Boundaries Are For Ballers - Episode 43 w/ Coach Bryn

I said, I don't want to go out on evenings because I want to work out. I want to work on my craft, become better at my sport. And then someone says, hey, let's go out. And I'm like— and they just propose the idea, like their objective in this instance, sort of like being on deep end, you know, is to go out. My objective was to continue to do what I want to do, which is stay home to work out, to, to work on my sport, my craft, whatever it is. Okay. So if I don't say, hey, you know what, actually I've got a plan to stay in to get some reps in, so I'm not going to be able to join you tonight in going out, what purpose would it serve for me to be upset at that person for inviting me?

I'm excited for you to see this week's episode, but before we get to that, I have a message for you. If you're a parent of an elite athlete or a coach, of a high-performing team and you want— you're looking for some help or assistance with making them more mentally resilient, perform with more confidence, be more consistent, anything like that, then this is for you. I have an 8-week program all designed to address exactly that, to help your athlete be at their best on a more consistent basis and not get tripped up by those little voices in their head and get getting down on themselves for mistakes, but performing like we know they can. So what I want you to do is don't delay, schedule a— just grab a time on my calendar through this link, and let's set up a time to talk about your specific situation and how what I'm offering in my 8-week program can help. Okay, so it's Bryndresher.com/freeconsultation. So click this link, Grab a time on my calendar. I look forward to talking to you. And now on to this week's episode.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of The Mental Advantage Podcast. It's Coach Brynn here. It's another solo episode. Again, hope you're enjoying all of the episodes that we're bringing to you, whether they be with our powerhouse guests or with me alone. Make sure you're subscribed and leaving comments, interacting, sharing the information. Um, that's the best way to really show that you're getting value from all of this, especially implementing it all. So I wanted to ask you a couple of questions. Have you ever been resentful of people? Have you ever felt like people are taking advantage of you or just feel drained and maybe just need to kind of put certain things down altogether? Well, that's what we're going to be talking about in today's episode, which is about boundaries are for ballers. Boundaries are for ballers. Let me speak more about that. So oftentimes we are people who have goals, obviously have objectives, have things that we want, whether it be more points, we want to be a top scorer, We— and if it comes to other areas of our life, we want more money or even sports, right? We want a better contract. We want, um, you know, just better things out of life. But often we are looking outside of ourselves for where there is— why we're not having those things, right? Maybe it's because this person isn't respecting my boundary, or this, that, and the other, right? So I want to talk about that today because, uh, I'm going to think about it in the context of a sport, okay? And if I am on offense and I am wanting to score, whatever the sport is, right, I am not just alone in that effort because there's another side to that whole transaction, which is the defense. The defense's job is to stop me at all costs. Okay. So it's my job to create space, to be able to accomplish my objective, which is to score, to, you know, make my points, to become, you know, on the offensive, you know, movement, to make progress down the field if it's football, whatever the case is. But the defense's job is to stop me, to push me back. Or to take the ball away. I cannot— now, in my scenario that I'm talking about, it would be foolish for me to be upset at the defense for doing a good job, right? I mean, I'm like, why are you guarding me so close? I remember when I played basketball in high school and there was a young lady who was really good at defense. I'm talking about smothering defense, and I, in my naivete as a new basketball player and not having maybe any really aggressive idea about how to play offense or anything like that, I was upset. Like, why are you guarding me so close? Like, what's going on? Why is she all in my space? But her job is to be in your face. Now, obviously, as a good offensive player, I know how to create the space to, to create opportunities, whether it be for a pass or a step-back pull-up, right? Whatever. Or a pivot dribble, whatever the case is. Rather than getting upset at the defense, I need to stay focused on what's important for me. So what I'm using or implying with this analogy, uh, uh, example is to show that it's my job to create that space. It's not her job to honor that space. Does that make sense? So when we say boundaries are for ballers, what I'm saying is if I am spending any energy, any time, any effort, um, or resources on being upset at the individual for doing their job, for seeking their objective, which is to stop me, which is to make it difficult for me to score, all of the things, then that is a waste of my energy, of my time. Don't be mad at good defense, just become better at creating space on offense. So this also is a parallel for life, right? Am I stating what I want in situations, in, um, in scenarios, in— you know, relationships that I'm encountering, and/or am I not? And then being upset at the other person for wanting to accomplish their objectives, their wants, their needs, without me having a strong boundary or a way to create space to get what I want done, or to, you know, make it so that I don't feel taken advantage of or overrun or whatever the case is. Okay, I hope this is making sense because I want to make sure that when we say boundaries are for ballers, it's really to help you start to think, how can I create a healthy boundary here? If I stand behind what I think is best, then I'm going to be better at accomplishing my objectives. So I'll put this in a business context, um, just to kind of give an example, because I think— or business or relationship So if I said I don't want to go out on evenings because I want to work out, I want to work on my craft, become better at my sport, and then someone says, hey, let's go out, and I'm like— and they just propose the idea, like their objective in this instance, sort of like being on, you know, is to go out. My objective was to continue to do what I want to do, which is stay home to work out, to, to work on my sport, my craft, whatever it is, okay? So if I don't say, hey, you know what, actually I've got a plan to stay in to get some reps in, so I'm not going to be able to join you tonight in going out, what purpose would it serve for me to be upset at that person for inviting me? Because this is what I used to do in college. I used to go when people would invite me places. I used to do the things, right? Oh, it's Sunday, I've got, I've got things I need to do, I've got to finish up classwork, I've got things that I want to do. I just want to relax today. But if I say yes, if I say yes to that invitation, then is that really, um, then, and then I end up being resentful of the other person because I did not have a strong, healthy boundary around my own offense, my own objective. Okay, so I want you to guard your offense better. So I want you to play defense that allows you to have better offense. It's sort of like when you're talking about basketball, that person that runs that screen for you so that you're able to make a move, to be able to stop the defense, to have that healthy boundary in that instance rather than get upset at the other person for their objective. So going back to our going out example, I just say, hey, you know what, I'm going to stay in tonight. Thank you for the offer. I hope you have a good time. Because if I say yes, even though I know I have a different objective, then I can't hold you— I have to hold you harmless. Does that make sense? I have to hold you harmless. And it's not to put blame, um, I don't like the word blame, uh, with my clients. We talk about blame as, you know, be lame, and that cripples yourself to not, you know, like once you put your blame on someone else, then it cripples you to actually be on offense. Now you're just a lame duck and you're just sitting still and You know, we know how that works in like, um, video games that are about war or shooting, right? You don't want to be out in the open just being a lame duck, right? So we want to always have the ability to do something about our situation. So if I decide to go, then I am responsible for my decision. So boundaries are for ballers. If I want to be a baller, if I want to have the best objective in my life, I need to move I need to move my offense forward knowing there will be resistance from the defense, but that's okay because that they're just doing their job. They're testing my boundary because I'm saying yes, I want this. So, you know, a good game, a good opportunity is when there is good defense. Okay, so one, how do you really, you know, how do you really have boundaries? For example, first you need to know, um, what is your objective? Okay, so my objective is to score, my objective is to get rest, my My objective is to eat healthy. My objective is to honor my feelings, my wishes, whatever they are, whether it be a relationship and your, you know, teammates, whatever. My honor— my boundary is not to have behaviors that are unhealthy for me. So make healthier decisions. So sometimes the not is not as helpful. It's more like, what do I want, not what I don't want. But sometimes knowing what you don't want helps you know what you do want.

Okay.

So I need to be clear on what my objective is. Okay. Secondly, I need to identify the other team's objective, right? In this instance, this other person I'm interacting with, right? Obviously this person's job is to stop me from scoring. This person's job is to stop me going left when they know that that's my strong side, right? As a dribbler or as an offensive mover that I like to go left. I've got a pattern. They've watched film on me. Okay. So they're, you know, what's their objective? Objective. What it— what, what do they know about me and how can I use that to my advantage? Okay, and then how can I create a strong boundary around the decisions that I want to make to move my offense down the field, down the court, down the, you know, okay, so down the ice, whatever the case is. Okay, so that's the other thing. I need to know what they want and then I need to know what my hard stop is. What's my boundary? What am I— so if I know what I want and I know what they want And I honor what they want. I don't— I can't control what they want. I can't control what they do, right? It's— it's— of course they're going to want to get in my space. Of course they're going to want to make it difficult for me to go right or left or whatever they know about me. So I'm not upset at them. I'm going to use what they know about me to my advantage to create a healthy boundary, step back, create space on my offense, and then I'm going to go ahead and move in the direction of what I want as best as I can to get as close to my objective as possible. Um, which is to score, which is to move the ball down the field, which, you know, so first down, couple yards, whatever the case is, to keep making my progress move forward to my goal and not hold you harmless, you know, and not hold you blaming you because I'm not making progress. Okay, so I hope this was helpful for you because I think it's really important that people have healthy boundaries because a lot of times what What happens is you— we're blaming the other person for not respecting our boundaries while not actually drawing the boundary. So if we do have someone that's not respecting our boundaries, again, how do you create space? Not how do you make them respect your boundary. Is this clear? I hope you guys get this because it's not about making them do anything. The only person in this scenario that you can control is you. Is you. Okay, so anytime you are looking at their defense, at what they're doing to control them, you, you got your eye on the wrong side of the field, wrong side of the court. You need to be on your side. What can I do? What, you know, what do I think they're gonna do, and what can I do to basically maneuver around the field? Okay, all right, I hope this was helpful for you. This has been this episode of the Mental Advantage Podcast. I hope— please share below what your favorite takeaway was, what was helpful for you, and we'll see you in the next episode where once again we're bringing you another amazing, you know, person from the wonderful world of sports. See you soon. Bye!