Parenting coach Camilla McGill shares how she handled her seven-year-old stealing and lying about it. Instead of punishment, she validated his feelings, acknowledged the temptation, and guided him to return the items himself. He stopped stealing and became more willing to admit mistakes.
I had a question this week on Instagram about what do you do if a child has been lying to you, and it reminded me of an incident that I had many years ago when my child was 7, my eldest child was 7. My business partner at the time, who was another parenting coach, had offered to have him for the day, allowing me to have a break from him and be with my other children, who was a baby and 2 small children at the time. You know, I was absolutely exhausted, incredibly grateful that she was taking him him. So when I got him home, I noticed that his pockets were jangling very suspiciously, and I discovered that he had £3 coins, some figurines, and 3 Lego people in his pocket. And although I tried to inquire casually where they came from, I know that I sounded pretty tense about it. His first response: 'I found them in the garden.' 'Really? Well, why didn't you give them back?' 'They told me to keep them,' he said. 'Are you sure that's true? Actually, I found them in the street just now.' And I was starting to get kind of really annoyed at this point, but I managed to hold it together. 'But I didn't see you pick anything up.' 'Oh no, Sam gave them to me. I forgot.' I felt so embarrassed. Not only had he stolen from them, but I worried what they'd think of me. Have you ever felt like that? How your kids' mistakes 'are reflecting on you.' But I used the skill that I teach parents. I validated his emotions, telling him that it must have been so tempting to take things, even though he knew it wasn't right. I told him that bravery was admitting his mistakes and that I understood why he'd taken them. But I told him that I was upset about it and yet that I still really loved him all the same. 'it took a lot of coaxing and letting go of time pressure to get him to admit that he had stolen these things, and then I wanted to get him to take them back, not as a punishment, but so that he could experience making amends.' That's another thing that I teach. 'And so through gentle conversations, I got him to come with me the following day and hand them back over to her big boys.' they had been pre-warned and they were extremely gracious about it. I was really clear that I wanted his dignity to remain intact and for him to feel safe to tell me other mistakes that I'd made. He never actually stole again after that, and he's always felt able to open up and share with me when he's done something wrong. So, um, if you like this approach and you like these videos, Do encourage your friends to sign up to my weekly emails, the link's below, and to follow me on Instagram, and follow me on Instagram too if you're not already, and send me an email and tell me how you're doing. But that's all from me for now.
