200- Courage to Leap & Lead w/ Maria Trusa, part 1

You've got courage to leap, courage to lead.

Be brave and be bold. Whoa, let it roar.

Welcome to the Courage to Leap and Lead podcast, where each of our guests share the stories of courage that helped them become powerful leaders. Before we start today's show, please remember to visit courage-consulting.com. Where you can find all the episodes and other excellent resources, all at courage-consulting.com. Now here's your host, Leadership Courage Coach CB Bowman.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is Tuesday and this is Courage to Leap and Lead. And today we have another special guest who's going to speak about a A very serious subject and how she managed to work her way out of it and to help other people. So I want to welcome Maria today, and our topic is sexual abuse. Maria, welcome.

Thank you so much, CB, for giving me the, the platform to continue spreading the, the message and the awareness of what I call the silent pandemic of sexual abuse of our children, speaking from my own experience. And without realizing, you know, I have become the voice for the voiceless, the children.

And thank God, thank God, because there's so many children who are afraid to speak up, so many people who know children who are afraid to speak up. And so let's start with talking about your background as a child, your parents, what did they do, and then what happened?

So I was— yeah, thank you. I was born in the Dominican Republic. I was in the Dominican Republic from age— from when I was born until the age of 15. That period of my life, you know, I talk about my life as decades that changed my life. And it's ironic, because when I look back, you know, I've, I've had the opportunity to really put my life together and, and talk about it in the decades that have changed my life. And one of the major events that happened to me when I was 9 years old is that unfortunately my father, who is supposed to be my protector, made a decision one night. My father was an alcoholic, and unfortunately my mom had to travel to the United States because my father was irresponsible. So we were— we moved about 17 times from my— the age of when I was born until age of 9. We were kicked out of every house because my father would not pay the rent. So my mom ended up coming to the United States to provide a better life for us. But unfortunately, my father made a decision that changed the life of my life and the life of our family forever.

When you said your mother traveled, forgive me for being interrupting, but she traveled to the United States with you and left you with your father, or So she had 5 kids.

And since my father was not able to support us, my mom was able to get to the United States with my 2 older brothers. They were old enough to be able to work and support the 3 of us that were left in the DR. My little brother was 3 years old, and then my other brother was 11. He was about 10, and I was 8 years old when my mom left. And that sort of started the trauma in my life because we were separated. Imagine having your family and out of the blue, your mom is going to the United States with the other brothers. And then we are separated. I— we could not stay together.

But so you were with your father in DR?

So my father, yeah, he was not able to support us. So my father was not pretty much in the picture for about a year. So when she came to the United States, she had to take care of us because she got divorced from my dad, and my dad basically disappeared.

And so you were with your mom then, or you were with a different family member?

So I— when she came to the United States, I ended up staying with a cousin of my mom.

Ah, okay.

Okay. At age 8. And a year later, my mom and my brothers were able to make enough money to get us a house and pay for the house and pay for somebody to take care of us. So they brought in this lady. Her name is Paula. She's still in my life. She's a second mom to me. And, uh, Paula was taking care of us, and then my father was supposed to provide food And he would come and stay in the house while he was drunk. You know, a lot of the time I dealt with a father that was drunk most of the time. And so that's sort of the story where, you know, it's a little complex. It's, you know, I talk about it in my book because there's a lot of details that, you know, we will need a lot more time to be able to include it. But But ultimately, the, the event that changed my life forever happened at the age of 9. In the middle of the night, my father came to the house with a friend who was a witchcraft man. We called him El Brujo.

What does that mean, a witchcraft man?

He used to do witchcraft. You know, he believed in witchcraft. And I— what he did do that night with my father is that they were taking my little brother that was 4 years old by then. And we don't know what he was going to do with my little brother. You know, they could have sacrificed my little brother for all we know, which is something that, believe it or not, 50 years ago, was possible. And, um, I took my little brother from my father that night, and I am 9 years old. And my father says that, uh, he was taking me then. So my father took me in his car with this man, and he dropped me off in the man's house. And the man on the side had a place where he did witchcraft. And he brought me in, uh, where he did witchcraft, and, uh, he forced me to drink a bottle of whiskey, uh, nonstop. I could have died just from the whiskey.

Yeah.

9 years old, and I'm being forced to, to drink this alcohol that turned out to be a gift because I didn't realize that until later. The man took me to a motel, and he brutally raped me. He raped me the entire night until he got tired. And in the morning, I woke up naked, broken. I could, I could not walk. I held on to— I was holding on to the walls, and I was able to make it to the bathroom. And I can tell you that I knew then, you know, that what happened to me, that I—

At 9, you understood what happened?

I was broken into pieces. I, I had to have surgery. I— my fallopian— my right ovary got twisted in the fallopian tubes, in the fallopian tube that connected, you know, obviously to my, my uterus. And I was bleeding. I was, I was physically and emotionally broken. Then, you know, and it's, you know, the body keeps the score. Like, I'm, I'm telling you the story that I've told over 600 times. I've been— when I say I've become the voice for the voiceless, I can tell you that this is not easy for me to, you know, be here with you and sharing the story that causes pain to me to this day. And I'm, I'm going to be 60. So this happened, you know, 50 years ago.

Mm-hmm.

This happened and, and I still feel it, but I realize how important it is to give the details because, CB, what happens is that we have gotten to a point where we know this exists. We know we've normalized it because unfortunately What happened to me, different versions happen to millions of children. And the decision that is being made is being made by someone in the house. The monster is in the house over 93% of the time. The abuse that happens to children is something that we know. Um, we don't talk about it. It's very uncomfortable. The dynamics— I mean, think about it. My father, my father takes me and makes a decision where I had no say in, of taking my little body like a piece of furniture and give it to a friend that destroyed that piece of furniture.

What was your caregiver in the house when this happened?

She said— I am on an interview. I'm— I have a doc— there's a documentary that I'm part of. And I heard her say, because she was interviewed, she said it was her father. I had— how do I stop her father? She's— she said, you know, she's a housekeeper in a way, you know, she was keeping— she's like, what happened to her, and she talks about it, the documentary is that For weeks, she had a hard time eating. She was, she was devastated. I mean, everyone was devastated when this happened to me. You know, my family was complete, completely destroyed in a way. You know, my, my family was never the same. I never got to see my father ever, ever again. Until the day he died, you know, that he asked for my forgiveness. 20, almost 20 years later.

How did you— when you woke up in the morning, did you get to a hospital? What happened?

The men took me. I mean, think about it. When I was in the bathroom for years, by the way, as an adult, I had this— it was— it ran like a movie. And I couldn't stop the movie. So I would go in the middle of the night and freak out in the bathroom. And I would go in this fetal position. And I would be crying as a woman, as an adult. I— when I was in the bathroom, I'm like, oh my God, I— what's going to happen to me now? Because I'm going to come out of this bathroom, this man is naked in the bed. And what's going to happen to me? And now I could really feel it. When I was telling you that the alcohol became a gift for me, because as he was, you know, abusing me, I didn't feel it completely. I did feel the pain.

I understand.

So, um, he picked me up and he took me in the car. He took me back to his house. And by then my brother, my little brother, 11 years old, my uncle had left him there, because by now it's like 11 o'clock in the morning. Everybody's looking for me except my dad. My dad was sleeping at 10 o'clock when they woke him up. Where is she? And then my uncle went with the machete. I mean, this is in the Dominican Republic, you know, in a very small town. And he was ready to kill the man. And my brother, he said, I'm gonna leave you in the house, 'cause we went— he went to the house and I wasn't there. So when my brother was there, believe it or not, the man— I get out of the car, I can't walk. My little brother picks me up in, in his arms. And I can tell you that my brother is, um, 62 now. And he still suffers from anxiety from that experience. And he took both of us, the man took both of us and drove us to my house and dropped me there.

Wait, so your little brother was at this man's house?

Because my uncle had dropped him off there, cuz my uncle went with my little brother looking for me.

Right. And then where was your uncle when this, this man drove up?

He went—

You're still looking for me?

Because I wasn't there. So my uncle was searching to see where I was, and, uh, but wanted to make sure that at least my little brother was there if I came back. And that's exactly what happened. And then the man dropped us off in my house, and The last time that I, you know, really saw my father was my father was waiting in the front of the house like nothing, like nothing. And I— that was it. I, I was taken to the hospital after that. I was—

Where was your father when you were taken to the hospital?

He was in jail for one day.

So they arrested him.

Till one day. And so, as you can imagine, I mean, this destroyed my life for decades.

And your mother was in America at the time. And did they call her, or what happened?

Oh yeah, you know, my, my cousin called my mom. And, you know, I remember it, and my brothers— I, I was the only girl. I'm the only girl in my family. My mom, I was their little— to my brothers too, I was, I was their little princess. So one of my brothers actually ended up, you know, hitting the wall so hard that he broke his arm, his hand.

So they flew back to DR immediately.

My mom, my mom was able to fly back in, but she was only able to stay there for like 2 weeks. And, um, so I ended up having surgery, ended up wanting to die. I, I was so depressed that I really— I, if I could have killed myself at the age of 9, I would have done it. No doubt in my mind. I just didn't know how because I did not want to live. I didn't want to live.

And so your mom was there during the surgery part and helped you to recover. And then when she went back, did she take you with her?

No, she couldn't, because we didn't have papers. She had to leave me back there. And it took me almost 6 years to come back, come to the United States.

We—

by then, what happened was that I couldn't stay in the little town where I was raised, because everybody looked at me with pity. Everybody knew what happened to me. I was looked at as someone that was damaged. And even when I went to school for the first time, like a month after, I, I walked into the school, and I had to leave crying. Because when I walked in, everybody, including the teacher, looked at me like I was damaged and with pity. And to this day, I gotta tell you, I don't allow pity, and it's caused me a lot of pain because I don't want anybody to pity me. I just— not too long ago, about 5 years ago, with the work that I've been doing, I realized that, that I, I'm, I'm— it, uh, I've been— I've accomplished a lot in my life, and part of it is The, that little girl, I took that little girl, Jackie. They used to call me Jackie in the Dominican Republic. I took little Jackie resilience, and I used it because Jackie got to the point where she could not feel. So I didn't feel. You could hurt me. It didn't matter. Like, I just didn't feel. I, you know, my mom was there for those 2 weeks and My mom didn't know how to deal with me, and my mom got angry when I was on the floor crying and crying and crying. And she said— she kicked me and she said, get up, get up! Enough is enough. I don't want to hear you cry anymore. This is enough. And I stopped crying. I literally stopped crying. And I would cry no more.

You know, it's horrible to say, but this is probably the best part of the story, best part of what happened to you. Because without your mom giving you that resilience, you know, it's horrible to say, but I can see, I could see the strength that you got for that because you loved your mom and Respected her and understood what she was trying to do. And now she's saying to you, I'm passing that strength to you.

I didn't understand it at 9. Yeah, it took me a lot of years to understand it because I was— all I wanted, CB, was a hug.

Of course.

I did not— I was not hugged. I actually want to— I do public speaking engagement. I tell everybody, I said, look, You want to give me a hug? Call me, hug me, because I'm giving you a hug. Give me a virtual hug. Because I don't, I don't blame my mom. I forgive. I, I literally am forgiving everyone. Um, my mom, I was able to repair, uh, the relationship because I did a lot of work on myself. And but my mom just didn't know what to do, you know. She was herself in, in it. I, I later on, I, I, I— she shared with me an adult, like, as, as I was already having— I have my own kids— that she wanted to die herself. And she said, I didn't kill myself because I have 4 other kids that I had to, you know, like, how do I leave these other kids? But ultimately, she said, I felt like I failed you. And you're my only girl. And this happens to you. Later on, we were able to come to that resolution and that repaired. But at that time, I didn't understand. You know, I, I've had the ability to really— and I've done a lot of healing. You know, I, I've been healing for 40 years. 40 years. I've invested time and money because I said that I was going to stop the transgenerational trauma that we pass along, because that's what my father did, that's what my mom did, and I was going to stop it with my children. And I have 3 kids, and I would say that I've accomplished a lot in my life. I feel that if I left today, I've, I've lived an amazing life.

Oh yeah.

But the reason I say that more is because my children I have the most beautiful relationship. I've healed as a mom because I was on the road that was very bad when I had my first child. I was not ready to be a mom, and I didn't—

How old were you then?

I was— I got married at the age of 17 to a very abusive Dominican man, uh, who mistreated me, who beat me, who Uh, I mean, he tried beating me. My brother stopped him, but he sexually abused me too, because abuse— when you don't want to have sex and somebody takes you, that's sexual abuse. So he would take me whenever he wanted. Uh, I was not allowed to feel anything because he knew my story. So if I felt anything, he would tell me, what are you, a whore? I mean, he has his own trauma. So I ended up having a child at the age of 20. Uh, I have my firstborn, and that's when I realized that I was so broken. That's when my trauma really showed up, and I got to see it because I couldn't— I was not connected to my child. I was totally disconnected to my son, who actually today I do healing retreats with. He is my best friend and, um, my coach. Like, we coach each other through, through our lives. So it's— there's been a lot of healing, uh, but my son, uh, for me was my biggest accelerator. He accelerated my healing journey.

We're going deep and too fast at the same time. Yeah. So let's go back a little because the whole purpose of this show is to help others get beyond— I don't know if I can say, and correct me if I'm wrong, beyond the trauma. Is that a correct way to phrase it?

Um, he, you know, stop the transgenerational trauma because that's what happens to us. You know, we are inner child. So connecting to that inner child is so important so that we can heal. In order to heal, we need to connect to our inner child because we all have one. All.

What do you mean by transgenerational trauma?

So I say that we are all born good. If you believe in God, which I do, I believe that God sends us with the light. That light is our innocence, right? At the beginning you have this innocence that you're wow for everything. You are wow. Give me one second. Yes, I'm at it.

Zoom.

Um, just give me one second. Oh, sorry. Um, here. I'm sorry. Love you. Uh, sorry, there's somebody that I was meeting. Um, so transgenerational trauma is once you lose your light or you dim the light or the light is dimmed by the people that are raising you. Um, they are going to be passing along whatever trauma are unresolved of your parents, right? Your parents with— not because they want to. We all carry trauma. So when you're born good, what changes you is your environment, the environment that you're raised at, and the people that are raising you. And without them knowing, They're passing along whatever they did not work on themselves in their pain, in their trauma. And we all carry trauma. I'm sorry, whether you think— you might think that you don't, but I gotta tell you, everyone carries trauma because we do, you know, we do it sometimes things that we don't even realize why we're doing it. But there's trauma that is passed along from your family. And some people have real, real trauma.

How are you defining trauma?

Trauma is—

And let me ask— let me tell you the reason why I'm asking this question. Because in life, we always learn from our parents. Now you're separating learning from hurt. Um, you're separating the good of learning From the bad of learning. And so I think clarity around trauma versus learning from your parents so that you can do good has to be clarified.

Yeah. So trauma is an event, something that has happened in your life or the life of your parents that has dimmed the light. That's how I describe it, that light that we all carry. So it dims it, sometimes it turns it off. Because there are times that people don't even recover. They become alcoholic, they become drug addicts, they become people that do horrific things. Because when they were children, horrific things were done to them. So when you don't have control of your life as a child, your life is being controlled by the adults in your life without them wanting. Because most, you know, when we are a parent, most parents, they want to do the best for their children. But if you have unresolved trauma, which I can tell you from my own experience, I did. I didn't realize, I gotta tell you, until my son was born. Oh my God, like, who is this person that I'm seeing that I have become? So as a child, it's impossible to have that cognitive understanding of what is happening in your life. As an adult, then I always tell people, your parents did the best they could with the tools they had, because when you are blind to what you are carrying with you, from your past unless you become really curious and you say to yourself, I need to— why did I do that? Why did that trigger me? Why am I doing this to my child? Why am I hitting my child? Why am I talking negative to my child? Why am I saying things that are really hurtful to my child? And then you go and get Most parents will feel guilty after, like, why did I do that? Now there's work to be done. And this is where I was saying to you, every—

Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. If a parent says they, they tell a child that they've been bad. If a parent scolds a child because they feel that the child has done something wrong, how does the parent know that they are scolding for that particular thing and not bringing up trauma that they've had in the past? So let me give you a simple example. Yeah. The child eats the cookies from the cookie jar and is not supposed to eat the cookies. The parent said, "You're not supposed to have dessert before your dinner. You're being bad." Yadda dee yadda dee. In fact, what happened to the parent is that they were admonished for being overweight. So how do you know that that admonishment for being overweight is? trauma versus that child should not have sweets before dinner. You know what I'm trying to get at?

Yeah. So I'm always looking for why am I being triggered?

Yes.

Because you know when you're being triggered and if the way you know it, I mean, I know it because I'm very in tune with my body and this is work that needs to be done, but I gotta tell you, That if you're getting angry with your child, because there's a way I could say, um, my daughter Natasha, you know, Natasha, I, I, I've mentioned to you before that the cookies is for after you eat. Can I ask you why you're eating it now?

Ah.

I, I'm curious as to why you're eating it now. Or I could say, "You're bad. Why did you do that? I told you not to eat that cookie. I told you. Why are you disrespecting me?" That's your trauma. Yeah, when you get angry, that's your trauma. And I can tell you that I know it because I've lived through it. Now you know what I do? When I, when I know I'm getting upset because I'm very in tune with my body, my trauma body part, it's right here. It starts here and it goes like that. And I feel like somebody is holding my shoulder and squeezing my shoulder. That's my first sign. And when I feel the trauma coming, the trigger from my trauma, I say, oof, okay. I would say, Natasha, I am being triggered. And I am going to have to excuse myself from having this conversation with you, because if I don't excuse myself I could be mean, and I don't want to be mean, and I could feel— then I would have to repair with you. So I'm actually trying to prevent it. So please, let's not have this conversation right now. Now, Natasha is 16 years old, and she has been trained by me with this conversation, because I've been very vulnerable explaining to her how You know, she understands where I come from. She understands all the work that I do, that I do. And the way we communicate is very different than the way I communicated with my 40-year-old when he was born.

Okay. So let me now ask you, are parents— I mean, what you just said is mind-blowing. So are parents concerned that they'll lose their parental authority by talking that way to a child?

Yes. We think we are supposed to be the authority, and what that does is it disconnects. Because is there— it— I mean, we all want to connect to our children. So if you're the authority, you're already disconnected from that child. We have to be responsible. I would say to Natasha, I'm showing up as if as a mother right now. Okay, so I want to tell you, I'm showing up as your mom. I am not in— this might disconnect us a little bit, because I just want you to know that I am not going to let you go to the Bronx. I am concerned. This is a real conversation. I know you feel that you are ready, and I feel bad. you know, preventing you from having the experience that you want to have, because I know you want to hang out with your friends. And I was a kid and I know how cool it was. But as a mother, I have a role. In that role, sometimes you're not going to like, because I need to protect you because you're at this age. I know you feel like you know how to protect yourself, but you don't at this age. I need to still be a parent. So I'm showing up as your mom, and I'm sorry that this is not something that you, uh, you're gonna like. And, and believe me, I understand. And she will be, but Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom. In this instant, there, there is— I know, and I keep validating. I know that you want to do this because I know it's fun. And we keep going at it me validating her feelings and then me helping her understand where I'm coming from. But it's not from a place of I am the authority and because I say so, because I'm your mom and that's it. I used to, just so you know, I used to. I'm not— I'm— I have learned as I've healed to be vulnerable with my children and take them with me through the healing journey. So there are times that I will lose it with my daughter, and I would say, like, in the morning, sometimes when she won't wake up, I'm like, very few times I've said, you, you know, get— and I'll scream. And you know what I do? I stop. And then I will send her a message. I just want you to know that the way that I showed up this morning is not the way that I want to show up. And that was ugly. And I, I obviously continue to work on myself. You know, I am— I just want you to know that I am sorry that I yelled at you because that's not what I want to do, and that's not what I want to teach you. But we all have trauma, and mine comes out sometimes. And, you know, I could, I could show you messages that I saved from my daughter Saying, Mom, please, you're, you're so incredible. Like, you allow me to speak. You are— don't judge me. I can talk to you. You're not perfect, Mom. It's okay. I get it.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow.