Rude Kids? How to teach respect without shaming or punishment

You're stupid. You can't make me. Give me a drink now. Go away from me. When we hear our child say things like this to us, two things usually happen. First, it really presses our buttons. We think, how dare you? I'd never have spoken to my mother like that. And second, we feel awful. Where did I go wrong? I bet nobody else's child is like this. So in today's episode, I'm diving deep into the thorny issue of when our child is rude. My kid is so rude. 3 calm and powerful ways to respond. I'm going to be talking about what's behind this kind of behaviour and how to respond in the moment and how to help our child develop more respectful ways of communicating. And I'm also going to be coming back to the question of the week at the end, which is a really powerful one. So here's a sneak preview of the question of the week. My 5-year-old constantly says, I hate you. What do I say to that? I've tried, "Don't be so rude. No, you don't," or "Go to your room," or "You're not allowed to say that to me," but nothing works. So make sure that you listen on to the end so you can hear my reply to that. But I want to find a few other more choice examples of the kind of rude thing kids say. They say things like, "Give me that," or they huff, "You're so annoying." Maybe it's the way they snap, or they roll their eyes, or they just use that tone that makes our hackles rise. And when this happens, and especially if it's in front of others, or worse, if it's directed at others, it's even more stressful. But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So let me start with a story of a couple who are clients of mine. I'm going to call them Jessica and Simon. So Jessica and Simon were furious after Jessica witnessed their 6-year-old son snapping at their nanny who was trying to get them out of the door, right, for school. He said, you are not the boss of me. I'm not getting my shoes on. The nanny looked shocked. She was relatively new. Jessica felt embarrassed and also torn. She told me, I just didn't know what to do. And we spent some time in our session with me coaching them on a different way of responding next time, or a way of responding, 'cause I think at that point she just I didn't say anything. She felt awful. She said, I wanted to defend the nanny, but I also didn't want to shame my child, and I just didn't know what to do at the moment. So the situation is more common than we think. Usually they're ruder to the people that they feel the safest with, and that includes us as parents. Now, sometimes if it's a relatively new nanny, they're kind of testing the boundaries. Or they're feeling insecure with that person. So again, listen on because I want you to understand it more and get some solutions. So it really doesn't mean to say that we've done something wrong, especially if they're rude with us. It is a sign that our child needs guidance to learn how to respond positively to whoever it is. But if it is with us, it tends to be because they feel the safest with us. Oh God, I've been there so much myself. I remember a moment where one of my daughters was around the age of 4. We were in the playground and she shouted, "You need to buy me an ice cream now!" You know, that awful kind of hand on hip business. It was in front of other parents and that awful demanding tone, it genuinely shocked me. I had that flicker of embarrassment that Jessica had, that kind of hurt and frustration, but I had also learned. So what I did was that I stepped back and I understood that she wasn't a bad child, that, but that I could respond differently to the way I wanted to and far more helpfully. What I wanted to say was, well, no ice cream for you then, young lady. But instead I took her aside and I acknowledged the desire. Number 1, you want an ice cream. I get it. I validated the feeling. You feel really impatient and you want to get it right now. And then I asked her to phrase it differently, to ask me politely. I know this isn't easy. So in this episode, I want, as I said, I want to help you understand why our children are rude, because there is always a reason. And I'm gonna share 3 practical, calm, and respectful ways that we can respond. A bit like I've just described, but I'm gonna go into more detail. These tools really do make a difference. I've seen it with my own 4 children and with my work with the hundreds of parents that I've coached. When we apply these tips, thousands actually, when we apply these tips, it vastly reduces the frequency of rude behaviour. So it really is definitely worth paying attention. So let's look at why our child is rude. There are gonna be 2 main reasons, and they are completely human. One is habit. Rude talk often becomes a pattern, not because our child is definitely trying to be disrespectful, not because they're bad kids, but because it works. So if they shout, "Get my juice," and we hand it over quickly just to avoid the meltdown, we are teaching them that rudeness gets results. Children are always learning. They're learning about what happens when I do this. So when rudeness leads to getting what they want, even if we sigh, scold, or roll our eyes, they file away, okay, this works. Number 2, and this is so important. The second reason that kids are rude is often a signal. It's not a character flaw. So our child might be saying with their emotion, I'm overwhelmed. This could actually be a sensory overwhelm. So for more on sensory overload, do go to episode 12, which was released on the 12th of November, 2024, which is about sensory overload. It might be the emotion of not feeling heard. Look, how often does this happen? How often do they make a demand, a rude-sounding demand, when we are really distracted or in a rush, or dealing with a sibling. It might also be this emotion of, I don't know how to express this in a calm way. I'm not feeling calm, is the emotion that is behind what they're saying. So of course they just don't have the words for that yet. So it comes out as snappy, rude behavior, especially when they're tired, anxious, or struggling, dysregulated. And it does, as I've said, often show up with the people that they feel safest with. And that is usually us. So I want to have a quick word about us as parents. It's really important to say this. It is not our fault when our child is rude. And we also know that some children become more emotionally dysregulated and more prone to rude responses than others. I've worked with so many parents who feel ashamed when their child speaks disrespectfully. So this is not about blame. Rudeness is a common, normal part of child development. But even though it isn't our fault, we really do have a responsibility to guide our child. Because if we let it slide, ignore it, or don't address it with love and boundaries, it can become a habit that carries into the teen years. And as hormones kick in and emotional intensity increases in those years, These patterns can really take root and be harder to change. So catch it now while they're still young. I'm really a firm believer that good manners don't come naturally to most kids. They have to be taught and practised. So if you're finding this useful, please do grab my guide. It's a free guide. It's about getting kids to listen. So you just go to my website, myparentingsolutions.com, www.doslisten.com, or go to the show notes below where you'll see how you can get the guide, or if you want my own personal help and book a discovery call with me where we can talk about you and your situation. So, what's coming up is 3 calm and powerful responses to rudeness. Number 1, stay calm and don't react. I get it. It's easier said than done. It's a really hard one. I know. It is the most important thing. When our child is rude, we often want to react. We wanna raise our voice or send them to their room or tell them how terrible they are. But this kind of response just actually adds fuel to the fire and it doesn't teach them a better way to express themselves. It actually adds shame and also often will, will produce a response that's actually worse. So I'm going to give you some examples. They may sound really weird. You may think, how on earth could I do that? When I'm coaching parents, we do this in a step-by-step way so that they learn in time how to adapt these kinds of responses. But I hope that you can take something from today's episode. So something like, "Ew, that didn't sound polite. Try again using respectful words." We're keeping our tone neutral, calm, and firm. We're not adding drama, we're not adding shame, we're not adding threats. We're modeling how we hold a boundary without getting drawn into a power struggle. So you might be thinking, I've tried that and my child gets just more and more rude. Remember, this does take time. We're not looking for instant obedience. We're building a habit. Number 2, Recognize the emotion without shaming. So when we are dealing with rudeness, we've got to look at recognizing this emotion and we've got to take away the shaming. So this is where connection comes in. Most rudeness is rooted in our children feeling emotionally dysregulated. They've got these big, strong feelings and they don't know how to express them in different ways. So they're feeling angry, upset, frustrated, disappointed, jealous. There's all kinds of feelings that might be behind it. We've not met an expectation. They had an expectation that isn't being met, and they're lashing out because they don't know how else to communicate it. So as I've already sort of described, we can meet that moment with empathy without letting go of the boundary. You are really frustrated that I said no. That's hard. And I'm sorry, there is still no ice cream. We might say, um, it's okay to feel upset. I know that's why you said that. We don't talk to people in a tone of voice like that. This response shows them, I see you, I hear you, and I'm still holding the limit. It really is powerful. Number 3, ask for a replay. You can call it rewind, action replay, replay, a do-over. This one is so simple and effective. Why? Because we are actually getting our children to do the right thing rather than shaming them for doing the wrong thing. So we've gotta time it right. We might need to do it when our child has calmed down a bit, perhaps when we've validated that emotion, but we ask them to try again. We can say something like, "Let's replay that. How could you say that in a way that I can help you? What words could you use, or what tone of voice could you use in a way that I could help you?" Here, our tone of voice is key. We've got to keep it light, encouraging, not sarcastic or shaming. So it might look like this. Our child says, "I want juice," and we say, "Oh, let's try that again. How can you ask politely?" So we're not saying, "That's rude. Don't speak to me like that." We're just saying, "How can you ask me that politely?" They might say, "Please can I have some juice?" So we may need to prompt them and go one step further, or even model the words at first. We might say, okay, I get it. So I need you to say something like, please can I have some juice, mummy? So it's all about helping them practice the skills. And if they're really dysregulated, look, sometimes it's just all gone too far. They're yelling, they're crying, they're storming off. We're not going to get a calm, respectful reply at that point. In these moments, the best thing that we can do is wait. Don't give them the thing that they've asked for. Just let the storm pass, and then we might circle back. It may only take a few minutes. Just now you shouted at me. I think you were feeling really angry. So, let's practise how you can use respectful words to get what it is that you want. Would you like to practise that now? So, if they're rude to a nanny or a babysitter or a grandparent, I get this is such a common worry, and it really is tough because it affects that adult relationship and it affects how that person perceives them. So we've got to let them know. We might just say something like, in our family, we speak politely to everybody, including Jane, nanny's name, whatever, or Grandma. If you are rude, you just need to take a moment and come back when you are ready again to speak politely. We might need to speak to the caregiver. We might need to give them some phrases that they can use so that we can reinforce it, reinforce it, because consistency is definitely the key. So let's come back to the question of the week. I really hope that this is being helpful for you. Please rate and review. I'm gonna mention that again, 'cause I love this podcast to reach other people. Also, let me just remind you that you can see the show notes below to get my free guide to getting kids to listen or book a discovery call. But I want to come back to that important question of the week. My child constantly says, 'I hate you.' What do I say to that? I've tried, 'That's so rude,' 'You don't say that,' 'You're not allowed to say that,' but nothing works. So first of all, I really want to acknowledge that it's hard to hear. It hurts. But we've also got to remember they don't mean it. When they say, "I hate you," what they really mean is, "I'm angry," or, "I feel powerless." They're using the strongest words that they know to express a big feeling. So we might say something like, "You are really angry with me right now. It's so okay to feel angry. I get it. You are really upset. I can get that." I don't want you to tell me that you hate me, but I also really get that you are so upset. Where we might come back to it, earlier you said that you hated me. I think it was because I said no. You are allowed to feel upset. I get it. Let's think of a different way that you could express your feeling. So again, it's really about helping them build a script, one that still honours their feeling, But also just, it's again, it maintains the love and the boundaries. So we are treating them respectfully and we're helping them to become, learn more respectful communication, learn about manners. And as I say, I know that kind of sounds old-fashioned, but I really do think that manners are an important part of raising kids. So here are my final thoughts. This really isn't about raising perfect kids. It's about raising kids who can express their big feelings without hurting others, who learn how to have respectful, polite communication. And also just, you know, we've also got to remember that it is our responsibility to help them. It's not our fault, but it is our responsibility to help them. And there are so many ways that they can do that. As I said, you can grab my guide to get them to listen on myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten, which is a lot of it is about these steps to getting respectful communication. Um, and you can see the show notes to book a discovery call with me. I want to say that you've got this. I'm really glad that you're here doing this work with love and boundaries. You're a parent who cares. So thank you so much for listening. And again, if this episode was helpful, I'd love it if you gave me a rating and share it with a friend or your child's caregiver, someone who you think would benefit from hearing my podcast, Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries, with me, Camilla McGill. Until next time, thank you for listening.