tree, and thus become stronger and more able to deal with it. And this kind of goes also to the idea of time heals all wounds, because especially depending on the relationship you had with the person you lost, right? I certainly had a different relationship with my grandmother— excuse me— than I did with my sister, 15 years my junior, than I had with my dad. And it's one of those things where the relationship I have with my dad is very interesting, as most parents are, right? And this is why I warn my kids. I'm like, here's the deal. Parents are near impossible to train, just like children. So Some of it depends on your relationship. Now, when we're talking about our veterans, and DJ was talking about that bargaining thing, like what could we have done to prevent the death of our friends, the remorse, the survivor's guilt. And this isn't just about our veterans. This is also for anyone who's lost somebody through suicide. It's like all the people I've talked to over all the years, they'll tell me like, well, how come I didn't know? I should have seen this. I should have known this. And for my veteran friends, it's that if only I had, right? Like what DJ was saying. And so there is so many things that go into our complexity of how we deal with stuff. And like Abigail says, healing is not a linear process. Just like when Diego was talking about us growing, growth is also not a linear process. And, you know, 13 years, 10 years, 50 years, you never know. And it's so weird because it'll just hit you out of the blue. Like, it could be 30 years from now and my sister may come into my head and I will start crying and I'll be annoyed that I'm crying because it's been 30 years. It's not yet. But it is— our brains are wired in such weird ways, and part of our mental health and our strength in here is becoming aware of triggers that set us off. If we're set off, what are the tools that we have that make us refocus and get better about paying attention to what's important. Now I know Mike is out there and Mike and I have had lots of conversations because, you know, not everybody gets to wake up to your dead best friend. So Mike's got stories and it's been a couple years. I don't know, remember how many, but it's like Mike and I have talked a lot about, you know, there's a lot to go through. It's like you wake up, your best friend is lying next to you and they're dead. It's a lot to deal with, and he's done lots of things. I believe one of his favorite things right now is working with animals because he goes out and he finds lost animals for people, works with animal control, stuff like that. But that's like just one of the many coping mechanisms that he's come up with over the time. And all right, what did Jamie say? Jamie said, because I saw a feel like a tree grows around barbed wire, keeps growing and leaves a mark with the key. Yeah, exactly. And be careful when you cut that tree down that has the barbed wire in it because saws don't like that much. Um, so yeah, plants are pretty amazing when we get into that. This is why people who have plants in their home and don't kill them— because that's not me. Um, you might be able to send me a cactus, I might be able to keep that alive for a little while. But plants are pretty darn amazing that they can kind of grow around anything. So all of those things with that.
I think the tree, pardon, but I think the tree, I think that's a great example. Storm damage, something that we all see seasonally sort of thing. Trees kind of say, "So I'm going to continue to grow." It's that resilience. We have that resilience within us as living beings as well. The times that we are most vulnerable, we have the least practice with, Among them, death. Until you experience that in your family or in your friendship circle, in your community, there's no preparing for it. And so each experience that we have with the, you know, with death is one where we can grow, one where we actually have to grow because we're continuing. We continue to live that. You know, that's one of the missions, continue to foster that sort of growth that survival instinct. You know, the idea is not just to survive, it's to thrive. And human beings are almost as resilient, if not more so, than some species of tree. So, you know, trees are a good place to start, no doubt.
Um, yeah, so if you're saying even Jesus himself wept and mourned at the tomb of his friend Lazarus, and there's a guy who knew he's going to see him again. But loss is loss. However, I have to laugh because Hillbillies, pet rocks last the longest for sure. So send Brooke pet rocks. It's true. I can't kill them. I might lose them, but I can't kill them. All right. And I don't think I want a lungfish, but that's okay. Same reason I don't have a parrot because parrots live for decades as well. Well. Yeah, so, and sorry, don't take it personal. Keeping plants alive is truly a skill, and not all of us have that. So anyway, happy Memorial Day, everybody, in that be thankful for the freedoms that we have and truly remember those who've been lost. And make sure you find happy, good ways to deal with that. And I mean, I think this is why, you know, placing flags on graves. My in-laws do this every year. My father-in-law was in the service. My nephew's in the service, well, was in the service. They didn't die in service, but my mother-in-law and sister-in-law still will go to the graves and put up flags for all of the veterans that have passed in our family. So doing something constructive, whether it's flags on Memorial Day, wreaths at Christmas time, whatever it is that help you do something that helps you feel your gratitude for what we have lost. And, uh, Jamie, I think, has a new, uh, topic for Friday night's, uh, chat. The very interesting Jesus wept. Why? That's at least 3 sermons. So in case anyone hasn't been over to JH586 on a Friday night, which I'll admit I did miss last night— I can't even tell you what I was doing, um, but so I have no good excuse— but, uh, Friday night Jamie has Um, DJ, help me out, man. What is the name of Jamie's show on Friday night? My brain is like a little bit lost.
The Georgia Shooting Connection.
Thank you. Yes, Georgia Shooting Connection. Um, because he talks about shooting stuff and rolls in some stuff about the Bible as well. So with that, all right, sir, this is it. It's almost a whole 30 minutes. I know I made a plan with my family. I'm going to bed for 10 o'clock because they all have to be in bed tomorrow for— tomorrow is a big family day. So DJ, if you would say goodbye to everybody and any closing remarks and oh, and just real quick before I forget, for those of you who showed up last week and it cut out, the reason we don't have our intro and outro anymore is because YouTube killed it as soon as we played it, and that was the end. Oh, it's Matt! Hi guys, sorry. Um, so anyway, last week we got cut off because they didn't like our intro, so we've taken that out. We're going to talk to Foss and get us a new intro that doesn't have guns in it so we can do this. Um, I'd like to welcome Matt in here. He is one of my new, uh, Prospects for becoming an instructor, and, um, he is— I'm super excited to have him as one of my new students. So anyway, I just want to call him out. With that, DJ, really, I'm gonna go now. I'll let you talk. I'll go away.
Goodbye. Right on. Thanks for bringing us together, Brooke. I, uh, I did drop the channel link for Jamie JH586 out there in case you have next Friday free. You gotta check them out. I'm also going to drop right now the link to the Hillbilly Up channel. He has a program that immediately follows this one. It's guns, beer, and therapy. It's a good time hangout, and it's the kind of thing that a body needs sometimes when we're thinking about the stresses or we've had a stressful week. It's also a place just to build community, so I encourage everyone to get out there. Um, joining us tonight, we had Chasing Ghosts, the Crabby Turtle was out there, so was SorryIfBad93, Mike Ballinger, Viejo, thanks for being out there, buddy. Hillbilly Up is in the room, so was JH586. Abigail Sorcha Finnegan's in the room, and Matthew Bishop, that late addition tonight. As you think about Memorial Day, well, actually, everyone, spend a somber moment as you celebrate this weekend and through to Monday. Contemplate the privileges of freedom and liberty because those were hard-won, and it is a great debt to repay in ways that are personal. So please spend some time doing that, and until we see everybody else again, Be safe, have fun, take care of yourself and your crew, and rock! We're out.
