An instructor role-plays with a child actor portraying a 4-year-old upset he can't go to California to see his grandparents for three days. The demo shows how to validate his feelings, enter his fantasy world, offer safe outlets like crying or hugging, use concrete time markers like counting sleeps, and suggest alternatives like looking at pictures of Grandma.
I've been given a scenario of little 4-year-old Austin who's been acting up a lot. He has a lot of imaginary scenarios that go on, and then when he is told that that's not real, he gets himself into a real state. He's also been missing Grandma and Grandpa because he hasn't seen them for a long time, and he's very upset that Sorry, switch that off. He's very upset that he's got to wait 3 days in order to see them. So a couple of things: time for children is, you know, they're so in the moment and they can't really get to grips with anything further than 1, maybe 2 days ahead, especially a child under the age of 5. So it's no surprise that they get themselves worked up because they think things are going to be immediate. So we're going to start off with the fact that he's packed his bag. He thinks he's going to California, whereas in fact he's got to go to preschool. So I'm just going to show you, try to be Austin with the help of Piggy, and show you how you might respond using, in particular, wishes in fantasy, but first of all validating the emotion.
I packed my bag and I'm going to California and I want to go now and it's all ready and I've got it all ready and I don't want to go to school and it's not fair and I want to go to California because I've got my bag and you've got to make, you've got to take me, Mummy.
Oh my goodness, you are so upset about this. Look, you've made, packed your whole bag in such a grown-up way. You've got your suitcase and let's have a look what you've got inside it. You've got your t-shirt and your shorts and your book, and you remembered your toothbrush, and you thought that maybe you could go and just get on the plane and go to California.
I know, I want to go, I want to go! It's not fair! Leave me alone and get off me!
Oh dear, darling, I can see that what you really wish is that I could just wave my magic wand, and maybe you wish we could— I'd pack my bag and we'd go pack our bags together, and we maybe we'd get in a taxi, and we'd go to the airport, and we'd check in, and perhaps get a drink for the aeroplane, and then we'd sit on the aeroplane, and we'd go all the way to California. And that's what you really, really wanted this morning.
But I do, Mummy, I do.
I know you do, and it makes you feel so sad. That it's— it's— is it really? Can we really go to California this morning? But I want to. And you've calmed down a little bit, and I can see how much you want to, and I can see from your face how sad it's making you. And it looks to me like maybe you want to have a little cry about that. Sometimes it's just good to get things— let out our emotions and have a little cry. Should we have a little hug? And we can think about what you— I know that you'd love that so much, to go to California, and it feels so boring to have to go to nursery today. So I'm going to give you a big hug and a kiss. And you know what? You're such a brave boy because you feel so disappointed that you can't go, and yet you've also calmed down. So let's— should we have another hug? And then maybe we could sing a song about going to California. 'And maybe we could plan that, what we'd do when we got there.' 'Yeah, okay.' So I say these things more fluently because I practice with it, but I know this is the sort of thing you can learn. So a couple of things for that is a lot of emphasis in your voice, digging deep into the things that he was excited about, kind of going into the fantasy with him. And then also juxtapositioning that with a gentle question: 'Do you think we can really do that right now?' Then reflecting the emotion, like if you see the tears welling up, say, 'It looks to me like you might want to have a little cry about that,' and offering a hug if that's what helps your child. Usually it does, but you're not going to give the hug straight off because you've got to help them to— and the emotion to subside. So I'm just going to add in the extra thing which was about him being really disappointed that he's not going to Grandma's house today and starting to act up at bedtime.
'I want to go to Grandma's house today and you said that we were going to go and I don't want to wait and it's not fair and I'm not going to go to bed and you can't make me and I hate you.' Oh wow, there's so much emotion there.
Do you know what? You just wish that it was going to Grandma's. You are so upset that we can't go to Grandma's house today, and that's making you stomp your feet and say really, really cross things to me because maybe you thought that it was today that was when we were going to go, and you're so excited about seeing her that you don't want to wait 3 days, do you?
I don't want to wait 3 days, and you are horrible. I don't like you, Mummy.
I know, because you wish I could just be magic and we'd see Grandma. But do you remember how many sleeps that we said it was to see Grandma? Should we count? Should we count? Yeah, 1, 2, 3. I know that feels like a really, really long time for you. I've got an idea, and I'm so— I love the fact that you've calmed down. And it's so nice because now you can really listen to me. I know, I know. Do you know how I know you're listening? Because you're looking at me with your big blue eyes. So how many sleeps was it before we go to Grandma's? 3, that's right. But maybe we could get a picture of Grandma and you take that to bed with you, and then you can think about her and think about all the things that you want to tell her all the things that you want to share with her, okay? Would that be good? Alright darling, and I, do you know what? I'm really impressed because sometimes you have a tantrum like that, you shout and kick and scream at me and it can be like 15 minutes, but today it was only about 3 or 4 minutes. That's such an improvement. I love you. Okay, so again, that's about Reflecting the emotion with some passion in your voice. Spelling out what it is that he wants. And then I came in with some suggestions. And it's quite good to say, 'I've got a suggestion. Would you like to hear?' And also reflecting improvement— sorry, praising for improvement. So the fact that he calmed down quicker than he might have done in the past. So I hope that's helpful.
