How to Raise Independent Kids - why letting go builds resilience

'Be careful! Don't do that! It's dangerous! Don't be silly! You can't do that by yourself! Let me do it!' If you're like most of the parents that I work with, you want your child to feel secure and happy and protected. And naturally we want to keep them safe emotionally, physically, socially. That's normal. But here's the problem: sometimes in our efforts to protect, we actually hold our children back, and we do more damage than good. So that's why you're going to find today's episode so helpful: Why We Mustn't Wrap Our Kids in Cotton Wool—3 Powerful Reasons to Start Letting Go and What We Should Be Doing Instead. But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So today I'm giving you practical examples, and I hope that by the end of this episode you'll feel more confident in letting your child take those small but meaningful steps towards independence. And I'm going to cover the question of the week. So listen up because I bet you this is something that happens to you. My child— and if it's not this specific thing, there's going to be something similar. My child frequently refuses to hold my hand. We walk to school and I'm terrified that he's going to run off and get hit by a car. Same thing happens when we're in a car park and he pulls away and he tries to run off when I want to hold his hand. What do I do? So listen to the end as I'm going to cover this. But why this topic matters? Let me start with a story. Some years ago, I was working with Sarah and her husband. They had a bright, lovely 8-year-old son, and through our really non-judgmental conversation, she realized that she was doing so much for him. She kind of confessed laying out his clothes, reminding him constantly about homework and correcting the answers if he got it wrong, rushing to school if he— to drop off the sports bag if he'd forgotten it. And she said, when I kind of questioned whether that was the best way of doing things, she said, but Camilla, if I do it. I'm worried that he's going to get in trouble. I'm just trying to help him. And if this is resonating for you, please put the guilt aside and just listen on, because you're going to hear what we can do differently and why it's so important. So I really get why we want to protect them and not, you know, so that they don't get upset or get into trouble. But what was Sarah— what I gently helped her to see was this: is that every time she stepped in, she was robbing her child of a learning opportunity. He wasn't learning how to take responsibility, how to manage his time, how to solve his own problems, how to get more organized. He was learning that mom would always swoop in. And eventually, not only that, he kind of would stop trying because he didn't even feel that he was capable of being more independent. So how can we lovingly step back? So that our children can step up and why. So the first reason to foster independence is that kids need to learn how to cope with discomfort. So let's start here with one of the hardest things for parents is to watch our child struggling, whether it's with our toddler crying because they can't get their shoe on, or our 10-year-old upset because they weren't picked for the football team. Our instinct is to protect, to ease the pain. And don't get me wrong, comfort is important, but rescuing every time, that's when it becomes a problem. Because when we rush in and solve it all, our kids miss out on developing resilience. So resilience, you've probably heard that word thrown around a lot, how important it is for our kids to be resilient. But what does it actually mean? Well, lots of, lots of things actually. It's the ability to bounce back from setbacks, to tolerate frustration, to keep going when things are hard, to have a big emotion and realize that it's okay— fear, disappointment, things like that— and that they're going to be— that they can cope with it. It's absolutely vital for mental well-being, and so much research has been done about this. And this isn't just in childhood, but this extends right into adulthood. And here's the truth: children can't develop resilience if they don't get practice and if they never face discomfort. So what does practice look like? Well, look, let's say our child is so upset that they haven't been picked for the sports team, and, you know, maybe they've been working hard on their sport and they still didn't get picked. Our instinct might well be to go and talk to the sports coach. Maybe we'll be kind of assertive and demand that they reevaluate the situation. Maybe we think, I need to hire in an extra sports coach so that my child can be picked for the team. Or what if we help our child just accept that life is hard? I know it's uncomfortable. As parents, we'd do anything when our child is in pain, but just remember what I said earlier about resilience. Giving them the chance to figure out their own solutions and accept that for now they didn't get what they wanted. That ability to cope with disappointment is far more helpful for them in the future. Now look, I don't also equally advise the tough it out approach. Too bad, suck it up. You obviously weren't the right standard to be picked for the team. But what if we offered empathy? And this is so powerful. So really, if you are, you know, distracted right now, Listen up because these words are going to be incredibly useful for you. We might say something like, 'Oh God, I bet that was so frustrating. You'd really, really hoped that you'd make it this time. It feels so disappointing when these things happen, doesn't it?' I promise you, I once had this exact same thing happen to my son when he wasn't picked for the cricket team. I used the words above and he said, 'I think I'm going to do some more batting practice. Do you think Dad would help me at the weekend and bowl at me?' That was literally exactly what he said. And that's where the learning happens, in the reflection and the problem solving. So not in the rescuing. You probably got that by now. Here's the second reason: overprotection sends the message that the world is dangerous. Now this one is a bit difficult because it's often unconscious. But I really want to unpack it because when we micromanage our children's environment, when we hover at the playground constantly shouting, 'Be careful!' When we refuse to let them cut something up with a knife or pour milk because they might spill it, we're actually sending a very clear message: 'I need to sort these things out for you. The world is risky and you're not capable of handling it.' Now, obviously we need to keep our children safe. I'm not saying that we let our 5-year-old cross a high road, a highway on his own or her own. But what I am saying is that we need to start calibrating risk and letting them take small, both age and developmentally appropriate risks. And this really helps them to judge situations. It helps them to build confidence and agency, you know, that sense of being responsible for themselves. So, you know, things like let them walk ahead of you in the park. Let them climb that tree when, you know, you might, you'll stand at the bottom, sure, but let them try and climb the tree. Encourage your 4-year-old to go and ask for something in a shop or let your 6-year-old walk ahead of you and stop at the curb and tell you if it's safe to cross. I'm giving ages here, but you know, again, it's just developmentally when you feel like your child is ready. Let your 7-year-old make toast. Get it out of the toaster. Teach them how to do that safely. And yeah, it might burn the first time, or they might get the butter spread too thick. It doesn't matter. You know, we might hover over them thinking, oh dear, but every time they manage something new, we're reinforcing that powerful internal message to them. I can do this. I'm capable. One client of mine recently said that her 6-year-old had started packing, you know, kind of on my encouragement. Her 6-year-old has started packing her own school bag, and yes, she forgot her reading book the next day, but since then, no, she's remembered it every day and she feels really pride. That pride doesn't just come from getting it right, it comes from taking responsibility. So want strong kids? Here's the third reason to help them be more independent: it builds long-term confidence and emotional strength. Let's zoom out again because parenting isn't about today, just about today. Clearly, as parents, it is about today, but it's not just about today. It's not just about next week. It's about raising a child who can thrive as an adult. And when we constantly do things for our children, we unintentionally teach them to doubt themselves. And, you know, I often will say to my clients, you know, what we are doing now is the foundation for their successful future. So when we step back even a little and we give them space to build the skills, it really does serve them for life. So this includes things like problem solving, emotional regulation, perseverance, taking initiative, self-trust, doing something that we're afraid of. I know as an adult, I really had to work on this because it hadn't been terribly well built into me as a child. That fear thing, you know, 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' is a great book I read in my 20s and found really helpful. So these are the foundations for confidence, and confidence, as we know, is not just about being loud. It's not, in fact, about being loud or outgoing or extrovert. It's that quiet inner sense of 'I've got this, I can do this.' So how do we encourage that? Well, already I've given you lots of thought, but one way is to involve our child in decision-making from a really early age. You know, toddlers can be asked things, 'Shall I give you this cup or that cup?' I mean, sometimes it's like a question of their, you know, colour preference, but it, you know, 'Is this big enough or isn't it big enough?' That kind of thing. 'Here's a small jug. You can pour your own juice.' As they grow, 'Right, okay, well, you organise your homework this evening. You choose which subject you do first,' or 'What would you like to make for your own lunch today?' We're sending them a powerful message: your opinion matters, and I trust you to make choices. Another lovely way to foster independence is through contribution or chores. Now, chores can sound like a really negative word, but actually, when children help around the house, you know, when they're encouraged to tidy their own toys, feed the dog even if they spill the dog food all over the, all over the side of the dog bowl, helping to set the table even if they put the cutlery all completely in the wrong order, they feel needed and they feel valued, and we can talk about them being part of a team. You know, of course it's faster to do it ourselves, and of course they're not going to do it perfectly, but that's not the point. The point is they're building competence, and that's where confidence grows. Look, we don't always get this perfect. I promise you, I was terribly guilty of wanting control because I knew that I would do a better job myself, particularly things like wiping down the surfaces. 'But I really want to encourage you to do better than me. Look, I, you know, I got there in the end, but start early, let go of the perfection, the need for perfection, and let them do it themselves.' So we're not going to step back entirely. I'm not suggesting we abandon our children to figure life out on their own, but what I am suggesting is that we find a good balance, a gentle handover of responsibility, you know, over time. Think of it like maybe you're teaching them to ride a bike. At first you're going to hold on, then you let go a little bit more, and and then off they go. They wobble, they fall, but you've let them do it and you've let them experience what that's like. Now, if you're enjoying this podcast so far and would like to explore what it's like to get my coaching and support, please just do book a free discovery call. Um, go to the show notes below or go to my website myparentingsolutions.com, and you can book yourself one there and we can chat. I'd be delighted to spend time with you on a free call chatting about your situation and how I can help. So, this is what healthy independence looks like, and I'm going to now give you 5 practical steps to encourage you to even get started or do more. So, if you're listening and thinking, you know, 'Oh God, I do wrap them in cotton wool sometimes. Where do I start?' These are the simple practical tips. So, Uh, let me just think. Here we go. Number 1: notice when you're doing things that they could do themselves, whether that's getting them dressed, pouring the juice, packing their bag. And even if you know you can do it faster and better, let them try. Number 2: let natural consequences do the teaching. I'm not saying the 'I told you so.' We're going to do this kindly and without shame. They've forgotten the book, they've got unfinished homework, that's how they learn. They're on the way to school and they say, 'Please go back and get the book,' and we say, 'Not today, darling, but I bet you're going to remember tomorrow.' They haven't finished their homework and they're screaming about it again, 'You do it for me.' Too late. No, I'm not going to do it for you. Let them experience the natural consequences. I know, really hard for a lot of parents, but honestly, get comfortable with a bit of mess, and risk. That's because in the trying and failing is where the real growth happens. Number 4, encourage effort and courage, not just success. So try saying things like, "You were really brave to try that." "It wasn't easy, and although you didn't make it, you still tried," instead of just waiting to celebrate the perfect results. Number 5, Model your own learning and mistakes. Say things like, 'Do you know what? I did not leave enough time to get the train and I missed it, so I was late for work. I better do better tomorrow and set myself an alarm to leave earlier.' Something like that. So show them that even adults are figuring things out. Now, I'm coming on to the question of the week, so listen up. My child frequently refuses to hold my hand. We talk— we walk to school and I'm terrified that he's going to run off. This is such a common question and it's an understandable concern. And I also feel from the question how anxious this parent feels. And of course, when it comes to road safety, we don't want to take any chances. But I also want to say this to you gently: our children are always calibrating us. They're reading our energy. They are picking up on our tone of voice and they're picking up on our level of tension. They're reading our body language, even if we do not say a word. And when they sense that we're fearful or we're constantly gripping tightly and shouting, "Stop! Be careful! Come back!" That tension can actually make them more resistant. They will very often pull away more because they feel the pressure and they want to gain some control back. So the first step is stay calm. I know it's easier said than done, especially when we're near the roads, but the calmer and more confident we are, the more our child will feel safe and grounded. In terms of practical strategies, I'm a really big believer in teaching children how to make safe choices rather than constantly telling them what to do. So I'd suggest like start a conversation before you even leave the house. Something like, 'We're walking to school today and there are some parts of the roads that are safe and some parts that are not safe. I will need to hold your hand for the busy parts that aren't safe, like crossing the big roads or walking through the car park, for example. But as soon as we're in a quiet place or away from the road, I'll let go again.' You're involving them in the plan rather than just imposing rules. You can even ask, 'How will we know when it's safe to cross?' Get them to stand by the curb and look left, look right, and tell you whilst holding your hand whether it's safe to cross. 'What do you think? What do we need to do when we get to the car park? What do we need to look out for?' These kinds of questions help them think for themselves and build their own sense of safety and responsibility. So that's just so much better in the long term than just obeying an instruction. And here's the other thing: if they do run off even after you've set the boundary, you can calmly let them know, 'When you run off like that, it shows me that you're not quite ready to walk independently. So next time you need to hold my hand for longer.' This isn't a punishment, it's a natural consequence. You're keeping them safe, but you're also giving them a chance to earn more independence when they show that they're ready for it. So stay calm, involve them in the process, and look for opportunities to hand over small bits of responsibility It builds trust, it keeps them safe, and it strengthens our connection with them too. Final thoughts for today, and remember, if you want to explore working with me further, please look below in the show notes and book a discovery call with me, or go to my website, myparentingsolutions.com. So letting go, even a little, can definitely bring up all sorts of worries, but when we hold on too tightly, we unintentionally hold our children back. So we've got to shift the focus. Let's not aim to keep them wrapped safely in cotton wool, shielded from every bump and bruise, metaphorically or physically. Let's aim to raise children who are brave, who are capable, who are independent, and know that if they fall, they've got what it takes to get back up again with our support. And that is what love and boundaries can do. So thank you for spending this time with me. If this episode resonated, please share it with a friend or leave a review. it helps more parents discover the podcast. And as I said, if you're looking for more tools on raising confident, independent kids, check the show notes for links to a free discovery call or my free guide, 'How to Get Your Kids to Listen Without Ever Needing to Nag, Shout, or Threaten.' So take care, and until next time, keep parenting with love and boundaries. And it's thank you from me, Camilla McGill.