The paradox of perfectionism and the Failure Formula - Episode 25 w/ Coach Bryn

like you're now way better than the 6 months ago version of you. But the 6 months ago version of you thought you were pretty darn good. But now you look back with your hindsight and go, man, I did not know that thing about my shot, or that thing about my throw, or that thing about my catch, or, you know, whatever it is. You've gotten better because you keep working at it. Okay, so failure is a part of the process. All right, it is inevitable. I'm excited for you to see this week's episode, but before we get to that, I have a message for you. If you're a parent of an elite athlete or a coach of a high-performing team and you want— you're looking for some help or assistance with making them more mentally resilient, perform with more confidence, be more consistent, anything like that, then this is for you. I have an 8-week program all designed to address exactly that, to help your athlete be at their best on a more consistent basis and not get tripped up by those little voices in their head and getting down on themselves for mistakes, but performing like we know they can. So what I want you to do is don't delay, schedule a— just grab a time on my calendar through this link, and let's set up a time to talk about your specific situation and how what I'm offering in my 8-week program can help. Okay, so it's Bryn Drescher, www.jennifermcguire.com/freeconsultation. So click this link, grab a time on my calendar. I look forward to talking to you. And now on to this week's episode. We have failure. We're going to be talking about the paradox of perfectionism as well as the failure formula. The failure formula. Okay, so we get a little bit two for one, I guess, so to speak, because I think they go hand in hand. Okay, so definitely watch this if you are an athlete or a parent of an athlete or a coach of an athlete that is struggling with either of these two issues. The biggest offenders of these two things happen to be what they're called high performers. High performers, high performance in the classroom and high performance on the field of play in whatever sport you happen to engage in. Okay, these high performers hold themselves to such a high standard that it causes a lot of the challenges that athletes are facing today— anxiety, lack of confidence— and that can sometimes even, you know, manifest themselves, you know, or go so long that they turn into maybe mental health challenges. So we want to avoid that, so we want to talk about these two things. And I'm gonna get serious about them, okay? But first, let's talk about perfectionism, okay? And by the way, just so that we're on the same page since we're all family here, I am a perfectionist in recovery, in recovery, which means I'm working on my inclinations towards perfectionism, okay? So what does the word paradox mean? Okay, so when we say paradox, what does that mean? So I want to get to that because I wanted to make sure that we had that defined. Okay, a paradox is a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well-founded or true. So what that means is it's like perfectionism, right, and paradoxes mean like we're trying to be a perfectionist, but this doesn't exactly add up to what we think it'll add up to. Okay, so with that, let's talk about perfectionism. If you are an athlete, or like I said, a parent or a coach of an athlete, this— you're most likely someone who's witnessing or experiencing, uh, someone who is not wanting to get it wrong, like just wants it to be perfect, like just doesn't want to put it up there, right? I'm not going to take a shot because I I don't know if I'm gonna make it. I'm not going to, you know, pass because what if I can't pass it right? It's got to be the perfect pass. It's got to be the perfect shot. It's got to be the perfect, um, catch. It's got to be the perfect, uh, you know, turn. It's got to be the perfect serve. It's got to be the perfect whatever, right? So then we become afraid if we can't do that. So why I call it the paradox of perfectionism is that It doesn't actually result in anything. We want it to be done perfect, yet it never is perfect. Now, perfection, besides being unattainable, is that really the sentence just needs to end after the word "is." It never is. It never comes into being because most of the time perfectionism is one of the number one stoppers of actual productivity doing anything. We're not doers. We're standing still. And the only time anything ever happens is in motion and action. We learn more from our action than we ever do from learning, right? From like reading a book or from, you know, just watching something. We have to, you know, it's kind of like trying to learn how to play hockey from watching people play hockey and then being like, oh, I'm an excellent hockey player now. I've never gone on the ice. I've never ice skated. I've never grabbed a puck or a stick. I just know I'm an excellent hockey player because I've watched those people, so I'm, I'm amazing. You do not become perfect in just watching anything, right? So we have to get out of this idea that perfectionism is what we're going for, because it doesn't exist. It's this thing, this idea, this ideal that keeps us stuck in this idea of since you can never be perfect, literally no such thing, right? Then what is the point if I'm going for perfectionism, which is only going to keep me from doing anything? So that is the thing. Stop calling yourself a perfectionist. Number one thing for you as an athlete, we talk a lot about identity. But what I really need as a high performer is for you to stop holding yourself to this impossible standard of perfectionism, because you can't reach it. And it's the main reason you're having some of these challenges regulating your emotions, feeling okay, because you just— you've set the bar so gosh darn high that you can't even reach it. And therefore, it's just a failing proposition. All right, so we want to get out of this idea that we can be perfect. Okay, we can be perfect. All right, I had a young lady that I was talking to not so long ago who said that she wanted to make sure that she didn't walk anybody. She's a softball player, and she's like, yeah, I just don't want any walks. Like, I want you to help me with no walks. So the interesting thing about that is, and I asked her, I said, you know, is there any, um, you know, because maybe I don't know, right? I don't watch a lot of baseball or softball. So is there any 100% pitchers, like never thrown a walk, never thrown a ball in their entire career or anything like that? She's like, no, I don't know any. Hmm. I happen to know for a fact there's no such thing as a 100% shooter, 100% catcher, thrower. You know, anybody in any sport in anywhere, okay? Yet we're all trying to avoid not being perfect, okay? So let's get perfectionism out there. And the number one way to kill that is to recognize that it's unattainable, that you're actually not going to ever bring anything to being by being perfect. And lastly, and most importantly, change that language. Stop stop calling yourself a perfectionist. Don't identify with it, don't claim it, just move away from that because language is so powerful. Okay, so are we in agreement now, you and me? No more calling ourselves perfectionists. Okay, good, that's great. Now we're gonna go into what I think is a really powerful thing, which is, okay, if I can't be perfect, I'm still afraid of failure. I mean, failure kills— in the words of Les Brown, failure kills more dreams than anything ever does, right? Fear kills more dreams. I'm sorry, he says fear kills more dreams than anything, right? So in that, right, we have to, we have to kind of figure out what we're going to do with this failure thing. Because, you know, I never want to lose a game, I never want to miss a shot, I never want to do any of these things. I hate it. I hate the feeling of taking a shot, missing it, hearing the crowd go, "Oh!" Or, you know, any of those things. You know, making mistakes just sucks. Hey, listen, the funny thing about sucking— I'm glad you brought it up. You're like, "No, you brought it up." No, you brought it up. Okay, all right, I said it. But the point is, the funny thing about sucking is that I like to break the word success down as success. Success. You've got to suck first, right? Because pretty much anything you've ever endeavored in, you used to suck at. Let's be real, okay? You were a terrible walker at one point. You couldn't even talk, right? You couldn't put words together. You were mispronouncing things left and right, and you're like, but I was a baby. But that's the point. You all start in the infancy stages of a thing, and at that time it was revelatory. People were celebrating. They The fact that you even got up for 5 seconds, even if you fell over, but you had to suck first. And then you had to keep sucking to the point of, you know, being willing to go through the suck phase to get to the cess phase, cessation, which is stop sucking. So success. So the first step in our failure formula, okay, is you must understand that failing is a part of the process. Literally everything you have ever done, you were terrible at first. If we show footage of your early days on the court, on the ice, on the field, in the arena, you were not good at first. But because you stuck with it long enough, you experienced levels, graduated levels of proficiency to the point of excellence to a degree. And even now, the you now— 6 months ago wasn't as good as, you know, like, you're now way better than the 6 months ago version of you. But the 6 months ago version of you thought you were pretty darn good. But now you look back with your hindsight and go, man, I did not know that thing about my shot, or that thing about my throw, or that thing about my catch, or, you know, whatever it is You've gotten better because you keep working at it. Okay, so failure is a part of the process. All right, it is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. You will inevitably fail. Henry Ford said this because a lot of people think that in order to, in order to, uh, succeed, right, I gotta be really good. Henry Ford said this: people who don't make mistakes end up working for people who do make mistakes. So the most successful, greatest people in our sports that we love made more mistakes than anyone, okay? So the greater failures, right, the greater failures are the more successful people, okay? So failure is inevitable. So you want to be a good failure. Okay, so we gotta embrace it. We gotta embrace that in order to become a great shooter, I'm gonna have to miss a lot of shots. In order to become a great anything— a tennis player, volleyball player— I'm gonna have to whiff on some shots. I'm gonna have to put the spike in the wrong place. I'm gonna have to, you know, you know, hit a ball out in tennis. That is going to happen. But as I get more proficient with the swings of my racket, I'm gonna have more balls that land in and place them where I want to. But I have to be willing to go through the process of not knowing where to hit, how to hit the ball, how to swing my racket, how to do all of those things. Okay, so failure is inevitable. This is important. Okay, I want to make sure, you know, because they say you miss 100% of the shots that you don't take, right? 100% of the shots you don't take. But again, as we already said, there's no 100% shooters out there. Okay, so you gotta take shots. All right, at the beginning of the pandemic, fun fact, I actually went out to a basketball court near here and I took shots every day because I didn't really want to do like— I don't really enjoy like working out at home. Like, you know, some people like to run on a treadmill. I like to run out into the world or whatever. But I decided I wanted to kind of get in the head of one of my athletes since I work largely with basketball players. I went out to a nearby court and I just went and I shot free throws. I put up on average anywhere between 150 to 200 a day. I got to about 200, 250 a day, and I was keeping track in a notebook like this, and I was writing down in sets of 10 how many out of 10 I made. So I missed a lot of shots, I'm going to be honest with you, but rather than just you know, keep track of that. Um, you know, how many out of 200 did I make? I did it in sets of 10 so I could see, okay, on average out of 10 shots, how many shots was I making? So maybe in the beginning I was making like 3 out of 10, 2 out of 10, 4 out of 10. And then as I got more proficient, my percentage increased, right? I was able to shoot better. I had better form. I found it easier. I had times that I released the ball and it got better., but I had to be willing to do what? I had to be willing to miss. I had to be willing to go out and figure it out. Okay, the second part of the failure formula is that you must fail fast. You must fail fast. So what does that mean? Well, in going back to my story, instead of doing keeping track out of 200, I needed to know what my feedback was out of 10. So on the next set of 10, I could make some adjustments. So I needed to fail fast. I needed to get through my shot. Now, that doesn't mean rushing my shots or rushing your catches or your throws or your, your, your, your spikes or serves or any of that stuff. It just means you're looking for a segment of time that I'm willing to risk failure to get some— step 3— feedback. Okay, feedback. So out of 2 out of 10 tells me, okay, there's something off with my shot. Am I using the correct form? Am I using too much arms, not enough legs? Is there enough mechanical motion going? And is it flowing? How am I feeling when the ball releases? That type of stuff. So if I fail fast, right, then I get a chance to get closer to success. It is said that failure and success are two sides of the same coin. So what that means is the most, as I've already said, the most failing people are the most successful. Obviously, one of the top examples they like to use is Mr. Thomas Edison. How many times, how many, how many, how many attempts at, um, inventing a light bulb, according to folklore, did it take? 10,000. He had to be willing to risk 10,000 failures to get to one light bulb. One light bulb that changed the world. But he was willing— he had to fail fast. He had to know, okay, this isn't working, this isn't working, this isn't working, this isn't working. Again, not stopped by perfection because we've done away with that. And so you need to be out-failure, right? You have to out-fail people so that you can out-success them. Do you get this? I want you to out-fail people so you can out-success them. Like, yo, I'm about to out-fail these people. I'm about to put up more production, okay, like 10,000 reps, all right, so that I can get that much better, right? And they said the whole 10,000 hours and all that, and I know there's some people say it's not true. It doesn't matter. Put in reps, okay? Put in reps. And then the most important component of the failure formula is you gotta use it as feedback. What's the feedback? What is this telling me? This quick failure is telling me what? You know, my form's off, um, I'm not conditioned enough. I want to tell the story of the good old Kobe Bryant. We all know about Kobe, right? He airballed several times in his, uh, rookie season in a crucial game against the Utah Jazz. I believe it was close to the playoffs, if not in the playoffs. And he was asked later, were you embarrassed by that? I mean, you're an NBA player right? You are like on the, the pinnacle of basketball height, right? And you airball? Like, who airballs in the NBA? But he said no. He said, no, I wasn't embarrassed, but I was perplexed as to why it was happening, and I knew I needed to figure out why. So once I examined the information, it was like, well, if you don't know, Kobe came from high school straight to the NBA. A high school season, let's say, does something around 30, 40 games. For a college— I mean, an NBA player, it's like 82-game season, and that's not even including playoffs, as far as I know. And you can correct me and be like, no, it's actually 82 including playoffs. You can tell me. I don't, I don't know. So if I, you know, where obviously I didn't have that much conditioning, I didn't do that much because, you know, once you get drafted, you're just on an NBA team and you're off to the races. So he didn't realize he didn't have enough conditioning and strength in his legs to go the distance of an NBA season, which is why he was basically— his legs were dead and he didn't have what he needed to see the rest of that game through. So he made sure it never happened again because he studied the feedback, right? He became a student of his own failure. And then instead of getting all wrapped up in it, he decided, Okay, you know what? I see what happened here. I see what happened here. Fix it, move on. Fix it, move on. Fix it, move on. Okay, now oftentimes you will find, and I have found this with several of my clients, where they will avoid taking shots, doing things, because they don't want to make mistakes, or they will suffer their mistakes, right? Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. So in other words, they miss on this end and now they're basically boohooing all the way to the other end of the court, or they're boohooing on this end of the court and they're not even down there when the, you know, defense turns into offense and they're running down to take a shot on our basket, or whatever the case is. I want you to listen carefully. There are no badges or medals or trophies or awards for who suffers their mistakes the most. This is very important. You don't get extra credit for knowing that it sucks to make mistakes. Oh, it's terrible, you don't understand, I missed the shot. Hey, we get it, you feel bad, you missed a shot, you let your team down, all this. Wait, is that true? Did you let your team down? Did you let everybody down? Did the whole world end? No. What you're doing is you're in a me loop. A selfish loop. And now your team is one man down, one man down because you're in your me loop. And so if you happen to play in a game like basketball where it's 5 on 5, now it's 5 on 4. And we know in soccer when you take a player off the field, it makes it that much easier to score. So similarly, I'm sure it's the same in basketball. The point is, is that we need all of our personnel to be there. So we We gotta, we gotta shake off those mistakes as quick as possible. We gotta fail fast and we gotta recover fast. Okay, fail fast, recover fast, fail fast, recover fast. And the way to do that is to recognize that failure is just feedback that is meant to be studied and then transmuted into fertilizer to then give you the next crop. Failure is just feedback, failure is just fertilizer, fail forward— all of these wonderful expressions that will help you move on to the next step. All I need you to do is get over this idea that it's your fault that it came down to the last shot. All these things— it should never come down to the last shot. Yes, it's great to be clutch, it's great to be counted on, all of those things, but Michael Jordan has even said, I was counted on making the last second shot and I've lost— I've missed it. It, it happens. The greatest in the game— Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Steph Curry, LeBron James, you know, uh, Sue Bird, Diana Taurasi, uh, you know, uh, Serena Williams, Naomi Osaka, Simone Biles— every single person you can look up to in any sport will tell you they have missed more, you know, like they've missed, they've missed when they were counted on. They've, they've not been able to always be clutch every single time down the court, down the field. On the mat, in the gym, etc. But what made them great is they didn't quit after those mistakes. They didn't quit. They came back, they learned from it, and it made them better. So in order to be the best version of yourself, just in summary, you have to let go of perfectionism. You have to understand that failure is inevitable. You gotta get really good at failing fast. Give yourself a shortened amount of time. Don't try to just look at the entire game, right? Look at the first quarter, then go to the next set if you're playing tennis, or the next half if you're playing soccer, whatever it is. But always evaluate what's happening in a shorter time frame so that you can then use that as feedback to spring to the next portion of the match, the game, the event. You guys get what I'm saying? Okay, I know that this is something that you can do. We don't need— we need to stop fearing failure. We need to get away from this idea that we need to be perfect. And the biggest issue with perfectionism is that most of us feel like we're imposters, right? Oh my gosh, everyone's gonna find out that I don't make all my shots, or that I'm not the leader that I thought I was, or I'm not the example Adam Grant, in his recent book Think Again, says that imposter syndrome is where competence, like the amount of things you know, your ability, your skill, exceeds your confidence. And as we've talked about in a previous episode of this podcast, confidence is just repeated action over time, kind of like where we talked about in the beginning of this episode where we just gotta suck and then we gotta stop sucking. So the only way for you to kill imposter syndrome to get more confidence, to decide that you've got this, is just to keep going and build up that strength. And you got to be like the bounce of the ball, rebound. You got to rebound quickly. You got to rebound quickly, find a way to be okay with failure and move to the next stage, the next phase, the next stage, and just take what you learned with you. And if you don't have time, because in the middle of a game sometimes you don't have time to learn from it, then you have an opportunity to just leave it in the past and go on to the fresh, newly minted present and make things anew. And understand that the only way to get better at shooting is to take more shots. The only way to get better at passing is to make more passes. The only way to get better at throwing is to throw more balls. To hitting is to hit more, have more at-bats, all of that stuff. So you just gotta get back into the thing of doing, but you gotta make it quality. So we're not just throwing balls up for that sake. We've got to be at least dedicated to quality reps, quality reps where we're actually committed to making those adjustments, getting the right thing, and then getting somebody outside of yourself to give you some feedback. Okay, get some feedback, help you have that thing, do film sessions, make sure you're paying attention, taking those notes, running things over in your mind and understanding that this is just a moment, a blip in the grand scheme of things. But everybody that you admire, that you adore, that you put posters up of on your wall, they have failed more times than you will ever know. And you can out-fail them if you're willing to keep going. You just can't quit. All right, so we've agreed, no more perfectionism, no more letting imposter syndrome keep us down. And no more getting stuck on failure, understanding that it's a part of the process, and we're in our destiny to be great, to go to the next level, to play all the way to the highest heights of our sport, whether we want to play in college, be a professional, play overseas, you know, all the things, then we are going to be failing, and we're going to out-fail all of our competition because that is going to make us the greatest success. So I hope you got value from today's episode. Please leave me a comment below. Let me know what was your favorite part, your biggest takeaway. How are you going to adapt failure— this failure formula into your life and let go of that paradox of perfectionism? And make sure you stay tuned because I got another great interview coming to you next week. And just thank you so much for tuning in. Remember to like, comment, and subscribe, and share with somebody that you know that will get value from this. Have a great day, and I'll see you in the next episode.