"I don't know what you want!" If your child's meltdowns leave you at a loss, you love these tips

We've all witnessed a toddler get incredibly frustrated with us, stomping their feet or repeating the same thing over and over when they're trying to tell us something that we simply can't understand. And yet there are other times when it's not so obvious that speech and language development is connected to a child's emotional outburst. So that's why I'm delighted today to have guest Charlotte Hall, who's going to tell us 3 reasons kids have big emotions when they're struggling to express themselves. And 3 things that we can do to help. I know that as a parent you want to have clear boundaries and be caring and compassionate, right? I'm Camilla McGill, a parenting coach with years of experience, and I'm a mum of 4. I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Now, Charlotte, we'd love to hear all about you, and perhaps you could just give us a little introduction.

Hi, Camilla. Firstly, thank you so much for having me on your podcast. I'm really happy to be here.

Oh, I'm so thrilled. So I didn't say Charlotte Hall, speech and language expert. So just tell us a little bit about what you do.

Yeah, so I am a speech and language therapist, and I mostly work with young children, although I do work with some older children as well. And I support them and their families and anyone who's working with them. So perhaps people who are in their nursery or in their school to have better communication all around. So supporting the individuals themselves to communicate and interact with others. And then also a bit of coaching for parents and school staff as to how they can support that young person as well. I also have a podcast as well, Camilla. Just Three Things. You've been a guest on my podcast. And that's for parents who are waiting for speech and language therapy so that they know what they can be doing whilst they're waiting and helping them to feel navigated and supported and empowered so they know what to do.

Brilliant. All right, well, let's kick off. And so tell us, why do children have tantrums and emotional outbursts? Start off with just the first reason.

So this, this is relevant to all young children really, because when children are developing, No baby is born knowing how to communicate fully like an adult does. So whether you have just a younger child who haven't fully developed the ability to express themselves yet, or whether you've got a child where you've identified that their speech and language is developing differently from their peers, this is all relevant for everyone really. So the first thing that we'd be thinking about, the kind of the link between why you might be seeing these emotional outbursts or these big emotions, is that children can get quite frustrated when they can't make themselves understood. So if they've got something that they want to tell you, something that they want to share their ideas, or if they want to make their needs known and they can't get somebody else to understand, of course that's incredibly frustrating. And so often after a little while of trying really hard, obviously these children become dysregulated and we're seeing lots of big emotional outbursts from them. And sometimes a lot of that behaviour can also be quite communicative. It can be that they're actually trying to communicate something with you through their behaviour as well. That would be my first thing to consider.

Brilliant. Okay. And what else? What would be another thing that would cause an emotional outburst through speech and language?

So the second thing to consider there, rather than it's the children are getting frustrated, actually often we find that parents or other adults who are trying to interact with that child, they can get frustrated as well. And it is really frustrating. You know, I'm a mum of two myself, and if I don't understand what it is that my child is trying to communicate with me, and I feel like I've tried quite hard, it can be incredibly frustrating. But then what we sometimes see is that the children pick up or they sense that frustration, and then that spirals them into becoming dysregulated themselves. So, um, it's kind of like a risky cycle, you know, the child's getting a bit frustrated, the adult's getting a bit frustrated, and then that's just kind of escalating in this perfect frenzy of kind of everybody being dysregulated. What we know actually is that children and adults feed off each other's kind of emotional states. So if the adults themselves are feeling quite stressed or they're emotionally quite heightened, that is going to have an impact on the way that children are interacting or behaving with us.

Yeah. Yeah. And it can often shut down communication. I mean, I know that if I'm trying to talk to one of my teenagers and they're on their phone. I just can't express it. I get stopped. So I think sometimes, you know, it's sensing our frustration, even if they could express it, they get shut down.

Yeah, absolutely. We see that all the time. So sometimes we, when we think about these big emotions, often we think about that being dysregulated or having big tantrums, but sometimes it just results in shutdown as well. That's like another way that these big emotions manifest.

Yeah, brilliant. And something else, a third reason why kids would have frustrations when their speech and language development is different or not perhaps at the level that we might expect.

So lots of children who have speech and language needs or speech and language differences also have difficulties understanding and anticipating what will happen. And that impacts them on a daily basis often if there's lots of transitions between different activity or changes to the plans. Those things can be really difficult for children with speech and language differences to manage because they just find it difficult to cope when it just feels like everything's hitting them out of the blue. So if you've already noticed that your child maybe is following a different pattern of development in this area, just be a bit more empathetic and aware of how difficult it might be for them to transition between activities or cope with any changes to the routine.

Yeah, it's so interesting because even just that word transition, it was something I'd never heard about until I had a toddler and I could not understand why we couldn't just stop his play and get him dressed. And when somebody mentioned that, well, that's because they struggle with transitions, it was like, oh, what's that then? But I can really see how, you know, if there is a difference as well in their development, that, and like you say, that change of plan where they just haven't quite understood, it could just so easily trigger that outburst. And of course, we tend to respond to the outburst, don't we?

Don't be silly.

Don't, you know, stop it. Enough now. Whereas if we can kind of stop and think, oh, this is because he's just hadn't realized that there was a change or didn't like the change of plan or couldn't quite, you know, accept the change of plan, then it helps us be more empathetic, doesn't it?

Absolutely. And I think that leads really nicely into kind of some of my strategies that I would say for supporting kids. Particularly those with speech and language differences in this area.

Yeah. So tell us the first thing that we as parents could do that you advise to help address these emotional outbursts when children have speech and language difficulties or differences or just are developing.

So the first one is trying to approach things with a sense of calm and compassion. So Understanding what might be going on with the kids, that they might be frustrated because they're trying to communicate something with you. They might have just sort of become dysregulated because of the way that we've been interacting with them. And they also might be really struggling with these transitions, changes between the different activities or changes to the routine. They might be misunderstanding that when you're telling them that they have to stop something, that you're not saying that they can never have it again. They just don't understand that just yet. So approaching things from a point of compassion. But also trying to stay as calm as possible yourself so that we're not doing that kind of dysregulation. We're not, um, feeding into that frenzy or that mix-up of emotions. And obviously, like, that's easier said than done, you know, to be compassionate with yourself as well. But where you can use those kind of strategies, you know, just check in with how you're feeling, pause and take a breath. I know it's something that you often recommend as well, Camilla, and and just be aware that actually the way that we react to a situation as parents is really going to have an impact on a child's behavior.

Yeah, it starts with us. The, the first module in my course, the Parent Survival Academy, in a compassionate way says it starts with us. And that can, you know, that's both empowering and also scary because it's such a huge responsibility, isn't it, raising children? So Any little trick to count to 10, to walk away, to do just some deep breathing. So that can really help. Brilliant. So what would your second thing be? What would your second way of helping a child with speech and language differences or their development?

So I think that really just trying to unpick and remember that your child is trying to communicate with you. I have lots of parents say to me like, oh, I think my child's just being lazy, or, you know, they're not trying. That's rarely the case because actually it's really frustrating for kids to not be able to express themselves. So they're probably not choosing to be lazy, but they might be trying to communicate with you in a different way. So if your child isn't using words, or you haven't understood exactly what your child is saying to you, just try and be a detective as much as you can. Try and look at how they're using their non-verbal communication. Are they looking at something to show you what they might want? Are they reaching towards something? Are they using their gestures to show you what they want? Are they even wriggling or moving their body in a particular way? You know, My daughter, for example, I know exactly when she's feeling like uncomfortable inside or if she might need the toilet because of the way that she's moving her body. She doesn't always tell me that, but I know because I'm really tuned in with it. So really just trying to pick up on some of those more subtle things, trying to interpret what it is that they want. And then a way that you can support them is to maybe interpret that back to them. So, oh, I see you need the toilet, or oh, you want the You want the snack, you know, or you like the look of that ball. You know, you are just modelling those words for them, but without expectation that they're gonna be repeating you. You are just using that opportunity to show that you're tuned in, you've understood, and then you can be modelling some language for them as well. And if you really haven't got to the bottom of what it is that they want, try and kind of get to the bottom of it. Maybe tell them which bits you have understood. Like, I think, I think you might be trying to tell me something about the dog, but I didn't understand the rest. Can you tell me some more? Or. 'Oh, I can see you're reaching for something up on that shelf. Get down two things and say, was it, was it the ball that you were after or the pop-up pirate?' You know, trying as much as possible to really understand what it is that your child is trying to tell you is going to reduce a lot of tantrums.

Is that the key? Not asking, not saying, you know, 'Well, which one is it?' But first off saying, 'Is it this one or this one?

Is that what you mean?' Yeah, I think also just really showing that you're in tune and that you're trying. And I think what parents often do in response to not really understanding and a child's starting to get frustrated is just say, I don't know what you're trying to tell me. Or either, can you use your words? I hear that a lot. Use your words. Tell me. Whereas actually, if they're at a point where they don't feel like they can express themselves verbally, giving them little other strategies like, oh, I know what it is. You know, like I'm looking, I know what you've got, or I've understood this bit, but not that bit. And then there's those micro choices, I guess I was saying, rather than saying, tell me again, what is it? Can I find out a bit more by showing you two different options? Is it this one or is it this? Were you trying to tell me something about this? You know, so you can use questions sparingly in that, but not, um, just tell me again, you know, not, not getting stuck in that kind of cycle.

What's the matter with you?

Exactly. Exactly. So you're showing that you're really trying, and I think that goes with being in tune and making sure that there's, you know, you don't have to do this all the time, but there's time and space where you are trying to connect with your child. You're not looking at your phone, you're not working, you know, you are actually showing them that you're on their level. And that you're here with them and you're trying to understand.

Yeah, yeah, brilliant. What do you think about eye contact?

So I think getting face to face with your child is really powerful for lots of reasons. So that would mean kind of trying to crouch down to be on their level, or making sure that your bodies are facing each other, you're not just stood behind them whilst they're chatting to you. And that's really important, one, because you're showing them that you're really interested in them. You're more likely to notice those nonverbal the nonverbal ways that they're communicating with you, and you are giving them some clues about how you're using your facial expression, your eye contact, and even how you're moving your tongue and your teeth and your mouth to make the different sounds. I think just there's always a caveat that some children find eye contact really uncomfortable and even painful. So I wouldn't, or I wouldn't ever insist that a child is making eye contact with me, but I think getting face to face with them while I'm communicating with them It's just a really nice way to model those kind of different interaction strategies.

Brilliant. Love it. Okay. And what's the third thing? What's the third way that we could support a child with spoken language?

So this one is more specifically related to that idea of supporting them through transitions. There's a few things that you can be doing to support children with transitions. One, again, just be really compassionate, be empathetic, understand that this might be difficult for your child. And so just to have a think about when it is a transition, as you said, Camilla, when you were a new parent, you didn't even notice that we were changing from one activity to another, whereas for young children, that can be quite a big deal. So just kind of noticing that there is a point of transition and that that might be a trigger point for your child. And you might find that this depends on other factors. So what time of day it is, how tired they are, how hungry they are, and whether or not they got a good night's sleep, you know. Those things might interact. You might find that your child is coping fine with transition sometimes, but just to be mindful that that could be dysregulating or unsettling for them. And then you can use strategies, even just being clear and concise, preparing them. In 1 minute, we're going to be changing activities, or, you know, we are doing this and there is 2 other things coming up this morning, you know, like just being clear and explicit with them can be really helpful. And then the other thing that you can use alongside spoken language is just using lots of different visual support. So you can use something like a visual timetable where you might use pictures to represent the different things that are going to happen in a morning or in a day, um, or during the bedtime routine, the different steps that are going to happen. I'm a huge fan of like a whiteboard and pen because you can just create that as you go and you can be showing your child as well as telling them. Sometimes just having the picture there is a bit more concrete. And it gives children something to refer back to, which in itself is quite empowering.

Yes. Yeah.

Um, or you can use things like sand timers or just timers on your phone that just explain to them how long they've got left in an activity and that something else will be happening. So using lots of different methods of communication can be really useful in supporting children with transition.

Brilliant. And also, I think you mentioned earlier the idea that they could maybe come back to it. You know, the puzzle could be there for them to play with after lunch. Uh, and, uh, because they tend to think that it's over and that's why they'll have a reaction to it because they so live in the moment. I think that's the thing we also forget, isn't it? As parents, we're constantly one, you know, 5 steps ahead, but they're right there in the moment. Yeah. So those transitions are huge for them. It is incredibly disappointing. To have to leave the puzzle. Or is there also maybe a sensory thing sometimes, like, you know, putting a coat on or the shoes are, you know, just uncomfortable and they can't express it that way, but that's possibly one of the triggers.

Yeah. And I think there's all sorts of things we could go on to. It'd be great for you to have a occupational therapist to talk about sensory stuff as well. But knowing it as a parent, there's often a reason for these behaviours. If it's sensory, if it's difficulties understanding, and just having that compassion to think there is probably something going on here. My advice would be you don't always have to be the detective in that exact moment. So you might want to just park the rationale behind why this is happening for the moment, because in that moment where you're feeling like your child's becoming dysregulated, your goal should just be to try and regain that balance or that point of calm. So do what you can do in that moment. And then that evening when they've gone to bed, then you'd be your detective and you'd problem solve and you think, okay, tomorrow I think it would be better for me to show them the visual timetable at the start of the day. Tomorrow, actually, when they're calm, maybe I should ask them if those shoes are uncomfortable so that we can work that out. You don't need to do it all in that moment because actually then their expressive communication skills are likely to kind of have deteriorated because they're just using all of their energy to try and get through. Those big emotions.

Brilliant, brilliant point. Charlotte, that's been so, so helpful. Tell us how we can get support from you. I think your account on Instagram is one way.

So you can follow me on Instagram. It's @speechtherapywithcharlotte, and there's lots of just useful tips and tricks to support your children's speech and language development, particularly whilst you're waiting for speech and language therapy. You can also go to my website, which is speechtherapywithcharlotte.com. And there's some downloadable resources on my website, including ages and stages of speech and language development. And then you can listen to my podcast, which is called Just Three Things, and please do go and listen and rate, review, and subscribe.

Brilliant. Okay. Thank you so much. And also I have a great guide. If you go to myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums, I give you 10 tried and tested ways to manage tantrums and mood swings. So do get that. Carry on listening to my podcast as well, Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. And it's been such a pleasure to talk to you today, Charlotte. So thank you so much.

Thanks for having me. Pleasure.