Timeout is a punishment, learn 3 powerful alternatives that work

If you've ever found yourself shouting, "That's it! Timeout! Go to your room! Go to the naughty step!" Maybe it was because your child shouted in your face, hit their sibling, threw their food across the floor, something that just really pushed you to your limit. You probably used timeout hoping that it will fix the behaviour, and you are absolutely not alone in thinking that. Many of us were taught that timeouts were what children need when their behaviour has got out of hand or is unacceptable. If anyone remembers Supernanny, she pronounced it unacceptable, and she would advise sending kids to the naughty step. Things have moved on, and what if I told you to take a different approach? One that actually taught your child what to do and how to make amends. Rather than punishing them for what they did wrong. One that recognized that all behaviour has a cause, and if we just punish the behaviour, we do not help our child to regulate or even express the feelings that cause the behaviour. Now look, you might be thinking, you haven't seen my child. I cannot ignore or accept the terrible things that she does. I'm not saying that we don't take action. If the plate has been thrown across the room, we leave it for them to clear it up. If they're hitting a sibling, we stand in the way and say, "I'm not going to let you hit your sister." So welcome to today's episode, why timeouts don't work and what to do instead. But first. As a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. So the question of the week is, my child shouts, 'I don't care,' when I say I'm going to take something away. What do I do? Okay, so listen on because we're going to come back to that. So, years ago when one of my boys was about 6, we were having one of those days. It was almost bedtime, and I found that he'd emptied 2 boxes of Lego onto the playroom floor. And when I confronted him about it and asked him to clean it up, he said, You clean it up, you idiot. In a flash, I lost it. I grabbed him, I marched him next door saying that it was a timeout. I was completely overwhelmed, so I threw him onto the sofa with some force shouting, stay there, and I stormed out. I knew that that wasn't gonna do anything. I knew that he wasn't gonna learn or even help to clean up the Lego, but that was all that I was able to do in that very moment. I'm not saying that I'm a terrible mother for doing that, but it was also that knowing that this wasn't parenting with love and boundaries. I knew that it wasn't teaching him anything, that when you do something that I don't like, probably out of some kind of frustration or strong feeling, you get sent away. And when I get overwhelmed, I lose control. So I actually paused and breathed. Breathing is something that I highly recommend, and we forget to do it when we are really super stressed. And I came back in and I said, I shouldn't have thrown you on the sofa. That wasn't okay. I was feeling really upset, and I think you are upset too. And we sat together for a bit, and then I remembered that he'd had a spelling test that day at school. I knew that he'd come home in a bit of a mood. But I was able, with a few moments, to ask him about the spelling. And he said he'd forgotten how to spell because, and he'd forgotten how to spell friend. Turned out that he was quite dyslexic, but that we didn't know that at the time. He said he'd got them all jumbled up under pressure. And I could tell that the frustration from the spelling test had built up, coupled with, you know, some spats with his siblings when he'd got home. That's what prompted the Lego emptying. Timeout wasn't ever going to work to help him tell me about this or tell me about his feelings. So we are going to look first at why timeouts don't work. Look, let's look at the core idea behind a timeout. The theory is that we remove the child from the situation so that they can calm down and reflect on their behaviour. But here's the truth. Most children under the age of about 7 just don't have the emotional regulation skills to calm themselves alone. And they definitely do not sit there thinking, ah, yes, I see now that hitting my sister wasn't the right response, and I'm going to immediately apologize to her when I return. Especially if they are still emotionally dysregulated when we put them in the timeout. Usually what's happening is that they're sitting in shame, confusion, or anger, and they might be thinking, "I'm bad." They might label themselves as, "I'm the naughty one." They might think, "Mom doesn't love me right now." And they might also think, "Next time I'll be better at hiding what I did." So look, here's the kicker. Timeouts often disconnect us from our children in the moment. Just when they need us the most. When a child misbehaves, it is usually because they are dysregulated. They're overwhelmed. They may be sensory overwhelmed. They're tired. They're hungry. They've got strong emotions. It could be jealousy or frustration. And sending them away does not help them to regulate those emotions. It just isolates them and shames them. Please don't feel bad if you've used it. Listen on because I've got 3 really great strategies to use instead. So what can we do instead? You know, I'd just like to say now that it is a difficult job being a parent, and if you would like some personal help from me, I'd encourage you to go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat and book yourself a free discovery call with me. I'd love to chat and hear your situation. I promise I will not judge, and I'll tell you how you can work closely with me. So here are 3 alternatives that actually work so that you can avoid using timeout. Number 1, time-ins. Time-ins are the opposite of timeouts. Instead of sending your child away, you actually bring them closer. I get this really feels counterintuitive, but it works because we meet their core emotional need to connect with us. I really get how strange this feels. You've probably been taught or thought, doesn't that reward bad behaviour? I get it. But look, I often do this with my client. It's about, let's take us as an example. Imagine that we'd had a bad day and we shouted at our husband or our partner or a loved one when we came home. We didn't mean to, but we just couldn't help ourselves. Now, if they said, "Get away from me, go to your room," as a punishment? I doubt that would help very much. What if they said, "Hey, it sounds like you're having a really hard time right now. Do you want to take a few breaths, or do you want to talk to me about it?" So, you know, if our child shouts or lashes out, what if we said something like, "You're obviously having a really hard time." I'm not going to let you hurt me, but I'm going to stay close to you. And if you want a hug, I'm here. And we could sit with them. We could hold them if they're open to it. Not all children want to be held when they're feeling hyper-emotional. We may not say very much. That's okay. It's our presence and our emotional regulation that soothes them. This is called co-regulation. So us staying calm helps them to return to calm too. Please believe me when I get how hard it is when our buttons have been pushed. This isn't easy, and I know that there's more to this than I can cover in this podcast, but I want to give you these 3 really good tips. So tip number 2 for helping to, for dealing with difficult behaviour instead of using a timeout. So instead of you using a timeout, we can use replays or rewind. So once our child is calm again, this will not work if they're in the heightened emotion, but if they're a little bit calmer and we've helped them with that, we can offer them a gentle redo of the situation. As I say, it could be called a replay. It helps children practice what they should have done rather than leaving them stuck in shame for what they did wrong. Let's say our child shouted, "I want that!" and grabbed a toy from their sister. After calming them down a little bit, depending on the level of regulation, we could just say, okay, let's try that again. Could you say, 'Can I have a turn?' when you've finished? And we would perhaps physically take the toy back, give it to the sibling, and get them to say that. So that's a rewind. That's doing it again correctly. And then we can celebrate. That was the really respectful way of asking your sister for a toy. You should feel proud of how you asked that time. We want them to feel proud of themselves. That's a really important thing. So it's not about pretending that the misbehavior didn't happen, but it's about using the moment as a teaching opportunity. I'm fully aware that replays need to be timed well. If they're completely dysregulated, we need to wait it out. And we might say, I'm gonna hold the toy for a moment until you've calmed down. So the third way to help avoid using timeout is having boundaries with compassion. As I said earlier, many parents worry that if they don't use timeout, they're being too permissive. Here's the truth. We can hold boundaries without punishment. Let's say our child is throwing things in frustration. We could calmly say, "I'm not going to let you throw that. I'm going to move it away. I'm going to put it on a higher shelf." So we're taking action. They're throwing balls inside and we've asked them to stop and they haven't. Balls are for throwing outside. So I'm going to take the ball away from now, instead of sending them to a timeout for doing something naughty. I don't, really don't like using the word naughty, but I know It's used a lot. So what if they're hurting something? I can see you're upset. I will not let you hit your brother. I'm going to move you away until you're ready to calm down. So we're being firm, but not harsh, and we're modeling emotional regulation. Over time, our child learns that we are the safe leader, someone who doesn't shame them, but does guide them. So back to the question of the week. This week's listener said, and it's something I hear a lot, my child shouts, "I don't care," when I say that I'm going to take something away. How do I deal with that? So this is what I call a classic power struggle moment. First, remember that when our child says, "I don't care," they do care. They're just trying to protect themselves emotionally. So they, and kind of they're feeling a level of shame. So they don't want to admit it. When I coach my clients, we work on many, many alternatives to resorting to threats. Often it's just so liberating for them as we can get in such a tangle with threats, making wild, stupid threats that we know that we're not gonna carry out, and our children know that we're not gonna carry them out. So let's come back to the ball example. We might state, balls are for outside. So, I need to take the ball away now, or you can go outside and play with it. So, you know, again, we are just, we are not getting in a power struggle moment. We're not making a threat, but, and an answer to, I don't care, it's really best not to respond, but we might say, I know that you are feeling really angry about the ball, and if we want, you want to talk about it, I'm ready when you are. What happens most is not engaging, what matters most is not engaging in the power battle. Hold the boundary firmly and kindly and allow our child to move through the emotion with our support. Again, I just want to reiterate, if you'd like my personal help on this, because it is a really difficult one to manage as parents, go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat and book a free discovery call with me. So look, final thoughts. Timeouts are really not the worst thing a parent can do. They just rarely achieve what we hope for. And if you've used them, please don't feel guilty. Honestly, parenting doesn't come with a manual. What matters most is just being open to learning and making some small shifts that bring more connection and growth for both you and your child. So here's your recap. Time-ins help your child feel safe and, and seen. Caveat, if we need a timeout as a parent in order for us to breathe and calm down, that's fine. But time-ins are with our child and alongside them and helping them feel understood. Replays give them a chance to practice better behaviour, and boundaries can be firm and loving at the same time. So remember, please follow and subscribe to this podcast and mention it to your friends. Thank you so much for listening today. See the show notes for free resources or to book that discovery call, and please give me a quick review. And if you have a question that you'd like me to answer in the question of the week in a future episode, either go to my website where you can find my email address or go to Instagram @myparentingsolutions and send me a DM. And I'll see you next time on Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries with me, Camilla McGill.