The 3 Secrets to Managing Tantrums and Challenging Behaviour October 10th 2021

Well, it is dead on time, and I'm very, very thrilled to have you join me on this masterclass to learn and discover the 3 secrets to managing tantrums and challenging behaviour. We will be here together for just over an hour. I practice this masterclass, and I try and keep it within the hour, and what with getting questions and comments It usually goes fractionally over, but if you just think about this, this is a fantastic time for you to learn. And yeah, so, so that, that's the plan. And here's the goal of our time together. The goal of our time together is for me to have a conversation with you showing you how to connect with your child and manage challenging behaviour whilst holding the boundaries. And I'm going to give you lots of examples of that, and I'm also— I will be asking you to comment in the chat box because that's a great way for me to hear what's going on for you, for others to hear, and to keep you alert and involved. So take the time out. I don't know if some of you may be watching on your phones. If you are, that would be helpful to know. It's just always nice to know whether people are on, so just write phone or laptop. In the chat box. If you are on a phone, it's down the bottom, little chat thing. And, um, but, but switch off your alerts, switch off the, the volume, uh, sorry, the, you know, the, the call volume, and, um, maybe put it to airplane mode just so you can have time with me. And I want you to know that this is for you. This, um, presentation is for you if you are open to new ideas. Isn't it true, that old saying, that, um, You know, how's it go? If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll always get the result that you've always got. I haven't said that very fluently, but I think you know what I'm talking about. And this is about being open to new ideas. So let's get straight in and hear who's having these kind of challenges. Who's having the kind of challenges that your children won't listen to you? I think this is probably the number one complaint that I have from parents is that children won't, their child does, doesn't listen. It's incredibly frustrating. So if that's you and you've just joined, a big welcome. But if that's you, that you're having this struggle, your child won't listen to you, give me a listen in the chat box. What about saying no, just refusing to do things, just an outright no? Get your shoes on? No. Maybe they're having unpredictable tantrums and meltdowns and you just feel quite stuck. You don't know how to deal with it. And perhaps, you know, like I was when I came into parenting, I'm going to tell you a bit more, I'd go round and round. So, you know, the unpredictability of it. Yeah, so we've got some nos, some unpredictability. Lovely to hear, thank you. I was going to say great, I know it's not great. What about this? You're getting some rudeness, maybe some attitude. Some people describe this as suddenly their child turns into a teenager. 'Why should I?' 'You can't make me.' Those kind of things. Maybe you're getting some hitting or aggression, some screaming or yelling, or just downright digging their heels in. If anybody's got that, just tell us what it is in the chat box. Maybe your child is being labeled as the bad one. Maybe you find yourself saying to your child a lot, 'You're a bad girl,' or, 'A bad boy,' or, 'That's naughty.' Maybe you're finding in other situations, perhaps in a nursery or school environment, other children have labeled your child as the bad or the naughty one. Does anybody have that? And so somebody's saying, saying no most of the time, yeah. Anybody have that, the bad or the naughty one? And perhaps you've got one child who's very easy and another child who's very difficult. Maybe that's your situation. Who feels like this? The megaphone. I know that I, Started off parenting with a child, well, how I got into parenting was when my 2.5-year-old was being very, very challenging. I'm going to tell you about the ages of my children shortly, but I felt like I'd start off calm and say something calmly, and then I'd wind up in a shout. And when I meet parents now in the work that I do, this is the thing that they find the hardest. They wind up shouting and then it'll have one of two effects. Either you find your child shouts back, or it really upsets them and then you feel guilty about it, and then they still don't do what you've asked. Is anybody having that? Just feeling like they're yelling or shouting or repeating themselves just far too more than they would really like to? So give us, tell us about that in the chat box. It's wonderful that so many of you are engaging in this because it's great for others to see. And what about this? Would you like to avoid the battles? Would you like to get your child to listen to you easily without having to raise your voice, without having to make a threat? Would you like them to— and usually when we say listen, what we really mean is do what we've asked. So who would like that? Just avoid the battles and listen to you. And again, tell us about that. If that's you, just say yes, this is me, yes. Okay. And what about getting more joy from your child? Give me a joy in the chat box, because let's face it, I know that you didn't have children in order to have them, you know, in order to shout at them, in order to nag at them, in order to get cross with them or tell them off. You had children because you wanted the joy, and I know that you do have joy. With your child. But I suspect you'd like to have more joy. So we've got lots of people saying that. It's a lonely job, and it can be very, very hard when, when your child is, is being challenging, maybe having these meltdowns, and you're missing the joy. I certainly know that that's where I was many years ago. And who'd like to understand them better? Children are complex little creatures, aren't they? So who would like to understand their child better? So maybe stick that in the chat box, and thank you so much for joining in that chat box. So here's what I want to talk to you through tonight about: the idea that being a compassionate parent is the most effective way to build deep connection and have a harmonious relationship with your child. And I'm going to illustrate that in many different ways as we move through this masterclass, again getting you involved as much as, as I can. So being a compassionate parent is the most effective way to build deep connection and have a harmonious relationship with your child. How does that sound to you? If that sounds good to you, give me a yes in the chat box and stay with me because then we're on the same wavelength. Then you know that that's what I'm about. Great. So Camilla, you've had numerous emails from me. I'm sorry if it felt like I was bombarding you. I'm so keen to make sure you arrive, and I know personally I do need lots of reminders about things to make sure that I turn up. So I'm passionate and compassionate and passionate about parenting. You probably gathered that. Does anybody follow me on Instagram? I know some of you do. Maybe just write Insta down there, because you can probably see from that and from the IGTVs that I do, the interviews, that I'm really passionate about this subject. And it is such an honor for me to help and work with parents. And I've been doing this for a long time, for actually just over 20 years. I've worked with thousands of parents. I've worked with parents in very, very raising children in extremely challenging situations, living in hostels, living in safe houses. I've worked with parents in incredibly privileged lifestyles and people in between. And you know, the really interesting thing is, is that the issues are the same. I remember working with some very privileged parents one Christmastime and some very underprivileged parents, and they were all getting stressed about Christmas. And you know, that kind of wanting the best for their child, wanting to do it all right. And it's, you know, You know, we are very hard on ourselves. I know that you have so much going on. I know that you've got the emails to respond to, you've got the lunches to pack, you've got to make sure that you've replied to make sure that your child's signed up for a trip, you've got shopping to buy, meals to cook, washing to do. It's really hard. And I'm very much there with you because I know how hard it is. And I also know how incredibly rewarding it is. And I'm a mother of 4. And what joy that's brought me, and also how many tears I've shed, tears of frustration and tears of anxiety and sometimes some guilt over being a parent. So here's my family. I have two boys who are there on the left, are very little. Nico, the eldest one, and Felix, the next one down, number two. And then I have Scarlett, who's my third, and Alice is my forth. And now there they are on the right. They range between the ages of 16 and 23. Makes me feel so old, and it's gone so fast. And people used to say that to me when I had small children and was tearing my hair out, and they go, it goes so fast, enjoy it while, while it lasts. And of course you do want to enjoy it, but as you've already said, sometimes that joy is missing. And tonight is about— our goal is to show you how to get more joy, how to bring it back, and how to be a more confident parent. So what's unique about me is that I believe in parenting with compassion, I've already said that, with firm boundaries and tough love. And sometimes that tough love means that they're going to say, I don't like you, or I hate you, or it's not fair. And we can feel guilty, but if we know, if we're confident in our parenting, we know that that tough love is sometimes really necessary. But I'm going to show you that you don't have to do it by being a sergeant major and shouting. It can be done in a compassionate, firm way. So stick around here more. This is about action. I hope you've been able to print out your workbook. I know one or two of the links, I'm sorry, were incorrect. The very last link was correct, but it's possible you didn't get it. If you haven't been able to print it out, then just grab a little piece of paper, grab a notepad, because I want you to remember things, write down. And the idea is that you take action. So I want to talk to you about what I label the stressed-out parent. A stressed-out parent, I mean, let's face it, it's very easy to get stressed by parenting, but there are ways to reduce it. But I'm just going to tell you kind of elements that I mean. And like, if you're still with me, just give me a yes in the chat box or I'm here. So self-doubt. That kind of like, am I getting this right? Sometimes full of guilt. Should I, shouldn't I? Oh God, you know, other parents are doing more. My child isn't reading properly yet. Should I be doing more stimulation? Should I be playing? All that kind of guilt. Yeah, people are saying yes. Sometimes feeling like a doormat. I know that when I first got help with my parenting, That's definitely— I felt like I had mug written over my, my forehead. I felt like I was this slave to my child. Exhausted. Who's here is exhausted? I know that being woken in the night and, and running around after small children is exhausting, but there's also an emotional exhaustion, especially when they're being challenging. There's the physical exhaustion and there's that mental exhaustion. What am I doing? Am I doing this right? Getting into battles is also exhausting because, you know, it's draining, just that feeling of frustration. Again, that emotional exhaustion from feeling frustrated, finding that you're shouting and when you really don't want to shout, and you want to be better but not knowing how. So here's the confident parent, and again, this is the goal of our conversation, is to show you how to become a more confident parent. Connected with your child, really that kind of mindful connection. So you really get them, you know them, and you understand them more. And there will definitely be times when you do, but there will be times when you'll be flummoxed by them. But that confident parent is just so much more connected, in charge, as opposed to being that doormat, the captain of the ship. So there's a wonderful parenting expert called Susan Stifelman and she describes it as being the captain of the ship. And the captain of the ship knows where he or she is going. The captain of the ship has to make tough decisions, and sometimes at the risk of being unpopular, but they're steering that ship safely. And that's, you know, that's what this is about for us. Assertive, just, you know, being clear and assertive, not shouty and aggressive and nor passive, but that kind of lovely middle ground. Mutual respect. A confident parent knows how to gain respect of their child, and they know how to get their child to respect them more. And that's something that comes up a lot, is that parents say— does anybody here have that feeling, my child doesn't respect me? Maybe just write lack of respect in the chat box. Resolving or avoiding conflict. How would it be to just, you know, know that you don't need to have conflict? Or if there is conflict rising, you can resolve it really quickly because you've got the process and you've got the tools to do that. Staying calm, no need to shout. How would that be? Just that ability. And believe me, it isn't about an innate nature. It isn't about being calm by, by nature. It's about knowing how to stay calm and doing, feeling, you know, when you're feeling in charge, it helps you feel So it helps you stay calm. And a confident parent has fun and is just— and is joyful. Of course you're going to have stresses. This isn't about perfection, but it's just about, you know, when all these other things are in place, it allows you to have more fun. So how does that sound? Tell me how that sounds. Does that sound good? Just give me a good in the chat box. I want to tell you about what we know in our family now as that fateful holiday. So it's June 2000, it's half term in June 2005. We have 4 small children, we're pretty exhausted, and some friends of ours invited us away on holiday to stay in their house in France. We thought that would be good, thought that sounded nice. It just so wasn't. We'd not long arrived there when Felix, look at him there. So he was our second child. So our children at this point were baby Alice, a few months old, Scarlett's a toddler, Felix is 4 rising 5, and Nico's 7. Look at him there. It looks like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. I don't know if you find that sometimes with your children. They look so angelic, but they're just not. And the sad thing is, is that I— he was such a sweet little boy. He could be so funny and loving and affectionate, but on this holiday it was like he sprouted horns. And how that manifested was that he was so difficult with the other children and our friends. He would be a bad sport. They played a game, a bat and ball game, and if he didn't win or he missed, he'd throw the bat down. They had a little paddling pool, he'd push children in there, children particularly a bit less so, his sisters, but he was totally capable of it. He pushed them in the paddling pool or he'd get in the paddling pool himself and he wouldn't let other children in. When it came to mealtimes, he'd either refuse to come to the table or he'd say he didn't like it and he wasn't going to eat it and then he might jump down. It was really excruciating for us. I was already working in parent education and so it felt doubly difficult for me. And we just felt we went round and round in circles, getting cross with him, trying to kind of what we felt were making excuses for him. And it was just miserable. So one day we went to the beach, and I found this picture recently. And, you know, look at him, look at him there on the left. He just looks so miserable. But how we saw it was that he was just being difficult. And You can see who my children are, and mine are the ones with the dark hair. But so what happened, this is just before we got back in the car. On the way to the beach, Felix had sat in the middle row of this car that we had, and that was the favored row. They could sort of see better out the window, and it was the row that they liked. But on the way back, he had to swap with his brother Nico, and he had to go in the back. So we left the beach, and we were coming towards the car, And our friends had already got there. They were parked right next to us, and our friends had got their kids strapped in. And I said to Paula, just go ahead and see if you can get the others strapped in, and I'll bring him, I'll bring him behind. And as we're getting towards the car, he starts to shout, I'm going in the middle row. So I started to explain, no, you know you're not, Felix. Yes, I am. You get off me. He can't go in the middle row. It's my turn. I'm going there and I'm starting to, you know, I knew that our friends were listening to us and I'm starting, my heartbeat's starting to get faster and he's wriggling and trying to pull away and trying to run towards the car to get in this middle seat, which I knew that, you know, I didn't want him to do. And as we're getting closer, Paula by this point managed to strap them in and he starts, I tried to get him in the car and he's kicking away, he's kicking his feet against the side of the car and he's shouting at me, and as they say, I'm being listened to. My head's starting to pound and I'm sweating, and I was just getting nowhere with him. So then I start to make threats, or I start, you know, Felix, right, that's it, when we get back you can't watch television. No impact whatsoever. Then I turned to some humiliation tactics, some shaming. They're watching you, the other children, look at, they're all, everyone else is strapped in and you're embarrassing yourself. Absolutely no impact. Then I tried a bit of bribe. I've got some sweets, sit in your seat and I'll give you them. Nothing. Still screaming, still shouting. And then I just thought, I knew, I knew about this, but it's so hard to access when you're being challenged like this. I just thought to myself, this isn't about the car seat. And I knew that I needed to move them away. So I took this bundle of, you know, arms and legs flailing away from the car, and I sat at the edge of the dusty car park, and I held him as best as I could in my arms, and he's still screaming and shouting, and he's bucking his, you know, that kind of bucking bronco movement that they do, and I'm trying to hold him, and I knew what I needed to say, and I said, Felix, I love you. I love you so much. Because I knew at that moment he hated himself. I said, we all really love you and it's going to be okay. He started to calm down a little bit, but he's still screaming and I'm still aware and feeling embarrassed that our friends could hear it. But I knew that I needed to just be with him. So I just said, you know, it's, it's okay. But I think, and then I, you know, he started to go, I said, but something else is upsetting you, Felix. And he suddenly said, they tease me, Mummy. And I said, do they, darling? And I was thinking, you know, they probably tease you because you're a pain. But I just said, do they, darling? And he then, he started to cry and he said, they tease me about my pull-up. And he was 4 rising 5, was still wearing a pull-up at night. It happens, you know, some children are earlier and some children are later. But they weren't wearing pull-ups and they caught on to it. And Felix was a very reactive child and it was like pulling the tail of the tiger to tease him. And they knew that they'd get a reaction from it. And, and it was all behind our back. We didn't know this was going on. And that was what was behind this massive tantrum. And I really learned so much there and wasn't the last tantrum he had. I just learned so much more about dealing with children and dealing with those challenges. I got him back in the car. Did I make Nico come out of the back seat— and sorry, middle seat? No. Felix got in the back seat, I strapped him in, and I sat down like drenched in sweat. And my husband said, what do you think they think of us? And I said, you know what, he will always be our child. They may not always be our friends, and we've got to do what's best for our child, no matter what they think. And I don't know if that resonates for you, but having had experiences, you know, out and about with your children, or maybe, you know, observed by other parents or observed by grandparents, and just thinking, you know, doing what they expect you to do. So I'm going to tell you a bit later about what— how Felix turned out, but I'd like to hear from you. What you related to in that story, what resonated for you as you heard me tell that. Just, it'd be so helpful to know, just stick it in the chat box. What did you relate to? Was it that feeling of being observed and being judged? Was it that feeling of misjudging your child or misunderstanding the behaviour that was presenting itself? Maybe there's something there that resonated. And just as you're popping things in the chat box, just imagine what it would be like to be a compassionate parent with consistent and firm boundaries. And look at this little seedling. We are about raising children for life. This isn't just about getting them to get their shoes on and, you know, whether or not we shout at them. It's about really thinking the long game and thinking what we need to do when a child is young in order for them to flourish and grow into a beautiful oak tree. So feeling pressure to react in a certain way in front of others, people are saying, and being judged by others. Absolutely. And it's so hard. So what I'd like you to do is bring to mind a stressful situation that you frequently encounter. Maybe stick it in the chat box. Take, you know, what kind, something that you frequently encounter. Maybe it is just random tantrums, but maybe it's, you know, tantrums around certain things, leaving the park, getting your child to get dressed, leaving the house in the mornings, switching the television off, eating a meal, those kind of things. So just maybe, maybe somebody would like to tell me, some of you would like to tell me in the chat box what your hotspots are. Because I'm going to just demonstrate, and if you've got that little workbook, pull it out now and you'll see that you've got the compassion-cooperation matrix in there. So we've got some general grumpiness. Might it be after, you know, waking up in the morning, eating a meal without having to 'Eating a meal without having to resort to TV to calm our son.' Okay, great. So let's think of that, and some of you may have some more, whatever your area is when you feel like it's a hotspot and you wind up having arguments with them, or they dig their heels in and just don't do what you've asked. You know, it's this thing about you just feel that they're not listening to you. Okay, so let's have a look at this matrix. Along the bottom, you've got your connection your connection, kind of really getting them, really getting where they are, what they're about, and being kind of present and mindful to them. And your levels of compassion, just sort of feeling very emotionally connected to them. So, and then along the side you've got kids' levels of cooperation, you know, willingly doing what we've asked. So let's think about a meal. Running off, somebody said, in the park, in the playground, listening, not ignoring us. Okay, so when we— let's just come back to the meal as an example. So when we're feeling perhaps distracted, perhaps we've got a lot else going on, maybe we're feeling kind of stressed, our connection or compassion for our child will be on the low end of the scale. And if let's look at quadrant 1, okay, so very often what's happening then is they're ignoring us. They're not cooperating, they're ignoring us, and we're nagging and we're shouting and we're getting, and perhaps resorting to some hollow threats. Right, that's it, there's no TV when we get back, or I'm going to throw your meal away, or you're not gonna, I'm gonna get rid of your toys, or we make kind of, you know, you're not going to the party. We might make some hollow threats, things that we just know we're not going to follow through on. And we may reach that shout, just get your shoes on, or get over here, or or those kind of shouts, but they're actually still not cooperating. So that's quadrant 1. Quadrant 2, you may get their cooperation, you may force their shoes on, you may grab them and stuff them in the buggy when you want to leave the park. You can't make a child eat, but it may be by using some form of fear you can get them to eat what's on their plate. But the problem with that is your connection and your compassion for your child is low, and you're using force and fear to get cooperation. So if we take the example of Felix, I could have just stuffed him in the car seat. I could have used brute force. It would have been awful, but I could have done it. I could have driven off and left him there, and you know that I would have driven back clearly and the fear would have made him get in the car seat, but I'd never have found out what was about, what his tantrum was about. That was an extreme, but you know, you can use force to get them into the buggy and then they feel resentful, and we don't want that. You can grab their hand out of the park, but the connection is low and the resentment, and then it doesn't help for next time. So let's have a look at quadrant 3, and we'll often be in all of these. So that's soft and giving in. So, you know, as a mealtime perhaps, that might be they've said they don't want the pasta that you've presented, and you say, okay, I'll make you something else, I'll make you some chicken nuggets, or I'll make you a sandwich. And I'm not saying if that's the way you want to do it, that's fine, but If you're trying to stay firm and then just give in from the nagging and the repeating themselves, or perhaps the rudeness, and you might feel that your compassion is high, but actually their levels of cooperation are low. And also know this, that it's confusing for your child when we give in repeatedly. It's very confusing for them because who needs to be the captain of the ship? Tell me that. Who needs to be the captain of the ship? It's us. And children need us to be in charge, but we don't have to do it by being a shouting sergeant major. So let's have a look at quadrant 4, when we've got consistent boundaries and emotional awareness. Do any of you have no problem with bedtime? Because bedtime can easily come up in any of these other quadrants, but sometimes I find that some parents bedtime is okay. They don't have it, or some say mealtimes is actually okay, but bedtime is a nightmare. What you'll find is happening in the quadrant where you're having cooperation and you're connected and you're compassionate for your child is that you will have consistent and firm boundaries around that. Sometimes you've had them and then things change, and that might need some other skills to solve the issues. So yeah, some people are saying bedtime's fine. You'll probably find that you've got an amazing emotional awareness for your child at bedtime. They feel secure, you do the same thing, you know their needs, they respect the boundaries, they respect the rules around bedtime. You may not call them rules, but they respect what has to happen. They listen to you, right? It's pajamas, story, hop into bed. They feel connected and you don't have a problem with it. So I'm not saying that you will always be in the other quadrants, but what I am saying is that when you've got these problems, these issues, these challenges, you'll find that you aren't in quadrant 4. Or even if you're trying to be, you don't quite know how to. So in the hotspot, the things that you were thinking of, those challenging parts, where were you? Where are you? Where do you think you are? Write one of the numbers in, or maybe a combination, because quite often what will happen is that we'll swing between them. We'll, what I call, pendulum parent. So we might, you know, start off with some threats, then they get cross and we say, "Okay, don't worry, I'll buy you the ice cream." And then we'll say, "Right, no, we're leaving and just you get in that buggy," or, you know, "You're getting in the car." So we might flip-flop between the three. So again, think about that, that challenging time, those challenging times with your child. Where might you put yourself? And if you just write that in the chat box, says, yeah, people are saying one, so you just feel hollow, that there's hollow threats and they're ignoring us. And then what was usually happening, so we're just getting more and more wound up. So yeah, or like I say, you might pendulum, other people are saying I've got got some 4s and 3s. Other people are flip-flopping. Okay, how did Felix turn out? So here he is. He's, um, that was taken, I don't know, I think it was a few months ago with our beloved cat Molly. So Felix is 21. He's just left university. And he, um, I believe that if, if there is a God, he in particular of my 4 children— I mean, I've definitely had challenges with all of But I think he was sent to test all the principles that I teach, uh, and all the, all the tools and the processes that I teach. Because, um, you know, he definitely didn't have— we definitely didn't have an easy time, and he didn't have an easy time. But what's amazing now is that, um, how mature he is, how balanced he is, um, how connected he is with us. And not long ago, back in May, he was doing finals, and my husband was playing golf with our oldest son Nico. And Felix knew that I was free that day. It was a bank holiday Monday, and he invited me to go and spend the day with him in Nottingham. And we just had this great connection. I mean, we have it anyway, but it was just lovely to be invited and spend time with this 21-year-old boy. And he told me about his worries about finals. And he asked for my advice about different ways to study. And then he told me that he'd, he'd been eating vegetables and buying, you know, healthy food from, from Morrison's, uh, literally kind of, you know, all the things that I've been talking about. And, you know, it's amazing considering the, the different challenges we had. But I can tell you now that when you get this right from an early age, you reap the benefits when they're older. You really, really do. And I see it with all my 4 children. I have very close loving, really good relationships with them. And I've had very few of the kind of standard awful teenage battles because I've got the skills that I'm talking to you about today. So let's have a look at the first secret. It's what I call the most common mistake. It's misunderstanding and misinterpreting challenging behaviour. So you can write this down: misunderstanding and misinterpreting challenging behaviour. So what do I mean by that? What happens when we misinterpret? So we might think of things as— we might think of a child's behaviour, you know, say they've hurled a toy on the floor, stamped their foot, just, you know, dug their heels in and refused to do something. Shouted that they hate us. We might think that they're rude, they're disrespectful, they're, you know, nasty, bad, unpleasant. All those kind of judgments can easily— selfish— all those kind of judgments can very, very easily come in. But what if they're just incredibly frustrated, finding it difficult to articulate their feelings? What if they're curious? You know, so often they'll do something and we'll think that it's just deliberately being difficult. Often, you know, it's like tipping water out, and we've said, "Don't tip your water out." Sometimes it's just curiosity. Sometimes it's getting attention. And actually, parents think that that's a really bad thing. They'll say it's attention-seeking behaviour. Maybe we're misinterpreting it as attention-seeking behaviour is a bad thing, but actually children are designed to have our attention. They need it. They're little and they need our attention. And this is about how to give them positive attention rather than negative attention. So that's so often, you know, with Felix, I was misinterpreting it as just him being deliberately stubborn, not wanting to get in the car. Actually, he was just a ball of emotions that he hadn't been able to express. And just think of yourself in a situation where maybe you've been shouted at or being judged. Tell me if you're still with me here, so, and if this is making sense. Is this like, you know, is this kind of resonating with you? Just give me a yes in the chat box if this is resonating. So look, just think of yourself in perhaps you are in a job situation where you're not having a good time. Maybe something else is going on and you've got other stresses, but you're really not having a very good time at work. And imagine if your boss had asked you to do something, maybe produce a report, and you hadn't done it. Imagine how you'd feel if you were shouted at. Imagine how you feel if he judged you. "I thought you were up for this. I thought you said you were going to do this for me." 'This was supposed to be done yesterday, why isn't it being done?' You know, that kind of telling off, judging you, and maybe even, you know, shouting at you across the office, 'Why haven't you got me that document? It's 4:30 and you said you'd have it.' How would you feel if that was you? Just tell me in the chat box, how would you feel, how would you respond if you were, and perhaps repeatedly, being told off or judged or shouted at? Yeah, bad. I'm, you know, I'm getting lots of people saying bad. We just— would you want to shape up? Would you want to do your best to please that person? Maybe, but you'd definitely feel resentful. And you definitely wouldn't have a kind of you know, that openness and that connection with your boss. And you were probably more likely to fluff other things because you don't feel you can be yourself properly. Embarrassed, someone said. Defensive, absolutely. And I want to tell you about Renata and Robert. So Renata was a very stressed working mum. Robert had started at a new school, And about, I think about 8 weeks into the new school, things really weren't going well and she was getting a lot of reports from the school that he was being aggressive and difficult. And it had got so bad that he had been banned from going on the school bus. Now the implications, so he was 6, 7 at the time, the implications about not going on the school bus meant that Renata had to cut short her working day to drive him to school and, you know, and then get back and go to work. It was really, really stressful. And what she and her husband had tried— so I'm just moving my mouse, okay— what they tried is threats, taking the iPad away, telling them that, you know, that they were disappointed in him, being just really cross and upset with him. Not again, I can't believe it, you know, what have you been doing? And she, but she knew she needed to have a different approach. So Renata approached me and she came on a course that I'm going to tell you about. So actually, really make sure that you stick around because I want you to hear how you can take this further. We have an hour together and I'm giving you as much as I can, and I also would love you to hear about the possibility of deepening your knowledge and really knowing how to become that compassionate parent in all your different situations. So Roberta learnt— Renata. Renata learnt reflective listening. It's a model that I teach and it is an incredibly powerful way of really getting behind and getting to grips with what children are feeling emotionally that isn't obvious to us, because what's presenting is often challenging behaviour. It's not always, but the emotions you know, anyway, I get sidetracked, sorry. So she learnt reflective listening. Within 2 and a half weeks of Renata accessing this material, Robert came home with the award for the best behaved child at school that week. And she was rung up by the teacher to say he was absolutely fine to go back on the bus. Things can change so fast with children when you approach them in a different way. They really, really can, and that's the joy of this. And here's something, write this down: behaviour improves when we catch the good. Write it down: behaviour improves when we catch the good. Now you might say to me, look, you know, fine, when we're having a nice time, you know, when we're reading a story, you know, my child's all cuddly and snuggly, but you know, you haven't seen them when we're trying to get out the house and they've run off and they've shouted at me and we're late for work. Where is the good there? This is what I teach. I teach you how to, no matter what the situation is, to catch the small amounts of good. And you can, it's amazing how fast you can transform behavior when you know how to do it and you know what to say. So how could you change and get a quick win from that? What you've got so far, how could you change? What could you do? Tell me in the, in the chat box or write it in your notebook too. What could you do to change and get a good quick win? And I'm coming on to secret number 2. So this is the second most common mistake, is being inconsistent with unproven parenting strategies. Being inconsistent with unproven parenting strategies. Now, just so often— so here's what I mean. Being a consistent parent gives you the confidence and gives your kids security. Being a consistent parent gives you confidence and gives your kids security. And, you know, the unproven parenting strategies, they're coming usually from deep imprinting that we have from the way we were parented. We also have different children to how we were and to how our, you know, sometimes they have very different temperaments to our temperament, and we don't know how to adapt how we parent according to that child's temperament. We also, as I say, we're often, you know, parenting without, unconsciously And our parents weren't taught the right, well, strategies that worked for us necessarily. I know that a lot of parents tell me that there's a lot of undoing. I know that, I mean, my parents, bless them, they did the absolute best, but so much of what they said that wasn't helpful came out of my mouth. Has anybody had that? Your mom or your dad coming out of your mouth? It's because it's just unconscious. It's how we're imprinted, and it isn't the best way necessarily of raising our own children. And it's also a very different world, and we know so much more. So I want you to look at this and, and, and look at in, in the center here. I'm just going to move the chat so I can see what's in the center. Okay, so we're looking at being positive and understanding. So positive, that's catching the good. Understanding, that's being empathetic. Connected with our children, really understanding them emotionally. Firm, being that captain of the ship, staying firm on something when we know that that's, you know, we've— that's what we've said and we know that we need to stay firm. Sometimes, you know, parents will have these kind of battles over the screen and then you find that you just— they've shouted and screamed so much for the screen even though you don't you know you don't want to give it to them, you give in. So being firm is about, you know, might be around being firm with the screen or being firm around a bedtime or being firm around some other routine that you want to have, and being consistent. And when you're positive and understanding, firm and consistent, you will in that centre have compassion, connection, and boundaries. Compassion, connection, and boundaries, which is, as I say, what we're talking about today. Becky, a wonderful— Becky's just such a lovely person, lovely mum, and she was just having such challenges with her daughter. So she has a son who is 8 and a daughter of 6. The stuff that I'm talking about is very much applicable to all ages, but normally— be good to know with ages of your children— normally the people that, that come on my masterclasses have children within roughly the age about 18 months to 7, but if you've got an older child, this is just as applicable. Anyway, Becky with her daughter Amy was just having so many morning fights. I mean, just really, you know, the son, older one, was always ready and, you know, doing what she'd ask, but just so many fights with Amy. And she was often late for work. She'd get to work, but Becky teaches fitness, and she'd often be, you know, arrive there just feeling guilty that she'd shouted at Amy and really just not having a good relationship with her. And she learned from the program I'm going to tell you about, about role play, also about reflective listening, and also just different ways to change her routine and get clearer about her, the rules that she needed to have for her family. Just a really, some simple changes but a massively dramatic effect. Look at this little boy, he wants another hot chocolate. What do you do? So, you know, if we were going to come down hard, we might just say, right, no, that's it, I've said no, you're not having it. But we probably don't want to do it like that. So let's think about, you know, we could also judge it. He's spoiled, he's already had one, what's he asking for another? But we could think, you know what, he's disappointed. 'He's only a little boy, he loves his hot chocolate, it was quite a small cup.' And that's where the compassion comes in. But the boundaries come in by sticking with it. You don't— you're not going to buy them another one unless you want to. But, you know, if you've said no, you might— you want to stick with it. So that's where, you know, you can be compassionate about it and stick with the boundaries. And maybe some— a little bit of gentle explanation when he's ready. You can't explain to a child when they're right in the middle of a tantrum, by the way. So what was helpful for you about that? What could you take away? So we're thinking about the mistake that many parents make is being inconsistent with unproven parenting strategies, and we've been talking about how to use compassion— sorry, being positive and understanding being firm and being consistent. And when you're like that, you have compassion and boundaries and connection. So tell me what, what, what was good about that. And we're going to come on to the third secret. So this is the third most common mistake: assuming that you can wing it without training and support. Look, you probably— many of you probably sending your children to some form of childcare. Where, or, you know, maybe it's a childminder, maybe you go to, maybe they're going to a nursery or a preschool, or maybe they're at school, maybe you've got a nanny, or maybe you're going to, you know, maybe they're still at home with you and you know that you're going to send them somewhere. Would you send them to an environment where the person that's in charge of them has had no training? And gets no mentoring or support. Would you do that? We assume that when our children come along that we, we are supposed to know it. We, and as I say, there's so much imprinting that isn't necessarily the best thing. We assume, you know, often with, has, have people here had help with the birth? You know, did you get a little, whether you went to an antenatal class or did something online, learned, you know, talk to the midwife. You certainly would have seen a midwife. You've got help and support pre-birth and possibly after the birth. You might have got some help with breastfeeding or weaning or those kind of things, and most people have accessed something then. And then after that, when you get to those really challenging toddler years and beyond, We assume that we can just wing it without getting any training and support. And like I say, you wouldn't send your child, you wouldn't put your child in the care of somebody that didn't have some form of training and support. You wouldn't take them to see a professional, a doctor, or, you know, some other kind of professional if they hadn't had any training and didn't get, like I say, ongoing mentoring and support. So it's a very common mistake, and I want you to know that children are sponges. So they're sponges for us, they're sponges for the environment around them. Now the good news is they're sponges for the good. I remember going on a journey with my daughter, and she had been brought up with a lot of praise, and it's a very specific form of praise that I teach called descriptive praise. And she'd also had a lot of her feelings had been validated and expressed for her when she couldn't necessarily express them. We went, we were driving somewhere, this is pre-Sat Nav, and I had the A to Z. I was a bit late, I think it was taking her to a party, and I was flustered because I couldn't, didn't know the way. And I had sort of pulled over and looked at the A to Z and, you know, was trying to figure it out. And from the back, this little voice pipes up, "It's really hard, Mummy, when you get lost and you don't know the way." She was being empathetic. Then she said, "But I think you're doing a really good job because we're nearly there, aren't we, Mummy?" You know, this is a little 3-year-old who'd absorbed this. Children, and they don't have to be 3, they absorb it. You know, when you start to change your language and be more positive with them, they are absorbing it. They're also absorbing the negative. Who's had your child come back with the sort of nagging or the threats or the telling off that you've given them? Has anybody had that? You hear your voice come out of their mouth, or you might hear them using it to a younger sibling or even an animal or a toy. Has anybody had that? Yeah. So they're sponges for us. Yes, somebody's saying my 5-year-old does it now. Yeah, so you know, this isn't to make you feel guilty, but the good news is you turn it around and so much more of the good stuff comes out. Kirsty found that the good stuff wasn't coming out of her mouth. She was really, she was on maternity leave with Nina, sorry, with Rory, Nina's baby brother, and instead of keeping Nina at home, which is what she'd planned, She went to the expense of sending Nina into nursery 4 days a week because she just couldn't handle the jealous and demanding behaviour that Nina was displaying. She was every which way, she was pulling at her brother, hitting him, she wouldn't do stuff that Kirsty asked. Her confidence as a mum was really at an all-time low and she was just getting cross. And telling Nina off all the time. And actually, has anybody had this? You tell them off and it makes them worse. One of the things that Kirsty learned, which comes from my program, which is called the 3 C's. So that's about being calm, connected, and giving children choices within limits. And that was one of the things that really made a difference for Nina. She phoned me up the other day and she said, you know what, In fact, there's a little video of her. I'm going to put a link through shortly, and there's a little video of her saying— sorry, telling us about how much better things are. But she told me that, you know, she can leave them in the playroom playing happily, and Nina sometimes comes back and tells her, 'Oh, Mummy, you know, we need to be careful. I moved something away so Rory didn't grab it.' She can go and make their lunch. And she just, she has so much better relationship with her. So, you know, it's very powerful, but it's so fast that you can make the changes. So skilled and informed and supported parent will raise a resilient and emotionally balanced child. A skilled, informed, and supported parent will raise a resilient and emotionally balanced child. We know how important it is for our children to have their emotions validated. We know that for their mental health, we need to support them emotionally. It's absolutely vital. And we need them to be resilient. We need them to be able to bounce back from life's disappointments. We need them to be able to, to stand up for themselves. We need them to be able to put themselves forward even at the risk of failing. And not feel so chronically embarrassed or ashamed that they don't try something again. So, you know, it's so important. I keep saying it's so important, I know, sorry if I'm repeating myself, but think about this for the long term. Here's Tessa and Miles. Tessa was on maternity leave as well and just found that she was having— her confidence was low. She didn't know how to deal with the breakfast and the teeth and the leaving home without shouting. Tessa learnt descriptive praise, which I've mentioned already, amongst other things. And she said that descriptive praise just in itself was a game changer. Edward will now proudly put his shoes on and he's just so proud of himself. You know, I'm sure it's not every day, but when things start to slightly spiral out of control, Tessa's got those tools there to bring things back on track. And that's, you know, that's what it's about. Not about being perfect, but just about bringing, you know, knowing where you are, that confident parent and in charge. So just to remind you, you know, this is the quadrant 4, those consistent boundaries, that emotional awareness, the respect, being listened to and feeling connected with your child. And they go both ways. You know, you want your child to— you want to listen to them too and respect them. The Duchess of Cambridge has done an awful lot of research and she said some of the science behind child development is extraordinary. In the program I'm about to tell you about, there's a lot of the neuroscience that's— a lot of it is very new and it's absolutely amazing. I wish I'd known about this when I was— my children were younger because, you know, it would have made makes a lot of things much easier, particularly dealing with, with the tantrums that I dealt with. So it just, you know, it shows what an amazing opportunity we've got to really nurture their minds and, and give— put them in the best possible position for their future lives. So, you know, like I keep saying, it's— of course it's about getting them to do things, of course it's about avoiding the nos and the battles, but it's, it's not about just having a, an automaton you know, a child that just says yes. It's really about nurturing them. So this is what we've looked at so far. It's the 3 biggest mistakes: misinterpreting kids' behaviour, being inconsistent and using unproven parenting strategies, and assuming that you can wing it without training and support. And I would love to hear from you what you would feel like, what would it feel like for you to avoid conflict? Would you feel calmer? Would life be easier, happier? Would you feel more connected if you could avoid conflict, if you knew how to avoid conflict? People are saying, oh my God, yes, wonderful. Yeah, I mean, it really can be a game changer when you can avoid conflict. So it would feel wonderful. Great. Okay. What about being firm but positive? How would that feel? Would it feel like a sense of relief? Would you feel just more in charge or more confident? So maybe stick something there in the chat box. Yeah, would, you know, would you feel I've got confident coming up? And how skilled do you feel, particularly with those areas where you're having struggles? And you wouldn't be here, I know, if you didn't have some struggles. So if you, if you skilled yourself on a, sorry, scaled yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. And if you're thinking about the areas of difficulty, where would you put yourself? If 1 is like, I really just don't know what I'm doing. And 10 is like, I'm just okay, you know, just got this, I've nailed this. With those areas of difficulty, where would you put yourself? How would you scale yourself? Just stick a number in the chat box. So I've got some 5s, yeah, I've got a 3, 6, okay, great. And what, so just to remind you again about the confident parent, so we're talking about being connected with the children, with our kids, in charge, captain of the ship, we're talking about being assertive, having mutual respect, resolving or avoiding conflict, staying calm, no need to shout, and having fun and being joyful. So that's the confident parent, and that's why I, I love the work that I do, because I want to help parents dramatically improve their confidence. So I'd love to hear what's been valuable so far, what's resonated. I mean, I know some of you have said, you know, learning about being calm. What else? Anything else that's resonated and been valuable for you? And I've got some more, so don't go away, and I'm going to take questions. Maybe I could hear about some action that you take. What do you think you're going to do differently as a result of what you've heard so far? So that would be good just to hear about some action that you're going to take. Okay, somebody said be more positive, great. Somebody said stick to the boundaries, lovely. Okay, so these are the challenges that parents mostly face. It's like, how do I stop How do I stop shouting? Or if you're not shouting, you know, if you haven't reached the crescendo of shouting, it's nagging. How do I stop nagging? How do I get them to listen and cooperate? How do I stay connected and understand my child? And also very often within that, it's like, how do I keep my, you know, help my child emotionally? How do I help build that? Oh, I just sometimes things go from my head. But their mental health, sorry. How do I make sure that my child has good mental health? And particularly you want that as they approach the teenage years. So that's, you know, to do with the connection and the understanding. I just want you to say, you know, some of the examples that I give, and sounds maybe like I'm kind of showing off about these teenagers that I haven't had, I've had, you know, really comparatively very easy years with them. I'm not special. I have just simply learned the processes and the tools that I teach other parents, and I've spent 20 years refining and testing them and studying and, you know, really researching. So it's nothing to do— I'm not, you know, I wasn't designed for this. Parents used to say to me when before I had children, oh, you're going to love it, because I've always loved children. But actually I found it way more difficult. Has anybody else had that? Have you found it harder than you expected? If that's you, just tell me harder in the chat box, because I know personally that was definitely me. I've got a special gift for you coming up. And now I want to tell you about the program that I've been referring to. Yeah, some of them people are saying much harder, much harder. Exactly. I mean, it is, it's definitely way harder than I ever anticipated. And of course, it's completely joyful as well. So I've been referring to this program, it's called the Tantrum Taming Toolkit. Now don't worry if your child isn't having screamy, kicky, on-the-floor tantrums because it's still an incredibly relevant program for you. And I'm going to whiz through the elements in the program to help you understand what's involved and the investment involved. But if you know, sometimes at this stage parents have listened to me and they've heard me refer to the program and they just think, you know what, I, I, um, I want to, I want to join. Um, I'm going to put, um, now I think I have an assistant on out there who's going to put the link up in the chat box, but I think I better just put it, um, there myself because, uh, who could see your messages? Okay, so it is www.myparentingsolutions.com/ttt-october. I don't know if you need that HTTPS there, but I'm just putting that in the chat box. And if somebody is out there that can write it with the HTTPS just click through to that. In fact, I would invite you all to click through to that because then you'll have it there for when we finish to have a look at it. And also, I would be really— I hope that the link works, so perhaps you could just click through and make sure that that link works. So it's called the Tantrum Taming Toolkit, and I'm going to whiz through now what's in the program, but it really shows you how to parent with Compassion and Boundaries for a Calmer, Easier, Happier Family Life. And if that's what you want, you're— oh great, thank you, it does work. So I definitely advise you to click on it, make sure that you've got the link up there for, for later, and then just listen on. And I'm here for questions. So it allows you to parent with compassion boundaries, and that's, you know, if you're still here with me, I know that's what you want. Not everybody wants that. Some parents want to just have that kind of strict, you know, bring their children up as very strict and, you know, you just do what I say. That's not what this is about, but it is also about having boundaries and sometimes being firm and sometimes not being the most popular person. I know that, you know, I was— I've definitely been told that by my children, you're so mean, you know, because I've been stricter perhaps about a bedtime or a screen or stuff like that. So, but that's fine, you know, because it's about knowing your values and it's about knowing what's right for you and your family. So it comes as 4 modules as an online program. There are loads of extra bits within it. You can access it from an iPad, a phone, a laptop, or all, you know, all of them. You have lifelong access to the program so you can watch the 4 modules that are broken down in easy 5 to 10 minute sections. You can watch them over and over again. I have, I'm going to show you him in a minute, I have a very able assistant who I bring on. I'm not going to take you through all the modules. When you click through, you'll see what's in the different modules, but just so you know, there are 4 modules: Strategies for Misbehaviour and Tantrums, Understanding Kids, Bringing Out the Best in Your Child, Systems for Keeping You Sane— that's about rules and routines— from A Calmer Happier Life. Packed full of stuff. Becky had accessed just— not even— she hadn't even completed Module 1 when she wrote me this message. She said, I'm having a really lovely time with my son. I feel like I'm being the mum I dreamed I would be, and it's helping me not to need the mind numbing— sorry, the numbing of screen time too. Sometimes I think, I think we resort to a screen because we just don't know what to do with them and we know it shuts them up. And she just said, thank you so much for the course, I'm so glad we're doing this. I interviewed her last week on Instagram. Becky came on the course almost a year ago now and she said it's— she's still using it, it's getting better and better as each thing— as he grows, her little boy Max Maximus, as he grows and things change, he, um, she uses more and different tools. So it's, you know, it grows with you. It includes some adult-child roleplay demonstrations, and here he is, you get to meet Piggy. I couldn't get children to demonstrate, but Piggy does an extremely good job of being a child, and parents have loved those roleplays because they're very real. And they show you how to turn things around. They show you how to use the language that I'm teaching in action. Tonight I have a special offer— oops, just go back to it— these are brand new. They're what I call flashcards, and I've had parents tell me that when they've got the bonus by signing up, when I've done this before, when they've got the bonus— that means if you sign up on the night, you get this special extra bonus that just by printing them out and reading them, things they've been like, oh my God, this is so helpful. I've literally distilled 20 years of work into these cards. There's 50 of them. And they are just a great quick reminder of a way to approach a situation in a different way, a way to boost your child's esteem, a way to connect with them emotionally, a way to develop their strong mental health. So, um, that's a special thing for anybody who signs up tonight by 11 PM. Um, it's a little incentive because I'm just so keen to get you involved and making a decision to, to join the program. So there it is. Uh, you have a— one of the great bonuses that's available for everybody, uh, is 4 group coaching calls. Uh, they, they're on a Monday night, um, and they start next Monday. So they're, they're 4 consecutive Mondays and they're an hour where we meet on Zoom and it's just a great chance to meet other parents, get questions answered, sometimes I'll do a little role play and just feel that you're not alone. So 4 of those calls are just brilliant but they're recorded if you can't make them and you can watch them again and they're just as useful. You get to join a Facebook community that's it's exclusive for members. And you get to learn about stress, stress reduction. I've got a really amazing meditation teacher called Lauren Bear involved, and she shows you how to reduce your stress, which is just, as I say, raising children is very stressful. And often they're picking up on our stress responses. This is where the sponge comes in. I don't know about you, but I know that when I'm stressy, I'll often get it back from my children, or it can make them feel anxious. So it's so vital, and, and it gets you started if you don't know about meditation. I want to ask you a question. Say you've got a 3-year-old— a lot of you have been saying you've got a 3-year-old, and you're thinking you're kind of taking them through to 18. £23 a year, would you consider that a big investment? I think you'd think 'Well, it's a couple of pints, isn't it?' Or a couple of bottles of wine. I don't know how much a pint is, I think about £6 maybe. So it's, you know, 3 or 4 pints, really nothing, £23 a year. And this stuff that I'm teaching you, I still use with my children who are 16 to 23. I even sometimes use it with my husband. It's a different way of communicating, and it's a lifelong tool. So £23 a year. Melissa, just a brilliant, you know, she just found it so useful because she was having so many battles with her 6-year-old. She said, this is the best present that I could have given my family. And, you know, forget the kind of iPads, consoles, whatever that you might be tempted to buy them, or new ones certainly. It's just a great present for your family. Andrea also, you know, now her little boy is excited to get get himself ready for school, and he's also just so much more confident in himself, which is again what we want. So look, here's the investment. It is an incredibly valuable program. I find it very hard to put the value on it, but I certainly know that the cost of my own training and the, the 20 years that I've put into this program, it gives you the enormous value. And I fast-track parents. They learn so much quicker than I partly because they learn, you know, I've kind of ironed out things, and partly because of the way of teaching it. So I couldn't learn online, but this online program, when you can just keep reviewing it, is just— it's such a great way of learning combined with the group coaching sessions. So, you know, it is— it's valued well over £2,000 when you think about the calmness that you'll feel. You might, you know, parents will tell me that they've were about to get expensive psychological tests done on their children and assessments. They don't need to do that anymore because they've got the information and they've used the tools and they've changed their relationship with their child and they've seen their child just blossoming and that challenging behaviour just completely reduced. So your investment today is £133 £133 a month for 3 months. It's really nothing, or you can think of it as £23 a year for the next 15 years. I know you're not going to be paying it like that, but £133 a month for the next 3 months, and then you have lifelong access to this, to this program, and you also get to join the 4 group sessions and the Facebook group. So you could pay as a one-off You could invest it as £347 and save yourself some money if you wanted to do it like that. And you also have a gift for those of you that are with me so far, has stayed with me. I will be emailing you a little, really helpful little booklet, Understanding Children's Tantrums. Remember that, that bonus pack, those 50 cards that you can just use immediately and really just get— also very useful to put on the fridge as little reminders, you know, show your grandparents or anyone else involved in their childcare. It's an extra special thing for tonight, and I'm going to send you a copy of an amazing book, personally send it to you. This is— I, I've met with Rebecca, the author. She's very much aligned to my values, so you get that for for joining tonight. And like I say, the investment is £133 a month for the next 3 months, or £347 as a one-off. When you go through to the page, that, that link there that we've— I've put up, um, you'll see at the bottom you can check out either as a one-pay or a split-pay or a one-pay, and it'll take you through to secure payment. And that— and it's, it's completely secure I also wanted to sell you, and that's the, the, um, I give them a 30-day money-back guarantee. If you go through the program and think, you know what, this really has had no impact on my child, just come to me, just email me, get in touch, and I will refund your money. No risk or hard feelings. So it really does come risk-free. Um, I'd love you to take action. You might be thinking, I just don't have the time or the patience I'd like to challenge you there because first of all, patience is something that you learn from being skilled. And how much time do you spend on the arguments? How much time do you spend when you're trying to get out the house and you don't know how to get your child to cooperate, or they've run off at the park and you, you're spending time getting them back into the buggy, or, you know, if you're not in a buggy, whatever. Just, it's very time-consuming and it's also emotionally draining. Maybe you think you should be able to cope. One thing I tell parents is just take the 'should' out of parenting. 'My child should be better. I should be a better parent.' Take it out and think, why should you be able to cope and handle the challenges of parenting? Like I say, you wouldn't send somebody to care for your child if they hadn't had training. So just think of it like that. Maybe you need time to think about this, that's fine. You won't get tonight's bonus if you're thinking of joining. Just jump in, just jump in. You do have a, you know, that 30-day money-back guarantee, but you have about approximately 4 days before I shut the doors of the program. So tell me what is holding you back, or what are your— oh, somebody said, is it an online booklet to work through? Oh no, Sorry, great question, Hashmeet. What a brilliant question, because I assume people know it's an online course and it comes in pre-recorded sections. There's about each module, the 4 modules has 4 lessons within them. It's me with slides, you'll see my face, you'll see the slides, You also get these role-play demonstrations with Piggy. It's all video. You can listen to it audio if you're on the move. Parents have done that very successfully, but it's not just booklets at all. You get printable booklets, but it's recorded modules. Thank you so much for asking that question. And you do that in your own time. So each module is approximately an hour, especially if you stop and make notes. So it's about— the 4 modules are about 4 hours. You then get the 4 hours of the weekly calls, and there's some extra stuff within that that you can do all at your own time. So parents will often say they do it like 20 minutes a night, and you've got lifelong access to it so you can review it. But that's a brilliant question. Thank you for asking that. Any other questions? Anything that's holding you back, if you're thinking, ah, I'm kind of on the fence, I don't know whether to do this, ask me that. Maybe some parents say, you know, my child's really difficult, will it work for them? And absolutely will. I mean, it is just— you can always ask questions in the Facebook group, you can always ask questions on, on the weekly calls, but it is designed to help with the mildly challenging to very challenging children. All children have their challenges, but it is really designed for across the board, and it will definitely help with difficult children. Some parents ask, will it help with children on the spectrum? Absolutely. It's not spectrum-specific, but again, the feedback that I've got is that it very much— those tools are often what you're taught if you have a child on the spectrum. You'll find that they're, you know, they're taught for any professionals that you might have access to. So definitely would help with that. Also, some parents say, I don't really have major problems, is it going to help me? Andrea, who was just back there, it was a little photograph of her and Becky. No major problems except, you know, the battles in the morning, the battles Becky used to want to go for a bike ride with her child and he's always saying no. And she's just learned to work around that, get him to go happily on the bike. But also she's seeing now, because that's what happened, they change and things come, you know, that as they develop sometimes they'll, you'll have different challenges with them. And you've got it there. So it grows with your child. And like I say, my eldest is 23, I'm still using it with him. So, and what I mean with it, there's lots of different tools. So things like, you know, really reflecting and understanding how he is emotionally, praising him in detail for the things that I think he needs to be praised for, not like condescending, But you know, when he's done a great job about something, rather than saying great job, I'll go into the detail of that because that's meaningful. Is it possible to sign up at a later date if you don't have funds available at the moment? It will be, but this cohort, the October cohort, is only for now. I'm not sure that I'm going to do another one before Christmas, probably not, but I will be in the new year. But I would say if there's any way you can scrape those funds together, just see what you can do. But I understand if that's really, really difficult. But that's a great question and thank you for asking it. 'My partner's not on board' is a question that I get asked a lot. What I found is because you can just sit and watch 5 or 10 minutes at a time, You can usually persuade a partner to do that, and once they've watched a bit and had seen that it's not judgmental, it's not telling you what to do, but it's encouraging, you get some really quick wins from it, then they usually do come on board. Or quite often they'll see how impactful it is the way you're using it with your child, and they'll think, oh, 'Oh, I might try that.' Maybe they might not tell you that they're going to try that, but they do. So that it will often bring a partner on board who's been resistant. Um, what else? Yeah, anybody else got questions? Because it's been great to have questions already. Um, anybody else got any questions? I, I know— well, I did say I was going to go over the hour. It's pretty impossible not to. Um, so I'm really grateful for you for staying this long, and, and I definitely want to give you value. But any questions? So I've just explained that it's an online program. I'll just take you through again. Um, just think of it as investing £23 a year. That's for tonight. Is anybody in? Is anybody thinking, you know what, I want to grab that bonus? There's 50 special cards, um, and the book. Anybody thinking, yeah, I'm in, I want to do this? If you are, it'd be lovely to hear from you. Just stick it in the chat box, um, and that would be great. And anyone that's going to get that card, there's just a reminder of what you get. It's the 4 modules online course, it's the 4 group coaching sessions, it's a private members group, stress management. You also learn from a child psychotherapist called Emma Shapiro. She's got a module in there. You get booklets to print out It's, it's very, very comprehensive and parents have said it's such amazing value for money. So that is that. Whoops, no, I'll just take you back there. Okay, and there at the top is the link and it's also in the chat box. Somebody's saying that they was— they're going to join, it's good, it's just what you want. Brilliant. Okay, well join, that's great. So you will get tonight, you will get those extra special bonuses and it's It always thrills me when I'm on these webinars to hear that people are joining. And somebody— oh, brilliant! She's sorry, she sent a message just to me. Oh, that's brilliant, Anna. I'm really glad. Okay, so that's two. Great. So I would love anybody else to join me. I'll stick around for a couple of minutes, otherwise I will, I will sign off. But please ask me questions. And as I said, I've had 2 great questions already. So anything that's holding you back, anything, any kind of doubts you think, oh God, I'm just not sure about this. So you can stick those in the chat box. It's— let me just see who's here. I can pop this up. Oops. Okay, great. Do ask me questions, or let me just see, I sometimes I keep a note of questions. You should just get repeating how long I get access to the program for— lifelong. And when I update it, you get all the new updates. So mostly parents, it's online, it's video, but you can just use it as audio if you're, if you're on the, you know, on the run. You watch 5-10 minute segments at a time. Each module has got about 4 different lessons in it. You also get separate roleplay demonstrations. You get to learn about meditation. You get to join the private Facebook members group. You get these 4 sessions with me on Monday nights on Zoom starting next week and you meet other like-minded parents. You know, that's the brilliant thing about it is that parents say it's so helpful and so reassuring to meet like-minded parents and really, you know, just feel like you're not alone and also get ideas from them because, you know, I'm not the— I don't know absolutely everything about everything and sometimes a parent will will come in with a brilliant suggestion and I'll think, yeah, that's great, I'm going to take that. And then it'll inspire others and it gives you confidence. You know, if you give a suggestion and another parent takes, you know, takes you up on it and thinks, I try, and then tells you, I tried your thing and it really worked, that gives you extra confidence. So that's really lovely too and that's a really nice bonus. About the program. You get a workbook to print out and work through, make your own notes, and you just really get for your child the, the processes, the tools, the principles, the skills to be able to raise your child with compassion and boundaries. And I don't know about you, but what a gift to your child for life to be able to do that. And, and as I say, I can I can see that now with my older children that they are, you know, coming out into the world and they're compassionate. And they also hold boundaries. They'll say no if they don't want to do something. They are very good friends to, you know, they have great friendships. They're go-getting. They're doing interesting things. And I'm not saying none of you are, but it's just great to know that I feel confident that how we have invested in them has had a great outcome. So, and that's, as I say, not perfect. We're never ever perfect as parents, but just that confident parent. So somebody else has said that— oh brilliant, somebody else has said they're joining. Great, okay, that's lovely. So just anything else that I can help you with please do pop it in the, in the chat box. I hope I haven't missed anything, let me just scroll down. I don't think so. And tell me, anybody else, if you're thinking of joining, it would be lovely. But if not, just make sure— I'm just going to scroll back up to that link— make sure that you've clicked on the link and then you know that you've got it. Up in whatever browser you're using. Where's it gone? There it is. There's that link, myparentingsolutions.com/ttt-october. And it would be my absolute pleasure to have you join the Tantrum Taming Toolkit course. Okay. I will just— what I'm going to do is just turn off my camera for a moment. How do I do that? Do you know? I don't even know how to do that. Stop video. Yes, I'll do that. And I'll be here. But if anybody else wants to ask a question, then please do. If somebody said the link works now, I think you're probably all going now. Yeah. Okay. I think everybody has has got what they wanted. And just a massive thank you for joining me tonight. I hope that you've got value. I really hope that you're going to join me, us, who are all the people that are on the program already. And any questions, you can always WhatsApp me. As you go through to that page, there's a WhatsApp thing, and there is also— you can just email me as well. Okay, so end meeting now.