Say goodbye to bedtime battles; 5 proven strategies to help kids sleep through the night

It's 2 AM, you're in a deep sleep, and you hear your child screaming over and over again. You wait for a couple of minutes in the vain hope that she might go back to sleep, but the screaming gets louder and you're terrified that she's going to wake her sister. You're also aware that last night not only did you spend an hour getting her back to sleep at 2 AM, but she woke again at 3, 4, and 5. You tried bringing her into bed with you, but she wriggled and kicked you. You tried lying next to her in her bed, but she made more and more demands until you totally lost it and shouted. So what do we do? In today's episode, how to deal with kids who wake in the night, I'm really thrilled to have my guest Gemma Davies, the Mindful Sleep Coach. Gemma's passionate about educating and supporting families like me, and she has them make positive changes to their little one's sleep. Firstly, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So we're going to be talking through 5 different ways to avoid the nightmare of nighttime wake-ups. This is so important because we all know that if we're repeatedly woken in the night, We're short-tempered and we malfunction in the day. This isn't just us, it's our kids too. So listen on and also stay to the end when we're going to be discussing the question of the week. My child is like a mini dictator and demands that I'm the only one who puts him to bed or goes to him in the night. My husband wants to share this. What do we do? Now on to you, Gemma. Tell us a little bit about you and why the Mindful Sleep Coach. Before we crack on with solutions, maybe you could just tell us couple of reasons why kids wake in the night, and then we're going to go on to discuss, um, the 5 different solutions.

Thanks. Hi Camilla, and hi everyone. So yes, I am Gemma Davies. I am the Mindful Sleep Coach, a sleep coach, and I work with families antenatally to up to those with little ones about 4 years old. So I— why am I called the Mindful Sleep Coach? Well, It's something that's just quite dear to my heart in terms of everything being a totally personal kind of bespoke way that I listen to my families. I'm conscious of what they want to achieve and very aware of their family situations and what good looks like to them. So yeah, so you can say that I'm kind of mindful of their wishes and desires, and that's where the name came from.

And you're also a mum of two little boys.

I am indeed. So I've got two young boys, a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old, so they are an absolute handful. So yeah, lots of, you know, and I'm a sleep coach, but of course, you know, my kids are normal kids. So, you know, we have tantrums, we have wakings, we have all sorts of things. But a lot of the things that I've learned being a sleep coach and working with my wonderful families has helped in good stead. Yeah, for my kids' sleep, but it's far from perfect.

Well, I think that's what makes you so lovely, Gemma, because, you know, like me, we're never aiming for perfection. We get it.

So the most popular reasons, I guess, why little ones normally wake in the night is often, especially when they kind of get to toddler age, is craving attention.

So it's absolutely lovely having this conversation with you today, Gemma, because I know how aligned we are, which actually brings me on to my first point that I always recommend that if parents are going to tackle something really difficult like waking in the night, when we're often so desperate about this, that they've really got to decide how badly do they want it. And also, not every parent is parenting with somebody else, but if you are, how badly do we both want it? If one parent is okay with musical beds or having a child in the bed and the other one isn't, it's going to be difficult to tackle the problem. So I always say to parents, start off by having a chat about it. Start off by getting clear about why it is that you want it. If it's really causing you irritation in the day, you're not able to focus properly, then you've got to just think, right, let's come together and have this. And if we just keep flip-flopping about, the— we— I just always find that the problem continues. So I'd say first off get your values aligned and start off with the decision, yes, this is something that I want to tackle. So it brings me on to our second point, and this is around, you know, why kids wake in the night and how we can help to stop it. And it's over to you, which is about that they crave attention.

Absolutely. So especially kind of at the toddler age, our little ones can really— like, one of the biggest kind of causes of night waking that I see is craving attention from their parents. You know, it's not to kind of say that we don't give them lots of attention in the daytime or the evening. It's just, it's hard in the world that we live in now. We're all working really hard, you know, whether that's looking after the kids all day or whether that's, you know, going to a job as such. And we're always on our phones. So it's just really important to kind of have that one-on-one time as much as humanly possible. I appreciate you might have other children as well, but they can just be little snippets of 10 minutes here and there of one-on-one time without phones and TVs, like really on the floor playing, you know, a bit of kind of rough and tumble if that's what they're into, or coloring, whatever they enjoy. But eye contact, touching, you know, you are your child's world, and that is just so meaningful for them to kind of have all that attention. Um, And the other thing we often find is that, and myself included sometimes, is that I rush through the bedtime routine because I'm exhausted. It's the end of the day, you know, you just want to get downstairs and have a glass of wine or put the telly on or whatever it might be. And our toddlers can feel that from us, you know, they can feel our feelings, they can sense that. And so if you're able to just slow down the bedtime routine a little bit, sometimes even, you know, maybe take the bath out or you know, take a step out just to allow yourself a bit more time so you don't feel rushed and then your toddler doesn't feel rushed and they'll feel more listened to. And also it's that connection as well, that connection. You'll be able to kind of have it a bit more rather than just going through the steps.

So the connection, because some parents say, you know, they go to sleep okay, but they wake in the night. So even missing out a bit on that connection can cause them to wake in the night.

Yeah, absolutely. You know, they might just want to cuddle, or, you know, just to say something random, I remember once my, you know, boy was like, oh, my pillow is not comfortable. It's the same pillow he slept on for, for ages, but it's, you know, it's something. It's a long period of time that they're going without you, so it's not— we all wake in the night and through our sleep cycles, but it's kind of, you know, them being— having their love bucket full that they don't feel they need to come and get you in the night in order to go back to sleep. And then the second Part of that as well as I want to touch on is the control side. So none of us like not having any control over anything and just kind of being told what we're doing. So it's really important as well just to weave in through not just bedtime but through the whole day. And I'm sure you do— do you want the pink plate or the blue plate? And but just really kind of give your toddler some control and some options over things so they feel Yeah, they feel like they're in control and that can really, you know, really, really help.

Brilliant. That's fantastic. So that was so helpful. And so now I'm on to the third thing, which is about consistency. And I know that, you know, we talk about, both talk about consistency in, in so many, so many different ways and so many different levels. But I think if it was sort of a bit like my first point about getting our values aligned is that if we. Sing off the same song sheet, if we do things the same, you know, and, and if one of us— so for example, a client of mine was saying that her mother used to come and stay a lot. So it's not just about parents, it's also about anyone else that cares for the children. And she would, when her little girl woke in the night and screamed, she'd offer her the iPad. And she had to just agree with her mother that, you know, no, I'm not going to we're not going to give the iPad in the night. The same between parents, you know, if we've agreed that we're going to take the child consistently back to bed, even when we're so exhausted and it's so easy to just, you know, bring them in our bed, but then that can cause— I always say to parents, you've got to decide if you like, if it's okay with you, fine. But if it isn't, be consistent about it. So, you know, I'll often say consistency is the key and particularly when dealing with nighttime wakings. Or really anything to do with bedtime, or actually anything to do with our children. But yeah, particularly when we're dealing with those nighttime wakings. So over to you, Gemma, on the fourth point, which is reinforced waking. So tell us about reinforced waking and what we do about it.

So yeah, so it's kind of like, you know, linked into what you were talking about in terms of consistency and So by what I mean by reinforced waking is, are we as parents or caregivers, you know, giving our child a reason to wake? When they wake up, are they getting the iPad? Are they getting some milk when we know that, you know, from a kind of calorie perspective, they don't need it? Are we, yeah, taking them into our bed for a cuddle? Are we going into the spare room with them? It's all those kind of things that could possibly— they wake up for and they're getting like, oh, this is this is fun, this is nice, you know, if I wake up I get this. And as you said, Camilla, like, if families want to co-sleep and whatever, you know, that is totally fine. You know, my kind of mantra is like, if it's not a problem for you, then it's not a problem at all. You know, you do absolutely what works for you. But if it is starting to become a problem, then we just have to be conscious about how we are reacting to that wake. You know, what are we doing? What steps are we taking in terms of— and to be consistent if you have a partner with you as well, in terms of you're both on the same page so the little one knows where they stand. Consistency, yeah, I use it all the time, and boundaries are so, so important that when little one wakes, they know exactly what's going to happen, so to speak. So this, I work with my one-on-one clients a lot with this and with toddler sleep. It can take a while to change with consistency, but you can get there. And there's different methods that I use, as you kind of touched on, whether that's taking them straight back to their bed, you know, taking them back staying with them, and then we work on a phased approach. So if you don't actually want to stay with them forever, then, you know, a phased approach to get you out, and then in turn they will stop waking. But yes, absolutely, we kind of need to look in the mirror and see what we're doing. It'd be kind of impacting those wakes for sure.

Yeah. And it's interesting, do you feel it's like almost that we've got to break through that pain barrier? Because, you know, if the child is screaming for the milk, isn't it tempting to just give them the milk?

Absolutely.

And yet we know that that is— I mean, would you say that it's part of the reason they're waking, even if it's at an unconscious level?

100%, it becomes habitual, you know, like straight habits can form, like with our little people, even after a couple of times, even after one night, maybe they're in your bed and then you, you know, they wake up the next night and they ask to come in. You know, I certainly had that when my youngest has been unwell.

Yeah.

And, you know, he's kind of coming with us and then he's better and he still wants to come in with us. So we kind of have to hold those loving boundaries too, because that's where we want him in, you know, his own cot. So yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

And it's that, you know, I hate that— I don't necessarily hate that expression, but it's— it is no pain, no gain. It is.

And it is so hard, like you said, like if they're screaming and, you know, wanting the milk and totally like it is hard. It's the middle of the night, you're exhausted, everyone's tired. You know, that just— but kind of to a similar vein, that maybe when they were younger and, you know, you knew they didn't need the milk, or they were kind of dropping night feeds, or you were, you know, enabling them to self-settle. I always try and, you know, tell parents, remind yourself why you're doing this. I even sometimes say, like, put Post-it notes up, like, around. Yes, just to remind yourself why you're doing this. And it will, with consistency, 100% will pay off. But yeah, of course, I'm not saying it's easy. Absolutely.

We've all been there, you know, and there is that. I mean, if you're terrified that they're going to wake their sibling, what would that say to you?

So my white noise is my— I know it's not going to, you know, but white noise, I absolutely love. My boys still sleep with it, just, you know, they don't really need it, but in case one of them wakes up, I have it on. So, so that can just be really, really good. And also, I would say I've worked with many families with siblings. Obviously, we can't say they're never going to wake up, but actually they can they can sleep through a lot of things, like even if they're sharing the same, the same room. And often when we work with families with siblings and if they are sharing the same room while we're kind of going through this process, we can see if like the other sibling, there's a spare room or something that the other sibling can sleep in for a little bit, or we take out the sibling that is waking and put them in a separate room if that's possible, and then sort sleep out and put them, put them back in together. But yeah, white noise, 100%.

Okay, that's a great— so we've, we've talked through getting our values aligned, we've talked through the idea that they are craving attention in, in some way, we talk through consistency, we talk through reinforced waking. So the fifth way that you would help a family dealing with a child that's waking in the night?

So again, it kind of comes to consistency, but in terms of their daytime routine and their bedtime routine, and I know routine can— some people just really don't like the word, and I totally appreciate that. It doesn't mean has to be bang on at this time everything happens, but it's, it's a, it's a sequence of events that, that happen to let your little one know that it's time for sleep. So a consistent bedtime routine every single night, doing the same thing, and you can have fun with it. Like I talk about, you know, my Instagram, there are still, you know, there are some sensory needs sometimes that kids need at the end of the day, or a bit of fun to get out, like you can have a bit of fun at bedtime, but on the whole, make it consistent. Keep your boundaries firm. I know obviously toddlers love to push, and that's their job, and, you know, to see how far they can go. And our job is to kind of hold them firm, like in a loving way. You know, if they're asking for some more books, you know, say we only do 2 books, we can read another one in the morning. So, and the older your toddler gets, you can actually kind of work out your bedtime routine with them. So they feel involved.

They feel— exactly, yeah, I love that. It's something I definitely advise them tell you the steps that they want you to go through before they have to go to bed.

Exactly. Okay, and you can get, obviously, as you know, you know, charts. I've got a guide actually on my website, a toddler and like cot to bed transition sleep guide, you know, and you can have a routine there that the little one can say, 'We completed that,' reward charts and all things like that can be really useful. But Kind of going back to the— so yes, the consistency of the routine. And in the daytime, so are they napping? Are they not napping? Kind of their awake window, so the amount of time that they can be awake in between sleeps, is that kind of age appropriate so they're not going to bed too overtired? Or because as we know, the overtiredness creates a rise in cortisol, which is more likely to kind of lead to nighttime wake. So yeah, so I would just kind of have a look at their day as a whole and just kind of make sure it's, you know, kind of mapped out appropriately in terms of if they're napping or not.

Interesting, because I know I found this and my clients find this, that children actually thrive on knowing. My son was just so excited when we properly sat down and, you know, mapped out what he needed to do and what the bedtime routine was. And we think it's sort of imposing rather nasty, strict rules and discipline, but actually they thrive with, with the, yeah, I mean, we keep saying this, consistency, but also it just gives them security when they know where they stand and what's next. And perhaps they also need that sense of control. So if they have told us that they want, you know, 2 stories, a squeezy hug, and then a certain way of saying goodnight, then we need to stick with that. And they feel, you know, that, that's what I told my mummy or daddy I needed to do. So yeah, I think that's, that's really nice. And just about, just a little something about that sleep window, because I, it's something I actually wasn't, my youngest was, she wasn't that she worked so much in the night, but she was very, very difficult to get to bed. And I just didn't realize she needed to go to bed earlier. So just talk to her about that a tiny bit.

Yeah, absolutely. So kind of depending on how old your toddler is, but if they're kind of over 18 months, they're probably on one nap a day, kind of in the middle of, middle of their day. So just to balance that awake time they have from waking and then having a nap, and then from nap and bedtime. So we don't want it to be too long, you know, probably around 4-5 hours, kind of around that age, I would say, is what I see a lot of time with my clients is I say just try and bring bedtime a little bit earlier. This can also be for early waking as well, which I know can be a big, a big problem for some people. So just bringing that slightly earlier, I know it sounds counterintuitive, but yeah, often that kind of wired mentality and, you know, they won't sit still, they won't go to bed. And so yeah, if you bring bedtime a little bit forward. And then on the, you know, on the same vein, there is undertiredness as well. So if they're napping, you know, for kind of 3 hours in the daytime, for example. I mean, some kids will be fine with that, but we just, we want to make sure that, you know, they're not waking in the night because they've had enough sleep, or they're waking at 5 AM because they've actually had their quota. We want to look at sleep over a 24-hour period.

Yeah, but the cortisol thing is something really interesting that I, I hadn't appreciated. And I think my daughter dropped her naps by this point, but I think that she, because she was the youngest and she was sort of going to bed more in accordance with her siblings, what she actually needed is to go to bed at like 6 45, and it just wouldn't have occurred to me to put her to bed that early because I just thought she was so wired. Yeah, so it's hard when you have—

absolutely, when you have siblings like we have that. I've got a, you know, my 2-and-a-half-year-old still naps, um, so he can go to bed at the same time as, you know, my 4-year-old. But I'm very conscious that, you know, he'll drop his nap in the next kind of 6 months. Um, and that to say, so when toddlers drop their nap, whether, you know, that's 2, 3, 3 and a half, um, they will need an earlier bedtime because they haven't had that nap to stop their sleep, sleep pressure. So 100%.

And they won't always show it. No. Tired. That's the thing.

Exactly. So another thing to add is the self-settling part. So I know we talk about it a lot with baby sleep, but it's just as kind of important in toddler sleep as well. So that's how is your toddler falling asleep at the beginning of the night? Are they able to do that independently? Are they— are you staying with them, or they kind of got a sleep association? There might be a dummy that could come out in the night, and maybe they want you to go and put it back in. But it can be that if you're there with them at the beginning of the night, of course there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but if you're kind of stroking them or holding their hand and wanting to stay with them, it's hard for us not to expect them to kind of, when they wake in the night, that you're not, you're not there anymore. And then so they might need you to, to get back to sleep. So yeah, so it's just a good kind of point in terms of like the reinforced waking as well. Not everyone's ready to work on self-settling, and that's of course absolutely fine, but I think it's just kind of being realistic and understanding the reasons potentially behind the waking as well.

Right, that's so interesting. So, so they, they fall asleep with us there, holding their hand, stroking their head, and they wake in the night and they don't know how to get back to sleep without us there.

Exactly. Exactly. So that's definitely, you know, something to look at if, if that's what, what you're experiencing. And in terms of how we do that, again, as I kind of mentioned about going into your bed and bringing the back to bed or different methods, there's kind of different methods that we can work with kind of one-on-one to get a bespoke plan for you. But basically, yeah, it's either kind of leaving the room and doing kind of an interval method or one that we stay with them and gently support them to get to sleep and then we move We move away from that so they can do it independently.

Brilliant. Okay. I got that. Thanks.

Great.

Okay. So before we come on to the question of the week, tell us how we get hold of you.

Yeah, absolutely. So as you said, yeah, my, my name is The Mindful Sleep Coach. So on Instagram, I'm @themindfulsleepcoach. So you can head over there. There's lots of free advice, lots of tips and tricks and things to help you there. And then, yeah, in my bio, you can see links to, uh, link to my website. I have a free early waking guide actually on my website. If that's something that you're kind of struggling with at the moment. And as I mentioned, yeah, just before, I've got kind of a cot-to-bed transition and a toddler sleep guide there as well, if that's—

Brilliant. Absolutely tons. So, and if anyone wants to get hold of me, also on Instagram @myparentingsolutions. And I have a very popular guide, How to Get Your Kids to Listen Without Ever Needing to Nag, Shout, or Threaten. So you just need to go to my website, myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten. Listen to grab that very popular and on all accounts very useful guide. So we want to know the answer to the question of the week: what if they will only have one parent? How do we deal with it if only one parent can put them to bed or see to them in the night? And Gemma, what would you say to that?

So it's, it's a question that's very dear to my heart because I've kind of been through that a lot with my two boys being very daddy, daddy, I'm kind of wanting daddy a lot of the time. And so yeah, done a lot of work on this. So I would kind of say, as much as humanly possible, the rejected parent as such, try not to show that you are upset about it. If you are, I mean, there's no reason— it's not on purpose, they're not trying to hurt you. It's kind of a toddler exerting their control. So yeah, it's not personal. If you can, try and not let it show that you're upset by it, because that can kind of— the toddler might be a bit like, oh gosh, have I done something wrong? You 100% hold your boundaries. If they're screaming for mummy in the night and daddy goes down, I appreciate it's really, really hard. Empathize. I know you want mummy, you know, mummy's sleeping. Or I know you want mummy, mummy can give you a big cuddle tomorrow. Totally empathize with their feelings so they feel heard and listened to. And it's totally fine for you to, you know, kind of hold that boundary if you want to get them back to sleep. It might take a bit longer, it might not. Or on the, I think it's a total personal, personal preference really. If, or if they want to then get mommy to put them down or get them back to sleep, then that's the family decision. But I think like number one, it's not personal and I appreciate it's exhausting for both parents. But yeah, whether you want to, if you want to hold that boundary, then that is totally fine.

Yeah. And I think my clients will often say because they, the child is just so discombobulated in the night. Often say, you know, mommy goes and then they scream for daddy and then daddy goes for mommy. And, and again, it comes back to the, what we talked about at the beginning, that consistency. You've got to see it through if, you know, because it's just, it's not good for them to be this mini dictator, the sort of flip-flopping, you know, and they're in charge. And it's something I tell people all the time. We don't have to be, you know, you and I are so aligned. We don't have to be in charge by being authoritarian. We don't have to be in charge by getting angry or shouting at them or belittling them, but we can be in charge in a mindful way, in a way that respects them but holds that boundary and says, it's, you know, it's Daddy here and I'm staying. And again, that going through that pain barrier. Yes, exactly. And so often, you know, we'll see it in other things that we do in life. You know, if we want to go for a run, a marathon, we have to break through.

Yeah.

And I'll often say to parents, you know, and I'm sure you feel this, Gemma, like reaching— if we get trained in everything else in our life, or we'll get a coach or support for anything, dancing, singing, swimming, public speaking. Yeah. But the role that I think is the most difficult and the most important, raising a child. We expect to just be able to go do it ourselves. And, and my big megaphone is, you know, why should we? Why don't— why not get support? And that support to go through that pain barrier, you know, from help with, with, with someone like you on the sleep, help with someone like me with a whole range of parenting issues. It's just, it makes it so much quicker and easier.

It does, absolutely. And, you know, it's okay to ask for help, as you say. We're prepped on so many other things and Parenting is one of the hardest things I've ever done. So absolutely, you can ask for help.

Brilliant. Well, that's all there is for today. Thank you so much for joining us on Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Please tell your friends, please hit follow or subscribe and give us a review as well. That would be nice. And again, Gemma, thank you so much. The Mindful Sleep Coach, Gemma Davies. It's been an absolute pleasure talking to you.

Thank you. Thanks, Camilla.