5 Essential Steps to Help Your Child Settle Into School or Nursery

It's that time of year when parents are anxious about their child starting school. Isn't there a whole list of things to worry about? Will she make friends? What will his teachers be like? What if she won't eat lunch or use the toilet? How will he cope in large classes? Will she get overwhelmed and miss me? What if he gets picked on? Or what if she misbehaves? In fact, my client Alison is so worried about her 4-year-old starting school that she begged me to do a podcast episode on this. So here we are. But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Well, I want to reassure you that in today's episode, 'How to Help Your Child Settle Into School,' I'm going to be giving you 5 positive things that parents can do to help the school year get off to a great start. I want you to listen up because if we don't take care, school can start off badly, and then it takes us so much longer to get them back on track and skipping into the school building without a backwards glance. But before I tell you about the 5 steps to take, let's take a quick look why kids can feel anxious. Separation anxiety is really there for them, even though they might have been in a different setting previously. The mere idea of change is unsettling for them, and they know that we won't be with them to help them adjust to the change. The prospect of a new environment, or even the same school but a different teacher and perhaps different classmates, even a different classroom, makes them fearful. They've also got to adjust to new rules and tasks that they're not familiar with, or they might be worried that they're expected to do things that they're not able to do yet, like change into sports clothes. All these contribute to a child being anxious in the new school year. So listen on as not only am I going to cover 5 ways to help your child settle in, but I'm also going to be answering the question of the week: How do I handle it when my child clings on to me and says, 'Don't leave me'? So on to solutions. Here's the first way that we can help a child settle into school. Now please don't press yourself to do all 5, but the good news is that you don't need to make notes. I've got you covered because I have a free guide with 10 ways to help kids settle into school. So I'm going to tell you how to get that shortly. But number 1, encourage independence. This is so important. We think that we're being kind by doing things for our kids, but actually all the evidence shows that when we teach our kids basic skills, so things like getting dressed, using the toilet, packing their school bag, we instill confidence in them. Now, you might have a child who says, 'You do it for me,' things like wiping after they've used the toilet or getting dressed. And often we can't face the fight, so we continue to do things for them. But believe me, 4 kids and years of experience in working with parents, and also where I've made many mistakes myself, I know that the more we get them to do things for themselves, the better it is when they're not with us. It's also known to be so good for their belief in themselves and their capability when they're independent. This is something my clients Dan and Amy were really stuck with, as their daughter Jenny was so resistant to being independent. So we worked together on breaking down this task step by step so that Jenny didn't tackle getting dressed in one shot. But they started off with making it into a fun game and getting Jenny to take off her pajamas, and then we progressed to further steps that she could do. Same with the toilet— Dan got her to practice pulling her clothes down, tearing off the toilet paper first, after which they progressed to wiping. Remember that a child wiping their own bottom really is a complicated maneuver. It's definitely possible, but it takes time to learn, and it's something that's so valuable to teach them. I would I'd say never before the age of 3, but after the age of 3, we could be starting to teach them how to do this independently, and certainly by the time they start in primary school. So here is the second step with helping kids settling to school. It's establish a routine. Make sure that you have a really clear daily routine. Preferably, this should be written out or with pictures so that your child knows what to expect. We want kids to know what is going to happen when. So for example, in the morning, when do you want them to get dressed? Now personally, I recommend that this is done very soon after they get up, and I do recommend before breakfast. Now parents often worry about the spills that are going to go on their school clothes, but these can be wiped with a wet cloth. It just makes it so much easier. And also stay with them when they get dressed. Now I go into this in much more detail in episode 1, Managing Morning Mayhem, so go back and listen. But we make things easy for them. So for example, I think brushing teeth before breakfast is a really good idea, and then you just know that that task is done. For kids, it seems like every day is new, but we expect them to remember, but they often don't. So that's why visual aids are really helpful. Also have a clear after-school routine and bedtime routine, as much as possible the same thing every day. Now, why does this help? Because with a clear routine, children feel so much more secure and it really does reduce their anxiety. And I recommend that you just point to the words or the pictures as you talk them through their routine. Now, like take my client Joanna. Now she resisted routines before we worked together. She said they felt, she felt they were too rigid and she liked spontaneity. However, when I explained that a lot of her kids' resistance was because they didn't know what to expect and I helped her to establish a routine that worked for her family, she reported that it was like a game changer. Her kids actually liked it and became so keen to look at their charts and move from one stage of the routine to the other. She used my task trackers that I supplied her with, but they started pointing out things like, "Mummy, you forgot that we get dressed, then we do our teeth," if she tried to do it the other way around. So just so useful to know. So here is the third step that we can take when we want to help our kids settle into a good routine for school: engaging in role play. So this will help them engage in conversation with other kids. Now, kids often get stuck with what to say or how to approach another child. I remember doing this before my oldest daughter Scarlett started school. We practiced asking someone their name, asking something about them, what their favorite food was, things like that. And so I was so thrilled when not long after she started school, she came back and said, 'Mummy, I made a friend.' I said to her, 'Hello, my name's Scarlet, what's yours?' And she said it was Libby. Then I asked, 'Do you like playing on the climbing frame?' And she said yes, so we went to play. Now, the younger the child, the less likely they will be to establish clear friendships, especially early on. So don't expect a best friend from day one. There's so much for them to take on when they start a new school. Or they're in a new class, new rules, new teacher, often a kind of sensory overload, so their capacity to make friends is diminished. But here is step 4 for helping a child adapt to school: read books about starting school. Age-appropriate books about starting school and discussing the stories with your child, they can really provide a positive perspective on the experience and open up conversations about any fears our children might have or questions that they might have. They really can be so helpful. Books that feature characters overcoming first-day jitters or the reluctance to go in is so reassuring for children that their feelings are normal. You know, there are lots of books about friendship and what's it feel— what it feels like to feel lonely. We personally, our family, loved Lauren Child's book I'm Absolutely Too Small For School, and also Starting School by Janet and Alan Ahlberg. So finally, the fifth way to help kids adapt to school: bedtime. Before school starts or early in the school year, just, I really recommend that you bring bedtime forward. We're aiming for a bedtime much often earlier than we might have thought was possible. The evidence is, is that when kids are wired at bedtime, it often means that we've missed the sleep window. So try bringing it forward and plus leaving some time for connection with us. So we all know that when we ask the question, how was school? Or what did you do? They typically say nothing. This is because straight after school their brain is in overload. But closer to bedtime, things start to rise to the surface. So it really is helpful to allow them time to chat. And here's one great question to ask: is there anything that you want to tell me that you haven't told me yet today? Really good to get their brain thinking along those lines. And good to get them to open up about their fears. So today I've covered 5 ways to help your children settle into school, but the good news is that you can grab my free guide, 10 Ways to Help Your Child Settle into School. All you need to do is go to myparentingsolutions.com, which is my website, forward slash school, myparentingsolutions.com/school, and that gives you all that we've covered and more. Don't forget, we're going to cover question of the week, so don't go away. How do I handle it when my child clings onto me and says, "Don't leave"? That's the, that's the question. But I wanted to reiterate that starting in any kind of school environment, whether it's daycare, preschool, or primary school, is a significant step in our child's life and can be met with many other challenges that accompany it. Things that I couldn't cover in today's episode. And that's why parents will often choose to work with me directly. If you wanted to jump on a call to find out how, just go to my, uh, website, as I said, myparentingsolutions.com, to book a discovery call. So on to the question of the week: don't leave me. I just want to acknowledge how painful it is when this happens. I also want to say that if you have a child who struggles with separation, please don't blame yourself. They are all different, but there are things that we can do. And remember, our children are sponges for us, so they pick up on our own anxiety without us realizing. We also need to remember that they will adapt, often faster than we could anticipate, and that we can help them go through the bumps. So please, Trust that your child will be okay, and that will help you to lower your own anxiety. So definitely, here's a really great thing to do: practice the goodbye routine as much as you can. If your child doesn't want to practice it, then use dollies or teddies to demonstrate it. But we want to get them to tell us exactly what they want us to say when we say goodbye, and we can remind them on the way to school of the words that they've chosen. So when it comes to the goodbye, Say what they want you to say. Don't linger. It actually raises our children's levels of anxiety and it makes it harder for them and us. I know how upsetting it is, but please do not cry in front of them. Go around the corner once they're out of eyesight, have a good cry, and know that the teacher will take charge. And likely as not, they're going to be fine in a very short space of time. And we can give them something to hold or look at that reminds them of us, that reminds them that we're thinking of them even when we're not together. So thank you for listening today. There's— I know I've covered a lot, so I do hope you'll go and get that free guide, um, and I hope that this makes the start of school a positive experience for both you and your child. Remember, please tell your friends about my podcast, Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Hit follow and subscribe, and in the next episode, I'm going to be covering working parent guilt. So, and also remember, every small step you take to become a better parent is a hugely positive thing for your child. So thanks again for listening today.