Suicide Prevention Saturday - Tax DAY! So let's go with Death & Taxes tonight.

Did it go live? Ta-da! It is Suicide Prevention Saturday. It is 9 PM Eastern on— what day is this? April 15th, Tax Day. Actually, although I did look and I found out that Tax Day is actually not until the 18th, which really, really confused me. By the way, Suicide Prevention Saturday. Why? Because 2 out of every 3 gun deaths the CDC tells you about are suicides. And if we are looking to truly save lives, we would talk about mental health more because, you know, mental health is a good thing. We want to be mentally healthful. All right, so tonight we are talking death and taxes. I am, I am, I am accompanied here by DJ, who I don't know if I just clicked them off or not, but he had the banners running and then they're gone. So I don't know if I screwed that up. But yeah, I have a cold. My throat is a little bit scratchy tonight. So one of our goals is I'm going to try to stay on target. So if y'all are commenting and that sort of thing, I have them hidden because those of you who've been here before, like Fiona and Tara and G23 and Mike White and DJ, I think are all the ones I saw commenting before we started. Yeah, I don't want to go squirrel too hard because I want to try to get through this before I lose the rest of my voice for this evening. So what is today? Tax Day. And what did the thing say? We're going to talk about death and taxes because, you know, they kind of go together, oddly enough. I spent the day with my mom today and we were actually talking about death and taxes because, yeah, it's just, you know, your parents get older, you start planning for their funerals, things like this. And it's like, oh yeah, the more transfer of stuff prior to your passing to those who you actually want to have it becomes less expensive and takes less time than after you're gone. And yes, these are the things I talk about with my mom because, you know, we're all gonna die at some point. We just never know when. All right. So with that, DJ, if there's anything I need to answer or say anything to address, you're in charge of letting me know that. Okay. Okay.

Okay.

All right. So a couple of weeks ago, I got that phone call saying, hey, one of our veteran leaders died. Found out later it was an overdose, not a suicide. So I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Death is death. And I had— I had prepared this thing on grief, and it was specifically for veterans. And I think that this is a good list of what happens when someone dies and how we deal with it. Now, this list is a theoretical what you could possibly experience. If you feel like Googling something like the stages of grief, you will find something that's anywhere from 5 to 7 stages of grief. So we're going to just briefly talk about a couple of them. Actually, no, I'm going to go through the whole list that I created for the veterans because there's a little nuance thing when we go there. And I know I'm talking about veterans, but it's like, it's, it's a good for you to know whether you're a vet or not, how to deal with grief. Most of us, and this was part of the conversation we had at that event, was we are not really set up in America that much to deal with the loss of someone. And taxes are dealing with the loss of your income. So this is why death and taxes go together. It's one more reason why death and taxes go together. But, um, I have to do my present thing because I forgot to share my screen. So hold, please. Uh, that's weird. Oh, there it is. Okay. Um, yeah, technology, it's my friend sometimes but not always. All right, so if you look at a generic list, it's going to tell you what is the first step. And shock, aka what just happened, um, is generally it. I know, um, we've talked about this before, but, um, oh wait, see, I hit the wrong button. My bad. So bad. Um, shock. When you find out someone is gone, no matter how old or how young they are, we're always like, wait, what? So-and-so is gone? Um, last year, one of our— one of my shooting buddies died And I don't know, he was in his 40s or 50s. And this is the thing, I am so age ignorant of, um, those of you who've been my friends for a while, you just are whatever age I am. So I'm guessing he might be in his 50s, but he could have been younger, but he died and everyone's like not expecting it, but we all die. So it's kind of funny that the first step is always shock. What just happened when we know everyone's going to go down at some point in time. I don't know if we just think that people are going to live forever. I don't know, but that's generally the first one. Haha. Then there's denial, avoidance, confusion, and fear. Now I can tell you firsthand, I went through 1 and 2 instantaneously when my sister was in a car accident and died because A, I thought she was in college. A, so I didn't think she was anywhere close to where we are. And B, it is immediately what happened. It's like, first is like, what, what are you talking about? My sister's not dead. And then it's like, no, no, no. And so the cop had to actually take out her license and say, is this your sister? I'm like, oh yeah, that, that is, that is truly her. So then we move on to the, the third possible way that you're going to go. Which is anger, frustration, irritation, anxiety. So here I am on this beautiful sunny day, and what happens is the anger. You're, you're mad, you're upset. We are always mad at those who have left us behind. There's just no way to get around it because you want one more— sorry, um, you want one more memory with them, you want one more opportunity to be able to do something. And so this is where, you know, and everyone deals with anger and frustration in different ways, so it's not like you're just like wanting to smash things. Although I actually had a friend of mine who was creating a therapy session where your goal is, right, you go tag sailing and you go and buy people's old china and it's got patterns on it and stuff. So you go and buy cheap china from tag sales or the Goodwill or something along those lines. And the anger portion of this is you take those things and smash them against a tree or somewhere, and you put— and then you pick up the pieces of the things you've just smashed in anger, and then you make this really pretty mosaic out of it so that you can take your anger use it and then create something with it. And I just thought that was a really cool idea. And that was actually one of the therapists I worked with when my sister had died. So the next one that I've got on my list here is more for veterans, but I think those of us who are not veterans can deal— can understand this point of view. Survivor's guilt. Why them and not me? This was the thing that I added in specifically for my vets because it's really hard. And as far as not being a veteran, I'm sure that there are plenty of folks out there who have had that, oh, they were too young. Oh, they had such, you know, so much more life to live. Why them, not me? Is definitely one of those things where it's just like, In the veteran community, I know that I hear a lot of vets talk about this. And again, back to the fact that we are not really well equipped to deal with death in general, unless you are a devout something. Um, in, uh, Judaism, the first Jewish what is that, funeral that I went to, and we're in the graveyard, and at the end of the service, everyone takes a shovel of dirt and throws it on the coffin. And part of that symbolism is that your group of people that you live with help you all the way into the grave. And I don't know if that's the right way to put it exactly, but it's just that it's community, is that you are still part of the community. And so it's one of those things where it's like, if you have a way, if you have a ceremony or something that you do, I know that in most Christianity we have a wake, which is making sure they're not going to wake up because that is actually what it was, is because back in the old days they didn't have stethoscopes and stuff, and sometimes people were in comas and would wake up. But it's actually why it's called a wake. It's kind of crazy. But so here we are, and we, we, we go and pay our respects, and then we bury them, and that's kind of all we have. So the more you have a way to deal with or way to expect— and this is where if you get into lots of different types of religions, it gives you lots of outlets. Like, if you believe in God, if you believe in Jesus, if you believe there's heaven, If you believe there's hell, you have places where you're expecting to go. Uh, we were talking about Thor. Somehow Thor and Thor's Day came up, uh, not that long ago. And Valhalla— oh, you know what, on Barbecue's, on Barbecue's, uh, conversation, uh, one of his buddies was talking about Valhalla. And I don't know the mythology all that well, but if you die in battle, you go to Valhalla. And if you die another way, you go somewhere else. And it's not that the other place is bad, but in Valhalla, you are one of the warriors who will continue on to save the universe at some point, just like a Marvel movie, kind of. So these are the things that can help people, is having a path, being prepared, having an idea what's going to happen next. And I got to go to my next thing. All right. Oh yeah, here's— this one's more challenging. Bargaining, struggling to find the meaning, reaching out to others. You know, again, a little bit of that survivor's guilt as far as we're talking about, well, why them, not me, right? Why were they taken so soon? Or why'd they have to go now? Or how come I couldn't get another day, a week, or whatever? And this is where, you know, the, the idea of understanding what some of these steps are is so if you lose someone, you are not stuck in any one of these, right? Um, at the event we actually talked about, uh, you know, someone said, how long are you in each one of these? And I'm like, I don't know. Like I said at the beginning, first two, went through those in the first 5 minutes talking to the police officer that notified us. The rest of them, I don't remember being angry. So I don't know if I skipped that because that's the other part too, is just because these are theoretically how you go, it doesn't mean that you're going to go through all of them because I don't recall being angry, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Oh, what's our last next one? Oh yeah, here we go. Sorry, I don't have them written out, I just have to scroll down and find them. So bargaining is okay, what— and so this is where that question I've told you guys about before with my mom and I when my sister was killed in a car accident and she came home from work. The, the police go and escort you home, they— because they don't want, you know, hysterical moms driving on the road. So when she got home, we're standing on the front porch and we're like, okay, what's good about this? And so looking for meaning, that's a really good question that maybe you could use as far as when you lose someone who you really wish you hadn't lost and As far as I know, when we're sad, it's because we lose someone that we didn't want to lose. So, oh yeah, they're so— it's so complex, right though? Because if someone is suffering cancer, Alzheimer's, those wasting away diseases, sometimes we have relief when they finally go. And that's not on my list here, but it's something else that should be talked about because people are afraid to say that, oh, I'm so glad they're gone because they're not suffering anymore. And sometimes people will say it, but certainly not all the time. Um, all right, on to the next, next step. Depression and overwhelm, helplessness, hostility, and flight. So this is something I was talking about with my daughter the other day, because depression can just overwhelm you, quite honestly. You feel helpless, you might be hostile, and you might want to run away. Now, my daughter and I were talking about this because that flight thing, that running away, that can be really bad because that can be someone running into a bottle or grabbing a handful of pills, because flight does not mean that you're physically running away. A lot of us are really good at running away in our heads as far as what is scary to us and how we want to hide. And then the final one, right? We get to the end and we have acceptance, exploring options, new plan in place, moving forward. And here's where some people will fight and not want to get to the moving forward place because they feel guilty, you know, back again, the whole list is not just in order necessarily, it's just the possibility of what you might feel. But that moving forward, you go back to that guilt of, oh wait, if I move forward, am I not honoring them? If I move forward, am I just forgetting them? Um, new plan in place is like, well, I don't even want to talk about, but like, if I lost my husband, that would be horrible, but I'd have to come up with a new plan because I wouldn't know what it was like until then. And again, I have girlfriends that I went to high school with and they've already lost their husbands at their— in their mid-50s, or we're in my early 50s, I guess. Um, So, but acceptance is the final one, and it can— you can get, get there, and then you can go back up through the list. So it's not like this is a linear thing. Grief is not linear. Grief is an emotion, and we will all deal with it differently. We will— I can tell you, we will put it on hold. We will be like, okay, like I said, I went through those first two of denial. No way that what— my sister did not just die. And then what was the other one? Well, that was two, denial. So shock, no, she didn't die. Denial, also she didn't die in like the first 5, 10 minutes of it. But then like actual sadness, whoo, I put that sucker on hold for almost a full year because I was making sure I was taking care of my mom. Oh, and my 3-month-old. Oh, and my year old. So it was, it was a lot. So just be aware, just because you're not going to go through it once. My sister has been gone for 15 years now, and I will randomly feel really sad. And if I talk about it, hold on, remember that breathing thing I teach y'all and to look up? Yeah, that, um, that helps you not cry as much. So it will randomly hit you, and understand it's part of the process. And if you know that it's just a step in the process then you get to walk through it, realize you don't need to hold onto it. Except maybe the acceptance thing would be a good thing to hold onto. But no, just because you got to acceptance doesn't mean at some point you might slip back. So with all of that, DJ, do I have any questions or anything I have to talk about?

You know, Brooke, I've been paying more attention than I usually do in the text chat. Has honestly been slipping me by a little bit. So I'm going to do two things. I'm going to do two things at once. Um, the smashing of plates— I sat for a few— I've sat for more than a few moments and I didn't hear what you were saying because I was fascinated by that practice, that idea. It sounds wonderful to me to have the release and then create remembrance in— and yes, I wrote this down— a renewal. You're recasting something, in this case shattering and reforming into some other piece. And you said artwork, yeah, I think, yes, you are. So that created, you know, that creates something that then when you reflect on it, or as it was occurring to me upon my reflection of that sort of thing, it can do nothing more than bring a smile. Now towards the end, towards the end of what you shared with us this evening, you were talking about spikes in emotional grief. I too have those, most recently within a week. And that was at the loss of my brother and missing him quite a bit. So, one of the things that I'm going to offer to folks is that I share stories that are like short quips, like, "My brother used to do this." And it just allows that to exist between, in just a few brief sentences. That way, if the person you're speaking with or around wants to engage you, they can. They don't have to commit to that, but you're offering them the opportunity to then further share. And that is where the real release can come of whatever might be lingering in there or whatever just needs to be honestly beaten down or reduced. Because, because the degree of sorrow that can also accompany those memories You know, it doesn't keep you in bed for days. Perhaps it might in the early stages, but in, you know, the decades that have passed, you know, you and I share that in common as well, that it's been several decades for us. And oftentimes it will not soften. And, you know, pardon a moment while I myself look up, because tears shed in remembrance are really difficult for some people. They are difficult for me. I don't really like them when they come out at times or in places where—

where I cry, as far as I can tell. I mean, because, well, you know, I'm crying all by myself, I still fear— like, I'm like, this is annoying me. But I'm trying to get over that. But I'm 50-something, we're still working on that. But so yeah, the, the struggling— sorry, so I'm going to throw up the other slide for real quick. The bargaining, struggling to find meaning, the reaching out to others, to me is like the best part of going to a funeral in that when you're at a funeral, or like you just said about telling the story of your brother, it's like by telling the story is certainly a way to reach out to others. Um, it's, it's, it's just one of those many things where it's just like, okay, this is what we can do. Um, cause when people call me and say, hey, this just happened, when other families have dealt with suicide, they're like, what can we do? I'm like, tell the story, tell the family, the memories that you have of that person that made them special in your life. And when at a funeral and it's, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your loss over and over again. It can be, it can be really hard. And it's just like, oh my gosh, I remember Mikey and tell the story about Mikey. Or, hey, I remember Toby and I remember, because that, like, when I was standing there and all Nadia's like, or not Nadia, Toby's college friends are telling me the stories, I'm just like, that is really useful. Um, because I think that helps the families the most. And I think it helps all of us to get through the stuff.

You know, Brooke, speaking of getting through, I'm going to bring to your screen now. This is from Mike White. He says, "I use avoidance and non-acceptance, like they're not really dead but gone away, and I just can't see them or hear them." That's interesting. Yeah. You know, coping mechanisms and the way we introduce them to others sometimes is also a way that we can improve maybe the, you know, the future generations of grievers, I guess I would say. You mentioned that you went to a Jewish service, you know, a levaya. And there are two things. I'm an adopted Jew. So I— the disposition of the body is within a day. Now, these are kind of traditions and they're flexible for some believers, right? But it's within a day. That's the body. But sitting Shiva is 7 days. And there are several things about that that I really like, you know, traditions of others, though I may not bring them into practice. Can be useful. So when you're— when sitting Shiva, there are a couple of interesting things where you're talking about like, how is it that we can come across something that might be strange to others? Well, there's a modern, still in modern practice, part of sitting Shiva, which is to cover mirrors. You're talking about how in the old days this is how something was done. Well, that was to keep spirits from perhaps coming between the planes of existence. Now I didn't mean to chuckle because I don't necessarily want somebody to think that I disapprove of it or I find it that amusing, but That's just something that wouldn't be in my practice necessarily. Now, there are a couple— there are just a few more things.

One of them is the person, though, the sitting shiva, is it's giving you actual time. It's giving you permission to grieve. And in America, it's like, okay, you get the morning off to go to the funeral and get back to work that afternoon, right? So the sitting shiva also gives you that permission to actually take time to deal with the loss. So that's the other thing that I love about that.

And, you know, I'm certainly more familiar with, you know, Christian tradition in funerals and burials. And but one of the things about sitting Shiva that I also find interesting and cool, just cool, is that the principal, you know, the person like the matriarch, the patriarch, the chief mourner is the one who kind of sits the Shiva. They sit lower than everybody else because that indicates that they are of low spirit. And this is the thing that is most dynamic and interesting to me. The doors are all open. And that, you know, we like to think about security, you know, in some days, but on those days, what it does is it provides the opportunity for anyone to come and express their condolences, however that might be. But also that their coming and going isn't a distraction to them, to those who are gathered to mourn, right? And so there's so much extra respect and consideration and precision based, you know, brought out in that, you know, tradition. So I really like that.

I really like that. And yeah, I mean, it's like, it's one of those things, like, if you read the Bible, there are so many things in there. And I'm like, I tell people, even if you're not Christian, there's a lot of good stuff in the Bible if you just like read some of it. Some of it's kind of weird. But anyway, so I threw up woods because woods is like Mike White and avoidance and non-acceptance. I think a lot of us are hardwired to be like, no, no. And I mean, as far as like Mike White saying you just can't see or hear them, I have a funny ghost story. Maybe when my dad died, randomly I will smell cigarette smoke smoke, just totally random. No one is around. I smell cigarette smoke. My dad started smoking at like 50, after most of my childhood swearing that my mother was committing child abuse because she smoked when I was a kid. So the irony there to me is that he started late in life, and B, that every so often I just randomly smell smoke, and I always think of my dad when that happens. I'm like, It's the ghost of my father. So Mike might not be able to see or hear them, but I can smell them.

So, you know, you were talking about Valhalla and its woods. I've heard him mention it more than once, uh, the gods choose the worthy or prove the worthy. I can't remember the quote that he throws out as well, but you know, there's another tradition kind of thing, you know, in Viking funerals. Yeah, the, the, the mourning and grieving process in different cultures continues to be fascinating to me.

Yeah, no, I mean, and that's just it is having something to do, having a way to, having a road to walk on, right? That's why I'm like, here are some of the steps to get through grief. One of the biggest things, like with Tony Robbins and Dean Graziosi and those guys that I listen to, it's like, it's okay to go through all of these things. It's okay to be angry. Just don't get stuck there. It's okay to be super happy, but know that this too shall pass. Kind of thing. So, um, but yeah.

And hey Brooke, I'm gonna bring— oh, you brought up the— you know, you brought up the comment that I was going to— I was fighting for it. Live production, I love it. Um, this is from Tara. She says, sometimes I have to cry. It physically hurts not to. It is a release of everything, and it usually cures a headache for some reason. You know, I get where she's coming from with the crying and the release, but I have the opposite effect with, when, with the headache. I get all sinusy headache when I cry.

It clears pretty quickly, um, but yeah, I think sometimes it's fighting it because like if, if you're not, if you don't embrace the cry, you, you fight it for too long and you do just stuff up your face. So, but yeah, it's not, I don't know that I always, I just, I find crying often is out of, out of my control and I'm like, what is going on here? I mean, as I started to tear up a couple times today, I'm like, okay, I wasn't planning on this being quite emotional for me. So I'm just like, okay. But yeah, the taking a breath, I actually— ooh, I have a future interviewee. We're going to talk about breathwork and how to breathe through emotions and fun stuff like that. So, but with that, we're hitting almost the half an hour mark. And we were trying to be brief today, but you did more talking than you said you were going to. So I've got that going for me. And did we miss anything else? I'm like, did you look through? I kind of looked through. I think I got—

I did. I did. It's been really great hanging out with you another Saturday, Brooke. I'm glad that you're here every week as the hostess with the mostest, right? And it is also great to see all these people gathering in. And, you know, anytime y'all can spread the word, you know, it's the good word. That the program is here. I try to do that, the live chats that I venture into. You know, toss the link to a friend. If you got a text or message in your hand, the ability to send a text message at the end of your hand, you know, in your hand. So, you know, go ahead and grab that, pass it to somebody and get more folks in here. And that helps to provide the comfort network for everyone.

And by all means, if you have, 'cause I actually did April and May for, uh, whatever that is, subjects. And oh, I haven't put May up yet. But anyway, if there's stuff you guys all want to talk about, by all means go ahead and leave it in the chat for what's something else you'd like to talk about. Uh, and I think that's about it. All right, with that, I'm going to bed now. I'm gonna rest my poor little throat, and I'm gonna go night-night, and I will see you all next week. There will probably be some additional videos up here this week. I'm not sure when though, but I am getting into training a ton and because I've got competitions coming up. So anything you want to know about competition, let me know that too. I'll put stuff up because all my other students are like, there's only Suzanne French and Saturday on your videos. I'm like, I know, I'll work on that. So anyway, good night everybody, and we will see you next