Suicide Prevention Saturday Special Interview - What drives someone to Suicide?

Hi everyone, it is Suicide Prevention Saturday, 9 o'clock Eastern every Saturday since 2018. I'm really proud of that, actually. Yes, I've missed one or two, but not that many. So anyway, for those of you who are brand new, your first time here, my name is Brooke Cheney and I am the owner and instructor here at A Great Start Shooting School. And tonight I have a special guest. Every night we try to talk— every week we try to talk about something to do with mental health. And because I've been doing this for a while, people often ask, how can I tell if someone is suicidal? And the answer is you can't unless they're going to share that with you. So my tonight's special guest is no longer suicidal. However, he's pretty amazing because he has attempted suicide and failed, luckily for us. So we get hear his story. But by all means, ask questions as we go. If you are here during the premiere on Saturday night, please chat it up, and I believe he will be here to respond to you as we are going. And I think that's kind of it. So, um, I am going to throw him up here. This is G23, and we were just discussing before we started the recording Uh, we have been YouTube friends for going on 2 years, uh, when I sort of started this channel and doing, uh, the YouTube lives here. We have known each other and have mutual friends on YouTube. One of them is one of the previous people I've had interviewed, and that is Mario Mosin. I saw his interview on GT3's channel, and I absolutely love it. The link will be down here for YouTube, up there for Facebook, because, you know, it couldn't just be all the same when I create my descriptions. That'd be too easy. Oh wait, wait, I'm gonna go like this so we get Tara Smith's Kitchen in the background so I can like just, you know, tell people about every YouTube channel that I watch. So, um, all right, what else did we talk about? GT3, help me out. We just talked about this. All right, you started your channel, 3 years ago, give or take. And do you want to tell the folks here why you started your channel? Because I think that's a good place for us to start.

So I started my channel to help, um, and show people that you can change your life. Um, you know, I made mistakes when I was a kid and became a felon, and it took quite a few years to be able to get my rights back, but cost about $5,000. So just want to try helping other people realize that even if you made mistakes, you can turn your life around and, you know, become a productive member of society and get all your rights restored.

Very cool. And so we're just going to jump right into that. Because it kind of goes into your whole story. So as a kid, you grew up in a single-parent home, and there was a reason your dad was away. Would you share that with folks?

So yeah, my, my dad made mistakes and, uh He, uh, ended up going to prison in about '91 for, um, man one manslaughter in the first degree and spent about 17 years in prison.

And how old were you then?

Uh, 10 going on 11.

All right, so we already talked about, well, you know, people make bad decisions and it's kind of hard when you have that as a role model. And, um, that's just like one of your stressors. You lost your dad at 10, and for a relatively significant reason, right? He's just gone. So now you're left at home with your mom. And where did that lead you? I'm trying not to give away all the things I already know, but your lifestyle changed after your dad left. And you got in with some friends who were not necessarily friends. So go ahead and tell your story on that part, please.

So about '93, I started running, started having some problems. I lost a chance at a college scholarship. Full ride.

Um, oh wait, I wasn't gonna jump ahead to there.

That kind of led me to the gang life.

Okay, all right, so see, I got the timeline wrong. That's my bad.

Sorry, man. And so yeah, it all kind of like led all into one, um, one horrific, uh, like bomb going on.

So let's talk about the good things a little bit. What sports were you playing at the time before you got injured?

Uh, football and baseball.

All right. And as far as you knew, as a 10, 11, 12-year-old kid, this was your ticket to get out of the situation you were currently in?

Yeah, this was going to be my, my chance to, you know, go to college and get a better life than what I had. So at least that's what I thought, right?

And, uh, you know, yeah, your scholarships were the way to go. And I mean, and this is where, like, it's weird that you and I have parallel stories a little bit. No, I never got into the gang life, but I did— I was going for the Olympics and I blew my knee out, and that was the end of that. And as at 17 years old, I was you know, I'm behind your curve. But I was distraught beyond belief. Worst thing that could have ever happened. Um, my suicidal thoughts though were long before I got to that point. So you lose everything in your mind. You are roughly how old at this point? Was it like 11 or 12?

So this was '93, so I was about 13.

Okay. So I mean, you were really thinking ahead already that you had a plan for college. And so this led to your first attempt.

Yep, this was, uh, my first attempt. I decided, you know, I, uh, waited for the house to be empty, you know, mom, brother gone. And, uh, I had a concussion because I had been out riding my bike and, uh, hit my head.

And is that where you blew out your knee and stuff?

Uh, I had blew out my knee before then. Okay. Um, and so that, you know, leading up to that, uh, I had injured my knee. Okay. That was probably 6 months before I attempted my first All right.

So going for college, going for the sports scholarship, busted your body, know that that's no longer a possibility. And then it took, you know, 6 months for all of that to set in and become overwhelming. Cause I don't know, I've been this, we didn't talk about this pre because we didn't want to blow everything out yet, but it's just like when you were suicidal, it's more a matter of people aren't even It's not about how, it's why. It's like you've got nothing. Everything seems horrible. It seems like if you're not there, it's better for everyone. That's my experience. So what would you say your experience was going from bad thing happening until you get to that point where you attempted suicide?

Yeah, so I don't know if it was like— it was just kind of weird, you know, when it was leading up, like, I didn't feel depressed or anything like that, you know, it wasn't like— it just seemed like everything just happened and then I kind of was like trying to figure, okay, now what do I do and everything, and all the loss, you know, happens, and then you're like, why am I even here? And so, you know, the world would be a better place without me. And so I ate an entire bottle of Tylenol trying to, uh, end it all, you know.

Sorry, I know we said we try not to joke on this too much, but Tylenol to end it all, it's just— it's a rhyme, so it could be an ad campaign, but it didn't It didn't work. It did not work. So we have that going for us. And I mean, I hope you all listened to that, like, before I interrupted him the first time, which is he waited until no one was around. This wasn't a get attention stunt. This wasn't, I'm gonna show them. It's, I'm in so much pain, I don't want to be here anymore. Um, for all of the people that I've talked to who have attempted suicide in the past, most of them have no desire to involve anyone else in their pain and suffering because they are already in pain and suffering. And it's one of those things where, um, G23 and I talked earlier about like the aftermath of that, right? He got taken to the ER, and at that point in time, his mom, his family had no idea that he had attempted suicide. The doctors wrote it off as, oh, because that concussion he mentioned, that it was just because he had the concussion. He wasn't trying to kill himself. He just had that concussion, so he forgot that he had taken too many. Did I forget anything, Dan?

No, they— yeah, they, they wrote it off as it was accidental, you know, it was unintentional. And I never said anything to correct it. I didn't ask for help, you know. I just figured, okay, well, I failed at this.

Right. And so one of the things we are happy for is that Dan is a failure when it comes to suicide attempts. And it's one of those things where, uh, obviously we are glad that you are here and anyone who is listening, who's considering suicide, understand there are people that are happy you are here, even if you don't feel like that is the case. Because you never know who's going to miss you. And no matter how aimless, lacking in purpose you might feel, maybe you've just not got to where you need to go. All right, so that was attempt number 1. We've got 2 more to get through before this interview is over. So you failed at the first time, and then there's some more trauma that occurred. So we had broken everything, lost my future kind of feeling, decided nope, I should just go, and you failed. And now we have the next traumatic thing that occurred. So you want to share that with everybody, please?

Yeah, so, uh, about a few years later, um, I was dating a girl and So she was in a single family, um, or single parent life also, and then her mom ended up getting, um, custody of her. So everything was changing. She's now has to relocate and go live with her mom.

And at this time, she's the love of your life, right? She's like the one. She's the one that makes you happy. All of those things.

Yep. And so we ended up breaking up, and the last day that she was going to be in town, you know, we went, hung out and everything, and then when we came back to her house, we ended up finding her dad who had a successful suicide attempt. Um, which was really hard for, you know, teenagers, you know.

Right. I mean, so here you are. Oh yeah, and sorry, we sort of glossed over a couple things. So your first suicide attempt, your dad's in jail, you're running with less than desirable folks, right, at this point?

Yeah.

Okay, so you are dealing and you're in the thug life, as it were, and now you've got the love of your life who's moving away, and that's traumatic enough. And then to walk in on someone who has successfully committed suicide, um, most people would be like, yeah, that's, that's enough to deal with. So go ahead, what is the rest of the story, as it were?

So yeah, there, you know, there were some other stressors involved, and again, I decided, you know, this world would be way, way better off without me. And so I decided I was going to do a whole bunch of meth and try to end it again. And, uh, attempt 2 failed, right?

So as a drug dealer, you had the access to the meth, and, and you're still in the family single-family home. Your dad's still in jail. Now you've got to see what most people never want to see, which is a dead body in a home, and You're how old now? 14, 15?

Yeah, I was about 15. You know, it's right around 15 going on 16-ish.

Yeah. So attempt number 2. Now what happened? Like, you tried again to overdose, uh, where were you? What— where did you go? So were you home alone again, or were you out with the gang, or how did that happen?

We had a, a shed, um, and which was kind of our little party shed, um, and so I was out there again by myself, you know, playing music. You know, I told everyone I just wanted to be left alone. I needed time to think.

And I'm gonna assume everyone that knew you just assumed that you were sad and upset because your girl just left and you just found a dead body. So it would make sense that people around you would be okay with leaving you behind because, you know, leaving you, having given your space. Because this is where when people ask me, how do you know? And I'm like, you don't. Most of us who have a plan, we're not involving somebody else in the plan.

Yeah, you know, and I never, never thought about, okay, well somebody's gonna end up finding you. That wasn't— that was probably the last, you know, thought you're ever gonna think, right?

Yeah. And you had just had that too. So how crazy is it that our main— our minds are— didn't connect the dots of that? It's like you just found someone who had done this. And so it's all— it's, it's, it's a lot to handle for anyone. And here's the question that I get asked and I'm going to ask you, like, your mom, does she know this stuff now, or have you never told her? Never. Okay. And do you have any friends that have asked you, like, you've— that you have told the story to, like, what could I have done for you to any different?

Yeah. And, you know, I, I'll tell you guys, like I told them, there's nothing If somebody is truly suicidal, more likely than not, they're never gonna ask for help. They're not gonna, you know, there may, there's gonna be a little kinds of things that are off. And if you're not really keying on slight behavioral changes or, you know, somebody who's normally outgoing and bubbly becomes a lot more withdrawn. And if you're not, like picking up on certain things, you're never gonna know until it's too late.

The irony of that to me is someone like Robin Williams, uh, or John Belushi, or any of the comedians that you know that make 5 million people laugh but can't make their inner child laugh, and they take their own lives. And it's just like, sometimes the ones you should be really skeptical of are the ones who are the life of the party and bubbly all the time and, hi, hi, I'm good, how are you? Because we try so hard to be happy for everyone else and we know the pain and suffering we have in ourselves. So now we don't want to be part of that for somebody else. Because yeah, I know for my high school student, my, my high school classmates at reunions, I've asked them like, did you guys have any clue like that I was suicidal and depressed? They're like, no, never ever. So, all right, so we've got through one, we've got through two, and now for the final piece de resistance. What was your third stressor that got you to this point?

So again, I was running with the gangs and everything, and I was jumped from behind, and the, uh, police arrested me because when they showed up on scene, I'm the only one standing. Um, and so the prosecuting attorney decides he's going to charge me with, uh, 30 counts of assault and battery in the first with, uh, grave bodily harm. And because of—

wait, wait, did 30 people attack you? I need— no. Okay, just checking. I'm like, damn, I know you're good, but that's ridiculous. Yeah, no, no, Superman, Batman.

Nope, they just— that's what they wanted to, you know, because they—

the fight started and you're only 17, right, at this point? Okay, so you're a minor, but the prosecutor's like, nope, we're gonna charge you as an adult. Yeah, so that he could throw the book at you.

Yep. So he, he decided he was going to go um, one cause, so one case, um, with 30 separate counts so that he could get the maximum time. And he was asking for 99 years.

And when you're 17, that's forever and then some. Now, had you been in the system at all? Like, had you gotten busted for drug dealing and that sort of stuff prior to this incident? So were you already on their radar or not?

Oh yeah, yeah. So I never got convicted or charged with, uh, dealing, um, but I had, um, two prior felonies.

Okay.

Um, one was, uh, res burglary. Okay.

So they, uh, yeah, I was on there, um, On there, you were on the radar. Yes. Okay, well, and see here, this is— we're not going to talk about this today, but see, this is a whole nother conversation you and I can have later about what do you do about those teens that are in the gang life and how do you help them get out of it. Because I know, you know, you know me and my politics stuff, but it's just like they're constantly trying to reform our criminal system because, you know, and tell me if this is true or a myth because I'm not part of the gang life, is basically you are more valuable to the gang as a minor because you can go do more crap and get away with it.

Yeah, because you're gonna do less time, um, for the most part, you know. They're, you know, whatever you do, you're gonna be, you know, at max, you're probably gonna be in juvenile prison until you're 21, you know.

And then it depends on your state and all that stuff too.

Yeah, you know. And so, yeah, for the most part, you're good. You know, you can be used, um, to do things that might get somebody else life in prison, right?

So you get jumped, uh, you're looking at 99 years in jail. I'm assuming even though you're part of the gang life that you're not wanting to go be a bunkmate with your dad. That is not a plan. Um, so what happens next?

So I got, I got released pending trial, and I was like, you know what, my life's pretty much over. I mean, I'm gonna end up in prison. What's the— what's, you know, one less gang member in the world, you know? So I decided I was going to attempt suicide for a third time, um, and I, uh, picked up a firearm for about $150.

Bargain basement street prices. Yeah, go ahead.

Yep. And so I decided I was going to attempt for a third time, and again it failed. Um, and the reason why is there was a broken firing pin.

So the good news is you were not a gunsmith at that point in time, so you could not fix it.

Yeah, I, I didn't know a whole lot about firearms at that time, except I know if you pull the trigger, it should go bang, and it did not. No. So I thought, well, there must be something wrong with that round. So I ejected the first round and tried it a second time, tried pulling the trigger a second time, and it still didn't work. And I tried a third and it didn't work. So I was like, well, so here goes crappy attempt number 3. And this time I, I tried with a 9mm, and of course it was too weak.

Oh yeah, we talked about— we're make— we're calling out G-Webs on this one and making fun of the fact that that's really why he failed, was because it was a 9mm and not a.45. So, um, but so like at this point, for real, it's like first you took the Tylenol, didn't work. Then we tried the meth overdose, still didn't work. Now third time with a firearm, which is usually the most successful way to commit suicide according to the CDC. Um, you failed again. How is your poor little brain doing at this point? It's like Did you have relief of click, nope, try again, click, nope at that point? Or are you just like, wow, I am so ridiculous, I can't even?

Yeah, I was, I was livid, um, because, you know, it's like, well, crap, now I'm gonna end up, you know, going to prison, you know, there's no other real choice, um. Because I, I knew for a fact, you know, I, I didn't come from money, so I was gonna have a public defender. Um, and most of the time they don't do great work to represent their clients.

Well, they do the best they can with the time that they have, because as far as I know, they're all overworked.

Oh yeah, yeah. You know, most of them have 30 or 40 cases they're working, so they can't truly focus on you know, the specifics of— and they're not getting paid that much through the courts, you know, like they would if they were representing private clients.

Yeah. So let's talk about the turn in your life. Um, let's talk about the lady who restored your faith in humanity, because there happened to be one witness to you getting jumped And go ahead, you tell the story.

So I went to my next court hearing and I figured they're going to revoke bond, um, and I'm going to be going back. Um, so I went in, I pled not guilty, and this little old lady, um, showed up and testified that she saw the whole thing and that I was the one who actually was attacked and I just had defended myself. And if it wasn't for her showing up, um, yeah, I'd probably still be in prison to this day.

So you had said when we talked before that she didn't listen to her friends and family who told her to stay out of it. Yeah, yeah, was that part of her testimony when she came up?

Yeah, she was like, you know, um, she had said everything that she had seen and that she was told by her son mainly to just stay out of it too.

Um, was her friend— or was, was her son also a gangbanger or no?

No, no, she, uh He— I don't know exactly what he, he did, but he just didn't, you know, well, yeah, he didn't want her to get involved because, you know, of course, well, if you've just seen, you know, if she's seen one person be attacked by multiple people, what's to say that they aren't coming for you?

Yeah, so I had a question, I forgot it. I hate it when that happens. All right, so. So, all right, so we've got faith restored in humanity. Oh, I remember my question. So now you've attempted suicide 3 times. Does anyone in your life know this? Because you are alone with the Tylenol and the doctor said, nope, your concussion, the meth. Well, you were doing drugs and dealing drugs, so you using was not something new. Or did anyone even know that you had tried? And now the gun, you know, no one asks you why you're buying the gun when you buy a $150 gun on the street. Do people even know any of your attempts at this point in time?

No, none. No one had knew anything about them. Um, they were failed attempts.

And so, yeah, so, all right, so the good news was someone came forward and saved your life. And then what do you think was the most important thing? Because to me, when we chatted before, it definitely seemed like that woman was sort of the turning point in your life. I don't know if she's the one who actually restored your faith in humanity or realized that maybe there's another purpose for you to be here. What was your transition to go from gang bang, drug dealing, trying to get yourself killed, to where you turned around. Because it wasn't that long after that that you found your wife and your church and stuff like that. So what do you think, how would you describe that change from— and I mean, and this goes back into also talking about why you're doing your channel, right, is because you were there. You were what we call a lost cause, right? It's just you had a really rough childhood. And so the lady was the turning point in— from what you and I have talked about, what helped grow on that turning point in your life?

So yeah, after she did that, I was like, you know, I kind of had a— the path of maybe there are good people in the world. And who actually care about you. Um, and restoring faith in humanity, you know, was kind of there. It was like on the path. And then I, I also was like, you know, if I keep doing what I'm doing, these prosecutors aren't going to play around. They, they want just to be done with me.

So there was a little bit of scared straight in the 99 years hanging over your head.

Oh yeah, yeah, you know, um, so I, I decided, well, I've got to do something. I didn't know what, but I, I knew I had to do something. So I, uh, decided I was going to get a GED and I was going to go to college. Um, I was going to go to trade school, not college, right? Um, so I started working on that path. And then, um, I found out about an option of going and playing softball, and I was like, hell, I was like, yeah, why not? And so, uh, um, then I found out it was church league softball, not just softball, so I kind of started going to church and everything. And then a couple years later, I ended up meeting the woman of my life who's put up with me for the last, oh, 22, 20, yeah, about 22 years.

Yeah, and I know what you mean when you say the woman who will put up with you, because I feel the same way about my husband. I'm like, I really don't know why he puts up with all my crap, but I am appreciative that he does.

Very much so. I, I don't know what I would do without her.

Exactly. Um, so yeah, I mean, and this is something we talked about as well, is like, I don't care what faith you have, but having faith in something that is greater or bigger than you has been proven to make people happier and more content. So you joined a softball team not realizing it was attached to a church, then you got in the church and sort of, you know, it wasn't bad, it wasn't horrible, right? And for me, I know that for me it's that whole, I think it's great to think there's something more than me, that my being is not just to be here and taking up this meat for right now, and that maybe there's more. And so that's what religion kind of has done for me, is like, I look at, um, God and the universe and everything and be like, we are all interconnected. That's why you shouldn't be a jerk, is because no matter what, you're going to run into somebody eventually. And then Einstein equals mc squared, right? We are all energy and mass and all of those things. So you look at it a scientific way that we are all connected. And that we are all breathing the same air that the dinosaurs— you know, we can go down a whole long rabbit hole on that. But that was me. What helped you when you found church? And what helped— like, what was the feeling that helped you become the man that your girl decided you were worthy of sticking around with?

You know, after going to church for a while, I At first I was like, oh, let's go because, you know, this way if they, you know, try to check because I wanted to play softball, if they're like, okay, well, you have to be going to church, I'm like, okay, so I'll just go and I'll just sit in the back of the church and I'll just be there so that people can say, oh yeah, he comes to this church. And I never was like looking for religion. And then it kind of slowly, you know, you're like, it's not actually so bad being here, to then feeling more accepted. And so that, you know, then I was like, started working on really turning my life and kind of getting away from a lot of the people that I hung around with. And so I'm going, trying to become a better and more productive member of society.

And it's hard. Yeah, change is hard. Um, yeah, the fake it till you make it. I, I go to a church, but I don't have to be part of the church is how plenty of people get indoctrinated. Um, I was, uh, raised in a congregational church And I went to Sunday school, and my grandma and grandpa brought me, and it was like, I'm going so I can have coffee and donuts for coffee hour after church. And I learned a little bit about the Bible. And since then, I've had tons of friends in different religions. Um, when we were living in a suburb, we'd have Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons come visit all the time, and we would always invite them in and feed them food. And especially the Mormons, the Mormons So those, those, those people who go away from their families for a year to go preach their gospel is like, it's intense. So we always would feed them because one of my favorite sayings in the Christian society, um, is what would Jesus do? And I'm pretty sure Jesus would greet you with a smile, feed you whether he had fish or loaves of bread, and, uh, make sure there's always a seat at the table for you. So that's kind of— and I've been, like I said, I, I just know people in so many different religions and All of them to me help with having more. And it's like, what was one of your favorite things about becoming part of your church other than getting to play softball? Because we know you're motivated by the, uh, sports. So it's like, you— we did this. See, this is why they do it. It's like their mini advertising campaign. Like, oh, want to play sports? Yes, we'll make a sports team just for you. Oh, but wait, let us tell you about God. It was a marketing ploy, but it worked.

Yeah, yeah. Well, so I was going with the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and, um, after, after, um, church, there was always a potluck. And so you got, you know, fed.

Food is good. Food is the way of man's heart, as far as I know.

Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, that's perfectly like I'm pretty sure the gut is directly, you know, linked to the heart and the brain, actually.

But we'll talk about that another time. There's all sorts of stuff about that and health and all that.

So yeah, um, it was, you know, kept going down that path. And I don't go as much as I probably should anymore, but I still don't—

don't start shooting all over yourself. We'll have none of that. Because every time I ask one of my students, like, how long, how much dry fire have you done? They're like, not as much as I should. I'm like, nope, no shoulding here. We shall not should. That, that is one of the Great Start Shooting School's belief systems. We shall not should. Because I learned that from Tony Robbins. It's like, I should do this, I should do that, I should— he's like, don't should all over yourself. It's just not good. Because we all think there are things we should be better at or do more of And the truth is, we will do what we make important for us to do. And as far as coming and going to church, I think everything has an ebb and flow, right? There's times when I was in a Baptist church for a while, and I was helping with their, their day school and all of that sort of stuff. And so I was in church 7 days a week— well, 6 days a week. But it was because we joke about the Baptists there's actually like 56 different flavors. So it could be Baptist Baskin-Robbins, um, because you have your, your potluck Baptists. And then, yeah, so anyway, um, yeah, it is— it's a habit you get into and you learn stuff while you're there, and then it's a habit you get out of, but you still learn— you had learned the stuff, so you still use the stuff even if you're not there every, every sermon or any of those things, or every Sunday school. But I don't know, it's fun, it's a good thing. All right, so the question is— all right, so here's the thing. For those of you who are watching live right now in the chat, feel free to— oh wait, so G23, you're planning on being here when this airs? Yes. Yes. Okay, like, ah, I should have asked you that before we started.

Um, I do plan on ending my live stream um, early enough that we can be over in the premiere.

Okay, because I'm like— and as I'm saying that to you, I don't know if my face just went white or not, but my computer's like, oh, we're gonna restart now. I'm like, no, no, you are not. Um, so yeah, so DG3 will be here in the live chat. Um, for those of you watching on Facebook, you have to go to the YouTube side if you want to— if you want to talk with Dan, because he's not going to see the stuff that I'm gonna see later on the Facebook side of things. So any questions you have for Dan, feel free to pop them in. If you've been asking as we've been going, that's the best thing. I just didn't think to say anything about it until then because, as you just learned, I forgot to ask him at the beginning. So, um, so as he's typing away on his keyboard, he will be answering your questions, anything that you have to ask him. Um, but I just— it's It's so great to be able to talk about stuff like this because— oh wait, I never asked you this. Have you ever gone for counseling? No. Okay. Um, because not everybody does, obviously. I went to counseling and I went to group counseling, and for me, that best part was knowing I was not alone. And that's why I will have people on like Dan, so people understand that this is just like gun ownership. It affects everyone. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, if you live in the suburbs or a city, if you are a drug dealer or a straight-A student. It does not matter because I can find someone— well, I don't know if I can find people in all of those places that will actually talk about it, but it is important that people understand there is no one type of person who commits suicide or attempts to commit suicide. And like I said, we're all happy that, you know, Dan was, was an unsuccessful loser when it came to this event.

Yep, 3-time loser on that event.

Exactly. And so that's a good thing. We like those kind of losers because we couldn't have this conversation or you couldn't share this stuff, uh, if you had been successful. But I just figured like we had to bring the religion in just a little bit because If I was trying to kill myself and I went and bought a gun and I not tried once but twice but three times, I would be pretty sure God was talking directly to me saying, no, you stay.

Yeah. And, you know, that was kind of— I'm like, well, somebody's got something for me. I, you know, I, I'm not exactly sure what, but there's got to be some reason that I'm still here.

Oh yeah, and just so we're clear on all of this, I am not suggesting that anyone should try and attempt suicide in hopes they're gonna fail. Oh no, don't try suicide, just so we're clear here.

Um, yeah, it doesn't want to sound like it's a glorious way of, you know, testing your faith.

It's not. No, no. Like those people that dance with snakes, and if they get bit and live, then God chose them. And if they bit and die, well, God chose to take them with him. And I'm just like, that's a religion I'm probably not going to get into.

Come on, you gotta— I thought you got to try all religions once.

Well, no, see, I love church surfing. Like, I'm like, I'll walk into any church, and it's just like— and sometimes I feel like the pastor is talking to me, or the priest, or whoever.. And other times I'm like, ooh, not this one. But it's just like firearms instructors, not one size fits all. And it's, it's definitely, you know, people who are recovering Catholics is one of my friends' sayings. And it's just like, there's lots of amazing things about the Catholic faith. Faith. Are there bad things that happen? Yes. Just like every corporation, every group that's ever been. There are good and bad no matter where you are. And to me, religion is ruined by people who are bad people. But in general, having faith, having something to pay attention to that is greater than yourself, and to me, having a servant's heart, whether that's just wanting to take care of someone else, like the lady who made sure she stepped up And you— have you ever talked to her since then? Uh, does she know what a pivotal part of your— her—

your life she was? No. So I did thank her. Um, uh, it was probably about a week later, and I— and I painted her fence because, um, some people had been tagging her fence. So I you know, went and I painted her fence. Yeah, um, to cover that up. Um, but I never, I never said, you know, what it truly meant. Like, I didn't go back a couple years later and say, hey, you know, you know, this is because of you, I've completely changed my life.

I, I never went back right after that. This is the beauty of random acts of kindness. We just never know the impact that we could possibly make. And I don't know, it's one of those things I've had conversations with lots of people about. Why do I do this 15 minutes every Saturday night? And sometimes we do almost an hour, um, when I do interviews with people. But it's like, what is the point? What am I possibly doing to help anyone?. And it's just like, I will never know who's watching this right now, who's heard Dan's story. And it's like, holy crap, if he did all dealt with all of that and well, I didn't get my almond milk in my latte, maybe I should rethink my life a little. We don't know what it's going to be. And you know, almond milk, but if you're lactose intolerant, that's a big deal. But you know, if you're not, But life happens for us, not to us, um, is one of the belief systems that I have. And it's just like, I know this sounds odd, but I look back at all the crap that has happened in my life, like breaking my knee so I can't, you know, I can't go towards the Olympics, uh, getting into the first college, first choice college of myself, and then having the rug yanked underneath me. I, at the time, I was so devastated by these things. And yet now I can be thankful for them because now I can say, if those things didn't happen, I wouldn't have the husband that puts up with me. I wouldn't have the children that I have and many other blessings that are in my life. Do you ever look back over your life and be thankful for all of the steps that at the time seemed like garbage? But if you didn't have those things happen, you would not have the story to be able to do things on your, on your channel to tell people, hey, stuff can really suck, but look, here's how we go.

Yeah, you know, um, I am— there's times where you're like, well, my life would be way better if one of these things would have worked out.

But hey, you just got really fuzzy.

Do you need to change this?

Uh, May have lost internet connect for a short period of time, but you're crunchy now. Oh yeah, exactly. I mean, sorry, I'm a big audiophile. Like, I'm like, wait, no, I can't let you keep talking like that. I know, unplug, replug in.

I'm not that much of a techie, but yeah.

Is it working better? It's not. All right, well, tell you, I'll just—

I'll be quiet, you just go. Oh yeah, Wi-Fi, you gotta love it. Um, so you know, there's times where you're like, if this one thing would have happened, I'd have way better of a life. But you don't know, because that one thing could have led to something else. It could have been way worse. Um, you, you know, and then you wouldn't have, you know, the wife or husband that you have now that makes your life better than what it was when you were at your lowest point?

Right. And I mean, this is what we want versus what we need are not always the same thing. Like, I wanted to go to my first choice college. Who doesn't want to go to California as a 19-year-old kid and, you know, go to a fancy little college out in California? And then when I couldn't, I was so mad and heartbroken. And oh, so here's my newest analogy that I'm working with, with my child and people in general, is do you know if you take a baby chick— well, if you take an egg with a baby that's hatching out of it, you know how they have to peck their way out— if you were to help them and break that egg open for them that the chicken would die. Because that little baby chick has to do all of that struggling to get its little beak out and then to get the rest of it. Because without all of that struggling, it doesn't get the proper circulation going, it doesn't get the movement of all of its muscles in order to move. And so when my daughter was talking about her friend's boyfriend problems I said suffering is part of life. We don't build our emotional muscles if we don't have suffering. Now I'm going to be the first to say, without a doubt, there are times when you're like, yeah, I could do a little less suffering, I'd be content because I think I've grown my muscles strong enough. But at the same time, it's like life is not about an easy ride. It's okay, there's going to be peaks and valleys and peaks and and valleys, and some of them are going to be like cliffs versus valleys. Um, but at the same time, the more things we have to deal with, the more muscles we grow, and we either learn to be stronger because of what happened to us, or we can fail and fall down. I know many women that I've talked to who are like sexual abuse happens to 9 out of 10 women, kind of, sort of. And some women have that and they swear they're never going to be a victim again. They get training, they understand, okay, here's what I'm going to do. And then there are other women who just hate men forever because that's their mechanism. So suffering is not all bad, it just sucks at the time that it's happening. So, all right, sir, well, I hope you've had enough time to answer questions as people ask you questions. I'm assuming they will. Um, what else do we have? Because we're coming up to the top of the hour, and like I told you, we're not going for 2 hours. But right, what else do you think is important for people to understand from your experiences? And like, if you could go back in time, is there anything that you can think of that would have made any difference? Like, because people always want to help or they want to understand better, um, and I don't really have answers for folks. But do you have any ideas or thoughts?

Uh, you know, I don't know. Even if I went back, um, if there was anything, you know, if— because when you're in that exact moment, you're not gonna be like, I'm gonna go reach out for help. Because that's not— you're, you know, you're not looking for help, you know, you're just looking to end your entire problems or what your perceived problems are. Um, and so I, I can't say that if I would have done this one thing that something would have happened.

Um, I mean, are you ever thankful? I mean, like I said, for me, I think I'm weird when I say I'm thankful for the hard things. But if we didn't have the pain and suffering, we wouldn't have— yeah, to show that it's not the end of the road.

It's, it's like the old saying, um, hard times create hard men, hard men create soft times, soft times create soft men.

Yeah, I got you. That brings me back to my almond milk conversation, but yeah. So, all right, well, I don't have anything else that I can think of. You know me, I say goodbye about I don't know how many times because I still owe you that video of counting how many times I said goodbye before I said goodbye. I'm like, every so often that little email pops up, it's like, so that— the— I mean, not— sorry, the comment. So how many times was it? I'm like, I don't know, I keep forgetting to go back and count. Um, but I will. I haven't forgotten completely. After my instructor course that is coming this weekend, I will have a little more time. So, all right, well, thank you for sharing your time with us. And, um, like I said, your, uh, links will be down here for your channel. And I— my links— and sorry, the links to my favorite, uh, conversations on your channel are guests that I've had, because like we said in the beginning, I met Mario Mosen through you.. And then you've also had Mike Sodini from Walk the Talk America on there. So I will also throw those down there too, and I will throw my links of when I had them on my channel. So, you know, you can see how we just all know the same people because it's YouTube and such a small world, right?

Yeah, I— the interview that I did with Mike and Mario, uh, that was probably the best interview that I've done, but it's also kind of like the most powerful, right? You know, because it was touching on suicide and, you know, stuff like that. And, you know, it's not an easy topic. You know, a whole lot of people want to hear it, um, but it is something we need to talk about.

It is. And I didn't even ask you because you and I talked about this, but have you shared all of this story with anyone? Like, have— did you do this on your channel? Do people already know your story?

No, no. Okay, a lot of people know about the, the gangbanging side, the being a convicted felon, but not, um, any attempts at suicide.

Yeah. All right, well, we'll try to make sure your mom doesn't get the link because she— this is not how she should learn. Oh yeah, that part. Maybe I shouldn't tag you, I don't know. Um, so, all right, well, as we discussed earlier, I gotta get back to teaching classes, um, and getting my life in order for the next 72 hours. And you rest up. And get better and heal. And if you want to know what's going on with him, you go to his channel and watch that, because I'm not going to go into all that right now. And, um, I don't know, I think that's everything. So good night, everybody. Oh, I always forget I have to shoot— hit the stop button twice. All right, good night, everybody.