Camilla answering some great questions

Just as a quick little intro, some of you may know, some of you may not, uh, that I'm Camilla McGill. I run My Parenting Solutions. Um, I'm a mom of 4 quite grown-up kids now, so my youngest is 18, and I am absolutely passionate about parenting. So I've had my own many, many struggles over the years with my children. I, I went to a class when my youngest was only rising 3, and I was struggling. And I had worked in training and development. I'd been very much used to working with groups of parents about— sorry, not parents, people— teaching them about communication skills. And I rather thought that that would be terribly useful when I have my own children, except I don't know if any of you here are teachers or work with children. Yeah, so I've got some nods. So, um, isn't it different when they're our own children to, to either working with children or certainly communicating with adults? So, uh, I was struggling and I, and I, and I actually thought, you know what, I'm not managing this on my own. Went along to a film. Somebody needs to mute. Yeah. So, um, and it was so transformational and so helpful. Um, I then went on— I had two children at the time— went on to have two more, and I've never stopped learning. So I trained as a coaching, and I've never stopped learning. And in fact, my second child, who was only a baby when I went to this parenting class, was really, really difficult. So he's the most amazing 23-year-old, 22-year-old now. And, but boy, I kind of, if I believe in God, which I'm never sure about, he was kind of sent to test everything that I taught in, you know, in a really kind of talk about stress testing, you know, when you, You see those IKEA kitchens and you see the machine pushing, pushing, pushing to stress test whether those kitchens collapse. Well, Felix, bless him, that's what he did. And I'm not saying my other children didn't propose challenges, they all have, but he was really the one that kind of made me, you know, very vigilant about what I teach. And in fact, since then I've learned even more. There's always research coming out. I've got my finger on the pulse. I'm always reading and watching and learning and And I think, oh gosh, I wish I'd known some of this new stuff when my kids were little and particularly Felix. So it's, yeah, that's me and that is why I'm here. I'm here to inspire you to answer your questions. And I will also encourage you to think about how you might wanna take this further because one session like this is gonna give you some ideas, And there's so much more to learn. And whether that's taking things further with me because you've met me here and you think, yeah, I really, you know, she fits with my values, my, the kind of my aspirations. I realize I'm not for everybody, but if I fit for your aspirations as a parent and you think, yeah, I, I'd like to go further, I will invite you to join my course, the Parent Survival Academy. And that's what I was referring to earlier. And some of you may want to become a premium client where you work closely on a one-to-one with me. So that's there for me. So at all worried about— we know that they're gonna— we've got to get them to do something that they don't really want to do. Now it might be, or they're in a situation where they're not happy with what's happening. So it's always really important to let them know ahead of time. And I often will recommend that parents do a kind of run-through or a practice. So I would say to him, you know, he'll only have kind of perhaps a limited language at this stage, but so say for example, you know, if you've got a child that hates leaving in the morning, or if you've got a child that doesn't like leaving the park, or if, you know, you've got to go out and you've got to babysit it, these kind of situations where they kick up a fuss. And I'm not saying he's kicking up a fuss, you know, he's upset, he's frightened. But that's, you know, another way of describing it if it's getting them to go to bed or something, you know, they're kicking up a fuss. So we're going to go, we're going to tell them quite clearly in advance ahead of time. So, and I know this feels like, oh my goodness, 'You know, I'm just literally going out of the room to wash my hands' in your situation. But it's that idea that is, if we can put in a bit of time to help address situations that we know our kids aren't very happy with, we'll get a much better result. And it's stressful for you. Reassurance, and this is really applicable to any of you, is put into words that they're upset about this. So, 'In a minute, I'm going to go outside. I've just changed your nappy,' say this is your case, 'and I'm going to go and wash my hands. You don't like it when I leave the room.' So say it was leaving the house in the morning, I might give a bit more warning with that, you know, 'In 10 minutes' time, it's going to be time to leave the house.' You get upset when it's time to go. So it's, it's having a child, and this is, you know, one of the principles, and in my course, the Parent Survival Academy, we go really deep into this, but it's, it's that principle that we learn, and it, and we might adjust our language to different situations and different age children, but that we learn, um, how to have them feel understood. How to have them feel that we've really got the things they don't like to do. Okay. You might not like the fact that they don't like things, or it might feel be aggravating to us, but they need to feel like we've really got them. So in a, in a morning situation, it would be, you know, in, in, in 15 minutes' time or 10 minutes, you can adjust how— even the night before, I would recommend going through this. I'm going— it's going to be time to leave. So with your case, I'm going to be going to wash my hands. You feel upset when this happens. You don't— in your case, Stacey-Ann, you don't like me. It might be, you can stay here. Do you— would you rather that he didn't come with you? Would that be the easiest outcome because you just want to dash quickly and wash your hands? Is that— yeah, I, I sort of want him just to sort of have that independence, you know, to stay. He can look after himself kind of thing. So you might say, what could you do while I go out? Okay. And it might be to direct him. Would you like to play with your train? Would you like to read a book? So we're kind of setting it up so that he's much more used to knowing what to expect, giving him an option of what he can do. And then if you're going to do this kind of ahead of the time. I might even practice like going out for 30 seconds and coming back in again and saying, you, you played with your train and see, I came back. So every time you come back, you say, see, I came back and you were okay. You played with your train, you read your book. So that's, that's, you know, I, I, I, if I had you in my course, I would be able to give you a bit more on that. But that's a kind of quick answer to that question, which is, um, you know, what do we do when we have to give them— do stuff that they don't like to do? And what I want you to know is, um, please don't feel that it's your fault, that you're a bad parent because he's like this. There's a lot that, you know, and, and I, I think I mentioned in the, um, the blurb, this is a non-judgmental environment where you actually go away feeling relief, not 'Oh my God,' you know. So, um, if anybody else has had these sort of situations where, you know, just literally stick your hand up because I— yeah, so we've already got some hands come up. Um, one of the things when it's got to that stage where he's screaming and hitting out at you, and, and I've had it and I'm sure many people have had it, so somebody already has said my daughter's same. So, um, the, um, what's happening in their brain is it's like it's gone to brain freeze for them. Although, or we can describe it in different ways. There's brain freeze, there's kind of red mist come down, uh, there's alarm bells going off. And it might not, because he might seem like he doesn't care, but the fact that he, he's unable to listen and take on that, you know, it's time for the bath or it's time to get off that platform is showing us that he's gone to that stage. And when they've gone to that stage, it is very hard to reach them. But we've got to remind ourselves, sometimes we need to take a breath. We've got to remind ourselves he's a 4-year-old. He's excitable. He's doing, in the instance of the standing, running around the playground and standing on the thing, he's got a lot of energy. He needs to release this energy. In the terms of the bath, he's probably doing something before bath time that he really liked. Is that, you know, that he doesn't want to stop? So transitions are difficult for lots of children. So, um, it's that what I'm always about. It's never just, um, it's about— it's not about completely accepting their behavior, but it's about understanding and standing in their shoes and thinking, this is why 'He's being like this.' So that can just help us have a bit more of an empathetic response rather than, 'Oh my God, I've produced a monster. His sister's not like this. You know, what, what's happening?' And, and we also escalate. 'He's 4.' I mean, I had this. So my, my, um, when I came into parenting, my, my eldest was a hitter. Uh, that's actually why I, I started. So we'd go to playgroup and he'd hit other children. Well, I went to, if he's like this at 3, he's gonna be in prison by the time he is 18. But I didn't even really know I was doing that. But you know, but I, that was partly, you know, it causes the sort of a stress reaction from us because we think if I can't control a 4-year-old who's running around the playground, what's he gonna be like when he starts school? What's he gonna be like when he is a teenager? I've gotta, you know, knock this out of him otherwise. I'm— we're facing massive trouble. So I will always say, look, let's bring it back to now. What we do now does definitely have an impact on them. It's not our fault. We, we, we can certainly help, but, but some children are just more feisty than others, um, and some children are just more feeling than others, you know. They, they really feel things deeply, and they— and he's probably one of them. Stopping playing— is he watching TV before his bath? Is that— is difficult. So I would sort of pre-warn managing the expectation around the screen. But say you've managed that and you've stopped the screen, I would have told him before he's even watched something, I'd have asked him what's going to happen after, after you finish. What's his favourite programme? What's— oh, Octonauts. Octonauts. Okay. So Wilf, Wilfred, is it a Wilf? I think it's Wilf. So when Octonauts is over, and this is again, it's about this sort of clarity. It's not everything, I promise you that it's not everything that I teach, but this is one of the little snippets and I hope you take this away. When Octonauts is over, you're probably gonna feel a bit upset 'cause you love your program. So what you're doing is you're managing their expectation of what's going to happen, but also their expectation of how they're going to feel. Yeah, he probably is upset. It's disappointing. You love your program, it's so fun. You, you really don't want it to end. And then what's it time for? And you try and get him to answer. It's time for bath. Yeah. And that's really annoying because you would just— if it was up to you, this is again something I teach about giving wishes and fantasy. If it was up to you, you'd You'd just watch Octonauts all the time. And, and we are adjusting our tone of voice so we're showing empathy. And I'm experienced in this, by the way. A lot of my clients say, I'd like to have you in my ear. In fact, they actually say that, you know, on, if they watch the Parent Survival Academy videos, there's a lot of different examples with little role plays. I use a, a pig. I'm looking over there 'cause he's, Pigs sitting over there. So they actually learn that, oh, hear the language over and over and over again because it's hard to do it. But, and then they say, I hear you in my head when I say stop. So it's a tone that's empathetic, it's clear what's gonna happen, and then you get 'em to answer back. And then when Octonauts is over again, What's going to happen now? Now he still might kick off because even sometimes with the best will in the world, they still kick off. In the course, there's a whole range of ways to respond to a meltdown or to the resistance. But one of them you've already mentioned, it's that kind of like, there's sometimes there's just not a lot we can do, but just wait and contain them. It might be, you know, parenting is an art and it might be that you say with some authority, it looks like tonight bath time isn't gonna be a good idea. And it might be that you just decide let's scrap the bath, but it's not, okay, okay. You know, 'cause what children need to know is that we're, I don't know if any of you follow Dr. Becky Kennedy, she calls it being a sturdy leader. I don't particularly like that term, but I kind of get what she means. Susan Stifelman's another parenting coach that I like, and she calls it being captain of the ship. Now, if the captain of the ship hit storms, you would not want the captain of the ship to go, oh my God, it's a storm. But you would want the captain of the ship to go, okay, batten down, sit down, or you know, just give a clear instruction. The ball's not gonna go on tonight. We are gonna sit, go back to our cabins and stay safe. So in terms of responding to that, you know, he's freaked out because he doesn't want a bath, it might be that you go, okay, looks like the bath's not a good idea tonight. We're just going to give your face and hands a wash. So the Parent Survival Academy is the course that I've been referring to, and I'd love you just to kind of give me a couple more minutes, listen up, and let me explain how it all works. So it is a bit— it's a two-part course. It's part video, which you watch in modules in your own time, and it is part group calls like this. The next set of group calls starts next Tuesday. It's Tuesday evenings at 8 PM, and we run for 5 consecutive weeks. We're together like this, and we— there's— there's— you bring your questions, You'll— you— I actually also do some breakout groups. You get to chat to the other parents. It's an hour and a quarter on a Tuesday evening. If you can't make it, it is recorded, so, and you can send in a question in advance and you can watch the recording. And I give you a transcript, a summary that's timestamped, so you can sort of jump to bits that you might be interested in. It is so valuable. I bring my 20 years experience as a parent coach and a mom— 20— well, I've been a mum for 25 years actually. It's 20-plus years experience, and I've pulled it all together in this course. And it really is groundbreaking because it allows parents to learn so much faster than I've ever been able to teach them in former years when it was just in-person classes. So you get these videos and you watch them in your own time. There's no time limit. You can watch them and you rewatch them, and then you join these group And these are the kind of things you get. You get help and support. You have a calmer family life. You know, things like mealtimes. You get to avoid tools to avoid or shorten tantrums, peaceful bedtimes. You get deeper connection with your child. I've talked already about different ways to connect, but there are many more that I share. What we know now is that our connection connection and our attachment to our children is shaping their future. We're with them for a very short time. I mean, I know it feels like forever, but they're little for a very short time and they are going in there in a world that is different to the world we grew up in. There's a lot more external negative influences. There's a lot more— there's a greater rise in particularly in teenage anxiety and depression, self-harm. Abuse. And we don't know how our kids are going to turn out, but if we can in these earlier years find and learn ways to build that connection— and that isn't just about, you know, connecting but not having rules and boundaries— we are giving them a gift for their future. And I can see with my 4 kids how well-balanced they are. And I'm not kind of saying this to sort of show off, but they are— they've turned out as really well-rounded individuals who are go-getting and compassionate and communicative and able to express their feelings. And I wasn't like that for me, but I was also one of four. And that, you know, I had to work a lot on myself in able to get to the place that my kids are at much faster. My kids reached it much faster without having to do therapy. So I'm not, not against therapy. So you get a deeper connection with your child, an aligned approach with your partner. A lot of, a lot of couples, if you're, if you are a couple, will come into the course kind of bickering, like, would you, you know, you should have done it like this, and why did you shout at him, why did you give in to him or her? And it helps you sing off the same song sheet, have an aligned approach. And these tools you will use for life. I still use them every day with my kids. They happen to all be currently still at home for various different reasons, but we have a very close relationship and I still use exactly what I teach with slightly adapted language. So it's tools for life. So it really is. So the video course, I'm not going to go into the modules. It has amazing value. It's valued at over £1,000. You get these modules that you can watch and rewatch with all kinds of useful information. And you get to join these group classes on Zoom on Tuesday evenings. And as I say, they're recorded so you can watch them if you can't make it in person. You also get a WhatsApp group that's exclusive to, to the cohort, which gives you extra support and information. There are lots of testimonials, and I'm going to drop in the chat— there's more testimonials. So it's been valued at over £1,600 actually. Um, and if you wanted to sign up, it's £139 to put down today, or, and 2 extra payments of £139, or 1 payment in full. I also have spots available, a few, if you wanted to do premium, which is working with me and in extra private sessions.