Why Rude, Moody or Silent Kids Need Us Most in These Moments

You're listening to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries because I'm guessing that you're the kind of parent who wants your child to be able to talk about their feelings. So many of us parents are like this. We read the books, we try to stay calm, we might even talk about feelings, but our child is still moody, silent, rude, or even melts down for what seems like absolutely no reason. It feels really discouraging and exhausting, especially when we've tried our best to be a good parent. To do things differently, and still our child pushes us away just when we're only trying to help. This is exactly what we're talking about in today's episode. What's really going on behind our children's most difficult behavior and how staying emotionally connected can completely shift what happens next. So keep listening as this episode will definitely help you. It helps us to understand why our kids lash out, shut down, or act up, learn what to do when they say nothing, even though it's obvious that something's wrong, and discover gentle, powerful tools to help our kids open up and cooperate without threats, shouting, or shame. So if you've ever felt confused by your child's behaviour, I want you to know you are really not doing anything wrong. Today I'm gonna give you a new lens, a different way of interpreting what you see and responding. And we'll also be covering this week's question of the week, which comes from a lovely mom of a 6-year-old. When I see my son is upset and I ask him, what's the matter? He just says nothing. What am I supposed to do then? So if you've ever been in that moment wanting to help, but hitting a brick wall, then this episode is definitely for you. But first, so let's dive in. I'm gonna talk about the dinner table moment or the supper table moment. So I want to start off by sharing a moment that happened with my own children. My daughter, I, so as you probably heard, I have 4 children and number 3, my daughter Scarlet, was 5 years old. I was sitting with her at the supper table. She'd had a long day at school. I'd cooked pasta pesto, which I knew that she liked. But the moment that she sat down, so the other children were there too, but the moment that she sat down, she looked at the plate. I think you might know what's coming. She pushed it away. She said, yuck, this is disgusting. Then she looked at her brother and said, you've got stupid hair. And then she started kicking the table legs. I'm gonna take a breath here because this kind of behavior is so triggering. It was like a, a switch had flicked in her. She became angry, rude, and clearly not okay. But to be honest, my first instinct was to snap. I'd made her a home-cooked meal. I was tired too, and frankly, her behaviour felt really disrespectful. I'm so glad that something made me pause. And I really, really do understand how difficult that is because they do press our buttons. We do have that knee-jerk reaction. But in this instance, and I wouldn't always say I got it perfectly at all, in this instance, instead of telling her off, I just looked at her and said gently, "You seem really upset about something. I wonder if you had a bad day at school." Now, in this instance, something came out, but it doesn't always. So, you know, listen on because I've got other ways of addressing it if they just say no. So she looked down, and then I could see tears plopping out of her eyes, and then she started sobbing. Through the sobs, she managed to tell me that she missed her best friend, Emily, who'd recently left the school. She told me she had nobody to play airplanes with, which apparently had been their favorite game at break time. She said the other girls had said it was a stupid game, and that day had felt long and lonely. She didn't say it felt long and lonely, but it clearly had. She hadn't known when she got home how to say that she was sad, and it just came out as anger. It just reminded me of something huge. When our kids are at their worst, it's often when they need us the most. So, first point, write this down or, or just remember this. Behaviour is a clue, not the problem. So what I want us to take from that story is this: the behaviour was the clue, it wasn't the problem. Children don't say, "I'm overwhelmed." They rarely say, "I feel I'm really sad," or, "I had a hard day." Instead, they show us. They show us by slamming doors or throwing their book across the room. If it's the morning before school, they refuse to get dressed because school feels such an effort, and maybe they remembered that something happened the day before that they didn't like, or they felt worried or anxious about. They say it by shouting, "I hate you," or pushing away the meal that we've just made. I get it. These moments are really triggering for us as parents, especially if we were raised in households when these behaviours just simply weren't tolerated. When go to your room was the answer, was maybe a smack, maybe some kind of other punishment. But if we can pause and remember, it isn't personal, and then we can begin to ask better questions. So not, how do I stop this behaviour? But what is this behaviour trying to tell me? Point 2, why connection builds cooperation. So many of us worry that if we go soft in moments like these, so if we respond in empathy instead of discipline, we are just simply encouraging bad behavior or we are giving into them or we are being too soft on them. But honestly, the research and the experience of, of the thousands of parents that I've worked with to show them a different way says otherwise and shows otherwise. When a child feels emotionally connected to us, a few powerful things happen. Really, I want you to listen up. Their nervous system calms down. They feel safe to express their emotions. They start to trust that their feelings won't be met with rejection. And over time, they become more able to listen to our advice, to cooperate, And also to repair. I'm not saying if they've chucked a plate of pasta off the table, we stay silent and make nothing of it. But what we start with is helping their nervous system to calm down, helping them to feel safe to express their emotions, and then to repair. So they may, you know, we can come back to it. We leave the mess of the pasta and they can come back and repair and clear it up. But it comes from us trusting that a behavior is telling us something. So believe me, connection isn't permissiveness. It's not about letting our child do whatever they want, but really it is about meeting them with empathy so that they feel safe enough to bring their whole selves to us, even the nasty messy part. So if you like what I've been saying so far, but maybe you are thinking, How do I apply this to my unique situation? I'd love you to book a free discovery call with me. You just go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat or see the show notes below, and we can chat about your unique situation, and then I'll explain how you can get my help. So next, what do we do when they say nothing? So let's come back to the question of the week. When I see my 6-year-old son is upset and I ask him, what's the matter? He just says nothing. What am I supposed to do then? So this is such a common thing that I hear from parents. We know something's wrong. We're asking kindly. We're giving them the space. Maybe, you know, the situation with the pastor where I felt triggered, maybe that doesn't even come up. Maybe we're just giving them space and we still get nothing. I want to unpack why this happens and what we can do. So here's why they say nothing. Sometimes they truly don't know what they're feeling yet. Other times they're worried that they're going to get into trouble. Maybe they've learned that adults might not really listen. You know, I mean, let's be honest. How often have we been distracted? We've got an email to send. We realise we haven't put the supper on. That we've got to get to their football lesson in time. So we may actually jump in and either squash them down, or we might try to fix it too quickly. And sometimes they just actually need the time to process before they can speak. So what can we do instead? So if we're thinking, you know, when our child has said nothing, here are 5 ways to help our child open up. Number 1, be a calm, steady presence. Sometimes this is just the best thing we can do is just to sit with them. I get how difficult this is when we've got other children, time pressure, but if we can just sit with them, no pressure, and we might even say something like, I'm here when you are ready to talk. That alone can build trust. Number 2 might help our children open up is making a gentle guess. Something like, 'I wonder if something tricky happened today,' or, 'You seem a bit quieter than usual. I wonder if something's up.' Even if we're wrong, we're showing an interest without pushing it. So if we are wanting to help our child up, Here's a third way that we can do it. Use connection points. Kids often don't like the spotlight being on them. So when the spotlight isn't on them, that can be when they open up. So if we are doing things like chatting while walking, often it could be in the car or maybe playing a game together, you know, just a quiet game of, I don't know, noughts and crosses. Or Hangman or something like that. Doing something side by side where we're not eyeballing them can really help because it lowers the pressure and, but it can actually give a safe space for them to share and open up. I don't know if you've ever found that, but I know I have. The fourth way of helping a child open up is by sharing ourselves, telling our own stories. We could even model vulnerability. Do you know, I remember when I was 5, I really remember feeling left out at school. I didn't know how to talk about it because I felt a bit ashamed about it. I just had this big feeling sitting on my chest. Now, it usually works best not to do what we might be tempted to do, which is, is that how you feel? But actually just leaving it like a calling card. Just saying nothing and maybe asking a different question like, you know, are you hungry? Number 5 is revisit the moment later. So honestly, don't expect everything to come out straight away. So we might at bedtime, which is often a really good time when time has elapsed between a child, say, finishing at school, or it's just, you know, they've kind of had some wind-down time, at bedtime, we might say something like, "I could see you seemed really sad before, earlier on. I just want you to know that I'm always here if you want to talk." This tells our child that the door is always open, and they may or they may not open up. "I understand how hard this is. I'm an impatient person, and I so used to want to get it out of my children. But honestly, if we can just be more seemingly more relaxed about it, not pressuring them, that is so often when they will open up. So if this episode has helped you understand your child a little bit better, then I'm so pleased because that is the purpose of this podcast. But as I said earlier, you know, you could be feeling stuck. You feel like you're doing your best, but something's not clicking. So that's again why I offer a free discovery call. We just talk through what's going on for you. I listen without judgment. So you can go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat or just click the show notes below and you can book your call. Remember, when we understand our child's behaviour and have the right tools to respond, we can finally stop firefighting and start enjoying family life again in those moments. This isn't about being perfect. It isn't about always responding calmly. I totally get it. But when we are skilled, we will have those tools in those difficult moments to know how to respond. So here's what I want you to remember from today's episode. Children won't open up because we demand they talk. They open up because we show that we are safe to talk to. So next time we hear nothing, try to hear the message behind it. I don't feel quite ready. I'm hoping you are staying close. I don't actually know what's up, but I need you. Our calm presence, our patience, our empathy, that's what helps children feel safe enough to open up. And every time that we choose connection over correction, we are building something strong, steady, and really wonderful that is, is an investment in our child's emotional future. So thank you so much for being here with me today. If this episode spoke to you, please share it with a friend. Remember to hit subscribe or follow so that you are alerted to the next episode of Raising Kids With Love and Boundaries, and leave a review because that really helps the, the podcast get pushed out to other parents who might not have heard of it. Honestly, we don't need to figure things out alone. Remember, it's not about failing. We're all learning, and our connection with our kids is where the real magic happens. Thank you for listening, and see you next time.