How to Say No Without Losing It | Calm Parenting Tools That Actually Work

You've said no calmly and clearly, and your child, they push, they plead, they scream. You hold the boundary until you can't anymore, and suddenly you found yourself shouting, bargaining, or giving in, and thinking, why is this so hard? This is what we're talking about in today's episode, But I Said No: How to Hold Boundaries Without Losing It. We're looking at why it's so hard to hold boundaries and how we can do it in a way that is calm, clear, and kind. I know that we all want to raise kind, respectful, resilient kids, but when we set boundaries, they will test them. I mean, that's actually what they're there for. They are designed to test them. But we get tired and we get impatient and we check out, and we can so often talk ourselves out of holding firm, saying things to ourselves like, oh, I just can't take this anymore, or anything for a quiet life. Without the right tools, we will often end up doing things that we regret. We will often end up buying the expensive game, letting them watch the movie that ends too late, giving them sweets right before dinner when we really don't want to. So what we really need is a way to hold limits that feels emotionally grounded for us and keeps our children feeling safe and secure. So if this sounds familiar, then make sure that you keep listening to today's episode.

But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries.

Well, I'm gonna kick off today, as I often do, with a real question from a listener. This came in from Jessica. It's a mum to two young kids. What do you do when you're in the supermarket and your child is begging you for Coco Pops? My child said, everybody else has Coco Pops for breakfast. You are so mean. 'You are such a bad mum. I feel like everybody's watching me. I feel like it's ramping up into a tantrum that I'm not gonna be able to hold, just be so embarrassed by.' This is the synopsis of what Jessica said to me. 'And I just feel so guilty saying no, but I really don't want to buy the Coco Pops. What do I do?' So, such a great question from Jessica. We're gonna come back to this later, and for now, we're gonna look at 3 tools that help us hold the boundaries without losing it. Number 1, hold the line with warmth. Okay, so what do I mean? This just isn't about saying no harshly or coldly. It's about showing our child that we are lovingly in charge. And I say this so frequently to my clients, that kind of permission to be in charge, but without that authoritarian, harsh approach that we're so often trying to move away from. So we can say no and we can stay connected. Here's an example of what that might sound like. You really wanted another biscuit. I get that. And, and I really recommend saying and, not but. It's received a lot better because it doesn't negate what we've just said. So you really wanted another biscuit, I get that, and we are not having any more right now. Resist the temptation to give long explanations. They really can't hear them, especially when they're emotionally dysregulated, when their brain really isn't able to process logical explanations. So we're acknowledging the feeling while holding the boundary calmly, and we are saying, I heard and understood you. I don't have to agree with you. They will tell us that everybody has Cocoa Pops at breakfast. It's most likely not true. So, I don't have to agree with you. I care, and the answer is still no. I remember when my daughter Alice was about 4. We were in the park on a hot day and she asked for an ice cream. No problem. But she insisted on having a mint ice cream, mint-flavoured ice cream. I knew that she didn't really like mint or wasn't going to like it. It's quite strong and I knew she wasn't going to like it. So I said, "Are you sure? Are you really sure that you want mint? You normally choose chocolate." She snaps, "Stop telling me what to do." Very tempted to snap back at her, but for that moment I zipped my lip. I checked once more, "Are you sure?" And then I just let her choose. I think you know what's going to happen. She took one lick and she said, "It's horrible. I want a chocolate one instead." Now, I could have said yes, but this was also a part of a pattern. I chose to hold the boundary. I said, "I know that you don't like it, and that's really hard. It's disappointing, and we are not getting another one today." She cried, she threw the ice cream on the ground, she stamped her feet, and I did say, "Well, I told you so." Side note, my husband says nobody likes smug righteous people when they say things like that, but I also said it's really hard when we think we're gonna like something and it turns out that we don't. We wish that we could go back and choose differently. It really was difficult, but it was powerful. I felt fortunate enough to have the tools to know how to build my child's resilience through those hard moments by not rescuing her in that instance from the discomfort, from the disappointment. But these are moments that grow trust between us because our children learn you are not gonna change the rule just because I'm upset, but you are also gonna, you know, empathize with me and stay close while I have these big feelings. So number 2, don't explain on repeat. Remember to hit follow or subscribe so you get alerted to future episodes. When we explain our decision over and over, it feels like we are being reasonable, but to our child, it sounds like keep negotiating because this might be up for discussion, you know, there's a chink there. And also, as I said earlier, this explanation isn't gonna sit with them as they become more and more emotionally dysregulated. They're not gonna be able to process it. So we give a clear explanation and then we stop. We are not buying toys today. That's the rule. You may have a rule about when, or you don't, you know, buy things. I think that's a great one. I don't buy things at garages. That was a rule I had. So if we are tired of repeating ourselves, if we are tired of hearing ourselves nag or even ramp up to a shout, you will find my free guide really helpful. It's called How to Get Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging or Shouting. You need to just go to myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten. So our tone does the heavy lifting. We don't need to justify again and again. Repeating ourselves invites the debate and also undermines our leadership. Rachel, a client I work with, had been letting her daughter Sophie use the iPad at bedtime. It helped while Rachel put the younger sibling to bed, but taking it away, always a battle. And then Sophie started waking in the night, needing it to fall asleep again. Rachel and her husband were exhausted. So in one of our sessions together, we made a plan. I recommended that they let Sophie know 3 days ahead that the routine was changing. That the iPad was going, that she wasn't going to be allowed to have the iPad at bedtime. I also recommended that they involved her in choosing calming activities, some alternatives to the iPad that she could do while Rachel was putting the baby to bed, and they followed through. The next week Rachel said, we've done 5 nights without the iPad and now Sophie's stopped asking for it. She's calmer, she's enjoying her books, and she's actually sleeping better. So when we stop overexplaining, we just let the boundary speak for itself. And particularly in the guide, the Just Listen guide, you'll learn the GREAT method, and that's really helpful for things like this. So we've gotta give our child the space to adjust without the pressure of persuasion. If we are struggling with bedtime, screen time, or anything else that's draining us, you might wanna know that I offer free discovery calls so we can chat through and I can make recommendations about how I can support you. Um, for that, you go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat, or you just go to the show notes. So number 3, when we're trying to help ourselves hold the boundary without cracking, stay steady in the storm. So this might be the hardest one because I get it. When our child is losing it, it often triggers something in us. Old wounds, sheer exhaustion, or just that feeling of being disrespected. The key here is to pause and ground ourselves before we response, respond. I know how hard this is, but here's a few little recommendations. We breathe, we kind of feel our feet on the floor. And we maybe remind ourselves, this is my child's job to test the boundary. My job is to stay steady. Staying calm isn't just about avoiding an argument, it's really about modeling emotional regulation. And when we do snap, because we will, we can actually come back, we can repair, we can say sorry, and we can show what it means to take responsibility for our own feelings. So let's say it's bedtime, teeth brushed, story's read, and then our child says, "I'm hungry." We've already said no to snacks, so we might come back with, "I know it's really hard when you think, when we think our tummy wants food and the kitchen is closed." Then I would recommend we switch to a question. So tell me, I'm going to write this down. Tell me what you'd like for breakfast. That's it. No lecture, no bribe, just calm clarity. Now you may be thinking, you do not know how long my child can go on for. I promise I do. My clients tell me this all the time and I've experienced it myself. So many parents will often actually postpone getting in touch with me because they feel like they're the worst parent. They think that I never will have worked with people with kids as difficult as theirs. If this is you, I promise you, you are absolutely not. Which is why I would encourage you to go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat or see the show notes, show notes, because then you can actually talk to me direct. But we gotta remember that sometimes our calm presence is so much more powerful than any logic or consequence. So back to the supermarket. So, The question of the week was, I'm in the supermarket, I've said no to Cocoa Chops, Cocoa Pops, and my child is shouting, you are a bad mummy. This was a question that came in for me from Jessica. What can we do? So I would really recommend coming back to the breathing, breathe and acknowledge. Two really great tools. You really want the Cocoa Pops and we are not getting them today. And we've got to set the limit. It's okay to be upset. You can say, yeah, you really don't like me like that right now. You really don't like me right now. So that's a good way of responding. But I would also say it's quite good if you know they're going to nag for something beforehand, to explain before you've gone into the supermarket, we are only getting things off our list. There may be stuff that you see that you want, and just so you know, I won't be buying them. So what to remember when we wobble. We will wobble, we will give in, we will snap, we will overexplain. But each moment is a chance to come back, to model, to repair, to reset. We really don't need to get it right every time. We just need to keep showing up with warmth and steady leadership. And remember that when we hold a boundary and hold our child's emotion, we teach them how to handle frustration and bounce back. We are not aiming for perfection. We're aiming to show up with love and boundaries, or love and firmness, and come back with connection when things go off course. So I wanna wrap up. Remember, next time we hear, "But I said no," echoing through our kitchen, playground, or supermarket aisle, remember we can pause, take a breath, and know that we have a way through it. Holding boundaries really isn't easy, but it is one of the most important loving things that we can do. A reminder that we are helping our children feel safe within limits. We're building trust and we're laying the foundation for resilience in them and actually in us. So maybe after listening, you're still thinking, look, I get this theory, but in the moment it all goes out the window. It's totally normal because knowing what to do isn't the same as having the support to actually do it consistently. So just to reiterate, if you want more calm, confidence, and connection in your day-to-day life, or you know somebody else that does, maybe you've got it Okay, but you've got a friend who does. Get some support to apply this to your child's unique personality, your family's needs, and your real-life challenges can be transformational. And that's where I come in. So do book that discovery call or recommend me to a friend, myparentingsolutions.com/chat, or see the show notes for how to get my free guide to listening. And remember, if we keep doing what we've always done, we're gonna feel stuck in the same cycles. But also, small changes with the right support really can lead to huge shifts at home. Thank you so much for listening. Make sure that you hit follow or subscribe so that you never miss an episode. And please tell your friends to tune in to Raising Kids to Love and Boundaries with me, Camilla McGill. And if you can rate the podcast, all the better, or even write a review, that would be great too. But thank you so much for listening to me today.