201- Courage to Leap & Lead w/ Maria Trusa, part 2

You've got courage to leap, courage to lead.

Be brave and be bold. Whoa, let it roar.

Welcome to the Courage to Leap and Lead podcast, where each of our guests share the stories of courage that helped them become powerful leaders. Before we start today's show, please remember to visit courage-consulting.com. where you can find all the episodes and other excellent resources, all at courage-consulting.com. Now, here's your host, Leadership Courage Coach CB Bowman.

I, you know, I want you to know I'm feeling everything you're saying and I'm asking questions like I am moving away from your answer. But you're triggering so many questions in my head that I just have to keep going because you are an amazing human being. Thank you. And I want myself and everyone to understand how you got there.

Yeah.

So tell me, when you talk about the healing, what does that mean? Does that mean seeing a psychotherapist? Does that mean reading books? Does— What does that involve?

All of the above. Let me tell you, when I had my son Franco, and again, I share these details because I don't judge me anymore. I, I've learned to love me. I, I love my soul. I love my soul. And that has— that was not always the case. So when I say that, I say it with pride because it took me many, many decades to get here. So, but when my son was born, I realized that I was so broken because when he was born a boy, I couldn't even clean his penis. I couldn't clean his little penis. I struggled. I didn't want this child. I rejected the child that I was wanting before he was born, but I thought it was a girl. I never imagined that I would react the way that I did. And to make a long story short, when he was—he was a difficult baby because he felt no connection to his mom. So transgenerational trauma, passing it alone from the moment the baby's born. I didn't know. So three months old, my son would not sleep. I am working. I am taking care of the house. I have a Latino man, machista. That would not help in the middle of the night. No, everything was me. My child started to cry and would not stop crying. I took my son, 3 months old, threw him in the bed, and he fell on the floor. That's when I started to heal. I didn't recognize that woman. And do you know how many parents, when I tell that story, start crying because they've done something similar, but they never told a soul? Because trauma shows up when you least expect it, because you're not expecting it, because you think you're fine. You think everything is fine. You put it behind. No, it's right there. It's driving you. So for me, I—

and I tell you, you went to put him in your bed or his bed and he dropped.

My bed. I just threw him in my bed. I could have killed my son that night. You would not be talking to me. I will be in jail. I didn't recognize that woman. I had an out-of-body experience. I did not recognize myself. But at the same time, that for me— my son knows this, like, I, I'm talking openly everywhere. And I say the story because we think, number one, that we are alone in our trauma. We also think that trauma doesn't show up, that is not driving you because you've, you put it to rest. I left the DR and that the story did not follow me because I will not tell that to a soul. No one. But it followed me every day, and it showed up when with my son in front of me. He was my accelerator. I was like, I am not doing this to this child. Oh my God, what is going on with me? Who am I? I don't recognize myself. I became so curious and I said, no more. I said, I am not doing this. So I started reading books. I went— I was poor. I didn't have much money. You know, I lived in a basement apartment with my husband who was abusive and person. And then I went to the library. So I remember I used to get tea, and I would go with a cup of tea, and I would get— stay in a corner, and I would take the books, and I would be reading books on self-improvement, trying to understand myself. That's how it started first. And then I started working on— I just became very curious. I started connecting more to my, my religion. I started Searching, searching. And then later on, when my— I would say 6 years later, when my son was about 6, I, I got a therapist. I said to myself, I don't really have the money for a therapist, but I'm going to cut everything I can because I need a therapist. Now I have a second child. And I went to therapy.

At the same man? By the same name?

Yes, with the same name. Because to us, you know, when you're worthless— that's the title that was given to me when I was born. And this is where I go back to what I was saying at the beginning, the transgenerational trauma. My father was a good man. I don't know what happened to my father. I don't know what happened to get him to be an alcoholic. I don't know. And this is— I, I'm very, you know, Oprah Winfrey, um, her last book is What Happened to You? That's the name of the book. And I love it because she says it's not an excuse, it's an explanation. But there's an explanation for every behavior. And so for me, um, English—

Excuse me, allergies.

I hear you. I'm suffering myself from it. today. But I know that I'm still healing because like I'm still looking for love. I have 2 marriages that, you know, were with men that were really toxic because I chose based on what I thought of me and what I thought of me was worthless. So I carried that title for so long and now I am working and very focused on the next chapter of my life when it comes to love. And I actually, uh, for a year and a half, I worked with a therapist only in that area of my life. How did my trauma affect my relationship with men? And I feel more prepared to be able to bring that lucky man that is gonna go and be with me for the rest of my life. So I continue to heal. I— there are— I used to go to seminars. I used to go, oh my God, Audible books. I'm obsessed with Audible books. I would talk to a lot of people. I'd be curious of how other people would heal. And now I can tell you that my healing goes on every day. So when I wake up, I put me first. I am numero uno, number one. So I work out every day. I have meditation practice every day. I send love deposit to many people, including my children. I send them love deposit each different ones out of the three get a get a love deposit every day, every day. Either a video telling my daughter, which actually this is a great. tool for parents where I sent her a video with a message, but it's not a lecture. It's more— you see how I— one of them, for example, hey monkey, I call her my monkey. She likes spider monkeys. So we always related to that little monkey that is so bright and so smart as spider monkeys are. And I said, look, I remember this morning when I got up and I mentioned to you that I was, I was in a dark place. I just, I'm struggling, you know, with some of the things that were happening in my life. And I communicate that with my children. And I said, but you see my energy now, 2 hours later. You know why? Because I worked out, I meditated, I sent my love deposit. This is what I'm telling you, that you need to put yourself first. Always. I'm teaching her through being the example for her.

What is a love deposit?

It's— I would just say, I just want you to know how much I love you and how proud I am of you. Uh, so I look at life as a bank account. So we have a bank account that from the beginning when we're born is zero, and you either subtract or you add. So I look at the different pillars of life, which is the pillar of your body, your temple. What are you depositing? Are you withdrawing or are you depositing? So for me, a sweat deposit. I need to sweat every day because I'm putting into— I'm adding to my bank account in that pillar of my body, my temple. Then my other pillar is family. So what am I depositing to my family? Am I having— last night I had a date night with my daughter. I have date nights with my kids. I— our date night was we watched a movie together. I was drinking a glass of wine. I— we had dinner together. We had our cat, Lily, with us. And I did actually a video that I posted on my social media. And I said, oh, this is our date night and we schedule it. It's scheduled in my, my schedule. Usually it's Tuesday nights, but I had— I have an event to go to today and we moved it to Monday. But it is scheduled, non-negotiable date night with my kids, and I'm available for my grandkids. Also, because to me that is a love deposit that I will be giving to my family, and I'm more interested in that love deposit. So my kids, I want to make sure when I'm gone they miss me so much, but in a good way.

Yes.

Yeah. And my kids say that, like, Mom, we can— my daughter says, I, I need to spend more time with you because you're getting old, Mom. I think I might kill her, but go ahead. It's— but you know what, realistically, I'm gonna be 60, and I understand what she's saying. She's like, I just need to spend so much time with you before you get too old because I love you so much, and I just want to continue to learn from you, Mom. This is my 60-year-old, so I must be doing something right.

You're doing a lot right, a lot right.

I love teaching parents. You know, the, the strongest connection that I have in my life is the connection to my children. And I love, love talking about this, as you could tell.

And you know, the, the beauty on your face, I can't even describe it. It's like your, your face radiates rays like the sun.

Light.

Yes.

What you see, CB, I'm being told all the time, uh, about the light that they see in me. And it's, I've gotten so in touch with my soul. I got so in touch with my light. I don't judge me. I don't have these conversations of where I'm beating myself up always from the minute that I would wake up. I used to do this.

Done. I want to just go back a minute before we run out of time. From the time that you got out of the hospital, or let's even take it further up, from the time your mom had to leave to come back to America to your first marriage, what happened in your life? Were you just locked in a closet, or what happened?

So we moved to another town where nobody knew me.

Right. Because I remember you said you felt shunned.

Yeah. So that was for me a lifesaver because I now don't need to talk about this. So I didn't talk about what happened to me to anybody except my mom did end up talking to my— one of the neighbors because she was in the United States. And she talked to him to protect me. And know that the man was out in 3 months. He, he went to jail for 3 months and he was out. So, but aside from him, nobody knew who I was. And then I went to school and, uh, I started to live life, you know, my, my brothers. I love being with my brothers, and Paula was taking care of us. So Things got gradually better. So I thought I was always very sad, though. You know, I remember I this is why I do the work with the movement. Yo digo no más. I say no more of protecting the innocence of the children because when that light gets dimmed or turned off, you lose that wow factor. When you lose the wow factor as a child. you lost part of your creativity. I truly believe that God gave us that space to be able to connect and get creative with our purpose, our mission. Just learn about life. You, you're learning everything to a child is like, wow. That's how I feel now. I'm like, wow. It's— that's where I feel the connection to my light, because I'm— wow. By a sun. I'm wowed by a beautiful sunset. I'm wowed by a tree. I'm wowed by so much.

But, but my question is, as you were able to take your emotions and manage your emotions in your new move, how did you end up marrying an abusive man?

Yeah. I met him when I was, when I was 15 years old in the Dominican Republic. He came from the United States one day. And the father that I— his father was the man that was the neighbor that my mom had talked to about what happened to me. And he ended up falling in love with me. He was 4 years older than me. So I was 15.

Not the man, but his friend.

It is not the, the, the child, the neighbor, the, the child of the neighbor, the, the son of the neighbor ended up falling in love with me. One day he met me in the DR, and then when we are in the DR, you know, I'm, I'm 15 years old. I see this man that comes from the United States, and there is the perception that, oh my God, like they're God. So then I came— I actually ended up breaking up with him before I came to the United States. And then later on, because I fell in love with someone else, I mean, 15, you know.

Yeah.

So then he ended up looking for me when I came to the, to the United States, and we ended up getting together. And about a year later, my mom finds out that I was having sex with him.

And you're 16 then?

Yeah. And I look back at that like I was having sex because he wanted sex, because honestly, I felt nothing coming from that experience. I had no feelings, sexual feelings. So my mom ended up forcing us to get married. My mom and my brothers, they said, you have a choice. You don't see each other, or you get married, but you're not gonna have sex without being married. So we chose to get married. Um, and then, you know, we got married, and then I had my child, and he was— I mean, he cheated. Um, he treated me very poorly, but I look back at him and I'm his friend now. I mean, I wrote, you know, all of it in the book. But I'm still his, his friend because he's broken. He, he's, he was broken just like me.

And your second marriage, how did that happen?

Um, that I, I was 17 years, I was a single mom and my older son was going to college. And, um, I was very close to my son then. And when he was going to college, I'm like, oh my God, what am I gonna do? I became desperate. Like, oh my God, I'm gonna be by myself and my kids are gonna go to college. And now my first one goes to college. So I went and I ended up meeting this young man. He was 12 years younger than me. And I felt, you know, like every time, oh, he, he will change, especially this one is young, he would change. And from the beginning, the signs were there, just ignore them. And I ended up getting married to someone also very broken with a very— also, you know, his own trauma. And, um, you know, I repeated the same story. And that was 7, almost— yeah, 7 years ago I got divorced. And I have— I'm dating, you know, but I haven't been really I met somebody that proposed to me and I was like, at least I got to see how crazy that person was. And then I said, I'm going to stop because honestly, it's me choosing these men. I'm the one that is choosing them. They're not there. It's, it's me. So I brought it to me. And that's why where I said to you that about 2 years ago, 2 years, I ended up hiring somebody to focus just on my men choices because I don't want to choose the same again. I created a committee. I created a committee to choose for me.

I love this story. I love this story.

And my kids are in the committee, so I have Few friends. My business partner is in the committee, and, and if the committee says no, even if I want, I will not see that person.

This story— hey, I know you have to run, and I promise you, you would not be late for your next meeting, but you have to promise me, young lady, that you come back and tell us the next phase of what the committee chooses. And what their criteria is. So this is an ongoing story. We're gonna just follow you.

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to continue to do the work of impacting millions of people, because that's my goal before I leave. Like, I really want to, and I share in my book all this healing journey for me.

Show us your book. And you know what, let's bring you back to talk about Oh, it's fabulous. And this is me.

I love your new haircut though. Thank you. Yeah, I like it better. This is me looking at my little girl. This is Jackie. Oh, Maria saying, look, look where I got you.

Wow. Okay, so you have to come back on to talk about your actual work and about the guys that, that you're gonna follow. So We have to do part 2 and part 3.

Thank you so much. It's been fun doing this with you.

It has been so eye-opening. I've learned so much listening to you. I won't say I'm going to start meditating, and I will say that I will get back to playing pickleball.

Good. Go get your sweat deposits.

Exactly. Exactly. Well, audience, I, I hope you have learned so much. And I hate to use the word enjoy, but I'll tell you what, talking to Maria, you have to have enjoyed this conversation because we've learned so much. And the way that she presents, it's not a pity movement. It's a strength movement. So thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Bye now. And audience, please tune in for our next meeting. It won't be with Maria, but she'll be back soon. Thank you so much for tuning in to Courage to Leap and Lead. Thank you.