Working Mum Guilt: Balancing Career and Family Without Losing Yourself

Any mother struggling to balance a career and raising young children will know how hard it is. There's the guilt, the feeling that you're not giving enough to either role, and the frustration that these kids didn't come with a manual. As a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mom of I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Don't miss the question of the week, which is, how do I handle it when my child doesn't want me to go to work and is really sad? I'm going to come back to this, so make sure you listen to the end when I'm going to give you two really great tips to handle it. So today I'm thrilled to introduce you to Laura Cody, who has a senior role in investment banking and is the mother of 3 gorgeous girls. Laura first approached me for help when her daughters were little, and she's here to tell you why she reached out. So Laura, over to you.

Oh gosh, it's a long time ago now, um, the girls are now 10, 11, 12, so still little, but for the most part we've got over the more difficult times when they were younger. Like, if you'll recall, Camilla, we met at a friend's party. And I think at the time, you know, we got chatting and you were obviously so, so helpful and so thoughtful around kind of how to manage kids that I think at the time were 2, 3, and 4, so super, super young. And I think what I was saying to you was, look, I work full-time, my husband works full-time, you know, we have to hire a lot of help to with to help us with the kids, and I felt a lot of guilt around that. And in particular because I'm Irish, all my friends who were having kids at the same time had their parents minding those kids when they were, when they were gone to work. And I just felt like I was overcompensating, you know, when I was with them because I was ridden with guilt. And at that little age, even from 2, 3, 4, when they start going to playschool, when they start, start like bigger school. I mean, there's a lot of questions around, you know, where are you, Mummy, and what— why weren't you there to pick me up today, and why couldn't you come to my ballet recital? So I think you met a very distraught woman who was suffering from a lot of guilt, actually, and I felt really upset that I didn't have family to lean on at all in London in particular.

And so we talked. I know one of the things that you found really useful was talking about consistency around routines. So when I started to give you coaching What would you say was helpful about that?

I think as a working mother, like, especially, it was interesting. One of the things that always sticks with me that you said, I was coming home to try and do the bath time, the reading the book, you know, getting them into wind-down mode before they went to sleep. But then, by the way, what was also difficult was I was also getting calls from work. Like, I was feeling very torn. So one minute I'd be trying to help them, and then I'd be like quickly taking calls. And then one piece of advice you you said was, look, at that time, if you were on a plane right now, would anyone be able to contact you? And you've just got to be very, very strict yourself on making sure that that routine that the kids need and they crave so much is implemented. And so you need to say to everybody, there is only so many hours in the day. I'm a working mother, like, I will leave at half six, and until half eight, I am not free because that's my time with my children. And I think being very disciplined around that was something that was super helpful for me. So you not just helped me implement a routine with kids, will you help me to implement my own routine? And then I think second of all was that, like, look, the comfort that they need and the comfort they get from just having that bedtime routine that they know is going to happen every day, and then trying to put it into place, that, that structure. And no matter what you say, structure at that age is just so important. You are the one who told me that, thankfully enough. That really worked, actually. And me being structured around giving them the time and making sure that that was time they had with me. And also not to me get overexcited and try and keep them super happy by getting them more hyper, but also just, you know, that was the time of the day I had with them and they needed that.

Brilliant. And would you say that also helped the guilt a bit because you knew that you were switching off from work, giving them that time, Giving them that reassurance that there's this consistency, there's that this is what we do, and Mummy's there and we do it. Not necessarily every day, because I'm sure you had other commitments occasionally or travel, but when you're there, that's what, that's what Mummy does with us.

Yeah, like, I think I, I don't know whether I read something or whatever it was later on where somebody was like, you couldn't be a working mom, um, and you couldn't work you know, my job takes a lot of time. There is travel. There's often evening work that I have to do. But, you know, like, I think that's right. Like, even I read somewhere where someone said, my mom wasn't around that much, but when she was there, she was present. And I think that's what you were always encouraging me, be present and give them that time that they need. And I think that really stopped a lot of stuff that was going on. So I was getting home. You're also really tired from the day, and it's not always that easy. I mean, I'm painting. A really picturesque— it wasn't like, despite the fact that, you know, that advice was brilliant, there would be times they'd be throwing themselves on the bed, one would be jumping up and down, one would be crying. I mean, they were very young at that point in time, so it was just getting into that pattern that, like, it's not all a bed of roses, that's for sure, but just trying to calm everybody down and make sure that they got that. Yeah, so I think that really helped alleviate my guilt and made me feel like within the time that I had, I could be very present for them.

Yeah, brilliant. Okay, so we're talking about how to maintain this balance between a career, working, a mom, an important career, and giving time for your kids. And here's a second point you always said to me, it was very helpful, about the no, about sticking to the no. Do you want to just say a little bit about that?

So, so again, what I— you laughed at me, I thought you said, well, what kind of mom would you say you are? And I said, I'm the kind of mom who goes no, no, no, yes, okay. So it's just like so difficult, uh, and I still have to remind myself of that, like that, you know, keep consistent, you know, if you say no, just stick with it. Um, and also I think you were really helpful because you were watching me in the early years, um, and, and you were so there for me to kind of help talk me through a lot of these situations. But I think one of the things that you noted with me was that when I was upset with the kids, that I would make these unrealistic threats, you know. So there would be this, if you don't do that now, there's no holiday, that's it, we're canceling the family holiday. And I remember you saying, Laura, are you crazy? You're not canceling this. Try and do something realistic, like, you know, I'm sorry, there'll be no pudding today. I don't know, I don't think that was even your example, but something attainable and something that was, again, stick with it, because they have to believe that you mean it. And I think that's kind of how you get, you know, and just to be realistic with what you, what your plan. And yes, it doesn't take much, you know.

I remember saying to you, instead of actually saying no, you can say yes, you can definitely have an ice cream tomorrow.

Yes.

Yeah. We'll be going to the park Saturday and not right now while it's bedtime. So twisting it around a bit, but just sticking to it. And, and also coming back to the guilt, like so often we say yes when we mean no because we feel guilty. But actually knowing that the best thing for the kids is that you're being consistent and not making wild threats like Father Christmas isn't coming.

I know, and despite all the advice you give me, it still happens. You know, you still say these ridiculous things. But also, even now, like, I think even now with the kids a bit older, like, I would be racing around Westfield with them on a Sunday, probably indulging them too much. And I think oftentimes you'd be like, look, Laura, there are— the fact that you're there and you're taking them out and you're giving them a great day, it's enough. And just knowing that they'll— they appreciate just as much you just being around and listening to them. And I'm very guilty of that, and sometimes I feel very bad because I'm kind of talking to them and then work stuff is on my mind. And they'll often— like, they, they would say to me a lot, like, Mommy, are you even listening? Are you listening?

So you just have to check yourself and, and, uh, and my goodness, we're all human. And I know all these years of doing this work and knowing how important it is to listen to your kids, even now with my kids, my youngest is 19, I still am doing the shopping list in my head or thinking about an email I need to write when she's telling me something. So we are fallible. We're human, but just, just knowing that actually the things that they remember are not really the things that we buy them in Westfield, but it's that having a giggle with them in the lift or singing songs with them on the journey there. Those are the things that really stick with them. So just that reminder. And we're talking about how to manage raising kids, having an important career and letting go of the guilt. So let's just talk about this, the third point, which is the idea of connecting with them emotionally. And do you want to just say a little bit about that?

So again, because all these little things are happening and you try to reason in your head, for example, like my now going on 13-year-old, she used to get scared at night and she wanted to be in our bed. And because I had a lot of guilt There would oftentimes be, my husband would wake up and say, how many of them are behind me? And I'd be like, well, they're all, 3 of them are actually here. 2 of them shared a room. One would get wind that the other was in the bed and she'd creep in. And I remember saying, you know, it's hard. What's causing the anxiety? And you get to the end of the day, they're tired and I'm tired. And is there ever a right time to really broach stuff with them? And so, you know, one of the books that you gave me, it was this fantastic book about, can you be anxious? What feelings do you have? And it's okay to sometimes be anxious. It's normal and it's okay to express that. So I started reading it to the 3 girls one night, and we didn't even get past like one page. I mean, there were so many things that they all wanted to talk about. And for some reason, because this book had kind of said like, you know, we all have feelings and it's really good to speak about them, there was just a laundry list of little things that they were like, oh, does that make you feel nervous? Or does that— oh, do you get nervous about that? I didn't realize that. Is that normal? And did you ever get nervous about that, Mummy? And so just, it was, it was super helpful to use as a tool to get them talking. And I think another thing you had said to me was find your pattern with the kids. Like, as it turns out, mine are a little bit more nocturnal. Some kids are really good in the morning. Some working moms are lucky enough that they could collect their kids. When is the time to chat? When is the time for them to kind of be able to tell you stuff? And I often find with mine, because anything but go to sleep, that's the one time I could sit in the bed. And before I know it, a lot of stuff comes out. And that starts from the age of 2, 3, and all the way up. And now, you know, what may have been 10 minutes now sometimes is 2 hours of chatting through what's what. But it's super important, but I don't need to take the time. And the other bit was really important that you gave me was, because my girls are so close in age, try and do something individually with each of them and try and somehow— because I was laughing with you when I was saying that one of them had done well in a play and the other two were jealous, and I was trying to explain to them all, look, we should rejoice in each other's success, and you're all wonderful and I love you just as much. But when they're close together and your time is so limited, actually doing something a little bit special with each of them and having that time alone does wonders. And so you gave me a great idea for Christmas one time, which was like each one of them got a day, got to choose one thing that they did together with mummy and daddy without their sisters. And that was amazing. Like, of all the things they opened, this was like gold dust. Like, I could, I could go with mum and dad and, and they were young, like they were 6, 7, and 8. I can go without my two sisters and have mum and dad, like, results. So that was great advice just because you're very time poor. When you're boat working and they need to feel special, even though they're part of a wonderful family, they need to feel that time alone. So that was also great. Brilliant.

That's so helpful. And I think there was one other thing around that feeling thing was, I know we talked about instead of reacting to the behavior, look to what's behind it because sometimes they can just be vile and just so rude and say such awful things to us. And actually, if we can, instead of saying how Dare you be so rude, or don't do that. Say, oh God, something's up, and something's there. I remember we've had conversations about that as well.

You'd be very good. I, I, not only do I do that with my kids now, thanks to you, I also do it with my husband. So thank you. It seems to work for both of them. But you know, I agree with you. I think that's right. It's like, and that's really hard, right? So sometimes we've all lost our tempers. Sometimes I feel, especially with my eldest, I feel like I'm downstairs and she's on one chair and I'm on another, and we're both sulking, and my husband is trying to work out, A, who's the adult in the room, and B, what's gone on here. But you're absolutely right, Gillian, if you do try to figure out why that's happening, it's amazing how you can resolve the situation. And so I think that has been a great tool for me to just take a step back and say, what's behind this and why is that happening, and trying to be more empathetic than lose the rag, which, you know, in high drama situations as you have in a house with me, 3 girls, and a female cat, you know, that we get these plots sometimes, sadly. But that was— that, that, that has been super helpful, and it's probably a lesson I use not just with my kids but in all aspects of my life.

Yes, absolutely, absolutely. So what would you say— so say there was a parent thinking, I should be handling this all on my own, I should know how to do this— what would your words of wisdom be about getting help?

Get help, get help. No, look, honestly, I, I think that's right. Like, it's the one thing in life that you walk into with absolutely no training, and You also, in the throes of your romance, never really think about you and your husband and what your views are on bringing up kids. And we also all take a huge amount of baggage from the way we were brought up, for the good and for the bad, many times for the good and other times bad habits that we all get into. So I really, I have to say, having you as a sounding board make me think differently and tweaking stuff that like I feel like I have a good intuition and I feel like I've got it, but like there would be times I would be calling you telling you like that my middle child, who's normally the golden child, had thrown herself in the bed and was screaming hysterically and I just couldn't work out and I couldn't keep my temper, um, because it was like, what are you doing? And I think having you there and having you give me the guidance, it just has made all the difference to my relationship with the kids. And initially when you mentioned it to me, I was like, No, I don't think so. And we had that kind of like trial session initially, and, you know, a week later, the difference between the relationship with the girls that I had and pre-that was just so instrumental that, like, you know, like, there's a lot of times where you kind of said to me, I think you have it, I think everything's good, we've maybe come to the end of the road, and then I'm like, one more session. And we often go back to each other. But look, don't forget, Camilla McGill is your friend, everyone. So you end up going back to her even now, and I'm like, can you just talk me through these tweens, teens, whatever the hell horror story I'm now going through? And so the advice that you've given me, I just think it's building blocks for life. And I would urge people to get the help. And, you know, there is no shame. You know, if we want to be good at tennis, we train all day long. If we want to be good at our jobs, we get training. If I want to do public speaking, I get training. You know, it is no harm to have a good sounding board. And my kids got into a fabulous routine, a fabulous way of dealing with each other, and we got the best— I've got the best out of that. That said, they still lose the plot a lot. That's like, that's a personality thing. So no, but I would say 100%.

Brilliant. Thank you so much. And in terms of resources, there are resources from my website, myparentingsolutions.com. You can put /justlisten to get a great guide on how to get your kids to listen without ever needing to nag or shout, or /tantrums, one on the 10 tried and tested ways to manage tantrums and mood swings. So back to question of the week: what do I say to my child when they say, "I don't want you to leave me"? Now, we've all tried, "Darling, I've got to go to work. You'll be fine. You like your nursery or your school." And it just doesn't seem to work. So here are my two recommendations. Anticipate in advance that this is something they're going to say. We need to remember that kids live in the moment. So when the time comes for us to leave, it's a shock for them. So I would really recommend that you use my great method to go through the preparation steps. You can get this by going to myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten. But here is step two of the method. Great method. R, respect their feelings and reduce resistance. It's really hard for you when Mummy leaves. You wish I didn't have to go to work. You're worried that you'll miss me. Now, it might seem strange that I'm recommending that we say that. Maybe you think, aren't we going to put ideas into their head? Actually, no. We're just putting into words how they feel, which helps to lower their resistance. I also recommend practicing the goodbye. How do you want me to say goodbye to you? What words do you want me to use? What kind of hug do you want? Go through and practice and let them tell you how they want the goodbye to go. When you do these two things and your child knows what to anticipate, they feel emotionally much better prepared. They may still feel sad in the moment, but they also feel understood by us, which helps them so much. So that's all from Question of the Week. I hope you found that useful, and thank you so much for listening. Please do recommend your friends to this podcast and give me a like and subscribe. There are lots more episodes coming up, and thank you so much, Laura, for your input today. It's been really great talking to you.

Oh, well, thank you, Camilla, and thanks for all your help over the years.

Pleasure.