How to respond when someone criticises your child's behaviour

He's very aggressive, isn't he? Isn't she potty trained yet? Gosh, when you were that age, you could already speak whole sentences. If you've ever had a relative or a friend say something critical of your child, then you'll know how painful it is. So that's why in today's episode of how to respond to criticism of your child, I'm going to tell you 3 important ways to respond that leave you feeling empowered while without sparking an argument. This is a topic I spoke about when I was on BBC Radio 4 Woman's Hour, and I wanted to bring it to you too. So why is it important? Well, we need to be our child's number one advocate and show them and the world that we love them unconditionally, no matter what stage of development they've reached, how difficult they're being, or what awful thing they've done. We also need to remember that kids struggle to regulate their emotions and they act impulsively and do or say things without the ability to press pause and think about the consequences. This doesn't mean that we ignore everything. No, we need to teach them to how to reach developmental milestones and also teach them how to be less impulsive and how to be polite and thoughtful. But it takes work and it takes time. Before I became a parenting coach, I was an NLP Master Practitioner training employees in assertive communication skills. So I'm delighted to bring some of this to you today. This episode is gonna give you the specific responses you need when other people criticize your child. And when we prepare in advance for these kind of situations, we feel so much stronger. If we respond aggressively when our child is criticised, 'Just because he snatched it doesn't mean he's a bad kid,' it can spark further confrontation and it can even lead to family rifts. Or if we respond passively, 'Oh, I'm so sorry. Right, that's it, James, we have to leave now,' we're left feeling powerless. So make sure you listen carefully and listen through all the way to the end because I'm going to tell you how to respond if it's a teacher who wants a word. The thing that we fear the most. And even if you haven't had it yet, you never know when you might need it. I know that as a parent, you want to have clear boundaries and be caring and compassionate, right? I'm Camilla McGill, a parenting coach with years of experience, and I'm a mum of 4. I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So we're talking about different ways to respond when our child has been criticised. And let's take this scenario. Your child has a tantrum because he didn't get to play with the toy that his cousin had. Your mother-in-law says, 'You need to control him. He's really very badly behaved. You need to stamp out that kind of behaviour. Maybe a smack might help too. That's what I do.' Now, if you are the kind of parent that doesn't want to raise your child with punishment, and you know that your child struggles to share and struggles to regulate his emotions, what do you do? I recommend saying something like, 'James is learning to share. He's not there yet. I understand that you might use punishment with your kids, but it's not something that we do. We're helping him to learn not to hit or snatch.' 'But it is taking time, and this may not be how you would do it.' I know how hard it is to find the words when we feel confronted and shamed. So I definitely recommend that you practice this in front of a mirror or to your spouse or a friend who's on your side so that you'll feel more fluent in the moment when we feel so taken aback. I'd also recommend that you move your child out of earshot too when something like this comes up. 'James, you're so upset because Lara wanted the toy that you wanted to play with. We're going to step aside for a bit for you to cool down.' This is always a good strategy. Remove them from the scene of the crime. 'When we're ready, you can use your words and ask for the toy.' With children who have strong emotions and are impulsive, don't expect immediate success with this kind of thing. It's going to be a work in progress, but it takes away the blame and helps your child to learn and puts you in the driving seat. These steps are covered in my free guide, 10 Tried and Tested Ways to Handle Tantrums and Mood Swings, and I highly recommend you grab it. You just need to go to myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums. But listen on. So when dealing with criticism of our kids, let's take another scenario. Isn't she potty trained yet? 'My son was out of nappies at 20 months. You just need to be firm about this.' This kind of criticism is so painful because it makes us feel like we failed our kids and that the fact that they're not potty trained is entirely our fault. A defensive reply would be, 'No, she isn't. I don't think it's important.' A passive reply would be, 'I feel so awful. I've tried and failed at this.' So we need to remember a few things. Not just about potty training, but also about so many developmental phases. Each child develops at a different stage. That's not to say that we can't help them, and that there are times when a push and encouragement from us will help them achieve their milestones that we didn't even know that they were capable of. But whatever it is, we really don't need other people interfering with the stage that our child is at. 'And whether they're still in nappies or can't read yet really isn't anyone else's business. So instead of a passive or aggressive response, we need to put our assertive hat on. Yes, some children definitely take to potty training like a duck to water. We've decided to wait a bit as we just don't feel she's ready yet.' And you might even add in some humour: 'As long as she's out of nappies by the time she goes to university, we're fine with that.' So here is a third example of how to handle criticism. My mother-in-law once came to visit, and my son was really quite agitated by having her sit and eat lunch with him and me when it was normally just the two of us. So he picked up his cup and he threw it across the room. I'm really thankful that I knew enough at the time to connect his behaviour, the throwing of the cup, with how he was feeling. She chipped in, "You naughty boy!" And she turned to me saying, "You need to put a stop to behavior like this. Why don't you send him to his room?" Now, I go over different ways to handle tantrums and mood swings in my free guide, The 10 Best Ways to Handle Tantrums and Mood Swings. So as I said, do go to myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums. But here's what I did. I'm sure you think he needs a punishment. I want to actually help him make amends instead, because I think it helps him learn better. So I said to Felix, addressing the feeling, Felix, you felt cross, which is why you threw the cup. Now, we need to go and pick it up. So here's a cloth to wipe up the water. Then you can get the cup. And now I'm only going to put a small amount of water in it again this time. I was literally shaking at her criticism, but I managed to say what I wanted to say. And again, if you are the kind of parent that doesn't want to label your child as naughty or issue a punishment, then you'll like how I handle that situation above. And I really hope that you'll try on some of the assertive ways of responding next time you experience a criticism of your child. So you'll also want to know other ways of handling challenging behaviour in the moment that might receive disapproving looks from other people. Things that I'm not going to cover in this episode. So do get my guide. I've dropped it in the notes below. But at the beginning, I mentioned how to respond if a teacher wants a word, even if you haven't had this— yet. This exact thing happened to my client, Joanna. Her child had been getting into trouble at school. She dreaded collecting him to be accosted by the teacher. It sends a shiver down our spine when they say, 'Can I have a word?' In our sessions together, She and I had gone over how to respond to this, but on this particular day, Joanna was told that her son had pinched another child. The teacher was really critical and annoyed about it. Joanna said, 'Okay, thank you for telling me. I'm going to talk to Joe when I get home.' In the past, she might have made a big deal about it in front of the teacher, and no doubt that Joe would have felt intense shame, and no doubt would have been unable to describe what had happened or probably denied it. Now, I don't have time today to go into how Johanna handled it at home, but just take this point away: always tell a teacher that you're going to talk to your child at home. You might need to call or email the teacher to get more details about what happened, but don't do it right there in the heat of the moment. So just to wrap up with 3 takeaways: 1, prepare some assertive when you potentially expect to receive criticism of your child. 2, be the advocate of your child. Be aware of their developmental stages and their capabilities and do what's best for them instead of responding to your child in the way others expect you to respond. And 3, learn ways to help your child's behavior that are based on love and boundaries. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of Raising Kids with Love and boundaries when we've been talking about how to handle, um, and respond to criticism of your child. Please subscribe and tell your friends. And remember, if you like the guide that goes with this episode, do go to myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums. And thank you again for listening.