Mental Health Matters- Rules and boundaries

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Ta-da!

Hello everyone, um, hi, it is Saturday night and welcome to Mental Health Matters. It's 9 o'clock Eastern somewhere, um, well, right now it's actually 9 o'clock Eastern here on the East Coast of America. Just like, where am I exactly? How do I say this? All right, so Mental Health Matters, why are we here? Because 2 out of every 3 gun deaths that we hear about are suicides, and if we want to make a difference and save lives, we need to talk about mental health. So today I had class and I talked to my students about Walk the Talk America because it's okay to talk about it. Mental health, that's what we care about. Uh, everybody's got it, just like you've got physical health, we all have mental health. So every Saturday night, uh, pop on here with all of you and give a chit-chat about one thing or another. What is mental health? Well, let's see, when we go to the doc, we have our blood pressure taken, our pulse is taken, sometimes we get some blood tests, CAT scans, all those fun things. Mental health is not as simple as that. You are actually the one who is in charge of your mental health. So it is up to you to make sure you're taking care of it. We have DJ in the back office here with me, and he will hang out as long as he can. If he disappears, it is not because he does not love you all. He's having some technical difficulties. So everybody's fingers crossed. And that we were discussing before we hopped on, if you got some tinfoil to hold in a funky position, those of you who are older need to understand this, or yeah, But anyway, you know, say some prayers, hold some tinfoil in a funky position because his signal is what may or may not cut out. So if he disappears, I'll let y'all know. All right, tonight, what are we talking about? Let's talk about rules and— wait, wait, wait, hold on. I'm gonna look because you know me. Rules and boundaries. I'm like, I know there's a title to this, but I didn't write that on my paper. So That does not help me. Um, all right, so here we go. Rules and boundaries. Why are these important to mental health? Well, if we look at depression, anxiety, uh, those things are created based on our rules and our expectations and our boundaries, or if we don't have boundaries. So that is a portion of our mental health. What are your rules? A lot of us think our rules are your rules, and often that is not true. And the reason I came up with this topic was because I was thinking about a story that always cracks me up, and it's one of those things where I hope you're amused but also kind of get the idea behind it as far as just how easily you can not understand somebody else's rules. So, uh, question number 1: when you go to your friend's house, do you knock on the door before you walk in, or do you just walk in? Because that's part of the story. Number 2: who gives you gifts? Is it your friends? Is it your family? Is it strangers? So that's question number 2. And now I'm going to tell you the story because then it all makes sense. So many years ago, before children, Sean and I had these 2 friends. And really, you know how it is, me and this girl were friends and the husbands got to be dragged along on this friendship. But I can't tell you the entire story legit because I don't remember how we met, but we met and we became really good friends. And she would come over the house and she'd knock on the door, I'm like, oh, come on in, you're good. Um, and then, uh, come in, we chit-chat, all of that. And we'd known each other for 2-3 months, and Sean and I, uh got tickets to a concert, and it was Christmas time, so we invited them. And here's the thing, we are at this time, we're double income, no kids, corporate, all that fun stuff. And we're like, hey, would you guys like to go to, go to the concert and go to dinner? And they're like, sure, why not? So we invite them to go. So we go to Ruth's Chris. And for those of you know, Ruth's Chris is not inexpensive. And we buy them dinner, and then we had already bought the tickets, so we bought the tickets as well. And we didn't ask them for any money or anything like that. So from Sean and I's perspective, we were being gracious hosts. And just because here's the thing, we invited them. So in my family, if I invite you to dinner chances are I am paying for dinner unless you and I have already talked that we'll split it or whatever. Our friendship with these— this couple was new enough that had never talked about finances, didn't know if they could afford Ruth's Chris, all of those things. So we weren't about to make them pay for a dinner that we chose because didn't think that was right at all. So these are my rules, right? This is Shawn's belief system as well, is that if I invite you to dinner and I'm inviting you somewhere stupid expensive like Ruth's Chris, I'm gonna pay for your dinner. Um, that being said, if I invite you to McDonald's, you can buy your own Happy Meal, for real. So, but, so that's my side of the story. So our friendship continues on, and, uh, about 6 months later She comes through, she's like, hey Brooke. I'm like, what? She's like, I gotta tell you something. I'm like, what is it? Oh, oh, sorry, wait, let me finish the rest of the story. So when she would come to my house, she'd knock on the door, hey, come on in. And then when I go to her house, I would knock, but I would just walk in whether I heard anything or not because she knew I was coming over. So, um, I just, I just came in. So a couple months down the road Now we're better friends apparently, because now she feels she can be honest with me. So she tells me the story of that Christmas event that I just told you about. Now you guys heard what Shawn and I thought we were doing. We're just, you know, new friends, don't know their financials. We knew we expect— brought them to stupid expensive stuff and and we didn't think anything of it, um, and didn't want to burden them with the cost of it. Well, she tells me, she's like, remember that Christmas thing, dinner and all of that? I'm like, yeah. She's like, we thought you were swingers because nobody buys dinner except for family. And we laughed about that like crazy. But see, her rules that only family buys you stuff, right? Only family pays for your dinner. And so that's the question of who gives you gifts, right? Um, so I was doing random acts of kindness, and I forget what the heck I did. Um, oh, I popped it on my friend, uh, for at the hospital. I have two friends, unfortunately I have two friends that are currently in the hospital right now. Um, but her rules were if you are family, it's okay for you to buy dinner. Anybody else, it's kind of weird. And we just had to laugh. I mean, I laughed. I mean, I was glad that she told me the story, but I just like, I'm like, wow, that had to be a really weird night for you if you thought we were buying everything for you because we expected you and your husband to put out. I'm like, oh no, that was not the intention whatsoever, but her rules and my rules were not the same. And then in that same conversation, she finally says, you know, I hate it when you just walk into our house. And I'm like, and she's very uncomfortable just walking into my house. I said, oh yeah, just come on in. She wants me to come open the door for her. And I was just like, okay, because everybody has different rules about how they treat each other, how they treat their friends, how they treat their family, what's acceptable, what's not. And luckily for me, she was kind enough to have this conversation with me, but it wasn't until we became even better friends than we were in the beginning. And this is that thing about our rules and our boundaries. It's like her boundaries were family buys dinner, nobody else, and if they do, they must be swingers. You know. So for me, that, that's just, it's the funniest story for me because I'm just like, huh, I, I would not have bought you anything in expectation of return. However, do we have people that we know that are like that? Sure, of course we do, because there are people that give in order to expect something in return. All right, so we Mr. DJ, it's only 10 minutes in, but I assume you have been watching the chat. And not only do you have the names of who all is here with us, because I am not, because I was trying to stay on target, but also, did anyone answer the question of do you knock on your friend's door or walk in, or who gives you gifts?

Yeah, let's see. Gunpowder Beauty had a comment about that and about getting throat punched by someone. I'm gonna have to take a second to find it. That is something that she— she commonly will joke about, the throat punching thing. And I bring it up to— bringing it up to your screen now.

I do love a good— oh yeah, gotcha. Depends on the friend. If I knock— I have two friends that if I knock, they'll throat punch me. Yeah, I do love the throat punch, or at least the idea behind the throat punch. To be fair, I've not actually ever throat punched anyone, but the idea of it is definitely appealing. So So yeah, two friends, if I knock, they'll throw a punch at me. Exactly. And that's because you know what they expect. I actually do the same thing in class every time. When you come to my class and you have a name like Jessica or Jennifer or something like that, I'll ask, do you prefer Jen or Jennifer? Because my sister-in-law, if you call her Jennifer, she won't actually throw a punch at you. But if I could, she kind of, it's that kind of thing. And I also have friends, if you call them Jen or Jenny, they get so mad because they want to be called Jennifer. So back to those rules and what your boundaries are. All right, DJ, what about who gives you gifts? Did—

oh, well, I got this because I, I can really relate to this one. Hillbilly Up saying friends come in through the side or the back door. Yeah. The whole formal greeting at a front door has become so uncommon, at least in my experience. Yeah, yeah.

And I mean, go ahead.

I was just gonna say, and as to usually who gives gifts, we have this from, uh, sorryfan93 saying Sims usually give gifts of a flower vase, a box of chocolates, or a loaf of fruitcake. And I think that— I don't know how much of a gift fruitcake really is. It's the gift that keeps on giving itself over and over as you pass it along the chain, I think, for years and years.

They are, um, actually, there are actually good fruitcakes. The good ones are few and far between, but there are actually edible fruitcakes out there. I bet you Tara could make us one. Oh yeah, I see Tara says I joined the chat at a weird time. Were we talking about throat punching? Um, that might be it. Oops. Um, all right, so let's see, uh, and then gun websites. Oops, I clicked on it and then I did not. Oh, or you and I clicked on it. I'm sorry, you're, you're, you're, you're, uh, working.

You're fine. Good website. Saying, uh, single friends, I knock and walk in. Friends with families, wait to be let in. Yeah, there's still, there's still some rules and some codes and standards for that sort of thing. Like your initial visit to somebody's house, you certainly want to knock and wait to be greeted. Absolutely.

Well, right. And it's one of those things, it's going to sound awful, but I'm like, I don't really have that many friends that I go visit. So there's also that. Um, and so it's one of those things where I haven't gone visiting lately much. And, uh, it seems like because we have so many different ways that we communicate, whether it's text or chat or all of that sort of stuff, So it's just like, I'm here when I'm driving up. And so they come out to greet you anyway. So it's like, you don't even have to go through the door without whoever you're visiting there. What about you, DJ? Do you just walk into your friends? Do you, what do you do?

Yeah, it's situational dependent. I'm very, I can't even think of anybody modern take where I just walk in. That's just like never, never really a thing. But then I was also, my brother and I were raised in a pretty Emily Post world with my mother. It was absolutely the rules, you know, that a polite society. So it was that you knock, it was that, and you were talking about hosting, um, in my, in my world growing up. So it's transferred to my adult world. The person who initiates the invitation pays, that counts for dates, accounts for business meetings, that counts for, anything. The only exception to that sort of thing is if it's a group hosting a single person, like for their birthday, then it's kind of up to the group to pay for the individual celebrant's, uh, outing kind of deal. And Gunpowder Beauty on your screen now saying, I'm a little weird with gifts, but my best friend bought me the most amazing gift when I lost my mom. Instead of flowers, she got me a lamp in her memory, and it was so sweet. That is incredibly sweet. Something that persists beyond the event itself as a nice reminder, and a lamp providing light as well. Wow, Gunpowder, that's a really great friend. That's a really great friend.

Absolutely. Um, let's see, I want to know what Chasing Ghosts— Mama's fruit gear is made up growing up and fermenting the fruit. Homemade is good, store-bought sucks. Yes, it does suck. No, sorry, sucks. Recipe, um, before it stores well. Yeah, like I said, there are some that are actually, actually yummy. Although I wonder sometimes if Gwebs could possibly be being slightly— I don't know. Most of his friends have staff that meet you at the gate, then shuttle you via golf cart to whichever building in the estate they might be at the time. What do you think, DJ? Is he being serious, or do you think he's joking around with us?

There's some sarcasm in there. I appreciate that from Good Websites. Yeah, he brings humor.

They definitely need to have a sarcasm font.

That'd be nice.

I'm like, I know I need one because even if you're talking to me, sometimes I can't tell. And then, I like buying gifts, but I make it weird and awkward when I get gifts. Yeah, um, so this is the thing. Most of us have that same problem, I think, is that we tend to be super happy to give stuff because DJ and I actually talk about this often. But then we're not so awesome at receiving generally. So, all right, Mr. DJ, would you like to do our roll call, sir?

I would be happy to do that this evening. First in the room was the Crabby Turtle. Always glad to see Maryland in the house. Sorryfan93 is out there, so is Mike Ballinger, Gunpowder Beauty, Gun Websites, Guns and Barbecue, the triple guns out there, Hillbilly Up, Chasing Ghosts, Ron Wayne, and Jamie JH586, most recently in the room, having a busy day today. As I imagine most of those are. That's your roll call.

All right, awesome sauce. All right, so with that, all right, so rules. Here's the thing. So often we think our rules make— well, we know our rules totally make sense to us. And when somebody else has different rules, number one, How in goodness gracious are we supposed to know that if they're not going to tell us? Number 2, why would anybody have exactly the same rules as you? So maybe it's important to ask people, because ever since that incident, sometimes I'll be more cognizant of knocking on someone's door. Um, like I said, I really— I'm like, I feel like I'm a shut-in or something because I'm like, I haven't really been to anyone's house in a while to knock on their door. Um, so that being said, I'm like, hmm, maybe I should go visit people. So what are your rules? Realize they're yours and they're formed by you, your family, your society, where, however you were raised. Like DJ was just talking about, uh, being raised all Emily Post. And for you younger kids out there, what was that? Well, there's this big honking book on etiquette, and it was all about making sure you knew what clothes you can wear when. You know, like, don't wear— you can only wear white in the summer. After— what is it, Labor Day is coming up next? Um, can't wear white anymore, or not white shoes, or something along those lines. The societal norms were kind of dictated by etiquette. Um, tipping a hat to a lady, things like that. Start on the outside, work your way in, top to bottom if we're looking at a fancy, fancy place setting, that sort of stuff. Tea pinky, that was probably in etiquette as well. So glasses at the top of the knife, blah blah blah, all of that. So those were well-understood norms for people in society as far as Reading the book, you had the list of rules, you were told what they were. Now here's the thing, what if you're illiterate, you never read the book? What if you are never around people who read that book? Well, your norms are going to be different, your rules and your expectations and your boundaries are all going to be different. So this is one of those things where— sorry, I was just thinking about a horrible joke, um, and no, I'm not going to say it out loud. So when we're looking at the rules and regulations, even people in your own family do not have the same rules and regs. I believe most of you out there actually drive. Now I say most of you is because Barbecue no longer drives. There was a time when he drove, but he does not drive anymore. Um, I don't know if you said Patriot in the Dark was out there or not, so those are two I can think of. But here's the deal: out on the road, you come to a stop sign. It's a 4-way stop sign. There are 3 other cars that arose— arose— yeah, arrived at the same time. Who gets to go first, right? Well, I think whoever's going straight gets to go first. Except what if all of you are going straight? Then who goes first? Well, then we have to communicate. Someone goes this, the other person does this, then eventually somebody goes. Right? Driving on the highway. Now, I got an aunt who will get in the passing lane and go 55 miles an hour, and her belief is she'll get there when she needs to, people behind her will get there when they need to, it's fine. Me, on the other hand, if I'm going to be in the passing lane, I'm going to pass you and I'm going to pull back in front of you. As long as there's at least 2 or 3 car lengths between me and you now that I've passed you. So that's just one example, same family, different rules. So when we're in society, when we're with our friends and family, sometimes we need to be curious about other people's rules because there are so many ways to create stress that kind of aren't necessarily, oh my goodness, There's a Bubba. Sorry, I just, I just saw— I did spy out of the corner of my eye that the Bubba Triclops Ballistics was here. Uh, howdy fellas and fellowettes, what's going on peeps? Happy to see you, sir. Uh, glad to see you're not working to death. Um, all right, so Saria Fan is another one who does not drive. So, but here's the thing, even on the bus For example, we all have rules, right? If I'm sitting on the bus and all the seats are taken and a lady with a baby comes on, am I going to give her my seat? Yes. Do I expect a dude to do it first? Also yes. So if there's an old lady who comes on, a lady with a baby, any of that, I will. I'll kind of look around and see if any dude is about to be chivalrous or not.. And if they are not, then I will give up my seat as well. But that's bus etiquette in my poor little brain. So rules and regulations, boundaries, our rules set up what our boundaries are, right? I had someone come into my house the other day and she's like, oh, I don't want to be a bother. I don't want— this is your home. This is your space. I don't want to intrude. And when she was saying that, that made me realize what some of her rules were. So I, my, my thought process immediately goes to, oh, wait a second, if I go to her house, she's going to feel like I'm intruding in her space. And so I'm not, I'm not going to go to her house anytime soon, at least. Um, when we see each other, it's usually here at the school on my turf because we go to the range mostly. So Does have— yes. So having staff chauffeur counts as driving. What if you let them go directions today? So yeah, backseat drivers, they certainly have a whole bunch of rules and regulations and they have a bunch of boundaries because they're supposed to stay in the backseat. So there is that when you've got a chauffeur. All right, so that was kind of my thing. I thought of the story about my friend thinking that Sean and I were swingers just because we bought them dinner, and to this day it still cracks me up. Um, and Bubba, you're just gonna have to go back and watch the beginning to get the rest of that story. So, um, and then just that we're not often going to be sharing our rules with people because we tend to think that, well, our rules make sense. And so if our rules make sense to us, of course they're going to make sense to you. And if we're friends, chances are there's going to be things that we absolutely agree on, and there's going to be other stuff that I would have been like, oh, I didn't realize that Gunn websites only had a chauffeur Monday through Friday and that he doesn't have them on the weekends or vice versa, right? So we just don't know everything. We don't know everybody else's rules and boundaries and that sort of thing. So be curious about your friends. Also realize when you're getting upset, sometimes it's because the other people that are upsetting you don't know your rules. And this is where Tony Robbins would say the less rules you have, the more flexibility you have. The more flexibility you have, the happier you're going to be. Now, this does not mean have no standards and don't have things that matter, but when something is causing you strife and anguish, check in on what rule is that that someone else is breaking and decide whether or not that rule is really that important to be that upset over. Because remember, when you're angry, mad, and pissed off, you're actually just poisoning yourself. The person who is causing the strife is really you, because you can let that stuff go. Now, can we be mad? Absolutely, without a doubt. You can be mad all the time. No, don't be mad all the time. I take that back. You can get mad at something, you can get frustrated, you can get angry. Recognize it, say, okay, that's something that needs to change. What do I need to change? And turn it into something that you can change, whether it's letting go, fixing it, changing it, whatever needs to get done. Um, yeah, um, uh, to G-Webs about the chauffeur. Yes, even staff does need days off. Well, sir, that's why I would have expected you to have a second chauffeur, one for the weekends, one for the week. But we can talk about that another time. Um, and then every customer you come across has different rules, without a doubt. Hello, Mark! You are here just in time for the wrap-up. Good job. I know you're comfy in a lovely armchair. I am guessing, if I had to, you know, use my psychic powers to figure out how Mark currently is set up in front of his computer, but I believe it's in a comfy, uh, comfy armchair. All right, so mental health matters. Well, if we pay attention to our mental health, when we start getting mad about stuff, start asking ourselves what our rules are, because a lot of times, as much as I was talking about other people's rules, often we're not even aware of what our rules actually are. So see, my, my, uh, my mental health is working because I did get it correct 100%. Uh, nice comfy armchair for Mr. Mark. For those of you who want to see Mr. Mark's nice comfy armchair, if you have not, at the top of this hour is Hillbilly Show, give or take 15 or 20 minutes. Um, and, uh, you can see Mark Thomas in in his comfy chair, usually, often. And if not, watch a rerun and you will see him there. Nice big beard. It's lovely. So look at your rules, find out if they're pissing you off and it's not really someone breaking your rules. The rules are not important enough for you to keep them. Let them go. Let's see, what's Bubba say? I typically stay away from people when I'm angry, so I don't say anything I might regret. I just refuse to let something considered my monster to harm those I like, so I stay away. Right, and so this is that whole thing of understanding how you best deal with things like anger, and more importantly in my poor little brain is that if I am angry and mad, I know I'm not being resourceful, hence the reason you stay away. Because you don't want to say stuff— well, you're smarter than I am, because often I am not necessarily that smart, and I will absolutely say things that I probably wish that I hadn't. And for those of you who— uh, I'm— well, I've got some teachers here, so you've probably heard this one, um, the toothpaste thing. Once we say something that we can't take back, you can't take it back. So Bubba's got a much better idea of Stay away when you're mad and angry, because anger and frustration do not make us resourceful. When we are not resourceful, that's when we start yelling and screaming and saying things we shouldn't, or hitting things or breaking things, or all of that fun stuff. And with that, Mr. DJ, um, yeah, so walk away, meditate, and reflect inwardly. If you can do that and you can train yourself to do that, that's one of the best mental health things that you can do. Some people are real huggy. I am not. Isolation for months at a time, for years, make contact weird. Okay, not everybody is a huggy person. Mr. DJ? Yes? Did you bring that up for— do you have comments on this as well, or what?

Uh, no, I was just getting ready to close the show out. It was actually a comment from Chasing Ghosts that came in earlier, and I'll bring it to your screen now. Um, she said, uh, remember when people would call randomly and show up randomly? Who's pulling up in the driveway? Uh, random friend, can you come out and play? Technology changed everything. Absolutely. And that's another example of the rules that exist at one point in time do not necessarily carry themselves into the modern day.

Oh yeah, no, actually that, um, I got a new car and we went to the neighbor's house and the neighbor and her son— now this is like my kid's best friend— um, we're looking out their window like, who is that? We don't know that car. Who is that? And it was so funny, like, is it the Jehovah's Witnesses? And it was just eventually they came out because we went and knocked on the door. But it was the funniest thing because yeah, people are not used to people just dropping in anymore.

So I can remember establishing one of the first places after my divorce where I had roommates and announcing to all of my friends and anybody else, and particularly those who were just standing at the door, and that is it's a call-first house. It was no longer a knock, knock first. It was a call first because, well, because you never knew. And, you know, really became a service to all the roommates involved because we don't necessarily want people dropping in on the middle of whatever was going on. For, you know, somebody else, and we would know best sort of thing. But yeah, having to be the doorman sometimes at, you know, 3 o'clock in the morning and not knowing which girl belonged to which roommate sort of thing.

Oh gosh. Yeah, yeah, the door handle thing. Got it. All right, sir, will you do your thing?

Well, I'm gonna drop the link right now to a chat that's coming up next. Brooke mentioned that Hillbilly Up, um, hosts a show at the top of the— well, it's 9 o'clock in the Central time time zone, and that's where Hillbilly Up is too, so that's the best time zone for that recommendation. Anyhow, uh, this evening we were joined— thank you for showing up late, Eds, you get a hall pass. Mark Thomas was with us, so is Bubba Triclops, Ballistics Jamie, JH586 was here, so is Ron Wayne. Hey Ron! Chasing Ghosts was out there, Hillbilly Up, Guns and Barbecue, Gun Websites, and Gunpowder Beauty. Uh, Mike Ballinger was out there tonight, so is SorryFan93, and Crabby Turtle was with us at the beginning of the show, and I I bet he's still out there. Thanks for dropping in, everybody. Next week, bring a friend. Think about the things that you heard in today's program and think about things to share about that topic maybe for next week in the text comments so that we can get to you a little bit sooner in the show. Hope that everybody has a wonderful weekend ahead. Be safe, have fun, take care of yourself and your crew, and rock wood.