Christine J Gold describes her spiritual breakdown after an awakening, where relationships, health, and identity fell apart. She reframes the collapse as ego death, a necessary clearing for rebirth, and offers journal prompts and meditation tools to help navigate the crisis.
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Welcome back. I'm Christine J Gold, and this is Episode 2, The Breakdown Before the Breakthrough, in the Dark Night of the Soul series. If Episode 1 was about hearing the whisper of the awakening, this one is about what happens when everything starts to fall apart, fall away, crumble.— and I mean everything. After I heard the call, things didn't magically get better. They got worse. My relationships were breaking down. My health, oh my gosh, I had so many health problems. My identity was falling apart, my ego. I tried to hold on. I tried to fix, to hustle, to manage, but nothing worked. Nothing. Everything I had built was being stripped away, and I was terrified because I wasn't in control. I mean, come on, that's really what it's about. It's about control, right? Domination, control, everything that he— adhering to your timeline, right? So this is the truth about ego death. This is the part no one warns you about. The ego doesn't go quietly. I really revert back to The Wizard of Oz and the witch, "I'm melting!" You know, it's the same idea. Fight every single step. I didn't just lose what I had, I lost who I thought I was. I was no longer the strong one, the caretaker, the overachiever. I was raw. I was grieving and I was exposed, almost like a child being born into the world. Just imagine you're in this comfort— comfortable womb in the water Everything's chill, you get all your meals, it's comfortable, and then you get basically born into this world going, like they've done in movies, "Put me back, put me back." But what I didn't realize at the time, this breakdown was the breakthrough, and Spirit was clearing space for truth. If you're in this phase right now where you feel lost and alone and stripped of your old self, I want to say this clearly: you are not being punished. You are being reborn. It doesn't make it easier, I know that, but it makes it sacred. It— I mean, we, the ego, we resist change. We want to stay in our caves, eat snacks, be comfortable, and never come out. I get that, I do, but there is no growth in that, and it gets boring after a while. You're like, really, is this it? Is that all I'm meant for? I know I'm meant for more. I'm not here to pay bills and die and just exist. No. So this unraveling is Holy. So let me know in the comments, or you can reach out as well, or maybe this will be a really good journal prompt for you, maybe something to meditate on, maybe this is a chance to work on some affirmations, some mantras that you can post up all over. But what part of your life is breaking down right now? And What do you think it might be making space for? In order to invite the new, we have to let go of the old. I know that you cannot make space for new things. It's just like in your home. If you're bringing in a new couch, are you going to have two couches in the same space? You won't have room. You can have 10 TVs. It's the same idea. So, um, Do you need support as everything falls apart? I have so many resources. They'll all be listed below. And really, I'd love to see you in Episode 3 called "The Void: When the Light Disappears."
