Make yours a happier, easier and calm family

It's now exactly 7:30 here in the UK, so I will officially start and welcome you to this masterclass. And what I will be doing is sharing my screen with my slides, and I'll probably sort of drop in and out some slides, some me, mix it about a bit. But to honour punctuality, I will now officially start the masterclass. So here we go. Perfect. Okay. And as you join, please just drop your— drop in the chat box, and if you could mark it to everybody, how old your children are. That's really useful. And if you want to say where you are in the world, That's really great to know too. So tonight, well, tonight in the UK, wherever you are and what time zone you're in, it is dead on time. And I am going to be talking to you tonight at this masterclass. It is called Beyond the Battles: The 3 Insider Secrets to Managing Tantrums, Rudeness, and Kids Who Say No. I'm assuming because you're here and I've got lots of people joined that you have problems with this. These are challenges for you. I like to call them challenges because then we kind of think, we think more about solutions for them. So you wouldn't be here if you had an easy ride. And in fact, I think very few parents have an easy ride. So this is the goal of our time together, how to connect with your child and manage challenging behaviour whilst holding the boundaries. And this is really important, and I'm going to be illustrating different ways of holding the boundaries. I really highly recommend that you take time out. It's, it will be on just over an hour to include time for questions, and it's a really valuable time for you. I'm gifting this to you. I didn't charge for this masterclass, and I'd I would like you to put aside your distractions and use the time for you. I know how easy it is to sort of flick up on, on, you know, your phone or quickly send an email, but I would just say use the time for you. So I'm going to get you engaged. If you're watching the replay, make notes. Just think, you know, of the answers to the questions that I'm asking. But I want to know who's dealing with this kind of thing. Who's dealing with kids that refuse to listen? Maybe they just tune you out. Maybe you say it's dinner time and they completely ignore you. I suspect if you said, do you want some ice cream in a very, you know, little whisper, they hear it. So they're refusing to listen, effectively refusing to do what you've asked. And who's dealing? So if that's you, drop listen or just a yes in the chat box. The more you engage, the more you'll stay alert and also get value from it. Who's dealing with kids saying no? So similar thing, but not necessarily quite. Yep, somebody said. Who's got tantrums? They may be mega tantrums, they may be what I would call a strop, kind of, you know, foot stomping, that kind of thing, stomping off, slamming a door. Anyone dealing? Yes, so we've got lots of people dealing with that. Here's a different way to engage you. Give me a 1 in the chat box if you've got children who scream who yell, who hit, or who are aggressive. Maybe they hit you, they hit each other, um, they, they make aggressive gestures, um, or maybe they really scream at you in a demanding way. And what I really want to emphasize here is this is a safe space. You don't know each other, I'm not looking at you, and I want you to understand how common it is. So actually, the more you— so I've got lots of ones in the chat box. You can see this is really common, but we very often feel we're alone when have a child doing this? Because sometimes it's not in public, other times it is. I'm going to come on to that. Who's got attitude? Why should I? You can't make me. What are you going to give me for it? Things like that. Maybe they've got— so got some twos here. Maybe they won't share. I'm not going to share my toys with you. You can't have them. Maybe they snatch, snatch from another child at a playdate. Anybody got that? So yeah, I've got lots of twos. Maybe your child has got a label. They're the naughty one. Maybe that you feel like they're the naughty or the bad one of the family. Maybe you've got one easy child, one really difficult child. Maybe your child at school or preschool has got that label. You know, kids will kind of tell you, oh, James is the bad one. Anybody got that? Anybody dealing with that? Because that's a really difficult one, particularly if it's a label away from the home. Yep, some people have got that too. Hands up, who feels— you're gonna have to put a yes in the chat box because there's not really a way of putting your hands up here— who's felt embarrassed by their child? I know I have. Maybe it's in public, maybe it is, you know, in front of other parents, you just— maybe it's with family and you just feel acutely embarrassed by what they're saying and what they're doing, And it's a, it's really painful because we love our children, but it's really painful when we feel embarrassed by them. And maybe you think, where did I go wrong? Does anybody have this? You go to bed at night and think, where did I go wrong? How come my child is like this? So, and if that's you, drop a yes in the chat box. So here's me. Now there are other parenting coaches out there. I'm completely aware of that. But here's what's unique about me. I show you parenting with compassion to deepen your connection with your child, combined with firm boundaries and tough love. I don't mean tough love by any form of punishment or shame, but sometimes we just have to say no. We have to say they can't do things or have things because we know what's best. Um, and I'm here to empower you, um, to sometimes have that kind of tough love and hold firm on things. And, um, it's— I consider kind of a unique combination because I'm also very much about the, the, the, the compassionate, the kind approach to parenting. I suspect there are many elements to you of what I term the stressed-out parent. What's that? A lot of self-doubt, Lying awake, lying awake at night worrying, that thing, where did I go wrong? Feeling guilty. I should be better. I should be calmer. I should, I, my kids should be doing more sport. They, they should be going to bed better. They shouldn't be waking up in the night, that kind of thing. And sort of feeling guilty about how we're handling them. Some of us feel like we're a doormat. We've got sort of mug written across our, our forehead and, um, our kids walk all over us. Maybe you're feeling exhausted, and I don't just mean the physical exhaustion of running around after children and all the things that go with that, but I also mean that mental exhaustion, that kind of just like, I don't think I can cope, I've got, I'm just overloaded. Maybe you're getting into battles, you know, that kind of fighting with our kids, using threats, and I'm gonna come on to cover how that happens. Frustrated, and shouting or yelling. So here is— here they are. Here's that list. Have a look at that list and tell me where— what— some people at this point say all of the above, but maybe drop a number in the chat box to tell me what, what, where you are. What's the one that you find makes you the most stressed out? You know, have a look and drop some of those numbers in the chat box. Is it, is it 6, the battles. 7, frustrated. 2, the guilt. 1, the self-doubt. 4, the threats. Those kind of things. So, so it's the self-doubt somebody's put in. Yeah. 7, the frustration. 5, the exhaustion. Okay. Lots, lots of you having similar experiences. 8, the shouting. Okay. So here's one thing I want you to do right now. Put your pens down, put your papers down if you've got, if you've got your workbook there. And I want you to, on the count, as I count you to slowly 4. Breathe in for 4. So I'm going to count slowly for 4, and then I'm going to count for 6, and you breathe out for 6. Really simple, just a quick one. Okay, 1, 2, 3, 4. And then breathe out, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. And then you might want to do just a little extra one. Just calmed you down a little bit. And I want you to imagine that this is you. This is the confident parent. Not perfect. I never will, will put my hand up and say I'm perfect because I'm absolutely not. But I want to show you how to be the confident parent connected with your children, in charge, captain of the ship. Susan Stifelman uses that term. She's a parenting coach that I hugely admire and follow. Dr. Becky, another very well-known parenting coach, she calls it being the pilot. So in charge, know where we're headed, a captain of the ship prepared to be unpopular, you know, not gonna be swayed by things. Assertive, clear about your boundaries. Save time because you avoid battles. Battles and fights with our kids are so time-consuming. Clear routines, feel calm, no need to shout because you feel calm, have joy and fun with your kids. Sorry, go back one. Just imagine how that would feel. And maybe just drop in the chat box, how would that feel? What would that be like if you felt you were the really confident parent? And then I'm gonna show you a very quick little bit about me. So you've probably seen from the various emails, I think I mentioned that I've I've got 4 children. I think it's just as hard parenting 1 as it is 4. I know that sounds funny, and I think a good family could be, um, 2, you know, parents, 1 parent, 2 parents, and 1 child. So I'm never there to sort of gloat and say, you know, I've got 4, um, and therefore I, I, uh, you know, I've had it harder. Um, but they've given me a huge opportunity to practice what I teach other, other, um, parents, and and we're incredibly proud of them. So my youngest is, is 19, and the oldest one is living in Australia at the moment, and he's 26. They are incredibly close to each other and to us, and we've worked really hard through the years, and particularly, you know, through those early years, then the teenage years, to keep that connection, keep that closeness, so that they can always come to us and, and, and tell us if they've got, you know, worries, or if they're in trouble, or they want advice. And it's the most this wonderful feeling. So this is where we're going today. We're looking from the stressed parent to the confident parent and how we're going to get there. So I'm going to share with you a painful experience I had with my son Felix. Then we're looking at secret 1. You've got your little workbook so you can jot down some stuff in there. The tranquil zone. Secret 2, interpreting behavior. And secret 2, 3, is being a detective. It's written slightly differently in your workbook, but you can, you know, look at it. It's a similar thing. And then I'm going to talk to you about taking things further, and I'm going to take your questions. If you have questions as we go along, do drop them in the chat box, but I won't actually be answering them. Okay, so here I'm going to switch my camera off, but first of all, I just want to show you this picture. Sorry, switch the slides off, put the full camera on. I want to show you this little picture of Felix. Doesn't he look— he was 4— doesn't he look like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth? And do you know what? He was a really loving, really sweet, funny, energetic little boy, and he was also very, very hard to handle. So, um, it is, um, uh, June 2000 I think it was 2005, and we were invited to go away on holiday with some good friends of ours. They have 3 children of similar ages to ours, so ours was 7, Felix was almost 5, 2, and baby. And we knew it was a bit of a gamble to go on this holiday, but we decided, you know, oh, let's let, you know, a bit of sunshine, it was in France, let's go. So really, from the moment that we got there Felix was difficult. He would be rude to our hostess. He'd say things like, I don't like this food, and push it away. You know, that embarrassment that we talked about was excruciating. He would be a bad sport, push the others out of the paddling pool. If they were playing a sort of bat and ball game and he lost, he'd throw the bat down. It was, you know, just getting harder and harder. We knew that they were disapproving of him. We knew that they didn't like him. And we danced around trying to of, you know, make things better. So one day we go to the beach, and I'm going to share a picture of us going to the beach. There they all are. I looked at Felix in that picture, didn't realize that that's what he looked at. Look at him. He's— there he is on the left. You can tell who my children are. And there he is, head in hand, looking actually really sad. So here's what happened. We went to the beach. Kind of a difficult day. And on the way back, on the way to the beach, we had a 3-seater car and his— he would got to sit in the middle. You know how we let them have turns? So he got to sit in the middle and his brother Nico. The, the others were in their big car seats and they were positioned, but Nico and Felix swapped about. So on the way back, it was Felix's turn to go in the back, which they didn't like. And as we're getting towards the car park, our friend's kids perfectly behaved, and Felix starts kicking off. "I'm not going in the back seat," he's saying. And we're being observed, you know that awful feeling when you're being observed. And so I say, "Yes, you are, Felix." "No, I'm not." And I'm starting to get more and more irate, you know when you're just really reaching the end of your tether. And I said, "Felix, you are going in the back seat of the car." Then he starts hitting me and trying to pull away on my hand. And I— so then I pull out the threat. If you don't go in the back seat, then you won't get to watch the movie when we get back. I don't care, he said. I don't know what to watch anyway. You know when you, you issue a threat and they throw it back in your face? So then, um, out comes the shame tactics. You're embarrassing yourself. You're embarrassing us. I'm having— I've had enough of this, I said. Um, nothing. No effect whatsoever. I don't care. I hate you anyway. Then I pull out the bribe. I've got some sweets in my pocket. Um, here, take them and you can— and get in the car. He throws them on the ground. So my heart is pounding, my head is, is hurting, and I'm sweating. Paul manages to get the other kids in, into their car seats. Our friend's kids are all perfectly strapped in, and he's pushing against the car, so I can't even get him in. And then I just had an epiphany, and I thought, I was already a parenting coach at this point, but boy do I know more now, and boy have I made it my mission to learn more about handling these difficult situations. You may not have children that have had these explosive, um, reactions, but I suspect you probably have. Um, so I, I decided I need to get him away. I needed to move him away, so I moved him around the other side of the car, and I sat there with him on my lap in this dusty car park with the sun beating down on me. And he's bucking and I'm trying to hold him tight. And I just thought to myself, this isn't about the car seat. This has got to be about something else. And I told him, look, you're like this, you're, what's he called, Pirate Pete. You're at sea, Felix. You're in a storm. It's okay. I still love you. We're going to get through this. We're going to be okay. And I said, but I think something else is upsetting you. He's like shouting and carrying on, but it was something he was listening to a bit, because partly because I was just holding him and, you know, not getting cross with him at this point. And then suddenly he said, they tease me, Mummy. And I thought, well, you know what, kids tease each other. Teasing Felix was like pulling the tail of the tiger. And I said, oh, okay, 'What about?' And he said, 'Because they found out that I wear a pull-up at night.' And it was like somebody had stabbed me in the heart. You know when you have that moment when you think, 'Oh shit, um, I didn't know that.' And, um, and I— and he said, 'And nobody really likes me anyway.' And I thought, you know, it's so difficult because you think, 'Well, they'd like you more if you were nicer,' but kids don't don't behave like that. They don't, you know, take on— take things on like that. They don't have that awareness. So I'd calmed him down by this point, and I managed to get him into the car. Now, question: did I persuade Nico, you know, appeal to his sense of kindness, oh, swap seats with him? Actually, no. I held the boundary. Um, I might have, but I just felt it was important for him to know that we do— we can still do things that are difficult. Things that we don't want to do, um, especially when we feel understood. So he got in the back seat, strapped him in, he went quiet. I got in the front seat. I was like a kind of wrung-out dishrag at this point. We drove off and I said— my husband said, what do you think they think of us? And I said, do you know what, he is our child and we've got to do and learn what's best for him, and they may not be our friends. In 5 years' time. In fact, they are, and we do sort of have a laugh about it even though it was really, really painful. So I'm just going to come back to my slides now. And yeah, there's the car seat, that's the tantrum. And I'd also like to ask you, what resonated with you with that story? What did you get for you? Was there something that you felt You know, you could sense that things like that happened in your, happen in your life. And if that's the case, drop something in the chat box. Okay. And while you're doing that, I want you to think about a stressful situation that you have with your kids, what I call a hotspot, a kind of an everyday thing, something that wind, things that wind you up, things that make you be that stressed-out parent, wind up shouting and yelling, wind up nagging and threatening. So, and actually, if you can drop in the chat box what, when it is, at what point in the day it is. I gave you a more general hotspot example there, but, you know, I'm sorry, more specific, but give me a more general one, something that you come across regularly and it pushes your buttons, it drives you mad. And I'm going to talk you through secret 1: parenting in the tranquil zone improves kids' behavior. Okay, write that one down. Parenting in the tranquil zone improves kids' behavior. Somebody said bath time is always a struggle. Yep. Anyone else have bath time? Usually it's bath time, mealtimes, bedtimes, getting out in the morning, those kind of things, you know, leaving the house, getting dressed. Those kind of things. So pull out your chart and I'm going to show you my— talk you through the compassion cooperation matrix. So let's look at Zone 1. Okay, so Zone 1 is the tired of nagging, the tuned out zone. So what do I mean by that? You find that you go round and round repeating yourself and then not cooperating. You're starting to feel disconnected, annoyed with them. Maybe you issue sort of wild threats. Right, I'm going to throw all your toys away unless you tidy them up. Right, that's it, you know, no food for the rest of the week. Mad things. Maybe our kids are tuning us out. Perhaps they've just run off. Perhaps they've just, you know, shouted no at us. Look, kids will definitely say no, but if it's this repeated thing, and, you know, you feel like you're going round and round in circles. They're not cooperating and you're feeling disconnected. That's Zone 1. Okay, no, absolutely no criticism of you if you've been finding yourself in Zone 1. Okay, let's look at Zone 2. That is the threat and the fear zone. So those threats that you know pretty sure will get your kids to cooperate. So I could have got Felix to get in the car by driving off, um, and I know parents that have done that, um, and I didn't. But if I had, he, he— I'd never have found out what was bothering him. And actually, if we rule by fear, um, then our kids will be frightened to tell us when they've made mistakes. So we need to be quite careful of that. The reason that we jump to it is because we don't know— we're stuck, we don't know how else to deal with things. Um, but, um, they also feel quite resentful if we use fear like that. They feel resentful. Okay, let's look at number 3. That's sort of feeling sorry for them. Um, it's kind of compassionate, um, but it's sort of— it's feeling sorry for them, and it's also feeling worn down. So, you know, we can feel worn down around mealtimes when they say, I don't want this. And we can say, okay, fine, I'll make you a cheese sandwich when we don't want to make them a cheese sandwich. Maybe, you know, they are begging for more time on the iPad. We don't want them to, but we think, oh, and they say, you know, but all my friends watch that program. And we think, oh, okay. And we give in, but then we feel resentful of it. We feel we kind of regret it. We think anything to shut them up, anything for a quiet life. But actually then, you know, we find we're dancing around on eggshells, anything to please them or anything to avoid a tantrum. So that's zone 3. And there is the tranquil zone. And this, when we parent in the tranquil zone, things are really different. It's not about being perfect, but things are really different when we parent in the tranquil zone. So I'm going to tell you what I mean by that. So when we're in the tranquil zone, We have consistent boundaries and we know what our boundaries are and we know how to be consistent with them. We have systems and processes that help our children cooperate and avoid the nos and the why should I's. We've got mutual respect. They listen to us and we listen to them. The very first book I read was called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. And I thought it's a really brilliant title and I wanted to learn more, but the book didn't do it for me. I don't know if any of you have had that when, you know, those, the parenting books don't quite, it just doesn't quite give you enough. And that's actually how I went to a parenting class. We feel connected, we get them, we get them emotionally, we understand them, we know, understand what makes them tick. And we get to this point where actually we want to please each other. That's the tranquil zone, that's the confident parent. And I'd like to ask you honestly, during those hotspots— so we've got things like getting dressed, eating, after school when they get home, they won't do things, they won't play, you know, they won't perhaps do their homework or get ready for bed— so what quadrant would you say you're in when actually quite often what we do is pendulum. We kind of flip-flop between them. So drop a number in the chat box, but I suspect, yeah, so there's the quadrant one, that kind of like, oh, I'm just nagging and nagging and nagging and they're not cooperating. That's what lots of people, one and three, yeah, that kind of flipping from one to three. And then we would get really desperate We might, we might throw the hand grenade in of number 2. Okay, so you can see that you're not alone here when you could— you can see that other parents are putting that, you know, in those hotspot zones, they're in 1 and 3. And that, just as a reminder, and you might want to jot that down, that's the, the tranquil zone when we do really feel, um, respected by our kids and we show respect to them. And there's lots of different ways to do that, and I'm going to come on to show you in, in Secrets, um, 2 and 3. But it's just really worth knowing that it starts with us, and then when, when we manage that, to stay in that tranquil zone, the impact on them is huge. Felix, how did he turn out? So he's 23 now, and there he was graduating from his master's in real estate. He is so calm now, you wouldn't believe it. This child who had mega, mega tantrums and was really, really difficult— all my kids have been difficult in their different ways. So, um, but I think, you know, I probably learned the most through being the parent of Felix. And, um, he has a great life. He has really good friendships. He's really close to us. He, he had a, um, he's done really well academically even though he is quite dyslexic and he struggled through school. Um, he's got a lovely relationship and he comes to us for advice and he's really close to you know, he's not a perfect child. He won't refuse to unload the dishwasher at times, but, um, he, he's a great kid. So, um, I want to share with you Imogen and Peter. So Imogen and Peter, um, worked with me. They, they, um, took my course. And, um, really not long after Imogen and Peter started working together and coming to classes, uh, I got this text from them. "We implemented the no TV rule this morning and it was so much more peaceful." I said, "Great, how did the kids respond?" "Well, we did that as you suggested. We gave them warning and they just took it. What a relief and what a difference." Now it wasn't one simple thing that Peter and Imogen did, but it was amazing how fast the progress was. And who wouldn't want that? You know, when you've been having fights over the TV or fights over things with your kids, How great to have a peaceful morning. So what could you do to stay in the tranquil zone? Anything that you've got already, because again, I want this to give— take value from, from today. What could you do to stay in the tranquil zone? Is there one thing that you've just picked up from that that you think, you know what, I could do more of, or I could do, uh, you know, something that was suggested there? And, uh, just jot that down in the chat or, or jot it in your notebooks. It would be lovely to see it in the chat. Okay, secret 2. Write this down. If I know I'm going pretty fast here, secret 2 is changing how we understand and interpret challenging behavior. Change how we understand and interpret challenging behavior. Somebody in the chat has said that they really listen and acknowledge that that's what they got from secret favorite one, listening and acknowledging a child's feelings, thinking what this is really about. Great. Okay, I'm so glad that you're getting stuff from this. Here's a little girl in the supermarket. Some, you know, perhaps this is a lead-up to a big tantrum. She's crying, and, you know, we're feeling stressed by trying to get the shopping done. So how are we interpreting this? Is she— and particularly when we're feeling at our wit's end, Is she being naughty? Is she being spoiled, demanding, dramatic, selfish? Is she trying to wind you up? That's one way of interpreting it. And when we interpret our child like that, that's when we get into this push-pull with them, and that's often when the worst behavior comes out. But maybe we could interpret it like this. Maybe she's disappointed. She— you were going to go to the playground, and then you realised that you absolutely had nothing in the house, and you had to go via the supermarket. So she's disappointed. Maybe she's frustrated because she's sitting in the, in the trolley. Maybe she didn't really know what to expect. Maybe she thought you said shop, and she thought you were going to buy her something. Maybe she's really just having a hard time, and maybe she needs empathy and some boundaries around what's expected of her. That can make a huge difference. Now, should you relent and give her the bag of M&M's that she's screaming for? How do you hold on to the boundary? I can't really tell you in one, like, you know, one kind of magic one sentence, but I would say If you've been clear about what it is upfront that you will or you won't buy, um, no, don't buy the M&Ms. And even if you haven't been clear and you don't want to buy them, stick with it. But there are definitely ways that you can do that without shaming and threatening and getting cross with her. So, and think about this, who— look, I'd like you to think of you in a work situation. Um, maybe some of you aren't actually in the workplace at the moment, but that doesn't matter. Um, and just think, Who responds well to being judged, shouted at, or told off? Now, at the beginning, a lot of you said that, um, you, you know, you turn in that desperation, you turn to shouting. You probably find you go from 0 to 60 really fast. We all do it. Um, but actually, if you think about you, how do you respond to being told off? Maybe your boss has given you a document to produce and you haven't managed to do it. You were distracted, you were busy, you were tired, you didn't perhaps know quite what was expected, and you didn't get it done. And they said, I'm really disappointed. I'm very surprised that you haven't done this. Maybe they shout across the office, where, Linda, where's that document I asked you for? Telling you off. This really isn't good enough. How do you feel if you are spoken to like that, or if that's the attitude of the person that's wanting something of you? How does it feel? Write in the chat box how it feels. I know how I feel, but I'm really interested to know how you feel and respond to when you are being judged, shouted at, or told off. I think our kids shut down and I'm, you know, again, never here to judge, but I think our kids shut down and I think they feel resentful. And I know that's what I do if I've been judged, shouted at, or told off. Natasha and Mark, one of they, yeah, makes you wanna shut that person out. Not good, somebody said. So Natasha and Mark joined my program all the way from New York. I know I've got people coming tuned in from the States. So yeah, that's where Natasha and Mark live. They happen to actually be English, but they lived in New York difficult little Oscar, particularly in social situations. So much so that they had been avoiding them. Has anybody done that? Do you do that? Does that kind of happen, that you sort of, um, shy away from social situations because you're not really sure how your child is going to react or act, uh, or act up? So that was what was happening. I mean, not just that, he was extremely jealous of his, his baby brother. He was not wanting to do, you know, all the usual things— get dressed, get in the bath, stuff, some of the stuff that people have been talking about already. But the social thing was something that was really hard for them, uh, and she wrote, oh my God, we had the best day out. We met with friends. Oscar was a dream. She told me, she shared about it in the group session after that. They'd managed to have pizza, they'd gone on a boat ride together, and he was a dream. I'm so thrilled. What made the difference? She said, we prepared him. This is one of the things they did. We prepared him with the GREAT method. It's something that I teach. Thank you so much. I am so privileged. My job is— I am passionate about it, and the privilege to work with parents and have them join my program and get that kind of result pretty fast, it's just the best feeling in the world. And I know for you guys to have that sense that you've got more joy from being a parent, it's just— it's the best thing, because none of us had kids to nag and shout at them or yell at them. So what was, what might you do differently from that, from secret 2? How could you get a quick win? What could you do? And tell me in the chat box, what could you do? Maybe it's around a thought process. Maybe it's around, you know, that what it is, is how we interpret challenging behaviour. Maybe you might press pause. Next time, maybe you might think of preparing your kids for something that is coming up, even, or, you know, maybe you might think of having some clearer rules and boundaries around those hotspots. So again, jot in what could be a quick win for you. And while it's a little slow to come through, actually, so while you're jotting that, I don't want to wait because I don't want to waste any more time. Secret 3: become a detective. I often say to people, you know, put on your magnifying glasses and become a detective with your kids. So here's a scenario so many of us have had: it's time to leave the park and your child runs off or has a tantrum. How might you typically deal with a total meltdown, particularly when you're feeling short of time and stressed by it. So you might say, "We're off," and then they have this meltdown, and then you, when they scream, you might sort of dance around on eggshells. "Okay, okay, right, we'll stay longer then," even though you don't want to. You might get cross and, you know, like I did, and use some shame tactics. You know, "You're just badly behaved," I'm sick of this, other people are watching you, those kind of things. You might make a threat. Right, that's it, you're not getting TV when you get home. That was one of mine. Right, that's it, we're never coming to the park again. That's another one that we'll often pull out. Maybe in the middle of a tantrum, you try and explain things. Now, what we need to know is that when children are really emotionally dysregulated, they can't take and process, uh, the logic and reason. So that's something to take away with you. They just can't process it. So we might try and explain, and then we find that we're getting nowhere, and they may be getting actually worse. So, um, yeah, just remember that one. Here's what I want you to do, is, is this magnifying glass. Be a detective. Think about what it might be like. Now, this is one thing that there are more systems that I would have parents put in place to deal with things like leaving the park. But one thing you might think about is, was she just expecting to leave, to, to stay longer? Kids live in the moment. They're egotistical. They don't care if we say, you know, I need to get home, because that, that's normal. They're completely egotistical. So she might be, have been expecting to leave, to stay longer, and it's absolutely not cutting it when we say what we need. Maybe she missed her turn on the swing and she's really disappointed about it. Maybe she had a turn on the swing and loved it so much and she just wants another one. Maybe the new baby has been taking up a lot of time, and, or maybe you've got a new job, or maybe there's been a change. All these things, this is why these magnifying glasses make such a difference. All these things impact our children, and that's why we need to be the detective. So what if we thought that all behavior was communication? What if, what if we thought, do you know what? And even I'm going to say even hunger and tiredness, it's still a form of communication. And instead of— we've all done that actually. I mean, I know that probably the hunger and the tiredness is nothing new to you. You've kind of, you know that some of their meltdowns are just because they are simply tired. And maybe the bedtime routine needs looking at and you need to have some better systems and boundaries around that. But if we think all behavior is communication, that means that we look behind it. That means that instead of reacting and having our buttons pushed by what's presented to us, what we are seeing then and there, we think, okay, what's behind this? Now sometimes it's their temperament. In my program, I go into in detail all kinds of ways to learn about and understand children's different temperaments. And sometimes that will just help us and thinking, ah, okay, that temperament is driving the behavior. So it's getting that understanding. But if we think all behavior is a form of communication, then we can look and think, how do I respond differently to this? Okay, so here's how you could respond instead in these situations like leaving the park. This will save you time and it will also save you stress. Now we know how the gift I'm going to give you for, for being here live tonight, and thank you, you are all, you've all stayed on. So it's great that you're all still with me. Is, is the, is 20 ways to relax and re-energize, de-stress and re-energize. I know how stressful it is to be a parent, but if we can find ways to be less stressed and save time, oh my God, how much better our life can be. So validating her feelings. Now there are very specific ways that I teach parents to do that. But, um, it's about coming in with that empathy, coming in with thinking, what is this possibly about, or what boundary do I need to have in place so that we can avoid the tantrums like this. Using some tantrum soothing tactics if it's gone that far and we need to know it in that moment, using some tantrum soothing tactics can help them to calm down. In my program, I go into a lot about neuroscience, and the amygdala is a part part of the brain that goes into— really quickly releases stress hormones, and kids go into fight, flight, or freeze, or fear. It's actually those four Fs. And so it's just helpful to know that and really understand the neuroscience. But tantrum soothing tactics can help to calm down that amygdala. And pick a calming technique for yourself. We did the breathing earlier, um, something to help you, that's help you be in that tranquil zone. Because if we are regulated, it really, really helps our child. And there's so much research coming out about that. What I find amazing about what I do is that way back when I started, well over 20 years ago, there was a lot of this information wasn't available. And so it's so exciting to see how quickly parents, I've literally fast-tracked their progress because there's so much more known. And I, you know, if you like me as a parenting coach and put your trust in me, know that I go forward, I kind of sift out what I, and, you know, carefully research the the systems, the techniques, the strategies that can really help us as parents. So a calming technique might be good for yourself, and know that the more regulated we are, the more regulated they'll be. Becky and Michael came on my program all the way from New Zealand. So when they came to the group sessions, it was morning in New Zealand and evening in the UK. It was hilarious. Becky was sitting in the sunshine because it was summer there and winter here. And Michael's a psychologist. What was really lovely is that going through the modules, particularly around the neuroscience, he gave me a really big stamp of approval and said, yeah, I had it exactly spot on. But as often happens with psychologists, doctors, teachers, when it's your own child, you need to get some help, often need some help. So they did. They, they, they came, as I say, they came all the way from New Zealand And Becky sent me this message: I've only watched Module 1 and I've seen the biggest difference in Maximus. I asked her what specifically. He let my— now Michael was never able to put him to bed or even things like, you know, give him his supper or get him dressed. He let Michael put him to bed and it took 15 minutes versus the 2 hours that it was taking me. I said, wow, that must make you feel better. And she said, and this was so wonderful to read, 'Yes, now I'm being the mum I always dreamed I would be.' That was just after Module 1. She then made so much progress. We're still in touch. She's actually had another child since then, um, and we're still in touch. And, you know, again, that privilege of reaching people around the world. It's lonely and stressful being a parent, and, um, it's often really not what we expected. I think I said earlier, you know, nobody expected to have children in order to yell at them or, or, you know, nag at them or threaten them. Nobody did. Um, but it— we just get in, you know, without realizing and without having enough knowledge. Um, it can really feel lonely and stressful, particularly— and the truth is, some children are are more difficult than others. Does anybody find that? Has anybody here got one child— maybe you've got, you know, more than one, and you've got one child who you find way more difficult than the others? Felix was that child for me, and I learned so much about being his parent. And I, you know, we— I cried tears over him, and I definitely used to go to bed thinking, where did I go wrong? So it is— can be really, really lonely and stressful. I firmly believe that parenting is a muscle to build. It's something we're not taught. I mean, think about this. Who would go to a doctor who hadn't been trained? Who would send our child to a school where the teachers didn't have training? And yet we think that we should know how to raise our children, and particularly if we've got one that's very difficult. We think we should muddle through. We think we just should know. And I say, why should we? In any other field of work, we would get training if we were struggling and not feel shame about it. But there's something around getting help as a parent. The parents sort of think, you know, there's something wrong with me if I need help. And my megaphone message is, that's just not true. Take this away with you if nothing else. Children are sponges. Now, they're sponges for the good stuff. Who's had your child say, I love you to the moon and back, because that's what you say to them? Is anybody? What kind of really gorgeous stuff do your children say to you that you say to them? You know, maybe it's just, I love you so much, Mummy. You're the best in the world. Or just really, you know, and that's the sort of thing that we say to them. But they are also sponges for the bad stuff. They pick up on everything and they absorb it. So, and I know you've had this when, when you've shouted at your kids and then they shout back at you. They perhaps come out with just the sort of things that we say to them. So we have to be careful. The other thing to know is that the rates of of anxiety, stress, and depression in children is soaring, and particularly in the teenage years. So we've just got to be very, very careful that we guide them through that with knowledge and, you know, with a lot of thought and, um, build, you know, building on what the latest research is because It's a difficult world out there for them, and we really need them to be resilient and emotionally well-balanced. And I say a skilled, informed, and supported parent will really help to raise a resilient and emotionally balanced child. What do I mean by resilience? I mean things like bouncing back when they've had disappointment. Being able to cope with things, being able to push themselves to do hard things, not, um, being put off by failure. That's what I mean by resilient. And maybe, you know, they've been teased, maybe they haven't got the grades that they want, but that ability to think, I'm still okay, there's— I'm, you know, like that, I've got this good core, that is crucial for our children. And to be emotionally balanced so that they're not thrown off when they're teased. They're not, you know, if they feel embarrassed about something, that doesn't prevent them from trying again. That's, you know, a really big and important job for us as parents to help them to, in life, to cope. So what has been most helpful so far? Anything? Anybody got anything to jot in the chat box? Tell me what was most helpful. And I want you to imagine that what we talked about at the beginning— imagine that you are that confident parent, in charge, assertive, clear on your boundaries, saving time and energy, have clear routines, feeling calm, having fun, and more joy. How brilliant would it be to feel like that? So remember the goal of our time together. Was to show you how to connect with your child and manage challenging behavior whilst holding the boundaries. And I hope already that you've got some ideas and some things to go away with. And just to refresh, these are the 3 secrets that we talked about. Staying in the tranquil zone improves behavior. So, you know, that idea that it starts with the more regulated we are, the more, the better it is for them. It's not just exclusively that, but that's, and we looked at all those different elements to the tranquil zone. Changing how we understand and react to challenging behavior and becoming a detective. Those were the 3 secrets we looked at. So I hope it's been useful so far for things like connection, things like calmness, things like positivity. And think about how it would feel to avoid that conflict, that sense of pride, less guilt and regret. The amount of parents that say to me, Camilla, I wish I hadn't waited so long until I got in touch with you. Um, I really look back and think all that time that was lost. Um, I, you know, they're often really glad that they did finally make the move, but they wish they'd done it earlier. Parents say that to me all the time. Now, parental guilt, um, is a really difficult one that we're always going to have a little element of guilt, but much less guilt and more time and energy. And, and how would that feel? So I'd love to ask you to give me a score. Tell me on a scale of 1 to 10, how skilled do you feel? On a scale of 1 to 10, um, if 1 was like, I really I just feel like I just don't know so much of the time. I just don't know what I'm doing. And, um, and 10 is like, I'm that confident parent, I've got it. So we've got some scores 4 and 5. Yeah. And that's really common because I come back to this, this, um, idea, you know, we're not trained to be parents. Um, and why should we feel skilled? If we were a carpenter, there's a, you know, carpenter's toolbox. We would have learned, we would have been an apprentice, we would have learned. So it's no, no surprise that I've got those kind of scores showing up, 4s and 5s. Now it comes to a point in the Masterclass where I'm going to explain how you can take things further. Now you can take things further with Option A, which is doing it yourself, the DIY route. Very often what happens when we go DIY, I mean literally DIY, we'll often bicker with our partner. You know, husband's trying to put up the shelf and it's like that. So there's bickering, there's reverting back to old habits because we do ping back to old habits. We often get stuck because there's no one trusted to ask and we don't really want to ask friends. And anyway, they may have children that are very, very different to yours. Often we feel guilty and we may spend a lot of time on Google or on YouTube trying to find the answer. Fine. You know, for some people that works. Option B, which is what I would like you to really seriously consider, is getting help and support because that gives you— now it may not be with me, but I would love— you've spent all this time with me and you're still here. I would love you to consider very carefully getting the help and support from me. But whatever it is, the help and support that you get, It gives you— you need to have the ability to ask questions. You need to work with somebody whose opinion you trust. Now, I am not the permissive parent. I am not the parent that says, you know, kind of like, just be empathetic and let them do anything. Well, the parenting coach, I mean. I very much believe that children have to have clear boundaries, and we can say no, but it's how we do about go about that that is perhaps unique. So adapting these, I, you know, help to adapt tried and tested methods to suit you and your values and your child. And oh my goodness, does it save you time, stress, and often cash. How often have we thrown money? Parents tell me this all the time. You know, I threw money at a really expensive theme park because the kids were nagging me to go, and actually we had the most hellish day. Because they were so badly behaved and so unappreciative. So, you know, wasting money or games that they've nagged us for, and then like we buy them and they don't even like them or they don't even play with them. So getting help and support is option B. So if it's okay with you, I'm going to tell you about my course that the parents that you saw, um, come up that, you know, the parents that I described, they came on my course. Course. It's called— I want you to take action whichever way you do it. Take action. Don't just go away and think, yeah, that was nice. Definitely take action. So my course is called the Parent Survival Academy. You probably— some of you may have seen emails about it. Some of you may have, um, gone to the, the page about it on my website. But, you know, maybe you've decided to come today just to kind of get some more reassurance. Maybe Does anybody here think, you know, I've read about it, I'm in, I just, you know, I, I know that I want to join that course. If that's you, just, it'll be lovely to know, just drop that in the chat box. So it's called the Parent Survival Academy. It's a really unique way of learning how to be a better parent, not a perfect parent, but a better parent. It brings my 20 years of training and my years of being a mom into one course. And I've said it before, I am blown away by the how fast the progress is of the parents that join it. So you get— here are the things that you get. It's a unique combination of live calls, which are also recorded, so you can send your questions in and you can get your answers. I give you answers to your questions, or you come live. We meet on Zoom as in a group. Combined with a video course that is groundbreaking, and you have lifetime access to the video course. I'm not here to, you know, do a major sales pitch on it, but you've seen already how passionate I am about helping parents. So I hope that you think, you know what, I'm going to listen to what Camilla says and I'm going to really consider this because I'm— you're, you know, you've stuck it out already and you want to be a better parent. So this is what the things that you get from the course. You get help and support from me and from each other because you're with like-minded parents who aren't afraid to be really honest and, you know, say it as it is. You get a calmer family life. I mean, those stress hormones that we get, this cursing, the cortisol that curses through our body, is really dangerous for us. So how, you know, what price a calmer, happier family life where perhaps your mealtimes are calmer, your mornings are calmer. You get tools to avoid or shorten the tantrums, peaceful bedtimes, and you know, those evening routines where you just kind of, you know, you've got it all in order, you know what you're doing. A deeper connection with your child—that is the foundation of the course—is this deep connection with your child. Not about giving in to them, not about just, you know, buying them whatever it is that they want, but that deep emotional connection. Parents say to me all the time, I learned so much more about parenting— I'm sorry, about my child— from your course. I just got this much better understanding of, of how they tick and what they're like, because we're not taught. An aligned approach with your partner. Who doesn't squabble? With their partner. I mean, really, it's, it's a tough one, and it's not particularly healthy for the children if you're really squabbling over the approach. But when the approach is aligned, things get so much easier. Tools to use for life. You have lifelong access to the video course, and believe me, I still use these tools on my kids, with my kids. When I'm being really effective, I use it with my husband and Parents that access the course and come on the course tell me they use it with their colleagues in the workplace. And because it's really powerful and fundamental communication skills that I teach you. When you click through to— if somebody would just click through to that link and make sure that it works, then it— you'll just— yeah, just check if you wouldn't mind that that link works, but then you'll get the breakdown of the modules. I don't want to go into detail into the 4 modules, but it is designed— parents tell me all the time there's 2 barriers. They say, 'I don't have enough time,' and, um, 'I don't have enough money.' I'm going to tackle those both. Okay, time, which is the major one. It is designed for the busy working parent. The modules, the lessons within each of the 4 modules are between 5 and 15 minutes each. Uh, and so you can just watch one at a time. Uh, and it's just— and also it's like Netflix, so when you come back in, you go, you resume where you left off. So that makes it much, much easier. You can watch it on a phone, an iPad, a laptop, a PC, whatever it is. Um, it's very, very— and you can have your own personal login to the course, and you can do it in your own time. This is the bonus part, which is these group calls. So they are so great. We come together on Zoom. There's 5 sessions and it— we have a laugh. You share, you go into breakout rooms. We cover stuff that isn't necessarily in the video course because it's, it's— I'm reacting to you and your situations. And you'll find you've got so much in common from the other parents, and it's such a supportive environment. And that's, I really strongly believe, is what parents need, that support. I put the values here because, you know, if we think about the value of coming together, or— but this isn't what I'm going to charge you for it, but the value of coming together in a I put it at $500. It's actually really difficult to, to put a price on the, on the value of it. But anyway, um, the WhatsApp— I don't know if those in North America use WhatsApp, but it's a great form of us coming together. We're a smallish group usually, and the best way we— I figured is actually a WhatsApp group. So we communicate with each other between the sessions. I can do a Facebook group if that's what works better, but, um, lately we've been on WhatsApp. And, um, Andrea came from— I think she was in Idaho. She wrote me a message about her little boy saying how grumpy he used to be in the morning, uh, resistant to anything. He now wakes up excited to have his breakfast and get dressed for school. And she's certain because she's able now to focus on all the things that he's doing well, whereas past— in the past, they focus on the things that he wasn't doing well. Life's so much better. I have so many testimonials. When you go onto the page, when you click through there, you can watch them and read them. So if we add up the value of this course, the course alone, uh, valued at £1,000, the, the group calls at least £500 value, and the WhatsApp, you know, that ability to get some confidence and some suggestions between the sessions. So they add up to £1,600, but that isn't what I, uh, the, the cost of the course. So there is right now, if you are here live, there is the ability to get, uh, an early bird bonus, which, um, is only until the 19th of April. So if you're watching on, um, on replay, um, if you, the 19th of April tomorrow, Friday is when the, uh, early bird option, um, goes. So if you want to grab that, your first payment is £139. That's pounds. If you can translate that into dollars very easily. And then your second two further payments after that, or you just do it in one at £397, and that will be going up to £497 after tomorrow. You can enroll today. Tell me who's in. It would be really, really lovely if you're, if you're going to be it. So I've got I've got some people saying, I'm in. Fantastic. That's great. I get so excited when people join. And look, the cost. Think about when we need to upgrade our phone or when our phone breaks. We might add it on a payment plan, but actually, when you add up that payment plan, it's usually coming to well over £600. The latest iPhone is £1,100. I think it's actually more than that. We often won't hesitate. We sign our kids up to classes that cost a minimum of £200 a term for the little kickers or the rugby tots or the ballet or the swimming, and often they're screaming and complaining about going. And yet when it comes to us, we'll often think, I shouldn't be spending that money. And I just say, see this as an investment because it really is that. I am coming on to questions. So I hope that you've got some questions for me. But also I've got a little extra bonus, which is my task trackers. I've had them very specially designed by a graphic designer. It's to help you save time and avoid nagging and reminding. They're really unique and parents are giving me fantastic feedback on using them. Creates a little visual timetable for your kids, and that means that you avoid the nagging. I also, I'm so confident in this course that I offer you a 30-day money-back guarantee. If you don't feel like you become a calmer and more confident parent, all you need to do is ask me for your money back. You do have to look at the course, you know, you've got to watch some of the videos and turn up to some of the group calls because otherwise you wouldn't know. But if you're not feeling calmer and more confident, then I'd be very happy to give you your money back. So this is what you happen— that happens when you click through. You go to the landing page there, the Parent Survival Academy. You scroll down and you pick your payment plan. You go to the checkout. It's all secure and bang, you're in. You get access immediately to start watching the modules of the video course, and then you get the information sent to you about the, the logging in to our group sessions. So when you log in to the course, which you have lifetime access to, you get a tour of the members area. It's very carefully laid out, make— made it really, really easy for you. And as I say, right now it's, um, until tomorrow, it's on a special early bird. There are a few limited spaces available for my private coaching package. Uh, you'd need to apply to that by having a discovery call with me. So I'd be more than welcome to, um, talk to you, discuss that with you. That gives you extra private coaching with me. Okay, so it's question time's coming up, um, but I'd just like you to consider while you're thinking of your questions, are you the stressed-out parent? Do you feel stuck and worn down? You know, be really honest with yourself. I know I was that. Are you worried about your child? Are you disagreeing about your parenting approach? Are you thinking, I just don't have time, I'm too stressed to take this on? And yet I promise you, you will become the calmer, more confident parent by taking this on and investing a little bit of time. Maybe you think I should be able to cope. I would say, why should you? None of us were trained for originally, and why not get training? So enrolment's closing, but why wait? There you go, that's it, the extra bonus, the money-back guarantee, and now please ask me anything. I would really love to have your questions and tell me what they are. So I know that I've still got some people here, so I've got a question here, what if I have to miss one of the calls. They are recorded, and I always encourage you just submit a question, give me the email, me with what's going on, and then I answer it on the call, and then you get to watch the replay. So, um, it— some parents can't make all of the calls, but that's fine. Um, and they are— and somebody else said, when do they start? So they start on the 30th. It's Tuesday the 30th. April, and they are at 8 PM UK time, and we go on for about an hour and a quarter. Another question, really brilliant question, is what age kids is this applicable for? So it is not a course for the teenage years. I'm really clear about that. It's for parents of kids between 2 and 10. That's the examples that I I have had parents join the course because they so wanted to. They said, look, I know this isn't about the teenage years, but, um, there's so much useful stuff in it that they were absolutely happy to join in. And that's absolutely fine, but I just make it clear that there are some extra elements to teenagers that I don't cover. But I can honestly say that everything that I teach in the Parent Survival Academy, I used with my kids during the teenage years. Can I spread the payments? Yes, you can. As you can spread it over 3 months. Um, is it just for naughty kids? Like, do I have to have a difficult child to join? Absolutely not. No. Um, it is, um, parents— some parents, actually Andrea, who gave that, and talking about her child in the morning, nothing was terrible, but she just knew she wanted to, to learn more. Somebody says, what if they may be on the autistic spectrum? I have had— absolutely, it's not a course specifically designed for kids on the autistic spectrum, but I've had many parents come with neurodiverse kids and find that it's so helpful for them to be able to stay calm. It's helpful to managing those outbursts that children on the neurodiverse children will often have, having clear boundaries. So absolutely, and it's been very successful for that. Jan, do drop me another question if you wanted to ask me anything extra about that. Other parents ask, what if we parent very differently? My hope is that both parents join in the Zooms. Sometimes that's not possible. And so therefore my hope is that one parent will catch up or teach the other or kind of, you know, feedback what they've learned. You can both watch the modules together. It tends that it brings parents together. Now each parent has their style. My husband was definitely more of the kind of risk-taking and I was more of the sort of let's keep them secure. So So we had different styles, and actually that was a really great combination for our children. So, and, you know, they, they took more risks than— and I'm talking about physical risks and also other risks— than perhaps they might have done if he hadn't been like that. So we can definitely have different parenting styles and come together. How long do we get? So you get lifetime access to the course, and you can You know, I encourage you to go through it while we are going through the group calls, but if you don't finish it, um, then you, you can watch it afterwards. And there's so much within the course that you might want to look at, um, and go deeper. There's workbooks to print out, there's extra information about things like creating a calm space. So there's so much there. You may not do all that in one go, and I very much encourage you to take things, um, one step at a time. So, yes, so Joanna, is there anything else that— sorry, it's Joanne— any other questions that you wanted to ask me about that? No. Okay, so I think I've probably covered everything. Feel free to email me if you have extra questions. I'm always happy to answer them. If you wanted to apply for the upgrade to working privately with me, then please book a discovery call. It's on my website. You can book a discovery call. I think somebody was going to— my husband was actually going to put that link in, but I think he might not be here anymore. And it's been a pleasure. Thank you so much for joining me. If you're watching the replay, I hope that you've got a lot from this. I'd love you to join the group. I do it very rarely. Oh, actually, that's another question. Um, when will be the next one? I actually don't know. I haven't done this course. I've been so busy with, with, um, other aspects of my work that I haven't run the Parent Survival Academy for a good few months. So, um, the, uh, I don't know when I'm going to run it again. I would really encourage you to join sooner rather than later. Um, often, yeah, and that's a great one, great question, Joanna. They're worse for us, but not at school or grandparents. That's very, very common, and we go into that, and you— we go into that on the group calls, and there's a reason for it that I won't explain now. But what you find you get from the course gives you the ability to get them to be better for you at home, and that's what I want. That's my hope. But yes, that's a really, really common one. So, and that's not just for children, neurodiverse children or children on the autistic spectrum. It's for a lot of children. And in fact, it's sort of better that they're worse for us because we've got that unconditional love for them. So, you know, in a way that's reassuring. So I'm going to sign off now. I do hope that you've enjoyed tonight. I hope that you've got a lot from it. I would absolutely love you to join us in the group, and, uh, thank you very much for attending.